Progress and backslide
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I,
I know it's hard to hear what the therapist is telling you, especially when you don't agree. I had a therapist and she was so tough, she never minced words. But she knew what was going on and what I had endured for 30 something years. She knew that every one "coddled" me and look where I was, a train wreck. (They knew that I loved him, blah, blah, blah)
She put it out there and showed me what I needed to truly see. It took a lot of time and work on me, which is hard. I didn't fight her and call her unethical, I just finally stopped talking, listened and surrendered. I knew that my life was horrendous, and I wasnt doing things right. I tried something different and it finally "clicked".
I look back to what a "pathetic" person I was, and am so grateful that she wasn't afraid to tell me what she thought. I might be still stuck today if she didn't hold my hand and walk me through the fire. All I can say is keep and "open" mind and don't be so defensive if someone tells you that he really isn't a good guy, because you know down deep, he really isnt a good guy. He's an addict!!
Hugs my friend, it takes a long time to get your sea legs, and you are doing great.
I know it's hard to hear what the therapist is telling you, especially when you don't agree. I had a therapist and she was so tough, she never minced words. But she knew what was going on and what I had endured for 30 something years. She knew that every one "coddled" me and look where I was, a train wreck. (They knew that I loved him, blah, blah, blah)
She put it out there and showed me what I needed to truly see. It took a lot of time and work on me, which is hard. I didn't fight her and call her unethical, I just finally stopped talking, listened and surrendered. I knew that my life was horrendous, and I wasnt doing things right. I tried something different and it finally "clicked".
I look back to what a "pathetic" person I was, and am so grateful that she wasn't afraid to tell me what she thought. I might be still stuck today if she didn't hold my hand and walk me through the fire. All I can say is keep and "open" mind and don't be so defensive if someone tells you that he really isn't a good guy, because you know down deep, he really isnt a good guy. He's an addict!!
Hugs my friend, it takes a long time to get your sea legs, and you are doing great.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Even after my T telling me that A exhibits personality issues and whatnot, I felt like alcohol was a major factor.
The simplistic thought process is to just remove the booze/drugs and they will be great wonderful happy people once they get past all that detox stuff and are no longer drinking or drugging but it is so much more complex then that.
Have you done any research on stockholm syndrome yet? How about any further reading on codependency?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think at some point you will have to accept that he had STUFF and you had STUFF and over time there was just TOO MUCH stuff, and so the relationship came to it's natural conclusion. that's how it goes, ALL THE TIME. even couples that have good relationships decide to call things off.
if you could shift your focus from HIM, to why you ARE struggling so hard to accept WHAT IS and LET GO, you'd probably get a lot more benefit and actually gain some insight.
if you could shift your focus from HIM, to why you ARE struggling so hard to accept WHAT IS and LET GO, you'd probably get a lot more benefit and actually gain some insight.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i recall you mentioned you struck your ex during an argument. have you had other incidence or outbursts? before - during - after? it is important to learn about your own anger and healthy ways to deal with/release it.
anger is also a part of the grief cycle. if you are used to keeping your bad feelings bottled up, it will be hard to fully process. have you read The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner? it's available in print and audiobook.
anger is also a part of the grief cycle. if you are used to keeping your bad feelings bottled up, it will be hard to fully process. have you read The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner? it's available in print and audiobook.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
No, I haven't had any before the relationship or after. I have anger issues which is usually yelling and then my BP going up. I have discussed this with my T and he mentioned that we will be discussing that in depth in the coming sessions. I will look into the book too now.
Side note: I asked my T when I entered his office how he was doing and he burst into laughing and said it's nice to have someone ask HIM that question and this is the first time in 30 years that someone had asked him that. We had a good laugh about it.
Side note: I asked my T when I entered his office how he was doing and he burst into laughing and said it's nice to have someone ask HIM that question and this is the first time in 30 years that someone had asked him that. We had a good laugh about it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I don't have a proper device to listen the audiobooks and I don't have a long commute to work. Once I am back from work, it's feed, walk and eat my food, take my meds and watch some shows. I really like reading a book and would even be ok with PDFs. I have a kindle.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Are you unable to purchase the Kindle version on Amazon in your country? It looks like Google Play also has the ebook version, though I'm less familiar with how that works. There's also a version available on ebooks.com.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I got a call from him on my landline at 2.45 AM last night. He wished me belated birthday wishes and asked me about my eviction notice which is on papers. The Army folks in my apartment complex harassed and sent an eviction notice for walking my dogs on the lawn. He asked how I am going to manage, I said I am getting a lawyer. He asked about the dogs and if they were sleeping. And then said take care and hung up.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by Ituvia 
I got a call from him on my landline at 2.45 AM last night. He wished me belated birthday wishes and asked me about my eviction notice which is on papers. The Army folks in my apartment complex harassed and sent an eviction notice for walking my dogs on the lawn. He asked how I am going to manage, I said I am getting a lawyer. He asked about the dogs and if they were sleeping. And then said take care and hung up.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
It was on my landline phone, I thought it was my dad calling about my grandma or something along those lines. There was so much silence from both our ends. I just couldn't figure out it was him even though he said "It's me". I was like It's me, who? Silence. He said, "belated birthday wishes" and then silence. He then said "What are you going to do about the eviction notice" and I said I am lawyering up. Silence. He said are the kids asleep? I said yes. He then said, nothing will happen to them right? I said no. that's it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you have NO idea of his true state - there is no earthly reason for him to call the house in the middle of the night. it was rude and inconsiderate at the very least. more like drunk dialing. or drug dialing. possibly sniffing around to see if you planned to come after him regarding the eviction.........sorry that was in the papers.
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