Ituvia

FB, it's coming Sunday. 5 days to go.

atalose

So actually what you are saying is that for your birthday you are going to give yourself one big hurtful disappointment that will quickly turn to resentment.

How about you give yourself freedom and accept reality.

Ituvia

No, just thought he'd send a text or something

Ariesagain

So say you get a two word text from him...Happy Birthday.

What does that change?

Say you hear nothing.

Does that change anything?

The point we're trying to make is that you can decide to take control back of your emotional wellbeing and stop waiting every second for some crumb from him that you can analyze endlessly.

It's really, really hard. I spent an entire year doing what you're doing. All I did was lose a year.

Sending you a hug.

Ituvia

No, it doesn't change anything . It will probably feel like he remembers me or even thinks about me

Ariesagain

Addiction destroys higher level mental abstractions... like love, responsibility, and regard for others...because it takes over the base part of the brain that is in charge of survival. There is at the core of all of us pure biological selfishness when it comes to surviving...food, water, air. For late-stage addiction, add in the drug of choice.

You might as well ask him to stop breathing as far as he's concerned.

My point is that you're assuming he still has all those higher level brain moments and is intellectually choosing to reject you based on you. And that's what he's telling you.

It's a lie he doesn't even know he's telling because he believes it himself.

The fact is that nothing matters except his addiction. His survival brain has taken over and anything or anyone that might threaten it or fail to enable it will be dumped by the side of the road.

It's really, really, REALLY not you. It's him.

Ituvia

Ariesagain, thank you. You know I had difficulty putting into words what I want to say about this. I mean, I read "Addiction, relationship and lies" and I *know* what alcohol has done to him but when I read the messages or pictures, those information doesn't seem to come to mind. I feel like he is so normal and the way he is acting is normal and I find it difficult to reconcile what I read about alcoholism and his character. I am still not able to explain what I want to say properly but I hope you understand to an extent.

Ariesagain

I think we all have an enduring image of people we love, that this person is this way and we tend to ignore minor little flaws that don't match up because hey, we love them.

It's when the behavior starts being completely antithetical to that mental image that the cognitive dissonance makes us crazy. We deny, we excuse, we ignore, we attempt to fix their behavior, we attempt to convince ourselves that we don't really need trust, or decency, or honesty or other basic relationship stuff...on and on.

It's a process coming to terms with it all and it's harder because they can, as you say, seem so normal at times that it makes us doubt our own eyes and ears.

Be gentle with yourself.

Ituvia

One AA member once said, "They push loved ones away when they are about to hit bottom". Do you think it's true?

dandylion

Ituvia.....Ituvia, what Ariesagain says does make perfect sense...because it is objectively, so true.
But, in addition, there is the emotional part of this experience that cannot be denied.....you are still in the early part of grieving the loss of your dreams for the two of you as a couple...a dream which you put your total self into.....
Actually, you keep getting slammed back to square one due to you intermittent reinforcement by your contacts with him (both directly and indirectly).....
Grieving hurts in a way that is even difficult to explain by mere words....
There is no way to get through it, except to go through it....until you emerge from the other side....
We have talked, extensively about ways to make that journey through the grief easier and successful....and, they work, and make living bearable, if they are applied......
And, also, the necessity of getting an experienced person to help guide you through this process..
It would help, I think, if you would discuss these helping techniques with the members of this board...because there is a wealth of experience, collectively, on this board...

****I suggest that you plan something to do on your birthday to keep yourself busy and engaged with other people for the day...as, it will help keep your disappointment to a minimum.....

***Also, not to forget that alcoholism is not his only issue...not the only way he is messed up....those issues come into play, with him, also....

Ariesagain

No.

There are posters here who did the "go away, come here" dance with their qualifiers for decades...no bottom in sight, at least not for the alcoholic.

I'm sorry...I feel like I keep dumping ice water on your dreams but I just look back and wish there had been someone there to tell me then what I know now.

FallenAngelina

There's actually no such thing as "bottom" - as in, no place awaiting anyone to hit so that they can bounce back up. There is just a point at which a person decides he/she wants to change. It looks like "bottom" because things are often pretty bad and that person was inspired by all of the bad, but a person can decide to change at any point. So don't be thinking that this is a sign that he will soon start turning himself around. There is no magical point awaiting him called "bottom" after which things will get better. For many addicts, there is no "bottom" and the addiction just keeps going on and on and on. For some addicts, life doesn't get horrendous but they still opt for recovery. Hoping for or waiting for "bottom" can be a very long wait indeed.

SparkleKitty

Maybe? Sometimes?

Do I think it's a foundation upon which to base your hope for a renewed relationship? No, sweetie, I don't. Not even a little.

AnvilheadII

i never heard that statement and i've been around AA and in meetings for decades. usually by the time an addict is at the "surrender" stage, there aren't a whole lotta folks left TO push away.

you are grasping desperately to hold onto something that is already gone.

remember how you said you kicked him out so HE could go get better?

what are YOU doing to get better? are YOU making any progress?

atalose

Endings are hard and no matter who said what or who did what when it’s over it’s over. Alcoholic or none alcoholic when a relationship has come to it’s end that’s it.

You were a chapter in his book but he’s become your whole book. What’s your therapist saying about you holding onto hope and not working on letting go?

Ituvia

After hearing all that I wanted to say, my therapist says whatever he has done shows who he is and that he has some personality problems. He also said I am exhibiting symptoms of Stockholm syndrome because I keep defending him. I found it quite unethical that my T said, even if he comes back, I shouldn't go back. They are not supposed to say these things, no?

Ariesagain

So...if your therapist said you should take him back, would you still think it was unethical?

Ituvia

I don't know but aren't they not supposed to give advice like that?

SparkleKitty

I had a similar experience when I was dating an A, my long time therapist told me all I was really doing was making sure that I was unavailable when someone healthy came along.

I got angry at her, too, like she was breaking some code. But the fact is, she was 100% right, and it was HER voice in my head that finally was able to HEAR, months later, when my XABF had gone back to drinking after promising to stop again, and that is when I finally understood he wasn't gong to magically change into a another person just because I wanted him to. It was her words that gave me the push to get out of a terrible situation.

Be mad at your T, if you like, but examine why you're mad. It isn't your T's job to coddle you, and occasionally they're going to tell you something you don't want to hear, but need to.

Casseopia

I have found this thread really helpful as I still have moments (18 months down the line) where I find it hard to let go.

There is some tough love in this thread Ituvia but we need to hear it. These are people who have been through it and are trying to save us from further pain.

I had that exact drama in my own head about a birthday message last year - I didn't get mine and had a go at him about it. Pathetic when I think back and it got me precisely nowhere apart from taking the shine off my birthday.

It's hard, almost impossible some days, but we deserve better than this. As our confidence and self-esteem grows, so will our need for a few crumbs from someone who is too ill to love us in the way we deserve.

Keep looking forward. And to quote Winston Churchill: If you're going through hell, keep going.

Hugs to you.