Prepping between sober periods
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Prepping between sober periods
While I work through unhooking from my codependency, I am working harder than ever in preparing myself for the next relapse. (and yes, wouldn't it be nice if I never had to prepare for the rest of the my life ever again?? wouldn't life be so much better? I know the answer is yes...just taking some time for me in ungluing). As I posted before, my qualifier has not shown any signs of massive change since the last bender and since science and logic have a funny way of doing what they do, I am actively preparing for the when and not if.
I read a great piece from a RA recently on chronic relapse and he states exactly that which I've known and everyone knows, without massive change, relapse will happen. And if it does it means the qualifier wasn't working hard enough to stay sober. I know from everything I have seen recently that my qualifier is not ready to quit for good. Not only have I not seen anything remotely different in him (I think when ppl change in any way you notice at least SOMETHING...as he has been noticing with me even if he can't pin point it) , but I sense he is still avoiding the elephant in the room. Some old behaviors resurfaced this weekend when he went into a rage episode after seeing a photo of me at dinner with friends and my top was a little lower cut. He apologized after saying it was just his jealousy because he didn't want someone else to swoop in and get me, but it was definitely that DD behavior. He also sent me an article on moderation "management" (of course saying ' hey I'm not saying I agree but interesting stuff'). To me this is a screaming red flag that he hasn't yet committed to sobriety given the fact that he is openly fantasizing about moderation. A man who drinks perfume.
He can't actually say the words that he will never drink again yet. And honestly....I don't see the work. I asked him about AA and he seems indifferent and wants to see if there is something else now. The problem is, whether you do AA or something else, you must DO IT. His disease is too severe to do anything half-a$$ed. In fact I think this may also be a sign his disease is progressing because a year and a half ago he was actually speaking at events and giving leads and sponsoring. He had that excitement about it. It was quite literally his lifestyle and he was like a rockstar in the rooms. Something just changed and that same zeal is gone.
As for me, I want to get healthier and fit. So I am eating better and going to the gym almost everyday. I don't always want to, but I know if I don't I will not have the outcome I want so I just do it and now it's become just a habit and lifestyle. I love it. I am into it and it's making my mind stronger along with my body. I know have something outside of us I am committed to and enjoy spending time on. I will admit I felt myself slipping a little with him in these last several days - spending too much time together and not wearing my caution like I was before. Rolling back into the "Smarie he knows and loves and not that other angry person". Being overly-agreeable, not wanting to make waves...feeling the lovey dovey feelings again...that Codie me.
I need to get that anger back a little to prop me up when it happens again so I have the strength to let go when the inevitable roles back in.....I'm happy I have caught it so I can change back. Like when you catch yourself starting to reach for too many chips 
Progress not perfection.....oh....and happy birthday me
I read a great piece from a RA recently on chronic relapse and he states exactly that which I've known and everyone knows, without massive change, relapse will happen. And if it does it means the qualifier wasn't working hard enough to stay sober. I know from everything I have seen recently that my qualifier is not ready to quit for good. Not only have I not seen anything remotely different in him (I think when ppl change in any way you notice at least SOMETHING...as he has been noticing with me even if he can't pin point it) , but I sense he is still avoiding the elephant in the room. Some old behaviors resurfaced this weekend when he went into a rage episode after seeing a photo of me at dinner with friends and my top was a little lower cut. He apologized after saying it was just his jealousy because he didn't want someone else to swoop in and get me, but it was definitely that DD behavior. He also sent me an article on moderation "management" (of course saying ' hey I'm not saying I agree but interesting stuff'). To me this is a screaming red flag that he hasn't yet committed to sobriety given the fact that he is openly fantasizing about moderation. A man who drinks perfume.
He can't actually say the words that he will never drink again yet. And honestly....I don't see the work. I asked him about AA and he seems indifferent and wants to see if there is something else now. The problem is, whether you do AA or something else, you must DO IT. His disease is too severe to do anything half-a$$ed. In fact I think this may also be a sign his disease is progressing because a year and a half ago he was actually speaking at events and giving leads and sponsoring. He had that excitement about it. It was quite literally his lifestyle and he was like a rockstar in the rooms. Something just changed and that same zeal is gone.
As for me, I want to get healthier and fit. So I am eating better and going to the gym almost everyday. I don't always want to, but I know if I don't I will not have the outcome I want so I just do it and now it's become just a habit and lifestyle. I love it. I am into it and it's making my mind stronger along with my body. I know have something outside of us I am committed to and enjoy spending time on. I will admit I felt myself slipping a little with him in these last several days - spending too much time together and not wearing my caution like I was before. Rolling back into the "Smarie he knows and loves and not that other angry person". Being overly-agreeable, not wanting to make waves...feeling the lovey dovey feelings again...that Codie me.
I need to get that anger back a little to prop me up when it happens again so I have the strength to let go when the inevitable roles back in.....I'm happy I have caught it so I can change back. Like when you catch yourself starting to reach for too many chips Progress not perfection.....oh....and happy birthday me
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm not sure "unhooking" is how i see what we DO with our codependency. it's not like a wagon we can unhitch and just leave on the side of the road. it is a PART of us. just a part that isn't working right.
i just learned about this due to some recent car issues - one of the sensors in the cooling system of the engine is called a RATIONALITY SENSOR. it's job is to take readings from from other sensors and determine if the data is RATIONAL. if the car JUST started but the coolant is already at 150 degrees, that doesn't make sense, it isn't RATIONAL. so the sensor then says hey OIL, what's your temp? Fuel? and it will try to determine what is at fault. if it determines that something IS wrong, like the engine is just way too hot, it will start to slow the engine down by adjusting the timing....or having the plugs misfire, the car would then kind of chug and sputter, and ultimately run slower. it will do this in an effort to preserve the engine and avoid catastrophic failure.
in codependency our RATIONALITY sensor has become faulty, irrational. it can no longer gauge what is valid, factual and real. it can no longer assess the data it receives. it no longer knows now to start the "avoid catastrophic failure" sequence.
we don't LOSE our codependency, we learn to live WITH it. we learn to recalibrate our sensors, and return the system to a more rational state. and we learn what to do to KEEP things functioning properly.
same as with the alcoholic. it's the first drink that gets 'em drunk. if there is no FIRST drink, there can't be a second or a 25th. so they must learn a new set of skills and behaviors, thought processes and beliefs in order to successfully stay away from that first drink. and further yet, to stay away from the THOUGHT of the first drink. to lose the DESIRE to drink.
what if.....you did not PREPARE for the next relapse? what if it didn't matter either way? your response would be the same. you are still giving him WAY too much power. you say you are living your own life, but you are doing so ALWAYS with HIM as your filter.
i just learned about this due to some recent car issues - one of the sensors in the cooling system of the engine is called a RATIONALITY SENSOR. it's job is to take readings from from other sensors and determine if the data is RATIONAL. if the car JUST started but the coolant is already at 150 degrees, that doesn't make sense, it isn't RATIONAL. so the sensor then says hey OIL, what's your temp? Fuel? and it will try to determine what is at fault. if it determines that something IS wrong, like the engine is just way too hot, it will start to slow the engine down by adjusting the timing....or having the plugs misfire, the car would then kind of chug and sputter, and ultimately run slower. it will do this in an effort to preserve the engine and avoid catastrophic failure.
in codependency our RATIONALITY sensor has become faulty, irrational. it can no longer gauge what is valid, factual and real. it can no longer assess the data it receives. it no longer knows now to start the "avoid catastrophic failure" sequence.
we don't LOSE our codependency, we learn to live WITH it. we learn to recalibrate our sensors, and return the system to a more rational state. and we learn what to do to KEEP things functioning properly.
same as with the alcoholic. it's the first drink that gets 'em drunk. if there is no FIRST drink, there can't be a second or a 25th. so they must learn a new set of skills and behaviors, thought processes and beliefs in order to successfully stay away from that first drink. and further yet, to stay away from the THOUGHT of the first drink. to lose the DESIRE to drink.
what if.....you did not PREPARE for the next relapse? what if it didn't matter either way? your response would be the same. you are still giving him WAY too much power. you say you are living your own life, but you are doing so ALWAYS with HIM as your filter.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I never heard of the "rationality sensor" on a car, but what a terrific analogy! I know I've had my rationality sensor go on the fritz. Nothing really works right until I get that component adjusted.
I was actually IN Moderation Management (yes, it's a for-real group, and FULL of alcoholics looking for the magic loophole). I was in it for four years. Gave it what I thought was the ol' college try. Actually it was a little too MUCH like ol' college. We actually formed a subgroup of people who concluded "moderation" was not in the cards for us. Some were in AA, others were using other programs or their own DIY program, some had more success than others. And there are still folks who bounce back and forth between those groups, too miserable to keep drinking, too miserable to stay sober.
I'd suggest staying OUT of these discussions with him about what he should be doing. I'm glad you're doing some good things for yourself, but I sure wish you would walk away from his toxic mess. It can't be good for you.
I was actually IN Moderation Management (yes, it's a for-real group, and FULL of alcoholics looking for the magic loophole). I was in it for four years. Gave it what I thought was the ol' college try. Actually it was a little too MUCH like ol' college. We actually formed a subgroup of people who concluded "moderation" was not in the cards for us. Some were in AA, others were using other programs or their own DIY program, some had more success than others. And there are still folks who bounce back and forth between those groups, too miserable to keep drinking, too miserable to stay sober.
I'd suggest staying OUT of these discussions with him about what he should be doing. I'm glad you're doing some good things for yourself, but I sure wish you would walk away from his toxic mess. It can't be good for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Smarie, while I agree with the others that we don't really unhook from our codependency, we can unhook from our qualifiers. Barring some miracle, eventually you probably will be strong enough to unhook from him. Perhaps like Lexie and alcohol moderation, you will need to do some time of codependency moderation . . . hmmm . . . .in a way I suppose we all do this.
Glad to hear you are working out and getting stronger.
I hope you are getting emotionally and spiritually stronger too.
Glad to hear you are working out and getting stronger.
I hope you are getting emotionally and spiritually stronger too.
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