FallenAngelina

What's the big picture? Drinking aside, do you enjoy the day to day life of your marriage?

tomsteve

i hope i can clarify something for you about "relapse:"
they end with a drink. i have never liked the term myself- along with "slip." what both kf them are is pre meditated drunks.they usually start long before the1st drink was taken.
a "blip" is forgetting to take out the garbage.

i could probably get quite psychological about how ya worded this reply, with calling drinking a slip, then a relapse, then a blip all in 1 sentence- but i wont. kinda too deep for me this after noon.
he drank. period. no denying that. no minimizing. no rationalizing

his actions now will reveal more.

something to think about.
he couldnt sleep so he drank.
i was diagnosed stage 3 metastatic melanoma 13 months into recovery. spent the next 3 or so years fighting my ass off.
how come i didnt drink through the countless sleepness nights, extreme chemo sickness, serious pain post surgeries, and...ummm.oh... the mental and emotional turmoil to name a few things i went through in those 3 or so years?

firebolt

Hun, you aren't a coward. Leaving is difficult, and not something to be taken lightly..

I think that the work it takes to realize that you are trying to justify your decision to get out, and the work it takes to realize that you aren't honoring your needs...is pretty freaking courageous.

You are looking at yourself, rather than picking apart the meaning behind what he is doing. Thats the hardest part for people like us. Listen to your guts my friend - you already have plenty of justification for leaving - you don't need any more of that.

darkling

^^ ditto to firebolt's post ^^
If any of this were easy, we wouldn't need a support system.


[And before you go there, you're not stupid either!]

dandylion

darlacfp....the only justification that anyone needs to leave a relationship, is that they do not wish to be in it, deep down, inside......
You are entitled to that much...everyone is.....

Mountainmanbob

Truth -- he's not hitting the 3 year sober mark this time anyway.
We can learn from these but, also very dangerous for the alcoholic.
Some get sober yet again and others never make it back to sobriety.
M-Bob

AnvilheadII

in my recovery i had a true slip....my husband, daughter and i went to my home town for my 20 yr high school reunion. we were at a get together, and i reached back and grabbed what i thought was my drink - a coca cola on ice - and took a sip....turns out it was somebody else's watered down bloody mary. i knew immediately that was not my drink, but didn't have a place to spit it out. i returned the wrong drink to the table, made sure i had mine firmly in hand and that was that.

imho, that is a slip. a moment where you ingest or partake without realizing or planning what you are doing.

ANYTHING else is a planned relapse. a return to a prior state. thought before action.

LexieCat

Frankly, I wouldn't even classify that as a slip. It was a pure accident.

I'd think of a slip as maybe giving in to a drink or two at a party or something, immediately realizing how dangerous that was, and IMMEDIATELY redoubling your recovery efforts, with a determination to make sure the situation doesn't repeat itself. I know a few people who have had isolated incidents like that who didn't return to regular drinking.

darlacfp

I enjoy my day to day life in general for the first time in many years, because I claimed independence for myself and am not enmeshed with him anymore.... the day to day of my marriage, not so much. And I know if the marriage ends the life in general will also change and that's the tough part.

darlacfp

Thank you.... if anyone had a "reason" you did. He had cancer four years back during a period of what I thought was sobriety but I found out later he was drinking through his treatment.

I'm glad you made it through and are here today!

darlacfp

Thank you for saying that... you have no idea how much it means. I feel completely different this go around, I'm not hurt, I haven't cried, just trying to figure out the best course of action overall for me.

NYCDoglvr

Well, he is drinking again. Question is, what does he plan to do about it. Having stress is no excuse, certainly.

thousandwords53

Thank you for that reminder...but why is it so hard yet so simple? ugh.

dandylion

thousandwords---Fear.

SoloMio

My AH was sober for over 4 years (the best years of our marriage BTW). Then he relapsed, after my youngest went to college. And he really did. I was traveling for business--he was lining up Plan B. Drinking. Having fun. Dating on the sly.

All the kids (who were in college and in their 20s by then) were devastated, but even so, they called me specifically to lend their support--in my leaving him, which they fully expected me to do.

I didn't. I thought many of the same things you do--maybe it's just a blip. If he was sober once, he can be sober again.

I have to warn you, that was in 2004.. And I'm still with him. And he's still drinking. Take care of yourself.

HeartbrokenGuy

It's the same way losing weight or quitting smoking/drinking or getting a degree are both simple and hard

Simple in that the formula is not complex - eat healthy, exercise, don't use, go to meetings, etc.

Hard is the sense that execution causes a large amount of discomfort especially early on. This discomfort feels like it might kill you. So we stop in favor of the easy.

Many of life's problems have solutions that are both simple and hard

Mountainmanbob

I totally agree.
Once while camping my wife put what was left of her (one) dark beer into a ice tea bottle and put it in the fridge. I took a slip thinking that it was Ice tea -- I don't call that a slip.

A slip may be having one or two drinks on purpose while out on the town -- time to reset the sobriety date.

M-Bob

thousandwords53

Thank you, yes.
I need to try and decipher what I am exactly afraid of. .. How much of my fear is self doubt alone... I have a therapy appointment today. Perfect timing

tomsteve

i spent quite a bit of time NOT getting out of a toxic relationship with a chronic relapser. the greatest fear i had was of being alone- insecure in/with myself. it was something i didnt learn until after i ended relationship.there was way too much circus music playing until i did that- too much insanity for me to take time and look at myself.
after taking a look at myself, i was able to be comfortable being by myself. i was able to love myself.
i may have gone overboard and became a little selfish because i absolutely love being single now.

edit- ill be a little more honest now.
there was some pride and ego playin in the reason why i didnt end the relationship sooner. what would other people think of me being a 38 year oold single man!?!? which was also fear.
thought i had to be in a relationship to make me look and feel good.
yeah, being in a relationship with a whackjob made me feel and look real good.
i good mess,that is.

FireSprite

It is fascinating to me how similar our issues can be no matter what side of the fence we're on, addict/codie/normies/whatever. It is the methods we employ to manage it all that separate us, really. Great share, great thread!!