tomsteve

i9 and im sure many others her) can relate to how his comments make you feel.
it wasnt easy accepting it was myself that was making me feel useless. it was myself that gave me low self esteem. because i allowed those comments control me.
they were ALL untrue feelings. something i have to remember still today is that i can have feelings, but they arent always true.

so, something i think you should remember- look where the OPINIONS are coming from- a drunken fool who stands outside a porta potty in his robe and gonna knock on the door and ask if theyre done yet.

Mapper, youre going to get a LOT of great advise here on how to change how YOU feel about yourself and actions to take to have a better life-one you deserve.
PLEASE use it. these people know what theyre talkin about. theyve been in your shoes.

as for him?
hes just a sick little child who doesnt like himself, so hes going to do what he can to make you feel the same.
dont allow it. because you dont deserve it.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome.

I'm hearing a lot of negativity and "can't" in your posts. Yes, living with a self-absorbed alcoholic can suck the life out of a person. It may FEEL like you are trapped and have no choices, but feelings aren't facts. You do, in fact, have options. Many of them.

What you are lacking is the will to make the changes necessary to have a happy life. And I'm not talking about leaving him (not yet--that may become an option you'll want to consider in the future). I'm talking about taking small, manageable steps.

The first one I'd suggest is finding an Al-Anon meeting or two nearby and start attending. Not a huge commitment, a couple of hours a week. This is something you do FOR YOU. It's not about getting him to change, it's about changing YOU so you can start thinking about what you really want in life. Yes, you'd love for him to get sober and do the things he should be doing. It should be fairly obvious at this point that that isn't in your immediate future, right? So instead of daydreaming about hitting the sobriety lottery, maybe it's time to look for other things that could make your life better.

If nothing else, the meetings will open a crack in your self-imposed isolation. Al-Anon was an absolute lifeline for me when my life felt hopeless. Seems like you don't have a lot to lose by giving it a try. You really need to try at least a half-dozen meetings to really get a sense of what the program is about.

Don't you owe it to yourself?

aliciagr

It must be very hard to remain true to who you are and do the things you enjoy (like walks, volunteering, lunch with a girlfriend) with all the negative pressure coming down on you from his comments. I bet they are tied to some dramatic facial expressions too.

My therapist would probably suggest the first thing to work on would be the weight put on his words, and the feelings that are internalized based on that.

One of the things that reached out to me in your post was about how you used to be very active and had a good social life outside him. Fun activities that reinforced good feelings inside.

And then did you relocate? That happened to me too.

I just recently opened up to my family and some of my close friends, and it made me feel so much better. Since doing that, Ive begun to focus outward more and allow more of what I used to love and enjoy back into my life. It can do a lot to refresh ones outlook.

I may be the odd one out, but I have to admit I probably would have watched the porta potty for a while too because who would be out in a neighborhood using a construction crews porta potty? What if it was that odd neighbor? Pretty sure I would be curious enough to watch for a few minutes at least.

FeelingGreat

Sounds like you're giving him too much control, and at the same time you're well aware that he's not functioning well.
Be clear in your mind that he's intent on making sure you dance to his tune, but it will only work if you let it.
Leave him to it and go out and do thing you like. Start controlling your own life and your mood will lift.
How to not let the snide comments get to you? think about where and who they're coming from.

atalose

Other people cannot make us “feel” anything without our permission. Sadly without you learning some new coping skills, learning to detach from his alcoholic behaviors – you will remain a hostage in this un-healthy relationship.

I'd seriously give al-anon a try.

flower959

When other posters are asking you about what you can do to change, you have automatically blamed him for not allowing you to do this or do that. I completely understand feeling like you’re being held hostage in your own home. He wants you to validate him. Even though he’s just playing video games or doing his own thing, he still doesn’t want you to go out and enjoy life. He needs someone to drink with him even though you not even drinking with him. I get that whole idea of he thinks he’s being funny. My AH doesn’t think he’s being funny, I don’t believe, but he does think it’s a big party when he’s drunk. It’s my hell, not a party. I think he finally knows this but has now started hiding alcohol.
I would tell him very calmly and ONLY when he’s sober, that you’ll be disregarding the snarky comments that are making you feel bad about wanting to get out of the house. But if he could refrain from making the snarky comments to begin with, you’d appreciate it. Never engage a drunk. I limit my interaction and communication with my AH (when he’s drinking) severely. Also, how about just doing your thing without discussing it with him? If I want to go to the store, or go shopping, or to the park with the dog, I JUST DO IT. If he’s doing his own thing, you can do YOUR own thing. He didn’t ask for your approval to be drunk. Do you need to ask for his to go for a walk?! Just something to think about.

Please read up on co-dependency. You could benefit from learning how to detach. It’s hard to do, for sure. But even just a little helps.

Mapper

Thank you for all your posts. I know, and I've known for a long time, that I need to start doing what I want to do when I want to do it, but can't make myself do it because I'm so shy and sensitive to his and everyone else's feelings.

Last night was another doozy. He was home about 7PM and came to bed at midnight. Within those 5 hours he had 5 beers and at least 2 mixed drinks that I saw. He came to bed and seemed fine, but within 10 minutes he got up and started throwing up. When he does end up throwing up (which happens maybe once every 3 or 4 months from too much to drink) he'll do it once and then be fine. Last night he threw up for at least 2 1/2 hours. He laid on the couch but kept going into the bathroom, which kept me up all that time as well. I finally fell back asleep by 3 but was awakened by our one cat around 4 and didn't get back to sleep. So I am working on about 3 hours worth of sleep today thanks to him and he's already texted his boss that he'll at least be late (which more than likely means he won't go in at all).

So a lovely Memorial Day weekend starts. The weather is beautiful, but I'm too tired to enjoy it and I get to come home to him probably laying in bed all day and missing work. He isn't getting paid for a sick day either because they don't get those.

firebolt

Sounds like a good weekend to get outdoors, or take a little road trip to somewhere new by yourself or with a friend! No need to stay home and watch, and get sucked into the misery!

Ariesagain

While that's a lot of alcohol for most people, seven drinks over five hours leading to him vomiting that much suggests he is either hiding other drinking (like maybe before he came home, so he's possibly driving while drinking), he's developed some serious physical damage, or he's using something else as well. Possibly all of the above.

Its time to focus on YOU. Getting educated about alcoholism is a good start...this forum is invaluable. Al-anon is a great place to meet other people in your situation.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Mapper

Well I know he doesn't drink before he comes home because he gets home pretty much right on time after work and he'll call and tell me if he is going out with any of the guys after work. And quite honestly, he doesn't have the wherewithal to try and hide anything and I don't know why he would because he drinks plenty in plain view as it is. Plus I monitor his bank account (because I know his password) and I can tell when and where he spends his money because it's all done via his debit card.

And you are right in saying that that is a lot of alcohol, but he's drank that much before without an issue. I mean the previous night he was pretty much blotto and slurring his speech and not remembering things and he felt fine in the morning. Last night he seemed perfectly sober to me when I went to bed at 10. He was saying to me last night that he didn't know what was wrong because he had a lot to drink but he never throws up that much and he also said he felt really amped when he'd lay down. The only other thing he does is smoke pot and that would not make him amped.

atalose

I think sensitive people love deeply and think deeply about life. I think they are loyal, honest and true. Sometimes the simple things mean the most to them.

Alcoholics – are selfish and never seem to see or care about the havoc they create or care about the people they shatter.

You have polar opposite dynamics happening here in the relationship. Similar to the bully on the playground who will continue to bully as long as no one stands up to them. Your husband will continue on this path, growing worse while you grow deeper into isolation and live less of life. Is this really, how you want to continue living? I think reaching out here shows that no you want a change and since we all know that is not going to be him that only leaves you.

honeypig

Mapper, alcoholics can be incredibly good hiders. Don't be so sure that you know exactly when and how much your A is drinking. Drinking while driving would get him home on time, right? Having hidden bottles and sneaking a nip here and there all night long is a common practice too.

The reason he would hide? B/c it's what A's do. It is part of the disease, part of the denial. He can say to you, "look, I only had 5 beers, I'm not so bad."

But as so many others have said already, you're not going to find your own happiness by monitoring his drinking and his bank account. Strongly suggesting Alanon for you, regardless of what he thinks/says about it. You can continue to complain about how he holds you back or you can take one small step towards reclaiming your life.

Mapper

I'm sorry to argue the point with you but I KNOW he doesn't hide any alcohol. Why would he? I never argue about it when he buys it and I even buy it for him which is total enabling, I know. He'll ask me to stop and buy some on my way home if it's his day off because he can't be bothered. Like I said, he's so scatterbrained that he'd never hide anything because honestly, that's too much trouble for him.

honeypig

Sounds like you know all about it, then, and you've got it all under control. If it's working for you, then just keep on doing what you're doing. After all, there's not a hint that YOU might be part of the problem, right? Or that YOU could take some action that would perhaps change things for the better?

LexieCat

I've known VERY few alcoholics who never hid their drinking, At least some of it. I used to go out of my way to drink in front of my partner but I kept a small bottle hidden and would top it off so he wouldn't know how much I was drinking.

But, as honeypig says, if you understand the entire situation, are convinced there is nothing you can or should do to make YOUR situation better, then I'm sort of curious what you think we can do to help you? If you think there's some secret we have to getting someone else sober, you're sadly mistaken. There IS no way to get someone sober who doesn't want to be.

Mapper

I just know he would never go out of his way to do anything because it's too much of a hassle for him. We went to the gym for a while. I think he maybe went 2 or 3 times and then stopped because it was too much of a hassle. He even left his fairly new sneakers in the locker at the gym and never went back to get them because he couldn't be bothered and just bought new ones. He had a collections person after him and they were deducting $200-$300 every other paycheck for nearly a year but he would never find out why or talk to anyone about it. Kept telling me "I don't know what they are collecting on. I'll have to call them". He lost thousands of dollars because he couldn't be bothered to call.

AnvilheadII

and what about YOUR part in all of this? you BUY the man alcohol.....and yet are here complaining about how he is when he drinks. do you want anything from us.....or just a place to post your complaints?

honeypig

Mapper, you are not be the first one to insist that HE is the whole problem, and if he'd just straighten up and fly right, everything would be perfect. A lot of us have been down that road, and the ending is never happy. But if you need to travel it yourself, right to the bitter end, certainly that choice is yours.

A saying I'm fond of goes like this: Smart people learn from their mistakes. Really smart people learn from other people's mistakes.

And that's all I have to say on this topic. Good luck.

trailmix

Hi Mapper,

I understand what you are saying about it ruining your whole outing. Plus, i'm sure you are not ever in a great frame of mind right now, or rarely, with all this going on.

The thing is, sometimes, you have to force yourself to do things. Something as simple as getting in your car on the weekend and going for a drive to a nearby town for some ice cream.

Maybe get a bike and start riding again? Google Meetup to find groups in your area that might do friendly bike rides together.

Sure it might not be fun the first few times, but again, if you force yourself to do it you might find that after a while your sense of fun starts coming back (and confidence - which seems he is undermining) and it might turn out to be fun after all.

Anyway, just my thoughts.

atalose

Even more reason to hide some, so that it’s not a hassle getting more at the moment he wants it. Kind of like hiding money, just in case!!!