Finally asking for help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 2
Finally asking for help
Hey guys, I've never posted before, but I've been scouring the internet for information and advice about what's been going on in my relationship with my boyfriend of 1 year, and this forum has been very eye opening. I've known for a while now that my 21 year old boyfriend has a drinking problem, but it's getting so much more difficult to deal with, and I'm wondering if leaving him is the answer that I've been seeking or if there's any hope.
When we first started dating, last March, we would drink together at night when he would come over. It wasn't a big deal to me at first because I thought maybe he was just using it to break the ice and I enjoyed drinking occasionally. But after he moved in after a month (early, I know), I noticed that he wanted me to buy beer on my way home from work almost everyday. I obliged, still not really thinking too much of it, until we had our first fight in April when he asked me to come pick him up from a friends house because he was too drunk to drive. When I got there, he wasn't even there, because he had driven home very drunk, forgetting that he had even asked me to come get him. He was very apologetic, told me it wouldn't happen again. Well, on my birthday, a couple days later, he got super drunk again, passed out early before he and I could celebrate together and then woke up at like midnight, walked to the corner of my room and pissed all over the floor. I was so upset, but forgiving, because I didn't know. Over the next few months, he was still drinking every single day, beer mostly, not getting super drunk every time, but enough to start annoying me when he would become overly affectionate and talkative, telling me that he loved me after knowing me for a month, and driving around buzzed occasionally.
Then the cheating started. I would find messages on his phone to girls that were sexual and totally inappropriate. I broke up with him after the first instance, but we quickly reconciled when he told me it would never happen again. Since then, we have broken up 7 times and gotten back together because of this issue. And it almost always happens when he's been drinking. I told him after this that he could not drink alone when I was at work. But of course, I would catch him drinking. If it wasn't his weird rambling facebook posts, then it was his numerous texts to me telling me that he wanted me to get pregnant with his baby that gave it away. After our last breakup which was about 5 months ago where I came home to find him drunk and messaging three different girls, he promised me that he would cut back on the drinking.
Fast forward to now. He drinks less now, BUT he hides it. I'll find empty bottles hidden around the house and receipts with his purchases scattered around. Also, now he smokes pot WAY more, because he can't drink as much without it causing a fight. He lies right to my face now, even when he knows I have proof. I mean, I will be waving a screenshot or a receipt in front of him, and he'll tell me "I don't know how that happened." He will beg and plead for me to not leave him, but after catching him again a couple days ago, and after reading some of the things I've seen in this forum, I'm thinking that I can't do it anymore. He's not going to change, right?
He thinks all of our problems are stemming from the fact that I don't trust him at all. And he will tell me that he has no freedom and that his depression is the reason he has to drink and why he texts other people. I don't doubt that his depression is a huge part of what's going on, and I know that my attempts to control his behavior are not working or helping. I've realized today that I have zero control over what he does, and that it is unhealthy to think that I am going to change him. I've suggested seeing a therapist or a doctor or some kind of professional, but I feel like it's being forced. I know he doesn't want to do it. Is it possible that by loving him unconditionally and supporting him in doing this by himself it's going to work? Or am I setting myself up for failure? Should I wait and see how therapy works out for him? I love him more than anything, and when he's sober, he is everything I've ever wanted. But we're having more bad days than good, and our relationship is falling apart.
When we first started dating, last March, we would drink together at night when he would come over. It wasn't a big deal to me at first because I thought maybe he was just using it to break the ice and I enjoyed drinking occasionally. But after he moved in after a month (early, I know), I noticed that he wanted me to buy beer on my way home from work almost everyday. I obliged, still not really thinking too much of it, until we had our first fight in April when he asked me to come pick him up from a friends house because he was too drunk to drive. When I got there, he wasn't even there, because he had driven home very drunk, forgetting that he had even asked me to come get him. He was very apologetic, told me it wouldn't happen again. Well, on my birthday, a couple days later, he got super drunk again, passed out early before he and I could celebrate together and then woke up at like midnight, walked to the corner of my room and pissed all over the floor. I was so upset, but forgiving, because I didn't know. Over the next few months, he was still drinking every single day, beer mostly, not getting super drunk every time, but enough to start annoying me when he would become overly affectionate and talkative, telling me that he loved me after knowing me for a month, and driving around buzzed occasionally.
Then the cheating started. I would find messages on his phone to girls that were sexual and totally inappropriate. I broke up with him after the first instance, but we quickly reconciled when he told me it would never happen again. Since then, we have broken up 7 times and gotten back together because of this issue. And it almost always happens when he's been drinking. I told him after this that he could not drink alone when I was at work. But of course, I would catch him drinking. If it wasn't his weird rambling facebook posts, then it was his numerous texts to me telling me that he wanted me to get pregnant with his baby that gave it away. After our last breakup which was about 5 months ago where I came home to find him drunk and messaging three different girls, he promised me that he would cut back on the drinking.
Fast forward to now. He drinks less now, BUT he hides it. I'll find empty bottles hidden around the house and receipts with his purchases scattered around. Also, now he smokes pot WAY more, because he can't drink as much without it causing a fight. He lies right to my face now, even when he knows I have proof. I mean, I will be waving a screenshot or a receipt in front of him, and he'll tell me "I don't know how that happened." He will beg and plead for me to not leave him, but after catching him again a couple days ago, and after reading some of the things I've seen in this forum, I'm thinking that I can't do it anymore. He's not going to change, right?
He thinks all of our problems are stemming from the fact that I don't trust him at all. And he will tell me that he has no freedom and that his depression is the reason he has to drink and why he texts other people. I don't doubt that his depression is a huge part of what's going on, and I know that my attempts to control his behavior are not working or helping. I've realized today that I have zero control over what he does, and that it is unhealthy to think that I am going to change him. I've suggested seeing a therapist or a doctor or some kind of professional, but I feel like it's being forced. I know he doesn't want to do it. Is it possible that by loving him unconditionally and supporting him in doing this by himself it's going to work? Or am I setting myself up for failure? Should I wait and see how therapy works out for him? I love him more than anything, and when he's sober, he is everything I've ever wanted. But we're having more bad days than good, and our relationship is falling apart.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Then the cheating started
welcome to SR. sorry for what brings you here but you are definitely in the right place.
there are multiple issues at play here. his drinking is one of them, and it's a pretty big one. but it is something he does, not something he does AT you.
however i highlighted the above because it is a separate issue. and this one is a direct violation of the bond of trust between partners. he then blames YOU for HIS behavior. and after numerous break ups and getting caught again, he says he'll cut back on drinking. which does not address his constant contact with other women.
you deserve better. and i think you know that deep down.
his change is not why we are here. OUR change and growth is!
welcome to SR. sorry for what brings you here but you are definitely in the right place.
there are multiple issues at play here. his drinking is one of them, and it's a pretty big one. but it is something he does, not something he does AT you.
however i highlighted the above because it is a separate issue. and this one is a direct violation of the bond of trust between partners. he then blames YOU for HIS behavior. and after numerous break ups and getting caught again, he says he'll cut back on drinking. which does not address his constant contact with other women.
you deserve better. and i think you know that deep down.
his change is not why we are here. OUR change and growth is!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
No one has ever loved someone into recovery, my friend, unconditionally or otherwise.
If he thinks the root of all of your problems is that you don't trust him, why is his immediate solution that you should just trust him instead of doing everything in his power to EARN the trust HE lost in first place?
What therapy, exactly, are you suggesting you stick around to "see how it works out"? All you've done is suggest that as something he might do. Has he called and made an appointment? Has he stopped drinking? Has he done anything to SHOW you that he is actually interested in changing?
Accepting that someone I had intensely strong feelings for was not actually the person I wished he would be is one of the toughest things I have ever had to do, and ultimately, one of the most freeing. Why is someone who cheats on you, lies to you, and STILL blames you for all of the problems in the relationship "everything you've ever wanted"? Are you sure you're not taking "everything you've ever wanted" and pasting all over some guy who doesn't actually measure up and isn't actually worth your time and effort?
I say all this from a place of I Have Totally Been There and I Get It. But my friend, you are twisted up in knots over someone who is using you. I hope that you can take all that energy you are giving to him and instead use it to figure out why that might be.
If he thinks the root of all of your problems is that you don't trust him, why is his immediate solution that you should just trust him instead of doing everything in his power to EARN the trust HE lost in first place?
What therapy, exactly, are you suggesting you stick around to "see how it works out"? All you've done is suggest that as something he might do. Has he called and made an appointment? Has he stopped drinking? Has he done anything to SHOW you that he is actually interested in changing?
Accepting that someone I had intensely strong feelings for was not actually the person I wished he would be is one of the toughest things I have ever had to do, and ultimately, one of the most freeing. Why is someone who cheats on you, lies to you, and STILL blames you for all of the problems in the relationship "everything you've ever wanted"? Are you sure you're not taking "everything you've ever wanted" and pasting all over some guy who doesn't actually measure up and isn't actually worth your time and effort?
I say all this from a place of I Have Totally Been There and I Get It. But my friend, you are twisted up in knots over someone who is using you. I hope that you can take all that energy you are giving to him and instead use it to figure out why that might be.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
chuci.....I don't want another hour to go by, without advising you to avoid getting pregnant with this guy, at all costs....
Having a child in this setting would be compromising your future as well as a child.....
And....don't ever trust the male, alone, with the contraceptive responsibility...make sure that you, also take precautions, also.....
Having a child in this setting would be compromising your future as well as a child.....
And....don't ever trust the male, alone, with the contraceptive responsibility...make sure that you, also take precautions, also.....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome!
Sounds to me like the only one who has a problem with his behavior is you. As SparkleKitty said, loving someone sober doesn't work. And therapy isn't like penicillin--you don't just "take it" and it works. Therapy involves a lot of hard work. So does AA or rehab. From what you've described he's said he will get therapy, but clearly it's just to get you off his back, not because he has some desire to change.
This isn't to say he won't someday reach that point, but it's likely to be years--maybe even decades--before he gets there. And the majority of alcoholics never really do. They just keep going until they eventually wind up in prison, the hospital (physical or mental) or the grave.
So let's put it this way--there's nothing to wait around for, at this point. Presumably you're around the same age, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I wouldn't be wasting it on someone who not only drinks, but treats you the way this guy has.
Sounds to me like the only one who has a problem with his behavior is you. As SparkleKitty said, loving someone sober doesn't work. And therapy isn't like penicillin--you don't just "take it" and it works. Therapy involves a lot of hard work. So does AA or rehab. From what you've described he's said he will get therapy, but clearly it's just to get you off his back, not because he has some desire to change.
This isn't to say he won't someday reach that point, but it's likely to be years--maybe even decades--before he gets there. And the majority of alcoholics never really do. They just keep going until they eventually wind up in prison, the hospital (physical or mental) or the grave.
So let's put it this way--there's nothing to wait around for, at this point. Presumably you're around the same age, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I wouldn't be wasting it on someone who not only drinks, but treats you the way this guy has.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 2
Thanks for your honesty, guys. I'm starting to see that I'm simply making hollow excuses at this point because I don't know how to leave. Alcohol might make it worse...but it's probably just that he's a terrible boyfriend. Wish me luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Welcome Chuci. Huge kudos to you for reaching out and asking questions.
Unfortunately everything in this relationship is pretty classic (Hmmmm . . . .I suppose the fortunate side of this is that most of us can relate . . .irk!!)
I do wish you luck. For many/most of us getting out of this situation is super tough. We all will support you to the hilt as you move forward. (of course our support might not be quite what you need/want but we will do the best we can)
Unfortunately everything in this relationship is pretty classic (Hmmmm . . . .I suppose the fortunate side of this is that most of us can relate . . .irk!!)
I do wish you luck. For many/most of us getting out of this situation is super tough. We all will support you to the hilt as you move forward. (of course our support might not be quite what you need/want but we will do the best we can)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Hi chuci,
You are absolutely right to be questioning this relationship and his treatment of you. I also made excuses to stay because like you say, it's really difficult to leave.
I have experienced infidelities in my 5 year marriage and I have tried to excuse some of it because he is an alcoholic.
This relationship is still in its infancy and you are young - you can choose a much healthier, more peaceful path if you want to.
Wishing you the best
You are absolutely right to be questioning this relationship and his treatment of you. I also made excuses to stay because like you say, it's really difficult to leave.
I have experienced infidelities in my 5 year marriage and I have tried to excuse some of it because he is an alcoholic.
This relationship is still in its infancy and you are young - you can choose a much healthier, more peaceful path if you want to.
Wishing you the best
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by chuci 
.... it's probably just that he's a terrible boyfriend. Wish me luck.
This is about his hurtful behavior only in so far as the hurt can help you wake up. This is about your own attraction to this situation and why you participate. This isn't about other women or about getting him help. This is about you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi chuci he's learned that breaking up means nothing; after all he's been through it 7 times and he just knows you're going to take him back after a few empty promises and some sweet talk.
He's almost certainly drinking more than you can see, and has no inhibitions about cheating.
When you do decide you've had enough of him be very careful of him re-doubling his efforts to get you back. Expect lots of solemn promises, and many 'I love you'. Don't fall for it. A good rule is to take no notice of the words and only watch the actions. All will become clear.
As for the trust thing; you'd have to be crazy to trust him. You might have a weakness where he's concerned but you're not that silly.
He's almost certainly drinking more than you can see, and has no inhibitions about cheating.
When you do decide you've had enough of him be very careful of him re-doubling his efforts to get you back. Expect lots of solemn promises, and many 'I love you'. Don't fall for it. A good rule is to take no notice of the words and only watch the actions. All will become clear.
As for the trust thing; you'd have to be crazy to trust him. You might have a weakness where he's concerned but you're not that silly.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think it really comes down to YOU and what you want and more importantly how you want to be treated in a relationship. His behavior is classic alcoholic behavior but what about your behavior?
Moving in with someone you have only known for a month.
Drunken escapades of his that had you playing hide and go seek and put you on an emotional roller coaster and then to be repeated all over again.
Then comes the cheating.
And now comes the pot smoking.
What is your deal breaker? What is your bottom line on how you will be treated in a relationship?
I do think therapy or counseling is a great idea…….FOR YOU and only YOU.
You can break up with him but without discovering your why's when it came to this relationship you will most likely repeat the same down the road.
I know so many woman who swear they will never get involved with another alcoholic ever again but that same type of person comes wrapped in different paper all the time.
Moving in with someone you have only known for a month.
Drunken escapades of his that had you playing hide and go seek and put you on an emotional roller coaster and then to be repeated all over again.
Then comes the cheating.
And now comes the pot smoking.
What is your deal breaker? What is your bottom line on how you will be treated in a relationship?
I do think therapy or counseling is a great idea…….FOR YOU and only YOU.
You can break up with him but without discovering your why's when it came to this relationship you will most likely repeat the same down the road.
I know so many woman who swear they will never get involved with another alcoholic ever again but that same type of person comes wrapped in different paper all the time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Oh, sweetheart.
This is not a good relationship!
You are describing a relationship which hurts, then hurts, then hurts...
You don't deserve being hurt over & over.
Nobody does!
Love is supposed to mostly make you happier & stronger.
It doesn't matter if he's drunk when he misbehaves! He is constantly misbehaving! And hurting you with his actions!
You would have to lock him in the basement to have any hope of feeling safe, & he'd likely shimmy out a teeny window!
I don't know either of you, but if you were my friend, or my daughter, or myself, I'd say earnestly "you deserve someone who honors their commitment!"
He is not in any condition to make any commitments, let alone keep them!
Let it go. Let him go. This has nothing to do with you!
This is not a good relationship!
You are describing a relationship which hurts, then hurts, then hurts...
You don't deserve being hurt over & over.
Nobody does!
Love is supposed to mostly make you happier & stronger.
It doesn't matter if he's drunk when he misbehaves! He is constantly misbehaving! And hurting you with his actions!
You would have to lock him in the basement to have any hope of feeling safe, & he'd likely shimmy out a teeny window!
I don't know either of you, but if you were my friend, or my daughter, or myself, I'd say earnestly "you deserve someone who honors their commitment!"
He is not in any condition to make any commitments, let alone keep them!
Let it go. Let him go. This has nothing to do with you!
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