Breaking Up is Hard To Do.....
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
It is difficult but not impossible for me not to step in and "help" someone who is so apparently struggling. That is one of the main reasons I stopped going to Alanon. I don't enjoy seeing others suffer- and I feel a bit too empathetic. What I notice is in my social contacts- nobody really needs my help. Now if someone has an illness- I may bring a casserole- or offer to do laundry, for example. At work- I am a hospital nurse- I just smile and do my job- don't try to save anyone any more. An adult knows he should take his medicine, not drink, not overeat, etc. I don't have to tell anyone old news so I don't bother. I am sorry to say most of my patients would not be hospitalized if they had taken good care of themselves- but I finally understand- you can't make anyone change.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Three years?
Three years of separation and still struggling with sadness? Oh no, I'll feel sad forever then. It feels like I'll be sad forever. I hope I'm not still sad after three years. Sorry if I sound... uh... impolite (?)... I'm fairly new to separation after marriage. I just want to stop feeling depressed. I'm so tired of feeling depressed.
Originally Posted by Eauchiche 
I have been separated 3 years, and still struggle with the sadness stage.
I think the point of the article is to fully embrace these stages, WHENVER they occur.
I think the point of the article is to fully embrace these stages, WHENVER they occur.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 18
"The first obstacle is related to finalizing the relationship. Often, although the relationship is over, there is a period of returning to the former partner and leaving the relationship again and again until they are finally convinced that the partner won't change."
What a huge AHA for me!!! I have gone back so many times after promises, convinced that we would work together and work it out. Always convinced that if he changed, we would change. But now, I've changed. I've been giving my AXBF all the power!!! If I want change - then I need to change ... not wait around, cross my fingers and hope that things are going to get better. Doesn't change all the love I have in my heart for this person I see underneath the disease. But this relationship needed to change ... and the only way that was ever going to happen was for me to put a boundary into place and walk out the door. I need to be the change I want in my life. If I want happiness, I need to go out and get it. I think I'm finally starting to understand!!!
What a huge AHA for me!!! I have gone back so many times after promises, convinced that we would work together and work it out. Always convinced that if he changed, we would change. But now, I've changed. I've been giving my AXBF all the power!!! If I want change - then I need to change ... not wait around, cross my fingers and hope that things are going to get better. Doesn't change all the love I have in my heart for this person I see underneath the disease. But this relationship needed to change ... and the only way that was ever going to happen was for me to put a boundary into place and walk out the door. I need to be the change I want in my life. If I want happiness, I need to go out and get it. I think I'm finally starting to understand!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Bumping up this article/thread that I was reading tonight, that was originally posted by AnvilheadII.
One of the really important messages in it, I think, is this:
"What they don't recognize is that feeling sad is a normal part of the grieving process even when leaving a bad relationship. Just because someone feels sad when ending a relationship doesn't mean that the relationship was good."
I think that can really be a stumbling block when you have left a bad/dysfunctional relationship, or are thinking of leaving. Where is the feeling of relief and freedom? Why is there all this sadness?
dandylion often mentions to people about the wealth of knowledge in the stickies section at the top of the forum. This thread is found in that section, under About Recovery/Classic Reading. As dandylion also mentions, there are many great threads there, enough to read one a day for - a long time (sorry dandylion, I have forgotten the direct quote lol)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
One of the really important messages in it, I think, is this:
"What they don't recognize is that feeling sad is a normal part of the grieving process even when leaving a bad relationship. Just because someone feels sad when ending a relationship doesn't mean that the relationship was good."
I think that can really be a stumbling block when you have left a bad/dysfunctional relationship, or are thinking of leaving. Where is the feeling of relief and freedom? Why is there all this sadness?
dandylion often mentions to people about the wealth of knowledge in the stickies section at the top of the forum. This thread is found in that section, under About Recovery/Classic Reading. As dandylion also mentions, there are many great threads there, enough to read one a day for - a long time (sorry dandylion, I have forgotten the direct quote lol)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by dandylion
What am I doing wrong?......
I have written well over ten thousand posts in response to those who are struggling with a broken or dysfunctional relationship......and, I say the same things that are in that article....almost word for word in some places.....
And, the content and message are identical......
Why did nobody hear it?
Why are people sounding like they are hearing this stuff for the first time?????
I have written well over ten thousand posts in response to those who are struggling with a broken or dysfunctional relationship......and, I say the same things that are in that article....almost word for word in some places.....
And, the content and message are identical......
Why did nobody hear it?
Why are people sounding like they are hearing this stuff for the first time?????
You are not doing anything wrong. I myself posted here a few days ago because I’m struggling with the pain right now. For me is a way to vent and have you guys remind me and assure me if I’m on the right path, or have advices on what I could do better while going through this. I know I can’t run away from the pain.
mensagens/articles like this one is good content and also reassurance of what we’ve been telling each other here. I just read the responses I had from my recent post and came across this one right after, and yet I was surprised. And some or most of these things I have read here or someone in this group have told me before, or even read something similar during my own searches.
maybe we all have a moment when we are ready to receive and process the message and we act like this is what we’ve been looking for the whole time, we have found before but we were not ready to understand. So keep talking about it sooner or later it will be good for someone.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
You might find some of them here Greensoul:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
and some good stuff on codependency
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)
D
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
and some good stuff on codependency
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
I made the mistake of sending my AW who’s in rehab on her 6th month, but still not talking to me, my journal encompassing the full spectrum of emotions. Prob 50-plus pages, handwritten. 1 bad, burn it down page after I’d found out about some pretty crappy stuff she’s been doing in rehab (it sure didn’t fit under “working the program”). The author of the linked article says to write down your feelings but don’t send the angry ones…well I did, and yes it bit me hard. At the time I wanted her to see the full spectrum, now I think with more clarity, but too late. She’s only held onto that, not the positives. I just gave her another reason to label me villain in addition to taking her to rehab.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2021
Posts: 299
Originally Posted by Leftinthedust
I made the mistake of sending my AW who’s in rehab on her 6th month, but still not talking to me, my journal encompassing the full spectrum of emotions. Prob 50-plus pages, handwritten. 1 bad, burn it down page after I’d found out about some pretty crappy stuff she’s been doing in rehab (it sure didn’t fit under “working the program”). The author of the linked article says to write down your feelings but don’t send the angry ones…well I did, and yes it bit me hard. At the time I wanted her to see the full spectrum, now I think with more clarity, but too late. She’s only held onto that, not the positives. I just gave her another reason to label me villain in addition to taking her to rehab.
I would write a letter to her and keep it myself, but I fear that I'll get a moment of weakness like you and send it to her.
I'm sorry that you had the moment of weakness, but maybe she will read it and come back with a positive response? Chances are slim, but you never know. When did you mail it out?
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