Casseopia

Hello all,

I'm not normally very good at reaching out on bad days but I'm beginning to understand the power of reaching out and letting others help you, if they can, so I thought it would be good to come and post here.

I am so, so down. I've barely stopped crying all day.

I have been healing from my AH's secret addictions for 18 months now (they were a secret and all came out in one explosive day two weeks after we got married. They included him having sex with men) and I'm tired and I'm still so sad.

I had a recovery plan from day one, pretty much and it was, and has been, the following:

Eating well, eating clean
Counselling
Seeing the philosophical side of what's happened - looking for the best in the situation
Daily meditation
Crying it all out when I need to (I live alone so can cry all day without anyone seeing me, if I need to)
New home (which I love)
Self Care - every day in every way that I can, for example always getting showered and dressed even when I didn't feel like it, having the odd sofa day without any guilt, trying to give myself what I need
Exercise
No contact with AH (I've been a bit on and off with this but I've finally done it)
Initiating divorce proceedings
Journalling
Doing my best with work (I'm a freelance designer and work from home)
Getting new contracts and working hard
Walking with my dog every day, twice a day in the fresh air
A new regime of vitamin and mineral supplements daily
Have mostly given up alcohol (I was a bit of a Friday night binge drinker before this all happened. It's pretty common where I live that everyone goes to the pub on a Friday after work)
Reading and understanding what I am dealing with (reading this forum, books, other websites - whatever I can get my hands on really. Currently reading Codependent No More.)
Went to a four-day retreat for people affected by others addictions, run by the same people who run the rehab my AH went into
Talking to friends
Taking time to heal
I am planning on Alanon but having anxiety after this all kicked off has meant I haven't been able to physically make a meeting as yet
I have (today) made a doctor's appointment to see what we can do about this anxiety and depression - though I'd really rather not go down the drug route if I can help it

If I came here to this forum and said I was down and anxious, I'm sure you guys would pretty much tell me to try everything that's already on my list. I am trying it, I'm doing it and I had glimmers of light last year but since finding out he is marrying crazy rehab girl, it feels like the sky has fallen in again.

18 months and despite my best efforts I feel as anxious AF, depressed, sad and lost. I do not know what more my brain, body and soul need me to do to start feeling better.

18 months may not sound like a long time but living in pain and trauma means it feels about ten times longer. I'm tired, I feel so sad and I need a massive hug from someone who really cares about me. I feel like I'm starved of light. I need to try and get out of this dark tunnel.

Thank you for listening

AnvilheadII

Ariesagain

Because Anvil said it so well I'm plagiarizing.

Sweets, you've done an absolutely incredibly brave and proactive job in the face of a terrible situation. I do believe, from my experience, that there's something my husband and I call the "adrenaline shield" that gets you through the worst of the immediate crisis.

It's later, when you've handled all the practical details and done everything on your list that the shield lets go, because you can't live on adrenaline forever. Then we crash and feel like utter crap for a while.

Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself the way you would any trauma victim, with compassion and no expectations. Oh, and whatever delicious thing sounds good to you, calories and nutrition be damned.

It's going to be okay. It just sucks scissors right now.

Casseopia

'It sucks scissors' just gave me my first real laugh of the day.

Thank you Aries, I am getting worried that this level of grieving is just not normal. The adrenaline shield thing is a great theory. Maybe that's what I've been doing for 18 months. Surviving, getting myself safe, living on adrenaline...

suzyontour

You really are a woman of substance. What a nightmare you have been through.

Concerning your reluctance of the drug route. I felt the same but I took my doctors advice. He prescribed an anti depressant and drop as I need beta blockers for anxiety. I am 12 weeks into separation from AH and feeling so much better. They don't take the pain away fully so I can still cry if needed. they do take the edge off though, I am stronger, happier and no obsessing. I don't intend to stay on them forever but I'm so glad I am currently. I can now focus fully on recovery with a new energy and without dwelling on my AH all the time.

You are an amazing woman and all your hard work on yourself will pay off. You are in my prayers and heart xxx

Jo2017

Cass - sending hugs--you are doing all the right things. Unfortunately, we can't put a timetable on our recovery. I was feeling just where you are last week and you and everyone here was such a huge support for me. I am feeling so much more at peace this week but I know that the pendulum could swing back at anytime. We just have to keep moving toward that light at the end of tunnel--and know that you are not alone, even when it feels that way.

LifeRecovery

I have a big credentialing exam every five years. I just took it last Friday.

I took it in 2012 about 18 months out from when it all hit the fan for me.

I thought that I was supposed to have it all figured out in those 18 months. I thought I was supposed to have it all healed and back in place.

I just want to tell you that it does get better (I was on meds for a short time.....not during this period in my life though).

The test this go round was so much easier for me because I was not having to slog through the muck of feeling cruddy.

I want to commend you for reaching out. I don't think in 2012 I realized how much I was still in the muck of it. I could not see the forest for the trees.

Unfortunately sometime time takes time. I think you are putting the hard work in on the front end, and when you are able to look back on this you are going to be so glad you did.

mylifeismine

Cass,
There is no question about you taking your recovery seriously,
so good for you!!! When I review your list, the thing that jumps
out to me is lack of face to face contact with people who truly
understand addiction. Yes, I'm talking about alanon. This is the
component I would say you need to try. Try different meetings,
days, times, locations till you find the right one. I have always
felt safe at meetings, never had to speak unless I wanted to.

They alway ask if there are any newcomers, but thats so
they can answer any questions after the meeting and help
in any way. They know how you feel, we have been there.
Maybe not the same outside circumstances, but for what
it does to your heart, soul & mind, they know & get it.
The feeling of being cared about by these folks who
understand is very healing. Getting a sponsor is
wonderful too (but go to several meetings before
getting one).

You work from home, so consider work that requires you
to get out on a regular basis with others if you don't already.
Hugs to you

Smarie78

You've done EXACTLY what you should and even more than anyone can do in this situation. I am sorry you are going through this, but you will heal I promise. It just takes time. Stick with counseling (a good therapist that you can connect to) and Alanon, in addition to the healthy life you are living. But remember that no matter what you do even if you do every single thing right as it appears you are, only time heals and lessens the pain. And yes, it doesn't matter it's 18 months. I have been with my addict for 2 years only but to live in pain and fear for that long is like a lifetime. Go easy on yourself. One day at a time. The rollercoaster is normal and these moments you experience will get less and less over time.

Casseopia

Thank you. Yes there is a lack of face to face for me. I'm a really sociable person and my current social interaction is; counselling with an addiction specialist once a week, boxing training once a week, writing circle once a month, lots of chats on my dogs walks with lovely dog people every day and I try to see a friend or two once a week. Written down that looks like a lot but it doesn't feel like it.

I tried to get to AlAnon last week but have severe driving anxiety. If I can get a grip on that I will be there like a shot.

Thanks for your reply. I am reading them all and I am so glad I reached out.

Have edited the post as I realise I didn't quite get your point. I have counselling with an addiction specialist once a week and will get to AlAnon as soon as I can drive again. Anxiety is stopping me at the moment but I will get there.

dandylion

Casseo.....I think seeking profressional help, at this point, is a good move....

Casseopia

Thank you Smarie. My counsellor doesn't think I'm taking too long to heal but I'm so tired and down. I'm glad this forum exists. im sorry you're going through this too.

Casseopia

Thanks Dandylion. I have regular counselling and I'm seeing the doctor next week. I'm beginning to worry about myself to be honest.

NYCDoglvr

When I got that down antidepressants made the difference, but that was my choice. I'm glad you're seeing the doctor. A big big hug.

Jaeger

I too had to be on anti-depressants for a little while. It helped me get through that time period. I would estimate approx. 5-6 months. I also was experiencing some pretty bad anxiety that was causing my heart rate to be too high. I took beta blockers for that and it really helped. I was more comfortable with that than the normal benzo meds.

Bekindalways

Hi Cass, if grieving and healing were an olympic event I'd be in the stands leading the wave for you. What you have been through makes my eyes bug out.

For many people it takes several months to feel better . . . . . sigh . . . .then there are the rest of us for whom it takes longer.

Some people will hit the bottle when things like this happen. Strangely the booze is seen as more okay than antidepressants. Anti-depressants have worked for me although they don't work for everyone. It is possible that this horrendous experience has chemically changed you and anti-depressants could bring you back to normal.

Keep posting lady on your bad days. Or good days!

Smarie78

Casse - did you end the relationship 18 months ago when you found out? I only ask because my advice was toward time being what will heal these wounds, however, if it has been 18 months and you are not finding your way out of the grief, then I agree with the others on looking into meds for the short term. Grief is natural and normal after what you have been through, but 18 months of depression and anxiety are not (in the sense that you are clearly trying everything and going on this long with grief can be dangerous in the long term). I'm not a doctor but glad you are seeking one.

I didn't read the other part before that he was re-marrying so if you learned this only a short time ago it IS normal to get that pang of sadness back. That's another big blow. Your doctor will know better than I, but I would say if you were improving and then got knocked down again by this news, it is normal and you can get over this hump too by continuing with therapy. If you simply have not felt any real improvement 18 months since this happened and still battling depression and anxiety, then meds are not a bad idea for the short term. Also, I think sometimes the grieving clock can get restarted whenever we are pulled back into the relationship for any reason (ie.finding out about them in a new relationship, getting a call from them, still in the middle of the divorce, etc.). I understand divorces take some time so between that and literally cutting all ties, sometimes that is when the real moving on begins.

You will get through this. keep posting.....you have lots of support here!

Casseopia

Thank you. You guys are just lovely.

And what's more amazing is to know you all have your own problems to deal with and yet you've taken time out of your day to read my story and offer a hand. Thank you.

I also realise that my recovery plan probably looks a little intimidating. So if you have children to take care of or have a busy job or are still living through your nightmare, please note that I'm in the really fortunate position to be able to devote a lot of time to my healing; I don't have children and I work from home. And I was utterly broken by what happened. For a while I think I was millimetres from a nervous breakdown. I had to take my recovery very seriously.

Some days I'm good and proud of my day. But some days I am a mess.

I say this because if I saw the list of healing things I am now doing right at the start of my journey, I think I would have been intimidated.

You guys are warriors. You rock.

dandylion

Casse.....I tend to agree with some os Smarie's thoughts.....I, also, wondered about getting the latest news about the remarriage plans....about it knocking you back into another level of grieving. I wonder if this was the thing that signaled that the whole thing was real....snipping the last thin thread of hope....?perhaps...

Another thing to be considered is that when a person has suffered a devastating loss...it can unearth other losses that might have not been completely mourned in one's past life...even as far back as childhood.....
Usually, a person will not recognize that this is happening...and, it feesl like it is all just the current loss that is being mourned....
This may cause the grieving to differ from the usual expected pattern of grieving...in terms of intensity and longevity.....
I don't know if that is the case, here, of course, but, I thought it might be worth mentioning.....

I have heard it described that the difference between depression and grief can be summarized like this: Depression feels like being dead or numb, inside...the absence of normal feelings.... Whereas, grief is the presence of overwhelmingly painful feelings.....intense feelings....

Casse....I wouldn't jump to too many conclusions about what "seeing the doctor" means....You and the doctor will discuss the whole thing, and come to an agreement as to what is best treatment for you , or not.....Don't predecide anything in you r head, ahead of time.....
Treatment for anxiety/panic attacks, or, even phobias, can be done wit h specific techniques by a specialist....which the doctor, can, undoubtedly refer you to.....Anxiety states can be very effectively treated...and, not take as long as you may think....I think you can be very optimistic...in the hands of the right person.
I know you have been seeing an addictions specialist...and that is good...but, they are not equipped to treat everything...(nor should they be expected to).......

Casseopia

Thank you. Our D Day was 18 months ago. The day I found out he'd been having sex with men and was a secret coke addict. It was two weeks after our wedding party back home with our friends and family. (we got married abroad a few weeks before that) The alcohol abuse I did know about towards the end but thought he was dealing with it as he'd started going to AA.

We went through some very traumatic times as the story unfolded.

He went into rehab a year ago. And apparently walked straight into the new relationship before we'd even started to untangle our marriage. They've been very on and off. He told me she was crazy and it was all hopeless at several points. And now he's marrying her. Ouch.

Yes I literally just found out about the moving in and trying for a family and marriage about ten days ago. She keeps harassing me and telling me things. She's not stable. I've blocked her every way she's contacted me but she keeps finding new ways to harass me. I've told him about it and he was surprised it was happening. I hope it stops now.

Yes it does feel like the grief clock has restarted. Pain on top of pain. I'm so tired. I genuinely thought we were the lives of each other's lives. It felt like that was what we were. She has since told me, unprompted, that he says he 'never loved me in the right way and should never have married me.' That just shattered my heart all over again.

Thank you for being there. And for the hugs and support.