Smarie78

I don't want him to come back sick and broken begging for forgiveness so I get to take him back. I don't want it. I only want it to go away. I don't want it like this at all, no part of it is comfortable or enjoyable for me, Codie or not. I want him to never do it again and be normal. I want him to recover and tell me he is finally getting help and is leaving me to do it. I want him to live even if it's without me. Maybe there are ppl on here who like being the martyr and get off on destruction and pain. That's not me. If that's how you lived it that is your story it is not mine.

SparkleKitty

Whether you want it or not is not really relevant, is it? It's what you're doing, and it's what you've been doing for awhile now. It IS your story. Until I learned to take ownership of my own story, I was destined to keep letting other people write it for me. You want him to let YOU go?--what is keeping you from letting go for yourself?

AnvilheadII

I only want it to go away.

then make it go away. your call. walk the talk.

PuzzledHeart

What do you want for yourself?

You're still very much talking about him and "it".

Who are you?

TropicalWinter

Nailed it.

Hangnbyathread

In my case.

The moment the last truckload of her possessions were loaded and she drove off my property, my life at that moment began to get better. And that continued everyday thereafter.

LexieCat

Agree with SparkleKitty. You are not at his mercy. You said you'd rather he be happy and well than with you. Really? Imagine his getting happy and well and kicking you to the curb. Never wants to see you/hear from you again. You'd be fine with that? Happy? Immediately move on with your life? After you've "invested" so much time, effort, emotion?

If you are still in the same position five years, ten years from now (and don't imagine he can't go on this way for that long, because he can), it will be because that's what you've accepted. If you were happy with that, that would be nobody's business. You're saying you're NOT happy with that--but the only one who can change it is you.

You keep waiting until it feels "OK" to walk away. It's like the alcoholic waiting to put down the drink until s/he feels great about sobriety. The action has to PRECEDE the feeling. Feelings catch up. Most people feel not only a sense of relief when they leave--they also feel anxiety and stress. But those fade as they build a new life for themselves. Feeling anxiety and stress right after a big change is NORMAL. It's normal for the newly sober, and it's normal for the newly single--whether broken up, divorced, or widowed. It doesn't mean you're not "ready" or that you can't cope. It means it will take time to adjust and to build a new, healthy life for yourself, that's all.

hopeful4

He is showing you who he is. Believe it.

Decide how you want to live your future. Can you go through the cycle you described over and over? If you want normal, you won't find it with him. It's your decision how to handle that.

I don't mean to cut to the chase, but that is where it is.

Hugs to you, I know it's so hard.

Bekindalways

I sure get the wanting someone to quit committing suicide. I've been there with the desperation. Most of us have.

The further along in recovery we get, the more we accept that every individual has the right to live their life as they want even when it means committing the slow suicide of alcoholism. Our choice is committing a kind of codie suicide with them or choosing to live our lives.

Smarie you indeed are a unique person as is your abf however many of the characteristics of codies and addicts are not unique. Sending him a picture of his son and trying to change the situation is very typical codie behavior. I used to write and rewrite letters thinking if I just said the right thing, I could change the course of his life. I know now it doesn't work that way.

Keep working on you and posting.

Sasha1972

I understand that you want these things - but you can't make them happen. That is entirely and completely up to him - you have nothing to do with it.

You have to decide how you're going to live if you can't have what you want, which is the situation you're in. You might decide you're going to stay in this cycle of crisis, apology, drama, calm, more crisis, over and over, or you might decide you're going to leave it behind and move on with your life.

If you do decide to move on, you're going to have many moments of self-doubt and "who am I?" in the first few months, because this cycle has been your life for so long. But it doesn't have to be your life forever. It's up to you.

NYCDoglvr

Escape? I was never a prisoner, except from my own distorted thinking. It felt like I'd finally grown up and taken responsibility for myself.

freetosmile2

Great post!!! All those feelings I could totally relate with...

as for the escaping part? I'll let ya know when I get there....

Smarie78

Thanks all....I was only frustrated at some of the replies which seemed to imply I was excited about this cycle and taking him back. Deep down inside when the cycles/benders happen the only excitement I get beneath the despair is that I have this faux-permission to leave. I know its distorted thinking and I can leave anytime I want, but it does feel that way to me. As though i have this window to escape without feeling guilt or pain. It's a cowardice fantasy I know I create to get around all of this that I have created with him. It's too big for me and the longer it goes on the bigger it gets. The more shame I feel, the more fear I feel mixed with confidence to disappear. I see his things around the house - if I pack them up it's real. If I leave them there I'm stalling. I should pack them up tonight.

I read a story about a woman whose partner did the same thing, the same cycles. She finally hit her bottom and took his things and packed them up and sent them to his mother. She describes a relaxed and almost numbed state of doing it. No dramatics. No burning of cards and letters. She was just done. I think Sasha72 put it best. I am scared to lose the little world that's been mine for so long, no matter it filled with pain and shame. It was still mine. But....as with anything, there comes a time to let go.

LexieCat

Have you ever considered, though, that the guilt/pain will be TEMPORARY? Until you work through it? I had plenty of pain, relatively little guilt, when I left my second husband. But the pain lasted only a little while--as I reclaimed my life I realized I could NEVER go back to the pain I had when I was with him.

If you read around these forums, the vast majority of people who leave work through their pain and guilt within a matter of months--maybe a year or a bit more, tops. And most of the lingering pain involves having to have continued contact because there are children in common. You won't have that complication. You seem to assume you will be consumed by pain/guilt for the rest of your days. I seriously doubt that will be the case.

dandylion

Smarie...I agree with he other posters....and, would like to add this one thought.....you have mentioned "shame" so much (and guilt). I suspect that this is very related to baggage that you brought from your own past. When a person is talking about shame...it often indicates that they were given that message in their young years (intentional or not)...that they were flawed in some way....and a your person can internalize that self concept...and, it can become a filter that they judge themselves through, for the rest of their lives...It becomes the background of self talk. It can become a deeply held peronal "truth". The internalization of a lie that they have been told.

This can be dealt with, by intense "family of origin" work, with a good therapist.
I am so glad that you have your therapist....and I hope that you continue that relationship.....
Like ariesagain said, on your other thread...don't let the past screw up your present and future!