Trying to divorce but...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
How do I break this cycle? He doesn't have family he can rely on for help and I know that he can't do this on his own but I am exhausted and want him out of my home. Our kids hate him and beg me to get him out.
you break the cycle by changing YOUR behavior. as long as you believe he "can't do this on his own" you will continue to enable him, to cave, and on it goes. he CAN and MUST do this on his own. if you were the key to his sobriety, he'd BE sober.
please put your kids first. in your thoughts, and in your actions. they don't have a choice. they are stuck in this cycle until something changes.
you are not his solution. you are your own solution.
you break the cycle by changing YOUR behavior. as long as you believe he "can't do this on his own" you will continue to enable him, to cave, and on it goes. he CAN and MUST do this on his own. if you were the key to his sobriety, he'd BE sober.
please put your kids first. in your thoughts, and in your actions. they don't have a choice. they are stuck in this cycle until something changes.
you are not his solution. you are your own solution.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
How do I break this cycle? He doesn't have family he can rely on for help and I know that he can't do this on his own but I am exhausted and want him out of my home. Our kids hate him and beg me to get him out.
How do you let go of the guilt in the pit of your stomach of making someone who desperately needs help move out and deal with this on his own?
I threw my exah out. One Christmas after he was wasted by 11 am on Christmas Day and passed out on the kitchen floor so I couldn't even cook the dinner unless I stepped over him. He was inept, had nowhere to go and acted like a child needing care. He wouldn't use a phone, computer or shop except for alcohol and cigarettes. He couldn't budget money, do the family bills or cook. He didn't know how to operate a vacuum cleaner or washing machine. He was and still is unemployed. He went from leaving with a suitcase of stuff and a case of beer lol to ending up getting the marital home and all our assets off me. Do not underestimate an alcoholics ability to take care of themselves. They are NO 1 to themselves. He will be fine. I transferred my guilt to what the situation was doing to my kids lives.
How do you let go of the guilt in the pit of your stomach of making someone who desperately needs help move out and deal with this on his own?
I threw my exah out. One Christmas after he was wasted by 11 am on Christmas Day and passed out on the kitchen floor so I couldn't even cook the dinner unless I stepped over him. He was inept, had nowhere to go and acted like a child needing care. He wouldn't use a phone, computer or shop except for alcohol and cigarettes. He couldn't budget money, do the family bills or cook. He didn't know how to operate a vacuum cleaner or washing machine. He was and still is unemployed. He went from leaving with a suitcase of stuff and a case of beer lol to ending up getting the marital home and all our assets off me. Do not underestimate an alcoholics ability to take care of themselves. They are NO 1 to themselves. He will be fine. I transferred my guilt to what the situation was doing to my kids lives.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I'm going to piggyback on the "can't do this on his own" theme here. This is a link to my own "moment of clarity", which you might find helpful:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iar-patch.html
And to be perfectly and uncomfortably honest, I wanted him to not be able to do it on his own. I wanted him to admit that I was the one who'd held things together all those years. I wanted him to have financial issues, to miss me terribly, to realize all he'd lost.
None of that happened.
So is your fear really that he can't do it w/o you, or is it that he can and will do it w/o you?
By the way, I did eventually get over wanting him to fail, to miss me, etc. It was a very freeing experience. Like everything else in recovery, it took time, patience, and effort. Again, like everything else in recovery, it was very much worth it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iar-patch.html
And to be perfectly and uncomfortably honest, I wanted him to not be able to do it on his own. I wanted him to admit that I was the one who'd held things together all those years. I wanted him to have financial issues, to miss me terribly, to realize all he'd lost.
None of that happened.
So is your fear really that he can't do it w/o you, or is it that he can and will do it w/o you?
By the way, I did eventually get over wanting him to fail, to miss me, etc. It was a very freeing experience. Like everything else in recovery, it took time, patience, and effort. Again, like everything else in recovery, it was very much worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your advice. I do struggle with knowing I need to do this for our kids and know I need to pull trigger for their sake. I think sometimes it's hard to accept that as smart and capable (and bossy lol) as I am in every other area of my life I can't pull myself together and take control here. I always rationalize it that his parents are gone, his only sibling has her own addiction issues, and how can anyone conquer this disease without a support network? And that makes me feel obligated to try to help him. Maybe it is more my subconscious need to control and fix everything that is driving those feelings of no one can help him.
But you are all right--clearly I am not helping him or we wouldn't keep this constant cycle up. And it's caused me own addiction issues with food to creep in and I've gained a lot of weight over the last 5 years eating my feelings away. I try to battle that but get sucked back in by the problems with him and abandon my own struggle.
I have not heard of the 3 Cs so I will look into that and also any available Al Anon meetings in my area.
Thank you again. It's great to have people who have been there, done that to give their own stories and advice.
But you are all right--clearly I am not helping him or we wouldn't keep this constant cycle up. And it's caused me own addiction issues with food to creep in and I've gained a lot of weight over the last 5 years eating my feelings away. I try to battle that but get sucked back in by the problems with him and abandon my own struggle.
I have not heard of the 3 Cs so I will look into that and also any available Al Anon meetings in my area.
Thank you again. It's great to have people who have been there, done that to give their own stories and advice.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
AA exists as a complete support network for recovery from alcoholism. If he chooses to go down that road, he'll have more help and support than he can shake a stick at--from people who know and understand alcoholism--and recovery--far better than you do. What's blocking him isn't lack of support, it's lack of WILLINGNESS, and nobody else can give that to him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
My own break up is very recent and I can totally relate to the feelings of guilt and abandoning a person in need that you describe but it's not healthy for us and it only serves to keep us stuck in the cycle - all of the advice you have been given is spot on - my grief for my marriage is still in its infancy so I can't say more at this stage other than to let you know that I really do empathise and wish you well.
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