Sunkeeper

Thankyou for posting this. I am new as well and asked myself the same thing. Are there people who still live with there active alcoholic who use the steps to live happier lives even though there partner still drinks? Of course I want and hope my AH will one day take the steps to put the bottle down for good, but what if he doesnt? Can I stay, have other people stayed and made it work? Life if full of ups and downs, happy times and sad times even without alcoholism as a part of there lives. Can you truly detach from the alcoholic but still love and be with the person behind the booze?

PhoenixJ

Welcome-al-anon.? Your wife will need to deal with her stuff herself- you are not her dad. Keep posting- support and empathy to you both.

FeelingGreat

Many of the posters state they still love the A, but they also see that living with them is destroying both of them. They choose to detach by leaving.

IMO detaching is not a long-term strategy for most of the people who come here because their lives are so heavily impacted by living with an A.

honeypig

Certainly there are people who've chosen to stay. I think the important thing to remember, though, is that alcoholism is progressive. The "person behind the booze" will fade away as time passes, and the good times become fewer and farther between. Have you looked at HeartbrokenGuy's thread, about his fiance who just recently drank herself to death? Do you really want a front row seat to this kind of thing? I don't recall if you have children or not, SK, but if so, that is another huge reason to get out--take a look at the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" forum if you want to know why.

As others have said, you don't need to decide right now to leave. Just keep on learning about alcoholism. I'm glad to see you posting on another thread besides your own. It will help you see that your situation and your A are not unique, and while miracles can happen out of the blue, it's not really a workable life plan to just put everything on hold and hope for one....

ETA: FeelingGreat's post says a lot in those few lines. Detachment is not some magic shield that keeps you from seeing/feeling/being affected by the A.

dandylion

Sunkeeper....yes, some people do stay. You will see some of them in alanon.
I think it comes down to an individual decision.....each person has to decide what they want and what they can tolerate.
There are, also, some on this forum who have chosen to stay....

FallenAngelina

I don't live with, but am still very much involved with my alcoholic BF and just want to echo the encouragement about Al-Anon. Al-Anon is not about getting away from the alcoholic, but about focusing on making a peaceful and successful life for yourself, no matter who or what. Al-Anon is about not holding anyone else accountable for your happiness, even an active alcoholic. Before I attended meetings, I also had the misconception that there would be pressure for me to "throw in the towel" on my BF, but I've found an amazing community of people who are loving, accepting - many of whom have the alcoholic very much in their lives, like me. Al-Anon is not about getting away from anyone, it's about finding you.

COYS41, everyone at first thinks that their situation is unique and especially challenging and many people at first think that they have to get someone else to see the light before things will get better. Al-Anon and this forum address this and give us an arena in which to explore the many ways that we, ourselves, have tremendous ability to affect positive change in the world we experience - change that is never dependent on anyone else's behavior or realizations. We don't have to wait for other enablers to change. We don't have to wait for the alcoholic to see any light at all. We can affect beautiful, productive, life enhancing change all under our own steam. That change does not necessitate rejecting the alcoholic at all, but it does require our willingness to recognize that our life is never set in stone, never at the mercy of other people's behavior and is all about our own perspective, which can change in some amazingly positive ways.

dandylion

Sunkeeper...it is about your own personal development, personal validation and support for yourself.....It is about understanding yourself, and learning to deal with your own wants/needs.....
It is not about the alcoholic, at all...even though it is for those who have had their life impacted by an alcoholic, in some way, at some time....
I think that is what is so confusing, to many people in the beginning......

LOl...you will get it....just hang in.....

The things that you experience and learn, can, also, be applied to your whole life, in general....

FallenAngelina

Perhaps it's helpful to know that when you start down the recovery road, it's a journey of self discovery for you. This is my experience, anyway. I did not grow up in an alcoholic home, but as I am coming to see, I have quite a bit in my past that is indeed close to this scenario, as you say, even though alcohol was not involved. I did not choose an alcoholic out of the blue. I find, as someone who loves an alcoholic, that I need to look at what I bring to the situation. The recovery path can be just as much a learning opportunity for us, the people who gravitate toward and love an alcoholic.

As to your question, I know several couples who are still together, but each is in his/her own recovery process. Your recovery is just as important as hers.

mylifeismine

I see it at this point in my recovery as a question to myself -
that if I desire and persue a certain level of honesty and
healthy relationships thru my personal development - what
happens if the A in my life is not - or isn't capable? It's
impossible to "unlearn" healthy behaviors & attitudes &
not want to reap the joys and benefits of one's very hard
earned progress, and tolerate the insanity of alcoholism.
Unhealthy behaviors will never lead to healthy relation-
ships. Never.

I think it's why although I have met some longtimers in alanon
who are still with their A's (not permanently recovered/sober)
there is a sense of resignation and lack of real respect or love and
admiration for their A's but the time for change has passed
for them. Very sad, but I see it.

honeypig

I think mylifeismine hit the nail on the head. As other members here have said in other threads, once you begin to see the reality of the situation, you can't then UN-see it.

At the risk of sounding flip, which is not my intent, it's kind of like when you've made a commitment to get physically healthier by changing your eating habits and exercising. At first it's really tough--you're forcing yourself to cook a decent dinner at home instead of grabbing fast food, you're having a hard time getting out of bed in the AM to go for a walk instead of sleeping in. As time goes by, though, and you start to feel and look better as a result of your new habits, you find you really don't want that cheap, greasy burger and fries, you really don't want to stay up too late so you feel like crap in the AM. You realize that when you make the choices you used to make, you just don't feel as good as you do when you make the new choices. And slowly the appeal of those choices, or at least of the results of those choices, fades away.

It works the same way in relationships, and I'm not talking only about a spouse/partner type of relationship; I mean in every relationship--family members, friends, co-workers, boss.

dandylion

I agree that once you see something that you have been in denial about....it is impossible to un-see it.
I know, because, I have tried...with no success....

FeelingGreat

Although there are many great posts here about the personal and spiritual journey of spouses please also consider the economic aspects of staying with an A.

Maybe they have a great job, at first, but in time the job goes, the DUIs build up, the money is spent, spending gets out of control, health bills mount. If you decide to stick it out, do it with your eyes open for your financial welfare. If you have your own money, treat it as your life raft.

Nero427

Lots of great advice by the good folks who helped me through my own situation!
And I chose the Satisfactory Ending you described. But it took me 8 years to get to that point. I'm in a happy normal relationship and I'm working on the grieving period and rebuilding myself. And believe me, the latter two has taken a lot longer than I thought they would.

COYS41

Just caught up from being away a few days. I agree that everyone thinks their situation is unique and, in a lot of ways, are. However, the "nuts and bolts" of the situations seem to be pretty consistent throughout this forum, you just have to see it for yourself and it may take awhile especially it you don't want to see it.

My wife and I have had minimal communication in the week and a half since our "talk" where I called her out on all the lies I have discovered, she is staying at her parents. I have confirmed that she has been to the bar more days than not within that period and she even went up to her old college town where she used to teach and stayed the night. This is a place where they would start drinking at noon and be passed out by 6. Also a place where she was allegedly raped and sexually assaulted multiple times while she was blacked out over the years. It was not a fun weekend for me knowing that she was up there without a wedding ring on and a willingness to discuss her unhappiness about our marriage situation to whomever will listen.

I'm struggling with deciphering what is/was true about everything she has told me within the past year and a half. Kicking myself for being so blind to reality and trying to decide if there is a way I can ever trust her again.

Positive steps: I am attending my 3rd therapy session this Friday and have plans to attend my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night.

LexieCat

I'm glad you're taking good care of yourself.

Just one thing--try to avoid thinking about her being "allegedly" raped and sexually assaulted. Alcohol- and drug-facilitated sexual assault is very real. Someone who is alcoholic and experiences blackouts are often targeted for assault. It is never the victim's fault. And it IS rape if the person is sufficiently impaired that they lack the ability to consent.

So whatever her other failings, try to keep that out of your discussions with her. I understand your suspicions that her claims are a cover for her cheating on you, but unless you have evidence of that (apart from your own skepticism), I would take her at her word on that.

COYS41

I understand where you are coming from completely, let me explain why I say that...

My wife has initiated being physical with me while we both have been drinking, this is before I realized how much of a problem she has and she is the one that takes command during the process. This happen twice where she woke up the next day and either had to ask me if we were intimate or doesn't remember being intimate when I mention something about it. I had to make the decision to no longer become intimate with my wife if she had any alcohol.

So did I sexually assault my wife? It is something I am not comfortable with, which is why I made the decision awhile ago not to engage when alcohol has been present, which is very often.

LexieCat

That's kind of iffy territory, and I'm a legal expert on it, lol. Personally, I think the fact that once you REALIZED how intoxicated she was, you avoided those situations, indicates you are not someone who takes advantage of the situation. In a hypothetical trial situation, it would be evidence you did not intend to have sex with someone unable to consent. It's also much different for a stranger or a casual acquaintance to assume someone intoxicated is able to consent.

These are difficult situations, no doubt about it, but if more men behaved as you do there would be many fewer victims.

COYS41

It gets really slippery when both are intoxicated, which is most likely the scenario I was referring to in my post a few up. I would never accuse my wife of lying about being raped, especially with her past. However, the thoughts do creep in about similar situations to mine that could have taken place up there and she claimed rape.

It's not the main issue, I just wanted to defend myself since it did come across as insensitive. Regardless, it comes down to the abuse of alcohol that are responsible for negative situations.

LexieCat

I don't know if I'd go so far as to say intoxication is "responsible," but it certainly is a contributing factor. A lot of crimes are committed when one/both of the parties are intoxicated.

One highly respected authority says that if drugs were tools (or weapons), alcohol would be a sledgehammer.

COYS41

Went to my first Al-anon meeting last night. I don't think I got the true experience. There were just 2 other people that showed up, including the leader of the meeting. It was very awkward. There is a beginners meeting this Sunday that I am going to try and make and hopefully have a different experience.