Beyond devastated!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Beyond devastated!
On Monday, my sister passed away due to an alcohol related accident. She has been struggling with her alcoholism for the past 5 or 6 years. Just last week, she told me " I know I need to quit again but I just don't have it in me right now." I simply told her "I love you and I will pray you find the strength soon." I really tried to never judge her. I knew she was in pain and I just tried to be supportive. With me, she would lay low when she was drinking! She would just go quiet for a week or two, and I would know what that meant.
She has 3 beautiful adult daughters. They were not speaking to her - not for the past several months.....which absolutely broke her heart. She couldn't understand as she had always been such a wonderful mother during their childhood years. (They agree wholeheartedly). It wasn't until after the youngest left home, several surgeries - one was a gastric bypass - that she started struggling with her addictions. They decided enough was enough and needed to protect themselves from her . Of course, I understand that BUT I am still struggling with that too. I guess I intellectually understand it but my emotions are a very different story. As she would put "I have always been there for all my children, I am sorry I am now struggling, but I did not raise them to abandon their own family." I know she died with a broken heart and that just shreds mine.
I will be flying out on Friday. The "celebration of life" will be Saturday the 15th, coincidentally what would be my wedding anniversary to my STBXAH - a day I would like to forget.
I am going to celebrate her life, her laugh and her amazing sense of humor. I want to be there for my nieces as they have all expressed their need for me to be there. I will not engage in any discussions that could end up in hard feelings but deep down I am angry with them. Right or wrong, I am and I have been.
I miss my sister so much already! My life will not be the same without her. I have had so many losses in the past few years, and this one has really pushed me over the edge.
Any thoughts are welcomed!
P.s. In addition to this devastating loss, I just lost an amazing friend in November. I had just spent two weeks at her beautiful vacation home in California and we had a wonderful time. I suspect alcohol was a contributing factor but the family is remaining quiet. Dear God, I hate addiction!!
She has 3 beautiful adult daughters. They were not speaking to her - not for the past several months.....which absolutely broke her heart. She couldn't understand as she had always been such a wonderful mother during their childhood years. (They agree wholeheartedly). It wasn't until after the youngest left home, several surgeries - one was a gastric bypass - that she started struggling with her addictions. They decided enough was enough and needed to protect themselves from her . Of course, I understand that BUT I am still struggling with that too. I guess I intellectually understand it but my emotions are a very different story. As she would put "I have always been there for all my children, I am sorry I am now struggling, but I did not raise them to abandon their own family." I know she died with a broken heart and that just shreds mine.
I will be flying out on Friday. The "celebration of life" will be Saturday the 15th, coincidentally what would be my wedding anniversary to my STBXAH - a day I would like to forget.
I am going to celebrate her life, her laugh and her amazing sense of humor. I want to be there for my nieces as they have all expressed their need for me to be there. I will not engage in any discussions that could end up in hard feelings but deep down I am angry with them. Right or wrong, I am and I have been.
I miss my sister so much already! My life will not be the same without her. I have had so many losses in the past few years, and this one has really pushed me over the edge.
Any thoughts are welcomed!
P.s. In addition to this devastating loss, I just lost an amazing friend in November. I had just spent two weeks at her beautiful vacation home in California and we had a wonderful time. I suspect alcohol was a contributing factor but the family is remaining quiet. Dear God, I hate addiction!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Member, I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved sister. 
It's so tragic. I'm sure your love and support were a tremendous comfort to her all her life. Her struggles and pain are over now.
I think you are very wise not to stir up bad feelings with your nieces. It sounds like they realize you're a loving aunt and sister. I expect they loved their mom a lot, in spite of their choices of the past few months.
Prayers for peace and healing and comfort for all of you.
It's so tragic. I'm sure your love and support were a tremendous comfort to her all her life. Her struggles and pain are over now.I think you are very wise not to stir up bad feelings with your nieces. It sounds like they realize you're a loving aunt and sister. I expect they loved their mom a lot, in spite of their choices of the past few months.
Prayers for peace and healing and comfort for all of you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Am sorry for your loss. With regard to your neices all I can say is 3 of my daughters won't have anything to do with me either and I wasn't the alcoholic. I have grandchildren I never seen and have missed out on weddings and graduations. I was a very loving, sober mum and they disowned me. Strangely they kept in contact with exah for longer but that has petered out now. I don't think you should be angry with them. I can see why they walked away, as I can with my own children. The whole thing is wearing and sad and pointless and sometimes it is all too much and adult children just want some normality and not spend their lives waiting for the next shoe to drop.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,673
Love me now- that sucks. My dad died (alcohol related illness) when I was in a coma (alcohol related) 19 months ago. I woke up in the same bed my bro died in 10 years ago in that ICU (alcohol). So I guess I can really say- I know it sucks. My empathy, compassion and support to you. Grief is deceptive and can be subtle and for me comes in waves. Please remember to look after yourself. Their is reminders of your ex, your sister- her family. BUT - you need to focus on yourself. To eat, hydrate, rest- share and cry.
Keep posting.
Keep posting.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((LMN))) Sweetie, I am so sorry for your pain and for your losses. You have been through so much on your own and this must be very hard to process and accept. 
As angry as you may feel toward her children, they are probably feeling even more angry at themselves right now, or will be soon. As you know, we each deal with our loved ones' addictions in a different way and each way brings its own pain.
God loves all His children, including His addicted ones, and your sister rests in peace today in a place where there is no more pain. Take comfort in that if you can.
My thoughts and prayers go with you, today and through the coming days. May you find your own peace just sharing your love with others who share your loss.
Love you lots, sending you big hugs and my best prayers.
A poem that brings me comfort, may it bring comfort to you too.
Say not in grief that she is no more
but say in thankfulness that she was
A death is not the extinguishing of a light,
but the putting out of the lamp
because the dawn has come.
- Tagore
As angry as you may feel toward her children, they are probably feeling even more angry at themselves right now, or will be soon. As you know, we each deal with our loved ones' addictions in a different way and each way brings its own pain.
God loves all His children, including His addicted ones, and your sister rests in peace today in a place where there is no more pain. Take comfort in that if you can.
My thoughts and prayers go with you, today and through the coming days. May you find your own peace just sharing your love with others who share your loss.
Love you lots, sending you big hugs and my best prayers.
A poem that brings me comfort, may it bring comfort to you too.
Say not in grief that she is no more
but say in thankfulness that she was
A death is not the extinguishing of a light,
but the putting out of the lamp
because the dawn has come.
- Tagore
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
LoveMeNow- Praying for comfort for you. I've seen sorta the same dynamic play out in my family two different times. After their loved ones death, they punished themselves enough for everyone. Maybe one day your nieces will seek recovery and see that their mother was a victim too. Take care of yourself friend!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 1,742
Dear Love,
You've had more than your fair share of loss over the recent past.
I am sorry to read of your sister's passing. It sounds like you loved her very much. Can you take comfort in knowing she felt your love through your loving thoughts and actions?
There is nothing anyone can say to relieve your pain. I know we would all do so if we had that power.
Are you someone who prays? If so, I truly believe there is comfort to be found in the power greater than ourselves.
Not only will you find comfort, but you will find the strength to act toward your nieces with the openhearted love you know your now-deceased sister would ask of you if she were still living.
Love and strength.
You've had more than your fair share of loss over the recent past.
I am sorry to read of your sister's passing. It sounds like you loved her very much. Can you take comfort in knowing she felt your love through your loving thoughts and actions?
There is nothing anyone can say to relieve your pain. I know we would all do so if we had that power.
Are you someone who prays? If so, I truly believe there is comfort to be found in the power greater than ourselves.
Not only will you find comfort, but you will find the strength to act toward your nieces with the openhearted love you know your now-deceased sister would ask of you if she were still living.
Love and strength.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sister. I'm sure her daughters are in pain, too. Death brings so many regrets, but I'm sure they weren't punishing your sister, they were protecting themselves.
I hope you are all able to focus on her many wonderful qualities.
Hugs and prayers for all of you.
I hope you are all able to focus on her many wonderful qualities.
Hugs and prayers for all of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am very sorry for your loss. As for you nieces, maybe their detaching felt like abandonment to your sister. I know many alcoholics feel abandoned when people pull away from them and stop enabling. When people no longer participate in the drama the alcoholic stirs up, it may feel like they are being abandoned. It is hard to know what transpired between her and her daughters as both sides have a different view of things. However, the common ground is that all of you need love and support, prayers and no judgements during this very difficult time.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so very sorry. I cannot imagine losing my sister.
As far as your nieces, I am sure they were loving her from afar. Sometimes you love someone but cannot have a relationship with them. Most addicts cannot wrap their minds around the damage they do to those who love them.
My heart and prayers are with you.
As far as your nieces, I am sure they were loving her from afar. Sometimes you love someone but cannot have a relationship with them. Most addicts cannot wrap their minds around the damage they do to those who love them.
My heart and prayers are with you.
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