Low Self Esteem
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Low Self Esteem
Are there any stickies or previous posts that I can look at regarding this topic?
I've been looking around this site and haven't found anything yet. Maybe this is a topic for me and my counselor.
I've been looking around this site and haven't found anything yet. Maybe this is a topic for me and my counselor.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I kinda think low self-esteem is a pretty pervasive thing when you're in (or just coming out of) an alcoholic relationship. IOW, I think it's something that tends to resolve as you work through your issues relating to that. It's usually not a separate problem, IOW, unless it's something you've struggled with your entire life.
My own self-esteem improved as I took good steps to take care of myself, and the other people/things I had neglected when I was focusing all my attention on the alcoholic.
My own self-esteem improved as I took good steps to take care of myself, and the other people/things I had neglected when I was focusing all my attention on the alcoholic.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Thanks Lexie
Today has been a very hard day for me.
I have been reflecting on our relationship. And I remember feeling so "lucky" that someone like her wanted to be with me. It didn't help that all my family and friends were like "she's way out of your league!, she's sooooo beautiful, how'd you get her" and her friends were like "oh, your dating him, ummmm he doesn't seem like your type, etc"
I felt like she was too good for me. And if she had her crap together she would have been.
Today has been a very hard day for me.
I have been reflecting on our relationship. And I remember feeling so "lucky" that someone like her wanted to be with me. It didn't help that all my family and friends were like "she's way out of your league!, she's sooooo beautiful, how'd you get her" and her friends were like "oh, your dating him, ummmm he doesn't seem like your type, etc"
I felt like she was too good for me. And if she had her crap together she would have been.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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HBG....If you at interested in the whole subject of self-esteem....the person who has written extensively on this subject is Nathaniel Branden.
He s well known in the field of psychology as an expert....
He has written lots of books over the decades and they are quite understandable for the layman.
You can get many of them on amazon.com.
He also writes about the dynamics of romantic love....(that is a great book)...
He s well known in the field of psychology as an expert....
He has written lots of books over the decades and they are quite understandable for the layman.
You can get many of them on amazon.com.
He also writes about the dynamics of romantic love....(that is a great book)...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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HBG...after your last post, I can see why you asked about "self esteem". I do think you might get value out of the above recommended books (Branden)...
You might, also, google "exchange theory of romantic attraction"...(just for giggles)....
to admire your partner for their many good and attractive qualities is a good thing....to think you aren't good enough---not so good.....
You might, also, google "exchange theory of romantic attraction"...(just for giggles)....
to admire your partner for their many good and attractive qualities is a good thing....to think you aren't good enough---not so good.....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Maybe if YOU had been healthier, YOU would not have been so bowled over by her beauty to the exclusion of the reality of her condition, right? This is not intended to pile on the things for you to feel bad about, but maybe being with her was a way to artificially boost your self-esteem. You were defining yourself to some extent by the desirability of your partner.
There are a whole bunch of layers to self-discovery as we work recovery. Some of the things we find are not so attractive. Other things that are awesome about us we may have neglected or swept under the rug as we focused all our attention on the alcoholic and the drama they bring along with them.
That's why working with a sponsor, in Al-Anon, or with a therapist, can be so helpful. It helps us look at things dispassionately and see reality--the good, the not-so-good; what we want to get rid of and what we want to nurture.
There are a whole bunch of layers to self-discovery as we work recovery. Some of the things we find are not so attractive. Other things that are awesome about us we may have neglected or swept under the rug as we focused all our attention on the alcoholic and the drama they bring along with them.
That's why working with a sponsor, in Al-Anon, or with a therapist, can be so helpful. It helps us look at things dispassionately and see reality--the good, the not-so-good; what we want to get rid of and what we want to nurture.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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well it would have made more sense if superposter DANDY hadn't got in the way!
You said: I felt like she was too good for me. And if she had her crap together she would have been.
And i was calling BS on that statement.
You said: I felt like she was too good for me. And if she had her crap together she would have been.
And i was calling BS on that statement.
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HBG...as a side note....Nathaniel Brandon's wife (one of them)...drowned in a swimming accident...and, he speaks about his grieving process, in one of his books...(I think it is in "The Dynamics of Romantic Love").
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Anvil speaks true, Guy. as do Lexie and dandy.
Read about it, learn about,it, talk over self esteem feelings with your counselor.
Often that little voice we hear that tells us we are less than, not enough, is plain wrong.
But we have to be strong enough to turn it off.
That takes time and the proper tools.
Peace.
Read about it, learn about,it, talk over self esteem feelings with your counselor.
Often that little voice we hear that tells us we are less than, not enough, is plain wrong.
But we have to be strong enough to turn it off.
That takes time and the proper tools.
Peace.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Thank you all.
I post here because I truly do want to learn and recover.
Feeling like I do right now is my rock bottom and I want what others have so I'm willing to do the work to get it.
Thanks as always for your insights
I post here because I truly do want to learn and recover.
Feeling like I do right now is my rock bottom and I want what others have so I'm willing to do the work to get it.
Thanks as always for your insights
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Originally Posted by HeartbrokenGuy 
Thank you all.
I post here because I truly do want to learn and recover.
Feeling like I do right now is my rock bottom and I want what others have so I'm willing to do the work to get it.
Thanks as always for your insights
I post here because I truly do want to learn and recover.
Feeling like I do right now is my rock bottom and I want what others have so I'm willing to do the work to get it.
Thanks as always for your insights
Your story is a reminder that addiction cuts both ways for women and men.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
I appreciate your posts HBG as there tend to be more women in FandF.
Your story is a reminder that addiction cuts both ways for women and men.
Your story is a reminder that addiction cuts both ways for women and men.
Call it pride, call it shame, call it stupidity. It has been very hard for me to seek help and I suffered in silence for a long time.
I was wrong to think that my problem was her drinking. I know that my problem was me and my thinking and it's why I'm still struggling now that she's gone
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i'm going to try and get this in quick before Dandy beats me to it again!
HBG i think it's a combination of all of the above, don't you? her drinking was no small issue and it perhaps forced some of your own issues to the surface. but ultimately you are right.....only one we can hope to fix is US. and we aren't without our dings and dents!
HBG i think it's a combination of all of the above, don't you? her drinking was no small issue and it perhaps forced some of your own issues to the surface. but ultimately you are right.....only one we can hope to fix is US. and we aren't without our dings and dents!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
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BHG,
Our hearts break for you.
Consider the importance of self-compassion in your healing
journey. It is a very necessary tool, healing can't happen
without it. Learning to turn off the negative talk and
edit it out with truth is vital to learn. Please be extra
kind to yourself
http://self-compassion.org/the-three...-compassion-2/
Our hearts break for you.
Consider the importance of self-compassion in your healing
journey. It is a very necessary tool, healing can't happen
without it. Learning to turn off the negative talk and
edit it out with truth is vital to learn. Please be extra
kind to yourself
http://self-compassion.org/the-three...-compassion-2/
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
What can I say, Anvil? (right now, I am sitting in the bushes, outside of your house).....
HBG...don't be too hard on yourself. You are human, and alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease...and h*** for anyone to live with....
And, remember that you are grieving....this is still so recent , and very raw, for you. Yes, you will heal, and it won't always feel this way...but, at this point in time, the pain is so bad that it really can be indescribable, at times....
I have been where you are....
Trust me...one day, the sun will come out again and you will laugh, again.....
HBG...don't be too hard on yourself. You are human, and alcoholism is a cunning and baffling disease...and h*** for anyone to live with....
And, remember that you are grieving....this is still so recent , and very raw, for you. Yes, you will heal, and it won't always feel this way...but, at this point in time, the pain is so bad that it really can be indescribable, at times....
I have been where you are....
Trust me...one day, the sun will come out again and you will laugh, again.....
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Thank you all for your support
For some reason today feels harder than the last couple were. I am still struggling with the thought of her being gone forever. And that i never get to hear her voice or see her face again.
Sorry for being so needy. Just not sure where else to voice how I'm feeling
For some reason today feels harder than the last couple were. I am still struggling with the thought of her being gone forever. And that i never get to hear her voice or see her face again.
Sorry for being so needy. Just not sure where else to voice how I'm feeling
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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HBG, I can't remember if I posted on your first thread or not, but I read it and I feel so sorry and sad for what has happened to you and her.
In your post above where you said she was out of your league, you sounded exactly like my boyfriend.
I am sober for 6 months but I have a long history of trauma and would say I am relatively troubled. My biggest fear is to let down my boyfriend, to relapse, to not ever get better and dragging him down with me. He's an alcoholic himself, sober for some years though. He stated at some occasions he fears he would drink again if I relapsed and I worry that this relationship is not good for him. That he is blinded by my good looks or whatever he sees in me. And that he thinks all of that is worth the risk.
When I first found out about my alcoholism I suggested a break so I could figure out myself and then start dating in a year or so again. He didn't want to cause he worries I wouldn't want to be with him then. He also worries that I will leave him as soon as I feel better.
Sorry for sharing all this here on your thread. What you said just really hit a nerve. I will do my best to not copy your fiancé. It's such a heartbreaking story.
Much empathy and support to you!
In your post above where you said she was out of your league, you sounded exactly like my boyfriend.
I am sober for 6 months but I have a long history of trauma and would say I am relatively troubled. My biggest fear is to let down my boyfriend, to relapse, to not ever get better and dragging him down with me. He's an alcoholic himself, sober for some years though. He stated at some occasions he fears he would drink again if I relapsed and I worry that this relationship is not good for him. That he is blinded by my good looks or whatever he sees in me. And that he thinks all of that is worth the risk.
When I first found out about my alcoholism I suggested a break so I could figure out myself and then start dating in a year or so again. He didn't want to cause he worries I wouldn't want to be with him then. He also worries that I will leave him as soon as I feel better.
Sorry for sharing all this here on your thread. What you said just really hit a nerve. I will do my best to not copy your fiancé. It's such a heartbreaking story.
Much empathy and support to you!
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