It happened
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
XAH claimed I'd "rushed to divorce"--even though the actual divorce happened YEARS after the discovery of secret drinking and draining of savings accounts w/o my knowledge or consent. According to him, if I'd "ever shown one minute of compassion", he would have been able to quit drinking and everything would have been different.
Same in your case...
Same in your case...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
My X was livid when I kicked him out and told him I was filing. I had been telling him for months that I wanted a divorce, that it was not working. Sit down, serious talks. He was so shocked when I actually did it. Of course, at first it was I will do anything, blah blah quack quack. Then it became MY fault and has every since.
One day you won't care what he thinks about it. I promise.
You have done the hard part, not it's just a step at a time.
Hugs.
ps....HONEYPIG...that pic is AMAZING!!!!
One day you won't care what he thinks about it. I promise.
You have done the hard part, not it's just a step at a time.
Hugs.
ps....HONEYPIG...that pic is AMAZING!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
YEah, it's pretty easy to rally your ducks into a small, temporary row when you feel like things are falling apart.
Give it a minute....then tell him NO one time and see what happens.
Stay strong, sista - you worked hard for this and a few nicey nicey WORDS do not change years worth of crappy ACTIONS.
Give it a minute....then tell him NO one time and see what happens.
Stay strong, sista - you worked hard for this and a few nicey nicey WORDS do not change years worth of crappy ACTIONS.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
That relationship voice is speakimg strong again to me today. H has been wonderful now for 8 days. The lawyer wants my financial papers and I've been dragging my heels. I'm so torn between not trusting him and having hope. I don't want to ruin either future.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well you can HOPE that he truly IS a changed man. and if that is so, then it would not matter if you proceeded with the separation/divorce or not. as a "changed" man he would be kind to you REGARDLESS.
you could tell him you have decided NOT to proceed and then set the stop watch and see how long it takes him to "change back".
you could tell him you ARE going forward with the proceedings, and then see how long he remains "wonderful".
remember Mr. Wonderful showed up the same day as the papers. it is NOT a coincidence. he's manipulating you, softening you up, just as he has EVERY OTHER time you tried to leave.
you could tell him you have decided NOT to proceed and then set the stop watch and see how long it takes him to "change back".
you could tell him you ARE going forward with the proceedings, and then see how long he remains "wonderful".
remember Mr. Wonderful showed up the same day as the papers. it is NOT a coincidence. he's manipulating you, softening you up, just as he has EVERY OTHER time you tried to leave.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This!!! Yes, be your authentic self, say what you mean and mean what you say, and see what happens.
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Try saying "no" to something he wants. That usually brings it to the surface.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 114
I don't know anything about your situation, but sending positive thoughts to u. I think the advice of tell him NO on something and see what happens. 8 days nice compared to how many days alcoholic and mean? I always try and remember how many days we had to put up with the awful. That helps keep things in perspective. Also- his lawyer may be suggesting he be on his best behavior so that you will give in during proceedings and not stick it to him real hard.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I would say, stop looking for happiness in the same place you lost it but only you can determine you own level of happiness. 8 days is nothing, a week and he’s been “acting” as you wish him to act. What kind of outside help is he receiving for his drinking? How many meetings or therapy sessions has he attended in these 8 days? Other than “acting” the part you want him to, what has he done to help himself remain Mr. Wonderful?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Well...why don't you go ahead and send the financial papers, anyway....
That way, when he does a 180, you won't kick yourself so hard in the butt....
Why don't you write the top reasons that got you to this point...and read them every time you start doubting yourself.....
That way, when he does a 180, you won't kick yourself so hard in the butt....
Why don't you write the top reasons that got you to this point...and read them every time you start doubting yourself.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
In other words, he's had it in him all along to be the husband you wanted him to be, but he chose not to until he believed he would lose you? He only made this grand transformation when his own comfort was threatened, and not when you were unhappy? Okay.
Anvil's right. If he really is reformed he will be willing to let you go without it altering this new attitude he has adopted. If not, well...it wouldn't be the first miraculous turnaround that turned out to be manipulation.
Anvil's right. If he really is reformed he will be willing to let you go without it altering this new attitude he has adopted. If not, well...it wouldn't be the first miraculous turnaround that turned out to be manipulation.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There are plenty of reasons for him to want to stay in the marriage, other than the notion that he loves you too much to let you go. Primarily financial--it is gonna hit HIM in the pocketbook if you walk. If it was just because he LOVED you so much, it wouldn't take the threat of imminent divorce proceedings for him to behave decently. You've told him over and over how his behavior made you feel, haven't you? Did that make a dent? No--it's the prospect of your actually standing up for yourself and not being willing to take it any more that has him TEMPORARILY on "good behavior."
See this for what it is--one more ploy to derail your plans.
See this for what it is--one more ploy to derail your plans.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by dandylion
Well...why don't you go ahead and send the financial papers, anyway....
That way, when he does a 180, you won't kick yourself so hard in the butt....
That way, when he does a 180, you won't kick yourself so hard in the butt....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, I'd suggest you stop asking for any more "signs"--though I'm pretty positive your HP didn't make him abuse your children for the sake of showing you what you already knew, but keep running away from.
It honestly doesn't get any clearer.
ETA: And please reconsider that protective order. He needs to be GONE--for everyone's safety.
It honestly doesn't get any clearer.
ETA: And please reconsider that protective order. He needs to be GONE--for everyone's safety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
No, I didnt ask for the abuse as a sign. It confirms why I'm doing this.
Protective orders are different between partners and a different one for children. I've been told children protective orders are so much harder to attain due to the diffificulty to prove.
Protective orders are different between partners and a different one for children. I've been told children protective orders are so much harder to attain due to the diffificulty to prove.
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