Originally Posted by Casseopia

Hello all,

I'm not normally very good at reaching out on bad days but I'm beginning to understand the power of reaching out and letting others help you, if they can, so I thought it would be good to come and post here.

I am so, so down. I've barely stopped crying all day.

I have been healing from my AH's secret addictions for 18 months now (they were a secret and all came out in one explosive day two weeks after we got married. They included him having sex with men) and I'm tired and I'm still so sad.

I had a recovery plan from day one, pretty much and it was, and has been, the following:

Eating well, eating clean
Counselling
Seeing the philosophical side of what's happened - looking for the best in the situation
Daily meditation
Crying it all out when I need to (I live alone so can cry all day without anyone seeing me, if I need to)
New home (which I love)
Self Care - every day in every way that I can, for example always getting showered and dressed even when I didn't feel like it, having the odd sofa day without any guilt, trying to give myself what I need
Exercise
No contact with AH (I've been a bit on and off with this but I've finally done it)
Initiating divorce proceedings
Journalling
Doing my best with work (I'm a freelance designer and work from home)
Getting new contracts and working hard
Walking with my dog every day, twice a day in the fresh air
A new regime of vitamin and mineral supplements daily
Have mostly given up alcohol (I was a bit of a Friday night binge drinker before this all happened. It's pretty common where I live that everyone goes to the pub on a Friday after work)
Reading and understanding what I am dealing with (reading this forum, books, other websites - whatever I can get my hands on really. Currently reading Codependent No More.)
Went to a four-day retreat for people affected by others addictions, run by the same people who run the rehab my AH went into
Talking to friends
Taking time to heal
I am planning on Alanon but having anxiety after this all kicked off has meant I haven't been able to physically make a meeting as yet
I have (today) made a doctor's appointment to see what we can do about this anxiety and depression - though I'd really rather not go down the drug route if I can help it

If I came here to this forum and said I was down and anxious, I'm sure you guys would pretty much tell me to try everything that's already on my list. I am trying it, I'm doing it and I had glimmers of light last year but since finding out he is marrying crazy rehab girl, it feels like the sky has fallen in again.

18 months and despite my best efforts I feel as anxious AF, depressed, sad and lost. I do not know what more my brain, body and soul need me to do to start feeling better.

18 months may not sound like a long time but living in pain and trauma means it feels about ten times longer. I'm tired, I feel so sad and I need a massive hug from someone who really cares about me. I feel like I'm starved of light. I need to try and get out of this dark tunnel.

Thank you for listening