It happened
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
It happened
Stbxh was served last night. Of coarse I'm to blame. Of coarse he had no warning. This is a stunt. He claims this is like I'm holding a gun to his head. There was no ultimatums. I'm not happy. You've known what I needed for the last six monthes and have done nothing. His story keeps changing. I see nothing to change this decision.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Good for you, hearthealth. At least it is something you have to dread, any more...because it is done!
This is standard alcoholic, self centered behavior....deflecting all blame onto others....behaving like a victim, when, in reality, they are the perpetrator....
He is quacking. Of course, he is going to quack.
don't llisten to it....when he is talking, visualize him like a small duck quacking loudly.
don't fall into the trap of JADE.....You don't have to Justify...Argue...Defend...Explain...
You are responsible for your own happiness....and, you are exercising your right..... (he sure won't)....
Proceed straight ahead....
This is standard alcoholic, self centered behavior....deflecting all blame onto others....behaving like a victim, when, in reality, they are the perpetrator....
He is quacking. Of course, he is going to quack.
don't llisten to it....when he is talking, visualize him like a small duck quacking loudly.
don't fall into the trap of JADE.....You don't have to Justify...Argue...Defend...Explain...
You are responsible for your own happiness....and, you are exercising your right..... (he sure won't)....
Proceed straight ahead....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so glad you got this done. Didn't you say there was going to be a protective order served, at the same time? Did that happen? If not, I'd get one in place.
I'm glad he's going away for a few weeks--that should give you a chance to breathe a bit.
Please keep your guard up for your own safety--abusers tend to take their victim's efforts to leave as a direct threat and a challenge to their control. It can be dangerous, and you need to stay safe. Don't hesitate to call the police if you feel threatened.
I'm glad he's going away for a few weeks--that should give you a chance to breathe a bit.
Please keep your guard up for your own safety--abusers tend to take their victim's efforts to leave as a direct threat and a challenge to their control. It can be dangerous, and you need to stay safe. Don't hesitate to call the police if you feel threatened.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
It's difficult and you did it!Him blaming you - again - says a lot.....but the most loud of them all - YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!
He isnt ready to change, but you are.....i hope that once the dust settles, you feel free to mold your life into what you want it to be!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
God I do remember these events. They always act so incredulous when the outcome goes down exactly as they were told it would.
Stick to your guns. Do what you know needs to be done. Don't fall for any of his victim pleadings.
Stick to your guns. Do what you know needs to be done. Don't fall for any of his victim pleadings.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
When I left my AH 2.5 weeks ago, he knew I was leaving. And he knew it would happen over the March Break. For safety reasons, I didn't mention the exact day.
Not long after I left, I received an email from him. Among other things, he mentioned doing a lot of crying (which I had not seen him do in 9 years) and that he had taken days off work to "get his head around everything".
His alcoholism had been an issue in the life of our family for years. I did everything...said everything...one hundred different ways...it made zero difference. I realized that nothing changes if nothing changes. I told him months ago that I couldn't be with him while he was drinking, and that I was putting plans in motion for the kids and I to leave.
No surprises at the end. My leaving was totally known to him far in advance. His choice to continue drinking and abusing our family was entirely his own. So what was there to get his head around? He knew the consequences of continuing his behaviour.
They were in plain sight for ages.
The truth is that denial and deflection go a long way toward keeping an alcoholic in their addiction. But the bottom line is that they are making the choice to drink. Plain and simple.
We need to continue making the best choices for our own lives and our children, if any.
Best wishes. Stay strong.
Not long after I left, I received an email from him. Among other things, he mentioned doing a lot of crying (which I had not seen him do in 9 years) and that he had taken days off work to "get his head around everything".
His alcoholism had been an issue in the life of our family for years. I did everything...said everything...one hundred different ways...it made zero difference. I realized that nothing changes if nothing changes. I told him months ago that I couldn't be with him while he was drinking, and that I was putting plans in motion for the kids and I to leave.
No surprises at the end. My leaving was totally known to him far in advance. His choice to continue drinking and abusing our family was entirely his own. So what was there to get his head around? He knew the consequences of continuing his behaviour.
They were in plain sight for ages.
The truth is that denial and deflection go a long way toward keeping an alcoholic in their addiction. But the bottom line is that they are making the choice to drink. Plain and simple.
We need to continue making the best choices for our own lives and our children, if any.
Best wishes. Stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
H has been a model husband and father. If he only did a quarter of this before I filed but he did nothing. We've been talking. I now know why JADE is so bad.
He wanted things to happen. I told him no because I don't trust him. He then said because I filed again he can't trust me.
I can't believe this will last. Or is it I don't want to believe it will last? He says he should have done more. He is doing more. He's taken some ownership. He states it won't go back to the way it was. How am I to trust him ever again? Too much, too late.
He wanted things to happen. I told him no because I don't trust him. He then said because I filed again he can't trust me.
I can't believe this will last. Or is it I don't want to believe it will last? He says he should have done more. He is doing more. He's taken some ownership. He states it won't go back to the way it was. How am I to trust him ever again? Too much, too late.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
pretty typical reaction.....he will APPEAR to be the man/father/partner you want....try to get you to back off. he will literally assault you with deeds and acts and attention. he knows HOW to behave LIKE an attentive engaged partner.
stay the course. don't let his "sudden" 180 fool you.
stay the course. don't let his "sudden" 180 fool you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
he knows HOW to behave LIKE an attentive engaged partner.
Keep saying no and see how long he stays "nice."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Is he sorry for what he did to you and your family? Or is he sorry that the gravy train is ending?
If he's sorry for what he did, he'll realize that the divorce is the price he has to pay for his behavior. He will feel remorse, and respect your feelings.
If he's sorry that the gravy train is ending, he'll stop being nice to you and go back to his regular schtick.
If he's sorry for what he did, he'll realize that the divorce is the price he has to pay for his behavior. He will feel remorse, and respect your feelings.
If he's sorry that the gravy train is ending, he'll stop being nice to you and go back to his regular schtick.
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