30 days of limbo
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
30 days of limbo
I've had a counselor appointment today. The counselor has talked to my lawyer and stayed things are going on the right direction. I'm sad how is this in the right direction? H has been sober for 15 days. He leaves in 30 days. He's not packing. He's still in the basement building his hobby. No alcohol involved. He even stated that me my work schedule is too busy and I need to go down on my hours. We talk a little more but nothing has really changed. I'm still as sad. What do I do for these next 30 days?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he tried that one before....suggesting you reduce your hours. which would put you in a less than optimal position to support yourself and the kiddos and keep you reliant upon him. in fact it was your very first post here
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6113417
he isn't demonstrating ANY type of concern or remorse or feeling about the 31st day ahead. nope, he's just playing with his toys in the basement.
i suggest you stay safe and think about what you are going to do if and most likely WHEN he does not move out.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6113417
he isn't demonstrating ANY type of concern or remorse or feeling about the 31st day ahead. nope, he's just playing with his toys in the basement.
i suggest you stay safe and think about what you are going to do if and most likely WHEN he does not move out.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There's a ton of planning to be done. Start making lists. You might start with things like shopping for the best rates on car insurance, TV/internet service, cell phone service, etc. You won't necessarily want to stick with the same ones when it's only you.
Start asking friends for recommendations for handyman services, repair services, anything else that he might normally take care of around the house or in your lives. It will help you feel more in control when things go wrong--the plumbing leaks, the car breaks down, whatever.
Think about what might make you panic once you're on your own and start making contingency plans to deal with it.
I forget, you're working right now, correct? Do you have good backup childcare? Do you need to think about upgrading your skills or looking for a better-paying job? Maybe update your resume.
Think about some fun things you can do with the kids after he moves out.
Think about things you've always wanted to do but didn't pursue because you were too busy dealing with a drunk and walking on eggshells. Is there an online course you could take? Maybe something you always wanted to learn--a new hobby or something?
Think about how you want your living space to look--maybe think about rearranging the furniture, buying a new bed (or at least new bedding), redoing your bedroom to make it YOU. If you like music, think about a new radio or speakers for your bedroom.
In short, think about what you can plan that will celebrate your freedom. This can be an exciting new chapter in your life. I know you still feel sad that it's going in this direction, but try to start considering the positives that can come out of this.
Start asking friends for recommendations for handyman services, repair services, anything else that he might normally take care of around the house or in your lives. It will help you feel more in control when things go wrong--the plumbing leaks, the car breaks down, whatever.
Think about what might make you panic once you're on your own and start making contingency plans to deal with it.
I forget, you're working right now, correct? Do you have good backup childcare? Do you need to think about upgrading your skills or looking for a better-paying job? Maybe update your resume.
Think about some fun things you can do with the kids after he moves out.
Think about things you've always wanted to do but didn't pursue because you were too busy dealing with a drunk and walking on eggshells. Is there an online course you could take? Maybe something you always wanted to learn--a new hobby or something?
Think about how you want your living space to look--maybe think about rearranging the furniture, buying a new bed (or at least new bedding), redoing your bedroom to make it YOU. If you like music, think about a new radio or speakers for your bedroom.
In short, think about what you can plan that will celebrate your freedom. This can be an exciting new chapter in your life. I know you still feel sad that it's going in this direction, but try to start considering the positives that can come out of this.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HeartHealth.....I agree with Anvil's post, that it is most likely WHEN he does not move out.
He probably assumes that you aren't serious, because he thinks you would never carry through (my first husband thought the same...at first).
He knows where your vulnerabilities are, and he probably figures that as long as he manipulates those, he can have his way. That you will soften and cave.
He sure doesn't sound like an alcoholic who is ready for genuine, lifelong sobriety....he sounds, like one who is whiteknuckling long enough to get his return of the status-quo.
I, also, suggest that you get a plan ready for the worst scenario. And...get out you handy list of the valid reasons that got you (and the children) to this point.
Just like the alcoholic who has to recommit to sobriety, each day...establish yourself a "recommitment" ritual every day....something like this...
1. Read you most important reasons list.
2. Review your plan B list in detail. Visualize yourself doing it in your mind.
He probably assumes that you aren't serious, because he thinks you would never carry through (my first husband thought the same...at first).
He knows where your vulnerabilities are, and he probably figures that as long as he manipulates those, he can have his way. That you will soften and cave.
He sure doesn't sound like an alcoholic who is ready for genuine, lifelong sobriety....he sounds, like one who is whiteknuckling long enough to get his return of the status-quo.
I, also, suggest that you get a plan ready for the worst scenario. And...get out you handy list of the valid reasons that got you (and the children) to this point.
Just like the alcoholic who has to recommit to sobriety, each day...establish yourself a "recommitment" ritual every day....something like this...
1. Read you most important reasons list.
2. Review your plan B list in detail. Visualize yourself doing it in your mind.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by dandylion 
2. Review your plan B list in detail. Visualize yourself doing it in your mind.
Knowing that he probably assumes you are bluffing, ask your lawyer what actions you will have to take when the day comes and he's got a gazillion excuses and hasn't packed so much as a toiletry kit. Do NOT remind him--as Anvil points out, he knows the date perfectly well. His response won't be that he "forgot"--it will be that he can't believe you were serious. And he will say now that he KNOWS you are serious, he needs a few more weeks to figure something out.
He is very, very predictable in this respect. I can almost guarantee that is what he will do. So figure out who you call, what needs to be in place, to have him removed. Does the court order need to be filed with the sheriff's department? Do you need to actually initiate eviction proceedings, or is the court's order sufficient in itself? And do NOT tell him what you are doing before you do it. That could put you in danger.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I think you can help yourself by starting to LIVE like you will be by yourself. Like Lexie said - start getting insurance and utilities changed over. Spend time alone doing good things for yourself. Keep your distance from him. Separate his stuff from your closet and drawers. Change the shower curtain in YOUR bathroom, and the art in your bedroom to something that suits just you. Join a meetup group, etc etc.
It's hard to think this way while hes still there, and the dark cloud is hanging....but please try to start giving yourself a taste of the freedom you are about to have!!
It's hard to think this way while hes still there, and the dark cloud is hanging....but please try to start giving yourself a taste of the freedom you are about to have!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
His capacity to ignore the glaringly obvious is astounding, isn't it? Who sends an anniversary card to the person who is divorcing him and kicking him out of the house in less than a month?
Chutzpah doesn't begin to describe it.
Chutzpah doesn't begin to describe it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hh,
Show him you are changing, without him involved. You plan on living life!! He's a big boy, we will see how he handles the surprise of being evicted. You will become one major biatch.... hang in there, it will be over soon.
Show him you are changing, without him involved. You plan on living life!! He's a big boy, we will see how he handles the surprise of being evicted. You will become one major biatch.... hang in there, it will be over soon.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Why were you calling?
At this point, unless it's regarding the children, you should not call. Any little thing you do, at all, will only encourage his already predictable behavior. I predict he will do absolutely what Lexie stated above.
At this point, unless it's regarding the children, you should not call. Any little thing you do, at all, will only encourage his already predictable behavior. I predict he will do absolutely what Lexie stated above.
Originally Posted by hearthealth
Phoenix, I did think of that but not with the children and school and routines.
His idea of togetherness on our anniversary---not picking up his phone when I tried to call.
His idea of togetherness on our anniversary---not picking up his phone when I tried to call.
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