Satisfactory endings
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Satisfactory endings
Brand new to this forum as I just happen to stumble upon it. I have been reading through everything for about a day now and am curious if there is a thread or area that has positive/satisfactory endings where the couple stay together and are able to work through everything as an unit?
Short backstory, I have been married for 6 months, dating for a year and dated previously 6 years ago and have slowly started to realize that my wife is an alcoholic. I was blinded by many factors up until now and am kicking myself for not realizing it sooner. My wife has had to deal with a lot of terrible things in here life and seems to have chosen alcohol as her crutch instead of seeking the necessary help to mentally deal with these negative experiences. I have recently discovered how she is created an entire world of lying to try and justify her actions.
Some of these stories I have read on here have hit really close to home and have been eye-opening and they all seem to end with the non-alcoholic person realizing they finally need to leave, grieving period, rebuilding themselves and finding true happiness in a normal relationship.
Short backstory, I have been married for 6 months, dating for a year and dated previously 6 years ago and have slowly started to realize that my wife is an alcoholic. I was blinded by many factors up until now and am kicking myself for not realizing it sooner. My wife has had to deal with a lot of terrible things in here life and seems to have chosen alcohol as her crutch instead of seeking the necessary help to mentally deal with these negative experiences. I have recently discovered how she is created an entire world of lying to try and justify her actions.
Some of these stories I have read on here have hit really close to home and have been eye-opening and they all seem to end with the non-alcoholic person realizing they finally need to leave, grieving period, rebuilding themselves and finding true happiness in a normal relationship.
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COY-
Welcome! You will find a wealth of information here along with many kind souls. I am still married but I have to preface that by saying, ONLY because my husband finally sought recovery. I hit MY bottom and refused to live that way anymore. My RAH and I lived apart for several months. Have you considered going to Al-Anon? It has been my life line while dealing with active alcoholism and also now.
Jaeger
Welcome! You will find a wealth of information here along with many kind souls. I am still married but I have to preface that by saying, ONLY because my husband finally sought recovery. I hit MY bottom and refused to live that way anymore. My RAH and I lived apart for several months. Have you considered going to Al-Anon? It has been my life line while dealing with active alcoholism and also now.
Jaeger
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Originally Posted by Jaeger 
COY-
Welcome! You will find a wealth of information here along with many kind souls. I am still married but I have to preface that by saying, ONLY because my husband finally sought recovery. I hit MY bottom and refused to live that way anymore. My RAH and I lived apart for several months. Have you considered going to Al-Anon? It has been my life line while dealing with active alcoholism and also now.
Jaeger
Welcome! You will find a wealth of information here along with many kind souls. I am still married but I have to preface that by saying, ONLY because my husband finally sought recovery. I hit MY bottom and refused to live that way anymore. My RAH and I lived apart for several months. Have you considered going to Al-Anon? It has been my life line while dealing with active alcoholism and also now.
Jaeger
I am currently struggling with making her family realize what I already have. Her mother is her enabler...picks her up at bars, lets her stay over there whenever she wants (in fact, welcomes it because her husband is struggling with early onset Alzheimers), gives her money and pays her credit card...her mother has apparently done this for decades. I know if her family does not get on board then there is no hope for her to realize her issues. At which point I will have to make the decision to "throw in the towel" so to speak. I know nothing positive is ever going to happen with such a strong enabler on her side.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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My story is still unfolding. I do not know what the ending will be. But after 14yrs, I asked my AH to move out. Nearly a month ago. We are not speaking except regarding the children. I know he is seeking counseling and is in a Celebrate Recovery program. My personal opinion is CR is not an intense program like AA and so my AH still is not admitting to the truth of his addiction. But him going to CR is something he has never done before. He is not making false promises. I think he might be trying to face some of his issues bc I think being away from us for nearly a month and realizing I hit my bottom with him has let him realize I am serious about no longer putting up with the destructive nature his drinking causes. But I will not let my guard down. I am being strong and I will protect my children from further damage caused by his drinking. I do know from reading on here and in books that a year minimum of intense help/therapy and sobriety is necessary to see any real changes in an angry alcoholic man. I know the odds are not good.
I am learning new things daily from reading post here on SR. You have found a great place to seek stories of others that have dealt with what you are going thru or are going thru it currently.
I do know that our home is refreshingly peaceful right now. We are not walking on eggshells. We don't scramble to hide when we hear anyone pulling in the driveway or opening the door.
I am learning new things daily from reading post here on SR. You have found a great place to seek stories of others that have dealt with what you are going thru or are going thru it currently.
I do know that our home is refreshingly peaceful right now. We are not walking on eggshells. We don't scramble to hide when we hear anyone pulling in the driveway or opening the door.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Originally Posted by COYS41
Al-Anon meetings are the next step but for some reason I feel like she needs to realize that she has a problem before I start attending.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
COYS....just for the record....Letting go of a destructive situation is not the same thing as "Throwing in the towel" or "Giving up".....
It is "Letting go".....very different thing...
It is "Letting go".....very different thing...
I'm finding difficulty in figuring out when enough is enough. This woman is the love of my life and it pains me to see her struggling with this knowing that I can't do anything for her. I know she has to be the one to want to help herself. At what point do I have to choose myself over the woman I chose to marry and to be there in sickness and health?
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You are taking some great first steps in trying to find out what your rock bottom will be. I know if I would have found this forum a few years ago, I would not have been ready to make the tough decisions I am currently making. I wasn't ready to fully accept the destructive nature of alcoholism. Unfortunately my precious children have suffered bc of this. But we are getting therapy and working on healing our hurts. You will find many on here that go back and forth with their alcoholic loved one.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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You don't have to decide anything immediately. (Oh, and welcome, BTW).
My first husband got sober the year before we got married. We had been a couple for three years before that, and I had gotten to the point where I told him I needed a break from the relationship. Before that, he had been to one AA meeting but insisted he could deal with his drinking on his own. During our brief "break," he went back to AA and never picked up another drink. He has now been sober 37 years. We eventually divorced for reasons that had nothing to do with alcoholism (or even any bad behavior on his part--he was really a great husband, I just didn't feel that I belonged in that marriage any longer). We had two great kids, co-parented successfully, and we are still good friends to this day.
So yes , I would consider that a success story in terms of the relationship surviving.
Al-Anon is helpful to anyone affected by someone else's drinking, so I definitely recommend it.
Let me ask you this, what does she say about her drinking? Does she see it as a problem? Has she expressed any desire to quit?
My first husband got sober the year before we got married. We had been a couple for three years before that, and I had gotten to the point where I told him I needed a break from the relationship. Before that, he had been to one AA meeting but insisted he could deal with his drinking on his own. During our brief "break," he went back to AA and never picked up another drink. He has now been sober 37 years. We eventually divorced for reasons that had nothing to do with alcoholism (or even any bad behavior on his part--he was really a great husband, I just didn't feel that I belonged in that marriage any longer). We had two great kids, co-parented successfully, and we are still good friends to this day.
So yes , I would consider that a success story in terms of the relationship surviving.
Al-Anon is helpful to anyone affected by someone else's drinking, so I definitely recommend it.
Let me ask you this, what does she say about her drinking? Does she see it as a problem? Has she expressed any desire to quit?
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Originally Posted by abbccj03
My story is still unfolding. I do not know what the ending will be. But after 14yrs, I asked my AH to move out. Nearly a month ago. We are not speaking except regarding the children. I know he is seeking counseling and is in a Celebrate Recovery program. My personal opinion is CR is not an intense program like AA and so my AH still is not admitting to the truth of his addiction. But him going to CR is something he has never done before. He is not making false promises. I think he might be trying to face some of his issues bc I think being away from us for nearly a month and realizing I hit my bottom with him has let him realize I am serious about no longer putting up with the destructive nature his drinking causes. But I will not let my guard down. I am being strong and I will protect my children from further damage caused by his drinking. I do know from reading on here and in books that a year minimum of intense help/therapy and sobriety is necessary to see any real changes in an angry alcoholic man. I know the odds are not good.
I am learning new things daily from reading post here on SR. You have found a great place to seek stories of others that have dealt with what you are going thru or are going thru it currently.
I do know that our home is refreshingly peaceful right now. We are not walking on eggshells. We don't scramble to hide when we hear anyone pulling in the driveway or opening the door.
I am learning new things daily from reading post here on SR. You have found a great place to seek stories of others that have dealt with what you are going thru or are going thru it currently.
I do know that our home is refreshingly peaceful right now. We are not walking on eggshells. We don't scramble to hide when we hear anyone pulling in the driveway or opening the door.
My situation is a little unique as she has chosen to run to her parents and hasn't really lived in our apartment for over a month now. We have no kids, which means the only connection is our love for one another. And I worry that is not enough to bring about change if she has such strong enablers to lean on.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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COY,
I'm new to reaching out myself. I am working very hard to understand this disease and save my marriage. With many conflicting emotions, I started here. Everyone has been extremely supportive and suggested I try Al-Anon. I went to my first meeting yesterday. At first I was extremely nervous, but as the meeting progressed I felt not so alone. It seemed that the people in the group were at different places in their journey. I'm grateful to the members of SR for suggesting that I try a few different meetings and to give it time, that the right Al-Anon group for me was out there.
I'm new to reaching out myself. I am working very hard to understand this disease and save my marriage. With many conflicting emotions, I started here. Everyone has been extremely supportive and suggested I try Al-Anon. I went to my first meeting yesterday. At first I was extremely nervous, but as the meeting progressed I felt not so alone. It seemed that the people in the group were at different places in their journey. I'm grateful to the members of SR for suggesting that I try a few different meetings and to give it time, that the right Al-Anon group for me was out there.
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COYS....the way I look at it is this....that vow is meant to be a mutual contract.
An active addict cannot/will not honor that contract, as they can never really be there for you....to help you thrive through life....In fact, they aren't even able to be there for themselves....they will, eventually, destroy themselves (unless committing to true recovery) as well as those who are the closest to them.....
I believe that every person is entitled to self preservation....all living things are.. are....
I, also, don't think that a person has to honor a broken contract...or a broken mutual promise...
It is a real sticky wicket that abuse and addictions are two things that turn everything that we learned about how to behave in relationships, topsy turvy....
Those "rules" were meant for healthy, normal relationships......they don't work in relationships organized around someone's addiction.....
An active addict cannot/will not honor that contract, as they can never really be there for you....to help you thrive through life....In fact, they aren't even able to be there for themselves....they will, eventually, destroy themselves (unless committing to true recovery) as well as those who are the closest to them.....
I believe that every person is entitled to self preservation....all living things are.. are....
I, also, don't think that a person has to honor a broken contract...or a broken mutual promise...
It is a real sticky wicket that abuse and addictions are two things that turn everything that we learned about how to behave in relationships, topsy turvy....
Those "rules" were meant for healthy, normal relationships......they don't work in relationships organized around someone's addiction.....
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We have no kids, which means the only connection is our love for one another. And I worry that is not enough to bring about change if she has such strong enablers to lean on.
Those of us that have left--we didn't do it b/c we didn't love our A enough. Those of us that have been left--it wasn't b/c we didn't love our A enough. Our children and our parents aren't A's b/c we didn't or don't love them enough. Love can't cure addiction.
I would second those who say to look into Alanon now rather than waiting for AW to admit she has a problem. Why not get started w/your own recovery? Just as hers can't/won't depend on you, yours can't/shouldn't depend on hers.
ETA: I think it might be helpful to try to realize that a "satisfactory ending" is not limited to one where the couple ride off into the sunset together. "Satisfactory" can come in many shapes, sizes, flavors and colors. Please try to keep an open mind on that...
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
You don't have to decide anything immediately. (Oh, and welcome, BTW).
My first husband got sober the year before we got married. We had been a couple for three years before that, and I had gotten to the point where I told him I needed a break from the relationship. Before that, he had been to one AA meeting but insisted he could deal with his drinking on his own. During our brief "break," he went back to AA and never picked up another drink. He has now been sober 37 years. We eventually divorced for reasons that had nothing to do with alcoholism (or even any bad behavior on his part--he was really a great husband, I just didn't feel that I belonged in that marriage any longer). We had two great kids, co-parented successfully, and we are still good friends to this day.
So yes , I would consider that a success story in terms of the relationship surviving.
Al-Anon is helpful to anyone affected by someone else's drinking, so I definitely recommend it.
Let me ask you this, what does she say about her drinking? Does she see it as a problem? Has she expressed any desire to quit?
My first husband got sober the year before we got married. We had been a couple for three years before that, and I had gotten to the point where I told him I needed a break from the relationship. Before that, he had been to one AA meeting but insisted he could deal with his drinking on his own. During our brief "break," he went back to AA and never picked up another drink. He has now been sober 37 years. We eventually divorced for reasons that had nothing to do with alcoholism (or even any bad behavior on his part--he was really a great husband, I just didn't feel that I belonged in that marriage any longer). We had two great kids, co-parented successfully, and we are still good friends to this day.
So yes , I would consider that a success story in terms of the relationship surviving.
Al-Anon is helpful to anyone affected by someone else's drinking, so I definitely recommend it.
Let me ask you this, what does she say about her drinking? Does she see it as a problem? Has she expressed any desire to quit?
There have been little glimpses where she admits that alcohol is her crutch. She actually suggested, sober, once that I start to attend Al-Anon meetings. The next day when I told her I looked into it, she berated me because "I was basically calling her an alcoholic."
She is dealing problems related sexual abuse, anorexia, bi-polar disorder, takes anti depressants, suffers horribly from chronic migraines and on top of all that her father was diagnosed 5 years ago with early onset Alzheimer's. Instead of facing everything or seeking proper help, she turns to alcohol as her release or escape.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
The sad truth is, we can't LOVE anyone else into sobriety. You'll often see it said here, if love was all it took, there'd be no need for AA, Alanon, this site, rehabs, or any of the other ways and means to access recovery.
Those of us that have left--we didn't do it b/c we didn't love our A enough. Those of us that have been left--it wasn't b/c we didn't love our A enough. Our children and our parents aren't A's b/c we didn't or don't love them enough. Love can't cure addiction.
I would second those who say to look into Alanon now rather than waiting for AW to admit she has a problem. Why not get started w/your own recovery? Just as hers can't/won't depend on you, yours can't/shouldn't depend on hers.
Those of us that have left--we didn't do it b/c we didn't love our A enough. Those of us that have been left--it wasn't b/c we didn't love our A enough. Our children and our parents aren't A's b/c we didn't or don't love them enough. Love can't cure addiction.
I would second those who say to look into Alanon now rather than waiting for AW to admit she has a problem. Why not get started w/your own recovery? Just as hers can't/won't depend on you, yours can't/shouldn't depend on hers.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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It's not her call to make whether you need help to cope with the effects of her drinking. You are welcome to tell her that Al-Anon is for that--it's about YOU, not her. And there's no requirement that a member's "qualifier" be an alcoholic.
The mental health issues do complicate things. Any medications (like the antidepressants) cannot work properly if she's drinking. Alcohol IS a depressant so it's likely to be aggravating that problem.
If she's open to discussion at some point, you could tell her that there are rehabs specifically designed to address both mental health and alcohol problems at the same time. Because failure to address either one will undermine the effectiveness of any treatment for the other.
Meantime, your best course of action is to take care of you. As I said, no need to make any immediate moves in terms of leaving (unless she is abusive/violent, which is a separate problem). Al-Anon, along with learning more about addiction and alcoholism, will help you clear your head so you will have a more realistic view of what you are dealing with. There are strategies like use of personal boundaries, and detachment, that can reduce the negative effects on you and help you avoid enabling her drinking.
The mental health issues do complicate things. Any medications (like the antidepressants) cannot work properly if she's drinking. Alcohol IS a depressant so it's likely to be aggravating that problem.
If she's open to discussion at some point, you could tell her that there are rehabs specifically designed to address both mental health and alcohol problems at the same time. Because failure to address either one will undermine the effectiveness of any treatment for the other.
Meantime, your best course of action is to take care of you. As I said, no need to make any immediate moves in terms of leaving (unless she is abusive/violent, which is a separate problem). Al-Anon, along with learning more about addiction and alcoholism, will help you clear your head so you will have a more realistic view of what you are dealing with. There are strategies like use of personal boundaries, and detachment, that can reduce the negative effects on you and help you avoid enabling her drinking.
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Some of these stories I have read on here have hit really close to home and have been eye-opening and they all seem to end with the non-alcoholic person realizing they finally need to leave, grieving period, rebuilding themselves and finding true happiness in a normal relationship
I am also in the left camp. We divorced after 20 years and 8 children but my exah had no intention of seeking sobriety and my ability to suck it up left me as he got progressively worse. He is still drinking and has died 3 times and had cpr due to his drinking. Nothing stops him. His enablers are his family who are also alcoholics. I think successfuls outcomes ( if that is your idea of one as we are all different in our interpretation of that) do exist but they are few and far between with many bumps in the road and relapses and set backs..
My sucessful outcome was breaking free with my two youngest sons. I live alone now and am happier than I have ever been and so are they.
I am also in the left camp. We divorced after 20 years and 8 children but my exah had no intention of seeking sobriety and my ability to suck it up left me as he got progressively worse. He is still drinking and has died 3 times and had cpr due to his drinking. Nothing stops him. His enablers are his family who are also alcoholics. I think successfuls outcomes ( if that is your idea of one as we are all different in our interpretation of that) do exist but they are few and far between with many bumps in the road and relapses and set backs..
My sucessful outcome was breaking free with my two youngest sons. I live alone now and am happier than I have ever been and so are they.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
Some of these stories I have read on here have hit really close to home and have been eye-opening and they all seem to end with the non-alcoholic person realizing they finally need to leave, grieving period, rebuilding themselves and finding true happiness in a normal relationship
I am also in the left camp. We divorced after 20 years and 8 children but my exah had no intention of seeking sobriety and my ability to suck it up left me as he got progressively worse. He is still drinking and has died 3 times and had cpr due to his drinking. Nothing stops him. His enablers are his family who are also alcoholics. I think successfuls outcomes ( if that is your idea of one as we are all different in our interpretation of that) do exist but they are few and far between with many bumps in the road and relapses and set backs..
My sucessful outcome was breaking free with my two youngest sons. I live alone now and am happier than I have ever been and so are they.
I am also in the left camp. We divorced after 20 years and 8 children but my exah had no intention of seeking sobriety and my ability to suck it up left me as he got progressively worse. He is still drinking and has died 3 times and had cpr due to his drinking. Nothing stops him. His enablers are his family who are also alcoholics. I think successfuls outcomes ( if that is your idea of one as we are all different in our interpretation of that) do exist but they are few and far between with many bumps in the road and relapses and set backs..
My sucessful outcome was breaking free with my two youngest sons. I live alone now and am happier than I have ever been and so are they.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad you found happiness for yourself and your children.
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Originally Posted by COYS41
Unfortunately these are the "success" stories I have been finding. Haven't found too many where the A seeks recovery and the SO stays the journey with them and both are content.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad you found happiness for yourself and your children.
Thank you for sharing and I am glad you found happiness for yourself and your children.
Unfortunately this very rarely happens.
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