Feeling so down. I am reaching out...
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Dandylion you make some good points. My counsellor warned me at the start that it may open old wounds. It certainly did.
My mother was an addict and a psychopath. I won't go into all the details now but I did have a traumatic childhood. She did me a favour by throwing me out at 16. I did a lot of healing from that. I worked at it. But I hadn't realised I was still attracted to addicts. And then I marry the mother of all addicts... alcohol, drugs, sex with men, a love addict and, according to rehab, also bipolar. You guys will probably relate to this but he was the most high functioning addict you might ever meet. Nobody would have believed it. He held down a high paying job, was loving, kind, really funny and just wonderful. A great husband. But he lived a double life in absolute secrecy.
So yes, this has opened many old wounds. It's been like a plot twist in a movie. Plot twists are nowhere near as entertaining in real life. And realising that I was not as healed from my childhood as I thought has been hard.
I would currently give anything for this anxiety to give me some respite. I can't begin to imagine travelling away on holiday at the moment but it would do me the world of good. I have friends all over the place it would be healing to spend time with. I would like to try and live again but irrational anxiety keeps me close to home.
I really do hope the doctor can help.
My mother was an addict and a psychopath. I won't go into all the details now but I did have a traumatic childhood. She did me a favour by throwing me out at 16. I did a lot of healing from that. I worked at it. But I hadn't realised I was still attracted to addicts. And then I marry the mother of all addicts... alcohol, drugs, sex with men, a love addict and, according to rehab, also bipolar. You guys will probably relate to this but he was the most high functioning addict you might ever meet. Nobody would have believed it. He held down a high paying job, was loving, kind, really funny and just wonderful. A great husband. But he lived a double life in absolute secrecy.
So yes, this has opened many old wounds. It's been like a plot twist in a movie. Plot twists are nowhere near as entertaining in real life. And realising that I was not as healed from my childhood as I thought has been hard.
I would currently give anything for this anxiety to give me some respite. I can't begin to imagine travelling away on holiday at the moment but it would do me the world of good. I have friends all over the place it would be healing to spend time with. I would like to try and live again but irrational anxiety keeps me close to home.
I really do hope the doctor can help.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
Your story sounds incredibly difficult. I can't imagine how hard it's been for you. I just wanted to add another vote for don't be afraid of meds. I was a mess for nearly two years. My ex occupied every ounce of thought and emotion I had. I couldn't understand why I couldn't really move on despite the fact that he didn't treat me well. I finally admitted that I needed help beyond therapy and started medication. It's a HUGE difference. I'm getting back to myself again. Don't hesitate to talk to your doctor. It really could help.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Thank you BeKind. Your post made me smile.
This is a good point...
"It is possible that this horrendous experience has chemically changed you and anti-depressants could bring you back to normal."
A very good point. My brain chemicals are probably all over the place. I hadn't considered this. Thank you.
This is a good point...
"It is possible that this horrendous experience has chemically changed you and anti-depressants could bring you back to normal."
A very good point. My brain chemicals are probably all over the place. I hadn't considered this. Thank you.
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Originally Posted by Ap052183 
Your story sounds incredibly difficult. I can't imagine how hard it's been for you. I just wanted to add another vote for don't be afraid of meds. I was a mess for nearly two years. My ex occupied every ounce of thought and emotion I had. I couldn't understand why I couldn't really move on despite the fact that he didn't treat me well. I finally admitted that I needed help beyond therapy and started medication. It's a HUGE difference. I'm getting back to myself again. Don't hesitate to talk to your doctor. It really could help.
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Cass - another one on meds here - and still struggling to heal. Doing lots of things - but not enough people contact as in having fun! so too much time to brood and over-think (I excel at brooding/overthinking) but without the extra help from the meds I think I would be seriously struggling. I feel like I have PTSD.
Of course you will have a reaction to his new craziness infecting your space via the crazy one - who wouldn't. ... my AH also has a new love in his life and it hurts but I have to remember that I do not want to be her - and she is definitely not going to find happiness with him.
I am trying to practice not thinking about him at all - not easy. Do you find yourself running through all this in your head in spite of your programme?
You sound such a lovely caring woman Cass. Take care of you.
Of course you will have a reaction to his new craziness infecting your space via the crazy one - who wouldn't. ... my AH also has a new love in his life and it hurts but I have to remember that I do not want to be her - and she is definitely not going to find happiness with him.
I am trying to practice not thinking about him at all - not easy. Do you find yourself running through all this in your head in spite of your programme?
You sound such a lovely caring woman Cass. Take care of you.
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Originally Posted by Casseopia
I tried to get to AlAnon last week but have severe driving anxiety. If I can get a grip on that I will be there like a shot.
I will get to AlAnon as soon as I can drive again. Anxiety is stopping me at the moment but I will get there.
I will get to AlAnon as soon as I can drive again. Anxiety is stopping me at the moment but I will get there.
Based on my experience volunteering at my local Alanon office, this won't be an unusual request. Alanon is there to help in any way they can, if you only give them the opportunity.
Hope some of the other suggestions prove useful for you, too, Cass.
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Casseopia I don't see how you can fail to overcome this in the long-term, with your constructive approach. Please don't be too down-hearted about your EXAH getting married again. It hurts like crazy now, and you may feel you're back at the beginning, but there's a strong chance that this setback will be of much shorter length. Don't let it scare you too much.
If you can bring yourself to, get your prescription, and give yourself six months to see if it helps, then you can decide whether you want to continue. I hope it works and gives you a little relief to back up the amazing work you've been doing to get through this.
If you can bring yourself to, get your prescription, and give yourself six months to see if it helps, then you can decide whether you want to continue. I hope it works and gives you a little relief to back up the amazing work you've been doing to get through this.
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Originally Posted by merhaba
Cass - another one on meds here - and still struggling to heal. Doing lots of things - but not enough people contact as in having fun! so too much time to brood and over-think (I excel at brooding/overthinking) but without the extra help from the meds I think I would be seriously struggling. I feel like I have PTSD.
Of course you will have a reaction to his new craziness infecting your space via the crazy one - who wouldn't. ... my AH also has a new love in his life and it hurts but I have to remember that I do not want to be her - and she is definitely not going to find happiness with him.
I am trying to practice not thinking about him at all - not easy. Do you find yourself running through all this in your head in spite of your programme?
You sound such a lovely caring woman Cass. Take care of you.
Of course you will have a reaction to his new craziness infecting your space via the crazy one - who wouldn't. ... my AH also has a new love in his life and it hurts but I have to remember that I do not want to be her - and she is definitely not going to find happiness with him.
I am trying to practice not thinking about him at all - not easy. Do you find yourself running through all this in your head in spite of your programme?
You sound such a lovely caring woman Cass. Take care of you.
There's a quote, I think it's from the Great Gatsby: "There is no place in polite society for a broken man." I so get this quote. What's happening with me is my biggest topic, forefront of my mind right now and polite chit chat is hard to find in your mind when you're broken. I have accepted that taking myself away from some aspects of life for a while is the best thing I can do for me.
Yes I do run through this in my head quite a bit. Work helps me to not do that so much but it's always there, in my quiet moments. I don't think I'll ever 'get over' this massive betrayal from a man who I thought was on my side and had my back - but I will learn to live with it. I am forever changed so I need to make sure the change ends up being for the best in the end.
The irony is that he would kill (not literally) anyone who had hurt me this much and yet the pain is coming from his actions.
What's your recovery plan Merhaba?
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Casseopia I don't see how you can fail to overcome this in the long-term, with your constructive approach. Please don't be too down-hearted about your EXAH getting married again. It hurts like crazy now, and you may feel you're back at the beginning, but there's a strong chance that this setback will be of much shorter length. Don't let it scare you too much.
If you can bring yourself to, get your prescription, and give yourself six months to see if it helps, then you can decide whether you want to continue. I hope it works and gives you a little relief to back up the amazing work you've been doing to get through this.
If you can bring yourself to, get your prescription, and give yourself six months to see if it helps, then you can decide whether you want to continue. I hope it works and gives you a little relief to back up the amazing work you've been doing to get through this.
I will try this route, definitely.
Thank you for the advice.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
This isn't a long-term solution, but it could be helpful for now: Look online for the phone number for your local Alanon Central Office. Each region has one, I believe. You should be able to call there, mention which meeting(s) you would like to attend, and have them contact that group to see if there is someone who can give you a ride to the meeting and take you home. (This also takes care of that concern about where do I sit, I won't know anyone, etc.)
Based on my experience volunteering at my local Alanon office, this won't be an unusual request. Alanon is there to help in any way they can, if you only give them the opportunity.
Hope some of the other suggestions prove useful for you, too, Cass.
Based on my experience volunteering at my local Alanon office, this won't be an unusual request. Alanon is there to help in any way they can, if you only give them the opportunity.
Hope some of the other suggestions prove useful for you, too, Cass.
Unfortunately the anxiety is at similar levels whoever is driving. I think it's being out of my 'safe zone' that does it. My counsellor thinks it's quite natural to want to hide in your own little cave in traumatic times.
Maybe I should stop being so frustrated with the anxiety - I do know it's just a part of my brain trying to protect me. Unfortunately it feels like it's started to harm me because I struggle to go anywhere - even safe and therapeutic places. One of the counsellors at my four-day retreat thought I had PTSD.
I'll see what the doctor says tomorrow.
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Casseopia.....taking antidepressants t hat are properly prescribed, is not the same as "medicating pain away"....it is not masking or numbing the psychic pain...it is treatment that allows the person to return to more normal functioning .....Normal functioning is the goal....
Alcoholism and addiction do not lead to normal functioning....
Alcoholism and addiction do not lead to normal functioning....
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Hello Cass 
With all that you have been through, you deserve the best self-care possible. I am glad you are seeing your doctor and that you have the regular support of a counselor.
Please know that you are doing remarkably well for what you have experienced even though you don't feel like it at this time.
I have no fabulous and insightful words of wisdom to share. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers...sending many hugs, too!
With all that you have been through, you deserve the best self-care possible. I am glad you are seeing your doctor and that you have the regular support of a counselor.
Please know that you are doing remarkably well for what you have experienced even though you don't feel like it at this time.
I have no fabulous and insightful words of wisdom to share. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers...sending many hugs, too!
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Originally Posted by mylifeismine
I know one place in polite society for a broken wo/man
and its alanon.
and its alanon.
My only issue is getting there. I'm having massive anxiety around driving. But I am working on it.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Casseopia.....taking antidepressants t hat are properly prescribed, is not the same as "medicating pain away"....it is not masking or numbing the psychic pain...it is treatment that allows the person to return to more normal functioning .....Normal functioning is the goal....
Alcoholism and addiction do not lead to normal functioning....
Alcoholism and addiction do not lead to normal functioning....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Casseopia.....taking antidepressants t hat are properly prescribed, is not the same as "medicating pain away"....it is not masking or numbing the psychic pain...it is treatment that allows the person to return to more normal functioning .....Normal functioning is the goal....
Alcoholism and addiction do not lead to normal functioning....
Alcoholism and addiction do not lead to normal functioning....
Anti-depressants are not something you will crave like addicts/alcoholics crave their drug/hooch. If they work, they will help you function but not really eradicate the pain. I've been on anti-depressants for decades (for chronic not acute depression which you probably have) and I have never craved them.
However, unfortunately they don't work for everyone. Also medicating depression is a pretty inexact science. Each individual just has to try it and see how it works. If it does work, you won't see a difference for several weeks.
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Cass,
Taking a med for it's intended purpose along with therapy is
a resource that could really be very helpful to you right now.
You can try, see if helps, make progress and then stop it when
you are ready (under guidance by your doctor). Many, many
people have needed them to help with difficult situations.
As for driving, maybe baby steps. Get in the car a few times and
just put on some music from a time in your life when you felt
powerful. Teenage years - early 20's? Think about it. If you
like music, this can truly be helpful. For example, I've read
many times about suggestions to help with job interviews,
and to play some really energetic happy music on the way
there. I have noticed for myself certain songs can lift me &
some just make me want to dance. I can't exercise without
music. I think you should try
Oh and Honeypigs suggestion about calling and asking for
a ride, that's a great idea!
Taking a med for it's intended purpose along with therapy is
a resource that could really be very helpful to you right now.
You can try, see if helps, make progress and then stop it when
you are ready (under guidance by your doctor). Many, many
people have needed them to help with difficult situations.
As for driving, maybe baby steps. Get in the car a few times and
just put on some music from a time in your life when you felt
powerful. Teenage years - early 20's? Think about it. If you
like music, this can truly be helpful. For example, I've read
many times about suggestions to help with job interviews,
and to play some really energetic happy music on the way
there. I have noticed for myself certain songs can lift me &
some just make me want to dance. I can't exercise without
music. I think you should try
Oh and Honeypigs suggestion about calling and asking for
a ride, that's a great idea!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 76
Update:
I saw the doctor today and was prescribed Setraline with a consultation in a month to see how I'm getting on with it.
I've read that this drug can make anxiety temporarily worse and I really hope this is not the case for me as it's already pretty horrible. But if it does I will try and grit my teeth and see it through until it improves.
And then she did something which doctors don't normally do... she leaned forward and said - you are amazing, a really strong and inspirational woman and you will bring inspiration to lots of people. And love? You will find someone worthy of you who adores you. It will happen.
Wow! I've never had a doctor speak to me quite in that way before and it did warm my heart.
Solace can sometimes be found in places you least expect.
Thank you everyone so much for all of your time, care and advice. I mentioned this forum in the surgery and she was so pleased I had a supportive place to talk.
I saw the doctor today and was prescribed Setraline with a consultation in a month to see how I'm getting on with it.
I've read that this drug can make anxiety temporarily worse and I really hope this is not the case for me as it's already pretty horrible. But if it does I will try and grit my teeth and see it through until it improves.
And then she did something which doctors don't normally do... she leaned forward and said - you are amazing, a really strong and inspirational woman and you will bring inspiration to lots of people. And love? You will find someone worthy of you who adores you. It will happen.
Wow! I've never had a doctor speak to me quite in that way before and it did warm my heart.
Solace can sometimes be found in places you least expect.
Thank you everyone so much for all of your time, care and advice. I mentioned this forum in the surgery and she was so pleased I had a supportive place to talk.
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