Trying to divorce but...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 2
Trying to divorce but...
Hello. New here and needing advice. I've left my AH before over his drinking and let him come back after he claimed to have gotten help. He relapsed. And for the last two years I've been trying to get him to leave again (this is my apartment we live in) The normal situation is his drinking gets out of control, I ask for divorce, he begs me to hold off so he can get help; I cave and agree not to file so he can get the help he needs. He makes feable attempts at getting sober. And he eventually falls of wagon and we start this cycle over again.
It happened again this week. Two days of angry drunk behavior (he is not physically abusive but is verbal) I told him I was filing for divorce this coming week. Then he wakes up Fri and calls me at work apologizing and tells me he made an apt with a Dr to get help, etc. Telling me he needs my help cause he can't do this alone. Even asking me to change our sleeping arrangements so he is not alone and tempted to drink (we have not shared a room in 2 yrs). All I can think is you are a grown man and I am not going to babysit you!! But i know if I don't he won't stop.
How do I break this cycle? He doesn't have family he can rely on for help and I know that he can't do this on his own but I am exhausted and want him out of my home. Our kids hate him and beg me to get him out.
How do you let go of the guilt in the pit of your stomach of making someone who desperately needs help move out and deal with this on his own?
Any advice is needed. Thank you.
It happened again this week. Two days of angry drunk behavior (he is not physically abusive but is verbal) I told him I was filing for divorce this coming week. Then he wakes up Fri and calls me at work apologizing and tells me he made an apt with a Dr to get help, etc. Telling me he needs my help cause he can't do this alone. Even asking me to change our sleeping arrangements so he is not alone and tempted to drink (we have not shared a room in 2 yrs). All I can think is you are a grown man and I am not going to babysit you!! But i know if I don't he won't stop.
How do I break this cycle? He doesn't have family he can rely on for help and I know that he can't do this on his own but I am exhausted and want him out of my home. Our kids hate him and beg me to get him out.
How do you let go of the guilt in the pit of your stomach of making someone who desperately needs help move out and deal with this on his own?
Any advice is needed. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
There is no reason for you to believe that this time will be different, it is the same stuff different day. He really has no reason to change, you keep letting him come back.
It's your apartment, you don't want him there , the kids don't want him there, you do have power over what is acceptable in your living space.
You are not helping by letting him come back, it is actually making it worse. You keep providing him with a soft place to land. If he is telling you he can only not drink if he sleeps with you he is fooling himself, and you, he has to go to the liquor store to get the booze.
I would cut him loose and let him figure it out , you are not responsible for him, you have children and yourself to take care of
It's your apartment, you don't want him there , the kids don't want him there, you do have power over what is acceptable in your living space.
You are not helping by letting him come back, it is actually making it worse. You keep providing him with a soft place to land. If he is telling you he can only not drink if he sleeps with you he is fooling himself, and you, he has to go to the liquor store to get the booze.
I would cut him loose and let him figure it out , you are not responsible for him, you have children and yourself to take care of
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
The cycle continues until the cycle is broken. The ONLY chance he has is if you break it since he obviously has shown time and time again he can't with the current situation- this time will be no different. His sobriety is ON HIM, not you. You know the 3 C's, right?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I am an alcoholic. Even in my worst days I knew there was help and I knew that drinking was a choice.
He can get well on his own. You're not so powerful that you can do it for him.
Take care of yourself and your children, you deserve it.
He can get well on his own. You're not so powerful that you can do it for him.
Take care of yourself and your children, you deserve it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Exhausted.....every alcoholic who reaches for genuine recovery has to do it on his own....and because he wants to be sober for himself as a first priority...
If being with you was the thing that brings sobriety...he would already be sober, wouldn't he.....
He is with you...and, he is drunk.....
If being with you was the thing that brings sobriety...he would already be sober, wouldn't he.....
He is with you...and, he is drunk.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Not only CAN he do this on his own, he MUST. You have not been able to prevent him from relapsing before, there is literally no reason to believe this time will be different -- unless YOU do the different thing.
You have been through enough, and you deserve better than this.
You have been through enough, and you deserve better than this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I would ask you, why can't he get sober alone? And haven't you been there for 2 years or more supporting sobriety, and he still hasn't.
He is putting HIS recovery in your hands, holding you hostage by claiming to NEED your support and help. You are his fall guy because either way if he gets sober or does not, it's going to be YOUR fault as he is setting it up that way.
You have smart kids, listen to them!!
He is putting HIS recovery in your hands, holding you hostage by claiming to NEED your support and help. You are his fall guy because either way if he gets sober or does not, it's going to be YOUR fault as he is setting it up that way.
You have smart kids, listen to them!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
You really do sound exhausted! With good cause. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. You've come to the right place. Everyone here is either in a similar situation or was, at some point.
I say this with kindness: you *have* been babysitting him and he's still drinking.
There is a LOT of help out there. If he wants it enough he will find it and he must want it enough, for himself. It's really not in your power, and you alone, to help him. You've done everything you possibly could, already.
Please listen to them. You have a choice. HE has a choice. Your kids don't.
Realize you are NOT deserving of guilt. YOU did not cause this, YOU cannot control or cure it. This burden is not on your shoulders. It is on his.
It's awesome you're reaching out here. Keep posting and reading.
All I can think is you are a grown man and I am not going to babysit you!! But i know if I don't he won't stop.
How do I break this cycle? He doesn't have family he can rely on for help and I know that he can't do this on his own but I am exhausted and want him out of my home.
Our kids hate him and beg me to get him out.
How do you let go of the guilt in the pit of your stomach of making someone who desperately needs help move out and deal with this on his own?
It's awesome you're reaching out here. Keep posting and reading.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Exhausted.....you would be amazed at what resources a person has if they HAVE to survive. Many a person has slept on a park bench, or, under a bridge, or on a friend's couch or barn, or one of the local shelters, or in a bus station, or gone to the food bank, or soup kitchen, or the Salvation Army..(Salvation Army is good)....
All this, before they recognized that they didn't want to live like that anymore and that they were powerless over the alcohol...and got themselves to an AA meeting...willing to do whatever it takes to get sober.....
All this, before they recognized that they didn't want to live like that anymore and that they were powerless over the alcohol...and got themselves to an AA meeting...willing to do whatever it takes to get sober.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Exhausted, you may not want to hear this, but you are most likely the reason he continues to drink. Because he knows the pattern that he just has to be "good" and beg forgiveness for awhile and you will take him back and the cycle continues. He won't seriously get help for himself until he realizes it is ALL ON HIM to do so. Some people hit their rock bottom after consequences are realized, and still some don't. At least if you break the cycle and provide the consequences (divorce), he MIGHT have a chance to really WANT recovery.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You've gotten some great feedback here. Your kids are being seriously harmed by this situation. What kind of memories do you think they will have when they grow up?
He CAN do this on his own--and if it's ever going to happen for him, I think that's where he needs to do it. As long as he has his family around him, and a nice place to live, he can continue to think his life "isn't so bad." He's not able to put himself in your place, or in your kids' place, and think about what this is doing to YOU.
And if he doesn't get sober after he's on his own, well, guess he's just not ready to do it yet. And that would be true whether he's at home or "out there."
I'd do whatever is necessary to get him OUT of the home and not even consider allowing him back unless he's been solidly sober for a year. Not that you'd have to take him back if he gets sober--I'm just saying that should be the bare minimum before even considering it.
And I'd suggest Al-Anon for you, and some kind of counseling/therapy (or Alateen if the kids are old enough).
I'd also suggest contacting your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline. Verbal abuse IS abuse, and depending on what he's done, and the state where you live, you might be eligible for a protective order that would require him to leave and to have no contact. Even if you're not eligible for an order, an advocate can help you with a safety plan and provide resources to help.
He CAN do this on his own--and if it's ever going to happen for him, I think that's where he needs to do it. As long as he has his family around him, and a nice place to live, he can continue to think his life "isn't so bad." He's not able to put himself in your place, or in your kids' place, and think about what this is doing to YOU.
And if he doesn't get sober after he's on his own, well, guess he's just not ready to do it yet. And that would be true whether he's at home or "out there."
I'd do whatever is necessary to get him OUT of the home and not even consider allowing him back unless he's been solidly sober for a year. Not that you'd have to take him back if he gets sober--I'm just saying that should be the bare minimum before even considering it.
And I'd suggest Al-Anon for you, and some kind of counseling/therapy (or Alateen if the kids are old enough).
I'd also suggest contacting your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline. Verbal abuse IS abuse, and depending on what he's done, and the state where you live, you might be eligible for a protective order that would require him to leave and to have no contact. Even if you're not eligible for an order, an advocate can help you with a safety plan and provide resources to help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
you didnt cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.
4/22/05- the morning after another rip snortin backout, my fiance told some of what i had said and done, then tossed me out.
that was the action that got it from my head to my heart that alcohol and me ALONE were the common denominators in all my problems. that was the action that got it from my head to my heart that i wanted help.that was the action that got me to understand she nor anyone else could help unless i truly,honestly, a d sincerely wanted help.
that was the action that led me to the doors of an AA meeting.
although the choice to get sober had to be done by me and it was me that had to put in the footwork, i didnt have to do it alone- the fellowship of AA guided me as i did the footwork. having people who had been in my shoes- who had experienced desperation- and had gotten out from under was what i needed to learn how to live life sober.
cant control it
cant cure it.
4/22/05- the morning after another rip snortin backout, my fiance told some of what i had said and done, then tossed me out.
that was the action that got it from my head to my heart that alcohol and me ALONE were the common denominators in all my problems. that was the action that got it from my head to my heart that i wanted help.that was the action that got me to understand she nor anyone else could help unless i truly,honestly, a d sincerely wanted help.
that was the action that led me to the doors of an AA meeting.
although the choice to get sober had to be done by me and it was me that had to put in the footwork, i didnt have to do it alone- the fellowship of AA guided me as i did the footwork. having people who had been in my shoes- who had experienced desperation- and had gotten out from under was what i needed to learn how to live life sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
welcome to SR, Exhausted. Many folks here have been in your shoes.
I was never in a relationship with an alcohol dependent person. (I was the alcoholic in my own life.)
But....I was involved with someone who was a chronic liar, and was deceptive with regard to other women.
I remember the pattern well. He would let me down in some way again. I would scream at him and tell him to never contact me again. He would get in touch after a few hours or a day. . He would promise that things would be better. I would take him back.
Then he would let me down again.
I understand where you are coming from. I wanted so much for my SO to be the wonderful man with whom I had fallen in love. I wanted so much for us to have the life that I envisioned for us.
But..he wasn't that man. That wasn't our life.
What he was was a lying, cheating SOB. I finally came to see that.
Like you, I was tired! Tired of the pattern, the drama, the lies. It got so I would feel sick, waiting for him to disappoint me again.
Your husband is not ready to give up drinking. He knows that if he just says the right things, does just enough of the right behavior that you will take him back.
Believe me, you will know when he is serious.
And that may never be.
If you want out of this relationship, you have to be the one to do it.
I would suggest Al-Anon. It is a positive fellowship that helps the loved ones of alcohol dependent people find clarity and serenity despite a drinking partner.
And finding clarity might mean that you and the children separate from your spouse.
Life with an alcoholic is, as you know, a hard road. You have the power to change that.
Peace. Good luck.
I was never in a relationship with an alcohol dependent person. (I was the alcoholic in my own life.)
But....I was involved with someone who was a chronic liar, and was deceptive with regard to other women.
I remember the pattern well. He would let me down in some way again. I would scream at him and tell him to never contact me again. He would get in touch after a few hours or a day. . He would promise that things would be better. I would take him back.
Then he would let me down again.
I understand where you are coming from. I wanted so much for my SO to be the wonderful man with whom I had fallen in love. I wanted so much for us to have the life that I envisioned for us.
But..he wasn't that man. That wasn't our life.
What he was was a lying, cheating SOB. I finally came to see that.
Like you, I was tired! Tired of the pattern, the drama, the lies. It got so I would feel sick, waiting for him to disappoint me again.
Your husband is not ready to give up drinking. He knows that if he just says the right things, does just enough of the right behavior that you will take him back.
Believe me, you will know when he is serious.
And that may never be.
If you want out of this relationship, you have to be the one to do it.
I would suggest Al-Anon. It is a positive fellowship that helps the loved ones of alcohol dependent people find clarity and serenity despite a drinking partner.
And finding clarity might mean that you and the children separate from your spouse.
Life with an alcoholic is, as you know, a hard road. You have the power to change that.
Peace. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I suppose if you're going to keep caving the merry go round will continue. Alanon gave me the strength and wisdom to erect boundaries and keep them. It's hard but Alanon can make a big difference.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
