Lilac2021

I am new to this group and am mainly looking for advice and maybe words of encouragement for this situation. My sister is an alcoholic. I have only known about it for 2 years but thinking back I believe it to have been for much longer. She is getting increasingly deeper into it. Has lost multiple high level jobs, 2 DWIs in one month, rehab twice, detox multiple times. Anyway, with all of that she is getting married soon and I am the matron of honor. To say i’m dreading it would be an understatement. I know that she will be under the influence and it is going to make me sick to my stomach. I have to make a speech and can’t imagine how I will be able to say all of the wonderful things about who she is when she’s sober when I know she will not be. I have so much anger and hurt in my heart. Not going to the wedding or not making a speech isn’t an option as I couldn’t do that to her. She is destroying our family and breaking all of our hearts. I know it is the addiction and not her but I just can’t do this anymore. I have been thinking about how I am going to approach our relationship after the wedding. I want to tell her that if she wants to get better and wants me in her life that she needs to go to long term treatment or else we cannot have a relationship. My mom thinks that will make things worse and suggests I just cut ties without telling her that’s what i’m doing. Clearly we don’t know what the “right” answer is. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. I feel like i’m drowning and would not wish this on my worst enemy. Thanks for reading.

trailmix

Hi Lilac, I'm sorry you are in such a painful situation but glad you found this forum.

I think your idea of telling your Sister that if she doesn't seek treatment you can't have a relationship with her is quite kind really. No need to put her through the stress and additional hurt of wondering why you have gone silent, I mean you aren't trying to "punish" her.

As for the speech, maybe focus on your growing up years, a few cute stories, then wish them all the best?

Have you attended Al Anon at all? It's for friends and family of alcoholics as well and you might find their support helpful (as well a the support you will get from this forum!).

Lilac2021

Thank you, @trailmix Your response helped me feel a little better. It’s an awful situation when I do not want my sister out of my life at all but I feel that staying is not helping her to have any consequences for the choices the addiction is making. I hope that she chooses long term treatment and takes it seriously but I will not hold my breath. As for al-anon, I have only attended one virtual meeting a few months ago. I think that this forum and al-anon need to become a more regular part of my life. Thank you again for your response.

velma929

Well, it's not a speech so much as a toast: 30 seconds, a minute max. Do you like your brother-in-law? What was it like meeting him for the first time? Or is he an alcoholic, too?

You don't have to confront your sister or issue an ultimatum. Should she ask why the two of you don't get together, you could mention then that seeing her intoxicated hurts your heart, and you hope she finds help. It sounds like it's pretty obvious this is causing problems, and my favorite saying about drinking is: if drinking is causing you problems, you are a problem drinker.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Free2bme888

Oh, I’m so sorry to hear the stress and about your sisters issues.

As someone who is ignored by my siblings and one child without explanation, I echo Trailmix in the very wise and compassionate advice.

We are here to support you

Bewilderd

What I have done with my alcoholic sister is to minimise contact and keep deeper information and feelings out of it. I have never told her her drinking is the reason, but I have made it clear I can't/won't tolerate the associated behaviour, aggression and disrespect; also that I never want to speak to her while she's drunk. I think the rest is pretty obvious and it avoids a confrontation and more aggression to make it explicit.

I feel Ok with this solution but it's just how it's worked. I think any solution is imperfect but we are not the root cause and the real solution has to come from them. I hope you find something that strikes a balance. I don't envy you the wedding speech but maybe it's something to just get over with, to leave things on a friendly basis and the door open for the future if she ever is able to sort herself out. I'm sorry for what you & your family are going through.