Txbuttercup

The codependent recovery wagon, that is.

The past week has been rough emotionally. I finally spoke to him on the phone for the first time Sunday. He was sober in his voicemail and I am going to have to communicate with him at some point so I called him back. Plus I was missing him. Or atleast my vision of him from long ago.

He was crying, begging me to come back. I told him no, and began talking business, things that need to happen, etc. He was cooperative but would start crying every once in a while and ask me to come back. He said he's not been drinking, but also has not been going to aa, basically just white knuckling it.

Although he followed thru with one intreview I had gotten the ball rolling on before he left, it doesn't look like he has applied to anything independently.

Sunday night my car was broken into. When I reported it I discovered that apt and garage bulglaries have been happening nightly for weeks. I need to get out of this place.

I have a meeting with my attny in a couple days where I am supposed to go over all the finances in preparation for my first hearing next week.

I am really fighting the strong urge to go back home. I could demand he go to inpatient again, but I'd still have the financial issues. I could demand he get a part time job and re-enroll in outpatient. But then he could have already done that himself, and me forcing it won't make it work.

I'm just not sure what to do.

firebolt

This. You are exactly right. If he wanted to get a job or go get help, he would have. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Peace and strength to you!!

AnvilheadII

left, right, repeat. i'm sorry your car got broken into.....IT HAPPENS. we had both our cars burgled (doors unlocked) IN our driveway with motion lights and two super impressive "guard dogs" who were sleeping. sigh. don't let one incident like that chase you backwards to a man who can't get off his butt to do ONE thing positive to change his circumstance. hell, at least the guys who broke into your car were "working" so to speak. (sorry, poor attempt at humor).

give time time, trust the process. chin up!

honeypig

You are seeing clearly that he's not really doing anything to change. That is huge. Once we can see and admit that, it gets a lot harder to keep on giving chances and making excuses.

Like the others who posted here, I don't see anything happening that, IMHO, should make you change course. Keep on heading the way you're heading.

Txbuttercup

I've literally started an evidence list in black and white to look at when I think about jumping in the car and going back. The recovery side is empty. If I was in his shoes I could think of a dozen things to "win" me back (or better yet, save my life) or at least support myself. I think maybe he is making his situation as bad as possible to call my bluff. He is betting I won't let him hit rock bottom.

Thing is I love him and likely would fall over myself over slightest bit of initiative, but nothing. I called him first thing this morning to make sure he knew they stole the opener to our house. I knew he knew. It was just an excuse to hear his voice I guess.

For those of you that went through a divorce, how (or did) you remain no contact? Is it really possible not to directly communicate with your spouse, even if you have an attorney?

I did so well the first few weeks and need to get myself together again. Intellectually I know he's had a month to start some kind on plan and if he had any intention he would have already. Manipulating him into taking action is just delaying the inevitable...right???

Thanks for the support.

Txbuttercup

Thank you. I'm trying to rationalize. When I found out it happened to some one else I thought "it happens", then it happened to me. I found out so many residential units have been burglarized in the complex the PD is holding a town hall tomorrow.

I hear your point. I'm trying to figure out whether I'm overreacting due to my circumstances, or this really is a bad deal. Totally questioning my judgement and perception at this point, comments like yours help.

My therapist never gives direction, but knowing the details said I was in more danger returning home than staying here, but encouraged me to find alternative living arrangements that don't involve an abusive alcoholic. What a concept.

firebolt

Just like they will look for reasons to drink....we will look for the slightest glimmer of a reason to run back to them.

Before i left, I had this long list of obstacles of why I couldn't leave.
When I finally HAD to leave, not one of those obstacles held any weight....NOT ONE.

We have an addict voice too...we have to learn to identify it, and shut it the hell up. Hang in there!