Husband made such an embarrassment of himself last night!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
What would happen if you didn't buy alcohol for him?
I guess a deeper question is: What benefits are there for you in the current situation (he's drunk all the time, you keep track of his consumption and buy him more, and you feel angry and hard-done-by most of the time)?
I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh, but is there some way in which his being a problem drinker has benefits for you - you can always feel superior to him (because he's drunk and messed-up and you're not), or you always have an excuse for not doing things to change your own life (because he's dragging you down and not letting things change)?
I'm wondering what would happen if you stopped giving him money and buying him beer, and just said "okay buddy, you're on your own, I can't stop you drinking but I can stop being part of your drinking"?
I guess a deeper question is: What benefits are there for you in the current situation (he's drunk all the time, you keep track of his consumption and buy him more, and you feel angry and hard-done-by most of the time)?
I hope this doesn't come across as too harsh, but is there some way in which his being a problem drinker has benefits for you - you can always feel superior to him (because he's drunk and messed-up and you're not), or you always have an excuse for not doing things to change your own life (because he's dragging you down and not letting things change)?
I'm wondering what would happen if you stopped giving him money and buying him beer, and just said "okay buddy, you're on your own, I can't stop you drinking but I can stop being part of your drinking"?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i truly hope this is HIM saying all the lies about being bothered and not you saying it for him.
its a claasic excuse for alkies that dont want to take responsability/ accountability for thier lives- classic for someone who has an enabler.
"He'll ask me to stop and buy some on my way home if it's his day off because he can't be bothered"
" he's so scatterbrained that he'd never hide anything because honestly, that's too much trouble for him."
"He lost thousands of dollars because he couldn't be bothered to call."
"I just know he would never go out of his way to do anything because it's too much of a hassle for him. "
"He even left his fairly new sneakers in the locker at the gym and never went back to get them because he couldn't be bothered and just bought new ones."
this is also showing the progression of alcoholism. and also maybe the progression of codepency?
i truly hope you decide YOU have had enough and want to start taking care of you.
yup, its memorial day weekend- a great time for YOU to have a great weekend regardless of anyone elses actions.
its a claasic excuse for alkies that dont want to take responsability/ accountability for thier lives- classic for someone who has an enabler.
"He'll ask me to stop and buy some on my way home if it's his day off because he can't be bothered"
" he's so scatterbrained that he'd never hide anything because honestly, that's too much trouble for him."
"He lost thousands of dollars because he couldn't be bothered to call."
"I just know he would never go out of his way to do anything because it's too much of a hassle for him. "
"He even left his fairly new sneakers in the locker at the gym and never went back to get them because he couldn't be bothered and just bought new ones."
this is also showing the progression of alcoholism. and also maybe the progression of codepency?
i truly hope you decide YOU have had enough and want to start taking care of you.
yup, its memorial day weekend- a great time for YOU to have a great weekend regardless of anyone elses actions.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Mapper, I think you would benefit from seeing a counsellor and sorting through some of the reasons why you are having trouble separating yourself from his behaviour. They would also help you with strategies for when your AH makes snide remarks at you. I promise, you can learn to cope with them and go on to do what benefits you.
Although you're resistant to some of the ideas here, you wouldn't have posted if you didn't want to improve your life. Even though it bothers you, this would mean pulling away from AH because his way of living isn't yours.
Who knows? you might even show him by example how to pull yourself out of a rut.
Keep reading the posts here, feel free to contribute, and buy the book Co-dependent No More. You might find it's a revelation. Many people on this forum have.
Although you're resistant to some of the ideas here, you wouldn't have posted if you didn't want to improve your life. Even though it bothers you, this would mean pulling away from AH because his way of living isn't yours.
Who knows? you might even show him by example how to pull yourself out of a rut.
Keep reading the posts here, feel free to contribute, and buy the book Co-dependent No More. You might find it's a revelation. Many people on this forum have.
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