Think My Enabling Has Reared Its Ugly Head Again
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Think My Enabling Has Reared Its Ugly Head Again
I "thought" I was done enabling people. I have tried really hard to make people in my life responsible for themselves to the extent that they are able too. That doesn't include children and pets lol but I've realised today I fell at the first fence with my long term boyfriend.
He has no addiction issues but without getting into a very long story I helped him get to a place in his life I actually wanted to be myself but have no chance of attaining due to the fact I have responsibilities I cannot abandon. Now he has the chance to live what was my dream and he is on the cusp of deciding.
I feel sick with anxiety. Partly cos I am trying my utmost to let him go to what will be his new life in a dignified manner while part of me wants to lay on the floor and scream and cry at the unfairness of it all. I am verging between wanting to tell him honestly I do not want him to leave me here cos I love him and want him in my life or encouraging him to go cos I love him and want him to be happy. So far encouraging him is winning over my selfishness but it is killing me. He is saying he's not going without me which means he's not going cos I can't. I got let down on cover for my boys and have been left holding all the responsibility by myself but I just know this will bite me on the ass sooner or later if he doesn't. It's his dream job in a country he loves being in. It's all my fault too. He'd never have had a chance if I hadn't pulled out stops from my end. Its like I deliberately destroyed our relationship cos us staying together long distance long term is unlikely. I am really sad. I don't know why I did it either.
He has no addiction issues but without getting into a very long story I helped him get to a place in his life I actually wanted to be myself but have no chance of attaining due to the fact I have responsibilities I cannot abandon. Now he has the chance to live what was my dream and he is on the cusp of deciding.
I feel sick with anxiety. Partly cos I am trying my utmost to let him go to what will be his new life in a dignified manner while part of me wants to lay on the floor and scream and cry at the unfairness of it all. I am verging between wanting to tell him honestly I do not want him to leave me here cos I love him and want him in my life or encouraging him to go cos I love him and want him to be happy. So far encouraging him is winning over my selfishness but it is killing me. He is saying he's not going without me which means he's not going cos I can't. I got let down on cover for my boys and have been left holding all the responsibility by myself but I just know this will bite me on the ass sooner or later if he doesn't. It's his dream job in a country he loves being in. It's all my fault too. He'd never have had a chance if I hadn't pulled out stops from my end. Its like I deliberately destroyed our relationship cos us staying together long distance long term is unlikely. I am really sad. I don't know why I did it either.
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I don't think your problem is "enabling" in this situation; I think you are assuming too much responsibility IN YOUR OWN MIND for someone else's life. If he says he doesn't want to go without you, then isn't it a little bit presumptuous of you to assume you know, better than he does, what he really wants?
Life is full of choices, and often one choice excludes another. Life is all about tradeoffs. Each person has to decide for him/herself which will ultimately be the best for him or her. Unless he is laying a guilt trip on you for not going with him--playing the martyr that he isn't going because you aren't--I think he is well within his rights to decide that staying with you is preferable to going there without you.
I'd suggest being totally honest with him about your own conflicted feelings, as you described them above. And then tell him you love him enough to allow him to make his own choice, and that you will love him whatever he decides.
And you can't possibly KNOW your relationship won't survive if he goes without you. Maybe it will, and you could join him later. Or maybe he stays and everything is so lovely that he never regrets not going.
Life is full of choices, and often one choice excludes another. Life is all about tradeoffs. Each person has to decide for him/herself which will ultimately be the best for him or her. Unless he is laying a guilt trip on you for not going with him--playing the martyr that he isn't going because you aren't--I think he is well within his rights to decide that staying with you is preferable to going there without you.
I'd suggest being totally honest with him about your own conflicted feelings, as you described them above. And then tell him you love him enough to allow him to make his own choice, and that you will love him whatever he decides.
And you can't possibly KNOW your relationship won't survive if he goes without you. Maybe it will, and you could join him later. Or maybe he stays and everything is so lovely that he never regrets not going.
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Thank you Lexie. You are right. I am assuming too much responsibility in my own mind for his life and I think possibly me thinking he'd rather go than stay is a reflection on how I see myself. Part of me thinks why would he want to be with me? Am boring and ordinary and he got a chance of an exciting time.
He's away until next week but I will have a face to face with him about it and tell him what I said here.
He's away until next week but I will have a face to face with him about it and tell him what I said here.
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It also very well may be a situation in which you know you aren't able to give him that he deserves. A lot of what you said reminds me of my situation w.my boyfriend whom I love and care for very much but simply is not able to give me the life I want. He is separated from is wife with a child and responsible for the well-being of his family as his wife is not able to stand on her own feet at this time. He also has severe addiction that is not under wraps. I on the other hand, am single without children and no addictions. I am ready to live my life and as much as I want it to be with him, I think we both realize it would be selfish of him to keep me steady with him when I have the opportunity to have a family and do the things I have the freedom to do that he is tied from and unable to do. (and he wants the freedom to do them badly but can't, whereas I can).
I know you can't know what he is thinking, but it does sound like he may want to go but feels attached and maybe guilty for getting the opportunity and freedom you don't have. If he doesn't go and stays with you, he may resent you. I resent my bf because he tells me I should go and be happy but I love him so I stay, but then I resent him for not getting to take advantage of the opportunities I know I deserve.
In a perfect world we would both have the freedom and both be together enjoying life. My advice would be to have a very frank conversation about this with him and understand that if you set him free, he is not abandoning you but trying to make the best that he can of this thing called life. Sometimes letting go of someone to be whom they were meant to become, is the most unselfish kind of love.
I know you can't know what he is thinking, but it does sound like he may want to go but feels attached and maybe guilty for getting the opportunity and freedom you don't have. If he doesn't go and stays with you, he may resent you. I resent my bf because he tells me I should go and be happy but I love him so I stay, but then I resent him for not getting to take advantage of the opportunities I know I deserve.
In a perfect world we would both have the freedom and both be together enjoying life. My advice would be to have a very frank conversation about this with him and understand that if you set him free, he is not abandoning you but trying to make the best that he can of this thing called life. Sometimes letting go of someone to be whom they were meant to become, is the most unselfish kind of love.
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If he doesn't go and stays with you, he may resent you.
That's my worry but all my efforts to get him out the door permanently have come to nothing. He goes and then he comes back after a few weeks cos he misses me. He's back next week after yet another attempt at him leaving for good. He never goes no contact. He is always in touch no matter where he is in the world or what timezone. I have asked him if he feels obligated to me and he says no. He says he's totally in love with me and hates being without me. He misses my boys and our shared cat.
My boys are 18 but one's autistic and originally my eldest daughter said she would have them both live with her and my eldest son in 2 years time. Now she has changed her mind due to where her own life is taking her. I moved the goalposts and my boyfriend knows now that our plan for me to join him if he went first won't be happening. I want him to have a great life tho even tho I am fast realising mine is pretty much over cos my chances went with my bad choices of husband and am getting a bit over the hill to start again.
That's my worry but all my efforts to get him out the door permanently have come to nothing. He goes and then he comes back after a few weeks cos he misses me. He's back next week after yet another attempt at him leaving for good. He never goes no contact. He is always in touch no matter where he is in the world or what timezone. I have asked him if he feels obligated to me and he says no. He says he's totally in love with me and hates being without me. He misses my boys and our shared cat.
My boys are 18 but one's autistic and originally my eldest daughter said she would have them both live with her and my eldest son in 2 years time. Now she has changed her mind due to where her own life is taking her. I moved the goalposts and my boyfriend knows now that our plan for me to join him if he went first won't be happening. I want him to have a great life tho even tho I am fast realising mine is pretty much over cos my chances went with my bad choices of husband and am getting a bit over the hill to start again.
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I might be way off base but I don't hear enabling, I hear Resentments:
Maybe it really isn't about him at ALL?
I helped him get to a place in his life I actually wanted to be myself but have no chance of attaining due to the fact I have responsibilities I cannot abandon. Now he has the chance to live what was my dream and he is on the cusp of deciding.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Is it out of the question for you AND the boys to move?
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Well, maybe you could work on setting up a support network for them to rely on for any help they need. That, along with regular visits (their coming to you, your coming to them), maybe a couple of times a year, might make it manageable. At some point you won't be around and they will have to navigate the world without you. It would take some time to put into place, but a year or two is not an unreasonable goal, I think.
Just tossing around a few ideas. I don't like the idea of everything being black and white, all or nothing.
Just tossing around a few ideas. I don't like the idea of everything being black and white, all or nothing.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Well, maybe you could work on setting up a support network for them to rely on for any help they need. That, along with regular visits (their coming to you, your coming to them), maybe a couple of times a year, might make it manageable. At some point you won't be around and they will have to navigate the world without you. It would take some time to put into place, but a year or two is not an unreasonable goal, I think.
Just tossing around a few ideas. I don't like the idea of everything being black and white, all or nothing.
Just tossing around a few ideas. I don't like the idea of everything being black and white, all or nothing.
Their siblings live 2 hours away on a train but they visit them. We've no one here to help but I've a SW friend who helps vulnerable adults with their living needs I will chat too. My boyfriend suggested, if he does go, once he is settled I could go over for 2- 3 months at a time until the boys can sort themselves out here. It's doable
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Yes Firesprite now I've had a little think. I think I am resentful. Not of him but my exah who has got off free and left me with quite a row to hoe. Am 56 and decent men do not come around very often. Exah does as he pleases and I am here looking after his sons 24/7. I need to work on that. Thanks for pointing it out.
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579
Maybe you are right Firesprite. I'll have to think about that. I did enable him to tho. I gave him the contacts and helped him see them.
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[QUOTE=SparkleKitty;6369939]I think there's a big difference between helping someone and enabling them -- one is just something friends and family do of their own free will because it's nice, and the other contributes and supports negative behaviors. BUT either way, if help is not freely given with no expectation of something in return, then resentments are definitely on the horizon...[/QUOTE
I don't resent him or the fact he can go. I do resent my situation as it has ended up tho and the fact I can't. My resentment is towards my exah who is a waste of space and has broken every promise he ever made to our sons. I know I need to move on and I thought I had but this situation with my boyfriend has thrown it up. Am not as content as I imagined.
I don't resent him or the fact he can go. I do resent my situation as it has ended up tho and the fact I can't. My resentment is towards my exah who is a waste of space and has broken every promise he ever made to our sons. I know I need to move on and I thought I had but this situation with my boyfriend has thrown it up. Am not as content as I imagined.
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Attagirl.
And here's something else to consider. I remember when I first separated, feeling utterly helpless. I don't have a ton of close friends, and I kept thinking, what if the car breaks down, what if this or that happens, who would I CALL?
Well, yeah, those things did eventually happen, and guess what? I managed to navigate them. Some more gracefully than others. But the point is, every time I did manage, I felt more confidence in my ability to handle whatever came up. I was stranded in Chicago due to weather in my home state recently, and my cats were alone for the maximum time I feel I can leave them. I called up a carpenter friend and he went over and accessed the house using a key I leave in a lockbox, and he made sure their food was good and emptied the (by then totally disgusting) litter box. It worked out. And if he couldn't have done it, I would have called other neighbors/friends to help out (or even the vet, as a last resort). When you GOTTA do something, you figure it out.
And here's something else to consider. I remember when I first separated, feeling utterly helpless. I don't have a ton of close friends, and I kept thinking, what if the car breaks down, what if this or that happens, who would I CALL?
Well, yeah, those things did eventually happen, and guess what? I managed to navigate them. Some more gracefully than others. But the point is, every time I did manage, I felt more confidence in my ability to handle whatever came up. I was stranded in Chicago due to weather in my home state recently, and my cats were alone for the maximum time I feel I can leave them. I called up a carpenter friend and he went over and accessed the house using a key I leave in a lockbox, and he made sure their food was good and emptied the (by then totally disgusting) litter box. It worked out. And if he couldn't have done it, I would have called other neighbors/friends to help out (or even the vet, as a last resort). When you GOTTA do something, you figure it out.
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It's really crazy how deeply rooted this stuff can get sometimes, isn't it? I've been dealing with a rebound of resentments this week that I would've sworn I'd put to rest long ago. Sigh.
I do agree that there is a big difference between helping & enabling. (but that's for you to decide) Personally, I think enabling also implies some sort of expectations on the other person's part.
At the same time, there's also a difference (for me) between helping & passively martyring. My "damage" in this way is related more to my ACoA issues than my RAH. Over the years I've "helped" at least SIX people open & manage successful businesses - I can't tell you how many people I've "helped" achieve all kinds of personal goals..... all the while ignoring that it was all self-motivated. The longer I spent focused on all their important needs, the less time I had to realize I was completely unable to define my own hopes & dreams in the same way. I wasn't pursuing my dreams because I'd never really learned how to prioritize myself in that way and my fear of failure was crippling.
So I lied to myself that they needed me when in reality, it was really that *I* needed them to need me because that was the role I was most comfortable in.
So in a situation like you describe, I could easily be resentful toward myself for externalizing my wants/needs onto someone else, if that makes sense?
I do agree that there is a big difference between helping & enabling. (but that's for you to decide) Personally, I think enabling also implies some sort of expectations on the other person's part.
At the same time, there's also a difference (for me) between helping & passively martyring. My "damage" in this way is related more to my ACoA issues than my RAH. Over the years I've "helped" at least SIX people open & manage successful businesses - I can't tell you how many people I've "helped" achieve all kinds of personal goals..... all the while ignoring that it was all self-motivated. The longer I spent focused on all their important needs, the less time I had to realize I was completely unable to define my own hopes & dreams in the same way. I wasn't pursuing my dreams because I'd never really learned how to prioritize myself in that way and my fear of failure was crippling.
So I lied to myself that they needed me when in reality, it was really that *I* needed them to need me because that was the role I was most comfortable in.
So in a situation like you describe, I could easily be resentful toward myself for externalizing my wants/needs onto someone else, if that makes sense?
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Hi ladybird,
Keep looking for solutions - it really doesn't sound as though your BF wants to split up your relationship. I know our children must always come first but yours are adults (like mine) and I travelled between England and Scotland every other week for three years until recently - it's was an 8 hour journey every week (probably less than what you might be considering) but it meant I could keep my relationship with soon to be ex and also see my daughter and grandchildren week about.
Was not an ideal situation and it was tiring for me but there are ways until your children are completely independent.
Maybe a similar job/situation would be there in another year or two if your both not ready to make the move right away but from what I've read here, you and your BF have a solid and committed relationship - good luck
Keep looking for solutions - it really doesn't sound as though your BF wants to split up your relationship. I know our children must always come first but yours are adults (like mine) and I travelled between England and Scotland every other week for three years until recently - it's was an 8 hour journey every week (probably less than what you might be considering) but it meant I could keep my relationship with soon to be ex and also see my daughter and grandchildren week about.
Was not an ideal situation and it was tiring for me but there are ways until your children are completely independent.
Maybe a similar job/situation would be there in another year or two if your both not ready to make the move right away but from what I've read here, you and your BF have a solid and committed relationship - good luck
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
At the same time, there's also a difference (for me) between helping & passively martyring. My "damage" in this way is related more to my ACoA issues than my RAH. Over the years I've "helped" at least SIX people open & manage successful businesses - I can't tell you how many people I've "helped" achieve all kinds of personal goals..... all the while ignoring that it was all self-motivated. The longer I spent focused on all their important needs, the less time I had to realize I was completely unable to define my own hopes & dreams in the same way. I wasn't pursuing my dreams because I'd never really learned how to prioritize myself in that way and my fear of failure was crippling.
So I lied to myself that they needed me when in reality, it was really that *I* needed them to need me because that was the role I was most comfortable in.
So in a situation like you describe, I could easily be resentful toward myself for externalizing my wants/needs onto someone else, if that makes sense?
So I lied to myself that they needed me when in reality, it was really that *I* needed them to need me because that was the role I was most comfortable in.
So in a situation like you describe, I could easily be resentful toward myself for externalizing my wants/needs onto someone else, if that makes sense?
Thanks (I think, lol) for giving me something to chew on.
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Over the years I've "helped" at least SIX people open & manage successful businesses - I can't tell you how many people I've "helped" achieve all kinds of personal goals..... all the while ignoring that it was all self-motivated. The longer I spent focused on all their important needs, the less time I had to realize I was completely unable to define my own hopes & dreams in the same way. I wasn't pursuing my dreams because I'd never really learned how to prioritize myself in that way and my fear of failure was crippling.
Ive gotta run but this caught my eye. This is so me. I never thought about it before but it is. Thank you. It's a wake up tbh. What I want to do can merge with what my boyfriend want to do. I just need the guts to do it.
Ive gotta run but this caught my eye. This is so me. I never thought about it before but it is. Thank you. It's a wake up tbh. What I want to do can merge with what my boyfriend want to do. I just need the guts to do it.
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