gypsy04

So I have realized in my first post that I was not being authentic to my situation. Yes it is true the my A and I did have a lot of fun but there were many lies and fights started to go out and drink and the list goes on with the lack of working because my A was to hungover and the process would begin again, the hiding of bottles, and many other things. I understand that I needed to look back and see the situation for what it was because I am ready to heal. My ABF will be home from treatment in a matter of days and I need to keep working on me. I have been attending alanon once a week and will continue to do so(that has been an eye opener). Any tips on how I can best support my A without compromising both of our recoveries?? thanks!

SparkleKitty

Focus on your OWN recovery, and let your ABF focus on his.

gypsy04

Thank you, maybe a better question would be how? How do we not get involved in the recovery of each other and still have a relationship. Do we just not talk about recovery and fill out time together with other things? Even as I write this it sounds stupid.

SparkleKitty

You can be available to listen to each other when you each need or want to discuss or share something about your own recovery.

You can avoid trying to gauge how each other's recovery is going, or trying to manage each other's recovery or environment.

Other than that, you live your lives. Take care of yourselves, be patient and open, and listen, both to each other, and yourselves.

Maudcat

Hi, gypsy. Welcome. It's great that your SO has sought treatment. Even better that you are attending Al-Anon meetings. That fellowship is an amazing source of support and strength.
I guess the only advice I would give would be to "stay on your side of the street." That is, keep going to meetings. Don't try to anticipate the future. Your SO is still in early recovery. Treatment is a good first step, but there are many more steps to come. He needs to navigate life without alcohol as a prop. That can be very scary and daunting.
But it is something he must do himself.
Same for you. You can't and shouldn't try to manage his recovery. If he wants to talk, fine. If he doesn't, that's fine too.
You should take care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Exercise. Do the things that give you joy. Remember that you didn't cause the problem, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Only time will tell about whether you and he have a life together. Peace.

LexieCat

It's not like there's this code of silence you each have to impose on yourselves, it's more a matter of not getting into each other's business. There's a great temptation to ask, "How was your meeting tonight? Which step are you on? When are you meeting with your sponsor? Don't you think it's time you GOT a sponsor?" Or, conversely, to overshare about your own recovery: "I had the BEST talk with my sponsor today--we met for coffee and we talked about how I sometimes get nervous worrying about whether you'll drink again, but she told me I need to focus on myself, so that's what I'm doing. I just really don't want you to feel ignored, but I need to stay on my side of the street, yadayada."

It will be awkward in the beginning but just let him take the lead in what he feels like sharing. And yes, talk about everyday stuff. Be as patient as you can, just because re-entry in early recovery is very much a matter of getting one's sea legs.

maia1234

G,
I am so happy for you that you ABF is in rehab. I was never blessed with that. From what I have "read" it is a very difficult transition for the addicts. If he follows through with his recovery he will be gone all the time with aa or another support groups. You might want to go and read the "new to recovery" forum on how difficult and depressing it is for them. This might shed some light on what he will be going through. If he is going to succeed, you have to give him a ton of space and don't expect him to be warm and fuzzy. He probably will not discuss his "recovery" with you and he doesn't have you because you will not get "it".

It will be a very difficult time for you and him. Work on yourself, mind your own business and give it to God. Hopefully he will be a success story!!

gypsy04

I do understand what he is going through as I have come through addiction myself but I was single during my early recovery. This was a question mostly about navigating a relationship as I waited many years after I got sober to enter a relationship. Thank you for your response!

gypsy04

Thank you! This was exactly what I needed to read! I

gypsy04

Thank you! Yes we still have a long road ahead of us. I am hopeful he will stay in recovery.

gypsy04

Thank you, this was the kind of advice I was looking for

honeypig

XAH was never actually IN recovery, but during the time we spent "pretending" that he was, there was a lot of street-crossing on both of our parts. I did do the "How was your meeting? What was the topic?" thing. He obligingly made up stories for me (wasn't even actually going to meetings). When the wheels eventually came off, this added to my feelings of anger and betrayal--but, while I didn't make him lie to me, I certainly set myself up to be lied to, thus playing a part in the whole messed-up dynamic.

In addition, my questioning also gave him openings to tell me things like "I was talking about how I'd hidden things from you for X number of years, and the person I was talking to said they couldn't believe that you were such a stupid bit*h." I heard stuff like this from him regularly, and it was only after a while that I realized:
A) this was his way of calling me those names w/o taking the heat for it--"hey, just telling you what transpired, YOU are the one who ASKED!"
B) I was leaving the door wide open for this sort of treatment by asking questions that were really none of my business.

I'm not saying your A will do likewise; hopefully he is indeed sincere and any struggles will be b/c he is genuinely trying to find his way rather than b/c he is using the opportunity to take a swipe at you under cover of "recovery."

And a final suggestion would be for both of you to memorize this line: "I think your sponsor can help you w/that better than I can." It's so, so hard to break that habit of crossing the line and trying to fix someone else. For me, it was a knee-jerk reaction, something I didn't even think about, and it led me into many places where I did NOT belong as well as continually opening that door for him to say things he knew would hurt and/or frighten me.

Best wishes to both of you; may you have the strength and clarity to see things through.

dandylion

gypsy...for one thing....much of what you both will be dealing with are internal changes,,,which only the individual can deal with, inside, anyway.
And, any concerns and struggles he is having, is best directed to his peers and professionals in his recovery program.
this can help break down some of the enmeshment in each other's side of the street. It allows you each to develop more individual autonomy and individuation...which is sorely needed in most relationships, like this....

My husband had a job with a large corporation which deals with the defense department...and, thus, much of his job was "classified".....therefore, we seldom spoke about the details of his work. It was more like...."What did you have for lunch, today? How was the traffic?" I was working in surgery, at the time...so he had little interest in whose gallbladder was taken out....
But, guess what....there are a gazillion other things about living that we related to each other, about.....
LOl....Maybe, you could pretend that each other's recovery is "classified".....?

Just a suggestion.....

atalose

"relationships" are a trigger for codependents much like alcohol is a trigger for an alcoholic and drugs for a drug addict.

Where you are aware of your own past road to sobriety and waiting to be on solid ground before entering into a relationship, he is just beginning on that path.

He was drunk when you met and continued to remain drunk through out your relationship. He is now sober and as you mentioned in another post, you don't even know this person sober or if you might even feel the same about him.

Maybe it's best for him and his recovery to go into sober living, given his history of years of alcohol abuse, that might be in his best interest. He needs to find himself, find a job and become a productive person in society first and for most before he can become any part of a relationship. Allow him to feel who he is sober and not have to feel for a "relationship" at this point in time.

Just my opinion.

gypsy04

Thank you. I would say I'm sorry to hear that your x treated you that way but it sounds as though you have dealt with that. My A pretended to be in recovery about a year ago and I did the same as you stated above. I do hope he is genuine with his recovery this time as well, time will tell.

gypsy04

We just spoke about this last night! it was recommended by his counselor earlier this week and it looks like that is the direction he is planning to go at this time. I am in full support of this for not only him but me.

gypsy04

Haha classified! Thank you, I feel much better navigating through all of this. I think we are going to be living apart for awhile to concentrate on our own "stuff" and I feel pretty good about that and I plan on staying out of his recovery unless he wants to talk about something.