30 days of limbo
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, as hard as it feels to let go of a dream, reality is actually much easier to deal with. Reality is solid, you take actions and get results. The results may not match the dream, but it's something you can work with, and build upon. Dream results happen only in your mind. And dream fears, too. REAL fears can be planned for and dealt with. It's the imaginary ones that leave us all weak in the knees, but they actually have no real power--except in our minds.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I accepted that there is no perfect happy family. All families have issues. I never strived for perfection.I never worked through my issues with him. My issues were swept under the rug... why... because I never knew if I could ever even wish him good night without ending up in tears. I don't want us to live this way anymore.
LOL....I've gotta tell you ladies...that, my language can get quite earthy, at times....
and smile, I will :)
Join Date: May 2017
Location: nebraska...BFE
Posts: 40
Also, I felt the need to recapture the fall. Because it's never that far away and it is what DEFINES the wonderful times as not real....
Because the minute the fall happens, everything is the exact opposite of what they've told you in the wonderful.
Now, from what I'm understanding, this is an abusive situation and THAT, my dear is exactly where I'm coming from. That's been my life for...well if you count my childhood, my whole damn life....
So if this is abusive then I know that they will just CRUSH you, if it's verbal abuse. I mean EVERYTHING that was loving, kind, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, and HEALTHY is now no where to be found!!
What happened to my husband???
Oh! This IS my husband.....
You HAVE to come to the realization that the feeling of entitlement these people have is REAL.
It's the WONDERFUL that's soooo hard for them to maintain.... Because it's not real my dear.
Think of the egg shells.
Think of constant wondering if it's going to be a good day or a bad day....
Think of when it IS a bad day... how does everyone in the house react or how are you and your precious kiddos FORCED to behave on bad days....
You need to think of these things when you think of the wonderful times....
Because it's THOSE times that scar us for life. And we just CAN'T let that happen to our kids, right?
How do you want them to remember their ONE and ONLY childhood. Because, i know i don't have to remind you, that we only get ONE shot to mold our children into happy, healthy adults. What we have them go through, sets the stage for THEIR happily ever after...
Please remember these things.
I have to remind myself EVERY day...in fact i had advice from another member here to make a list of some of the things he's said to me, so that when I'm remembering the wonderful...i can promptly be brought back to reality.
I'm sorry for any typos, I'm on my phone.
I felt compelled to bring this up.. Because it's VERY important.
Another hug for good measure girlie
Because the minute the fall happens, everything is the exact opposite of what they've told you in the wonderful.
Now, from what I'm understanding, this is an abusive situation and THAT, my dear is exactly where I'm coming from. That's been my life for...well if you count my childhood, my whole damn life....
So if this is abusive then I know that they will just CRUSH you, if it's verbal abuse. I mean EVERYTHING that was loving, kind, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, and HEALTHY is now no where to be found!!
What happened to my husband???
Oh! This IS my husband.....
You HAVE to come to the realization that the feeling of entitlement these people have is REAL.
It's the WONDERFUL that's soooo hard for them to maintain.... Because it's not real my dear.
Think of the egg shells.
Think of constant wondering if it's going to be a good day or a bad day....
Think of when it IS a bad day... how does everyone in the house react or how are you and your precious kiddos FORCED to behave on bad days....
You need to think of these things when you think of the wonderful times....
Because it's THOSE times that scar us for life. And we just CAN'T let that happen to our kids, right?
How do you want them to remember their ONE and ONLY childhood. Because, i know i don't have to remind you, that we only get ONE shot to mold our children into happy, healthy adults. What we have them go through, sets the stage for THEIR happily ever after...
Please remember these things.
I have to remind myself EVERY day...in fact i had advice from another member here to make a list of some of the things he's said to me, so that when I'm remembering the wonderful...i can promptly be brought back to reality.
I'm sorry for any typos, I'm on my phone.
I felt compelled to bring this up.. Because it's VERY important.
Another hug for good measure girlie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Mentally I am done with this marriage. Especially after the week we've had. He's been sober for two weeks now but he's gone 3 month stretches without drinking. The drinking is a side issue now compared with the personality issues. I don't think I could ever love him again and yet those words make me sad. When I divorce my house will be happier but they will have visitation with dad and maybe equal to now. They will still have to learn how to deal with dad's behavior.
The only thoughts I have is of my children. If both children took to school easily it wouldn't be such a concern. My focus is on my daughter. She struggles with school work so much. She did better when I was home during the school week more. That is the only inkling I have remaining about staying in this marriage and reducing my hours. If I get a divorce I will have to search for a new job. Wow all these changes within four months.
The only thoughts I have is of my children. If both children took to school easily it wouldn't be such a concern. My focus is on my daughter. She struggles with school work so much. She did better when I was home during the school week more. That is the only inkling I have remaining about staying in this marriage and reducing my hours. If I get a divorce I will have to search for a new job. Wow all these changes within four months.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Wow all these changes within four months.
Many times, we have stagnant or unhealthy situations across many areas of our lives at ones - not just in love. There is no freedom quite like changing it all at once! 'Go big, or go home' so to speak. I cannot wait to see where you are 1 year out from all of this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
HH,
I think you may be surprised at how well your children do when your AH is finally gone. The constant turmoil in the house makes it hard for ANYONE to cope, much less children. Have you considered talking to the guidance counselor and letting them know what is going on? There may be resources that you could take advantage of. Are your children old enough for Alateen?
Jaeger
I think you may be surprised at how well your children do when your AH is finally gone. The constant turmoil in the house makes it hard for ANYONE to cope, much less children. Have you considered talking to the guidance counselor and letting them know what is going on? There may be resources that you could take advantage of. Are your children old enough for Alateen?
Jaeger
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He's not that powerful. YOU can exercise your powers of discernment and judgment.
He has done this before, remember? Acted halfway decent for a few days? I think you can take it to the BANK that it won't last.
How about this, you leave anyway and see if he cares enough about you and the kids to CONTINUE to behave decently if he doesn't get his way immediately? Otherwise, it's just like a hostage situation. He'll "behave" as long as you do exactly what he wants but the second anything--however small--displeases him, he will revert to his normal abusive self. And your kids will pay the price, as well as you.
He has done this before, remember? Acted halfway decent for a few days? I think you can take it to the BANK that it won't last.
How about this, you leave anyway and see if he cares enough about you and the kids to CONTINUE to behave decently if he doesn't get his way immediately? Otherwise, it's just like a hostage situation. He'll "behave" as long as you do exactly what he wants but the second anything--however small--displeases him, he will revert to his normal abusive self. And your kids will pay the price, as well as you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Thanks Lexie, thats my inclination. Tell the children together about a week before he has to move out to prepare the children. This will also give him warning to though. Then see what happens in the next two monthes before our next court date. Have the child support paperwork go out that week before also. Which will also give him the heads up that this is really happening. For now he can pretend.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
I have been watching this thread with interest and hoping for the best. The month before I left XAH he treated me better than he had treated me in years. Once I left and went no contact- told him I needed a break, he called me- my friends and family, even the phone company, looking for numbers I had called. He stole a great deal of money out of a joint account- I filed for divorce first so I should get it back. But this man who professed so much love for me hasn't given me a penny of alimony- refuses to negotiate- so It's all going to court. He has turned my two children against me- and I am sure if he could think of other things to do to hurt me, he would do them. A complete flip flop of "good"behavior because I wanted to take a well deserved break from the insanity, and HE didn't like that. Preparing for the move and the limbo was so hard. Hugs to you, hearthealth!
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