suncatcher

So I thought I was doing well. But how well am I really doing? If I am truly honest with myself, have I really changed? I am no longer bothered by things my alcoholic says or does...I am indifferent ..I go about my day. At work I am focused on work. No longer do I worry about what he is doing while I am at work. Its like I have turned a corner but I'm still at another corner. I'm still dealing with an alcoholic but I'm not focused on his behavior. Is that recovery or is it just reaching a point where you don't worry about it anymore? Hmmm...Posting here can be good but it can also make you second guess yourself at times. But maybe that also leads to more steps..more reflection and turning that next corner!

dandylion

suncatcher.....to me, it sounds like you have detached.....and, possibly, you have just lost most of that lovin feeling. You said, I believe? that he was a sort of boyfriend....someone that you care about as a person and share some companionship, with.
What is wrong with that? for lots of people, detachment is the goal..so that they are not spinning their wheels, all the time.....

PhoenixJ

For me- there is ALWAYS another layer of healing (my thoughts/feelings/emotions) to uncover. I often feel detached- but I think that is because the emotional bit takes time to heal.

Abad physical injury will take weeks/months/years to heal and function. I think brain thinking is the same.

Berrybean

Questioning it, or reflecting on it?

I suppose a good place to start would be by thinking about what you hoped to achieve from recovery. Are these things materialising for you? If yes, keep on doing what you're doing. If not, what could you add in to your plan?

Like AA, Al-anon has promised. Perhaps you could use them as a tool for reflection (whether you are in that program or not) as they seem like fairly healthy aims in recovery...

.
1. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder. Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential.

2. We will discover that we are both, worthy of love and loving. We will love others without losing ourselves, and will learn to accept love in return.

3. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth.

4. Courage and fellowship will replace fear. We will be able to risk failure to develop new hidden talents.

5. Our lives, no matter how battered and degraded, will yield hope to share with others.

6. We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but will not be slaves to them.

7. Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame.

8. As we gain the ability to forgive our families, the world, and ourselves our choices will expand.

9. With dignity we will stand for ourselves, but not against our fellows.

10. Serenity and peace will have meaning for us, as we allow our lives and the lives of those we love to flow day by day with G-ds ease, balance, and grace.

11. No longer terrified, we will discover we are free to delight in lifes paradox, mystery, and awe.

12. We will laugh more.

13. Fear will be replaced by faith, and gratitude will come naturally as we realize that our Higher Power is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves.

Which of the have materialised for you so far? Which seem a long way off?

I know that since getting sober I have watched myself go from a place where I thought ALL the AA Promises were practically impossible in reality for anyone, especially me. And as I've become well-er I've noticed the promises materialise one and a time. Some quickly, some far more slowly. Until now, when I can say that for most of the time, all of those promises are evident in myself and my life.

Recovery is beautiful, but it sometimes sneaks up on us. There are no flashing lights or crescendos. More like a tide silently slipping up to the shore.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

suncatcher

If detachment is the goal then I feel I've reached that. I'm not really looking for a more fulfilling relationship with a non alcoholic at this point but someday I might. I just think there are more layers possibly. I feel like I am not completely healthy and wondering if I am staying stuck more for him than for myself? Yes I will always care for him but let's face it, watching someone Deteriorate and not care about their hygiene or their health is frustrating and sickening. If I'm honest with myself I'm sick of it. And this is the only place I feel I can let go and just come out and say that. I'll probably be here off and on until I figure things out.

suncatcher

Thank you BB. I am seeing #2 and #9 as things I could use help or clarification with. I do feel like I'm standing against my alcoholic bf if I stop being in his life. " With dignity we will stand for ourselves but not against our fellows." It's hard for me to just walk away from someone I care for and maybe I don't have to walk away. Unless I start losing myself as #2 states we will love others without losing ourselves... thank you for sharing those with me. Food for thought!

Berrybean

Well, there's help available with just exactly those things you know. I know I could never got to the stage in my recovery I am at now alone. My sponsor, and the help I've had from others who walked the path ahead of me has been invaluable. Why not go ahead and get some of that help for yourself? It's amazing what us humans can achieve when we work together. And then, one day down the line, you'll be able to give back that help by passing it on to someone else. Pretty awesome eh!

Take care. BB

maia1234

Sc,
Sounds like you are working a program. For me, we had become more like roommates. He went out every week night and away every weekend to party. I stayed home taking care of the house and the dog. This gave me the strength to recognize that I could survive on my own, as I was already.

I kind of felt this was the next phase for me to move on. Take your time and feel comfortable with where you are mentally. It's God's time line, not ours. Hang in there, you are going In the right direction.

FireSprite

I think this is exactly why it's called a process. At 5 years in, I'm still unraveling layers & finding stuff to fix.

Not long ago, I shared my thoughts on the whole process in another thread like this: I recently read a book where the author spoke about how therapy is WONDERFUL but it's also intended to be a "boat" that carries you through turbulence to safer places. That we're meant to, at some point, get OFF the boat. That kind of resonates for me except that in my personal experience of recovery, it's more like I keep getting back in the boat & travelling new pathways through new waters to new places. More of a continual growth process for me as a person. I long-ago abandoned my "qualifying" reasons for needing a recovery & started to simply focus on being a Whole Person.

To add to that now, IMO, when 1 partner is in recovery & the other is not, there comes a point in your path when it becomes obvious that you're travelling in opposite directions. Our Codie instinct is to slow down to stop that gap from widening & to give our partners a chance to catch up. Otherwise we have to face the reality that we are knowingly creating space between us - and not the warm & fuzzy, respectful kind of space that partners give each other out of respect. The kind that puts distance between you in being able to maintain intimacy & forward growth in the relationship. It's a passive-aggressive erosion of what used to be.

I think it sounds like you've reached a fork in the road & need to decide what you're working toward. What is your focus? What are you striving to achieve in all of this?

dandylion

if you are wondering if you are staying stuck more for him than yourself...then I think that is your inner voice telling you that you are.

suncatcher

Firesprite, your post makes a lot of sense to me. I do think I am back in the boat. My struggle lies with caring so much for this person (alcoholic) who I consider a dear friend at the very least or boyfriend as he has been in the past. I am growing in my own direction yet he remains in his same alcohol addicted state of mind. I feel a sense of guilt when I don't go see him. I spend a lot of time to myself enjoying my peace and quiet. Your recent post about solitude resonated with me . Sometimes I choose to just enjoy my time to myself rather than go to visit my alcoholic friend. I don't feel guilty about taking this time for myself but I do eventually go visit him. He lives with his dad and they have a "man cave" garage that can be a good time. Complete with a dart board (I enjoy a good game of darts) and of course beer and good music! His family makes me feel like one of the family. I enjoy spending time with him in smaller doses than before when we were inseparable. I feel ok with that . It is an ever changing process. I do hate to see him struggle with his health and poor hygiene. We don't have a typical intimate relationship because of those issues. We are companions and share a bond because we have been close for so long. I am his support person and I don't mind being supportive. I feel I have achieved a healthy balance for the most part. Some of the things well meaning people say here strike a chord. Like "he is going to die from alcoholism and she will follow him to the grave"...that made me think. Not a bad thing to think but I sometimes over think! I think I'm just going to linger and read and keep moving through the process. I do want to make sure I'm not falling into the codependent role again. It's something I know I need to pay attention to.

AnvilheadII

i think it's quite healthy to do a bit of a gut check now and then. rather like checking the air in our tires - just cuz it all still FEELS ok as we plow down the road at 60mph, doesn't always mean everything IS ok.

step 10 tells us to continue take a personal inventory. and while it stops after "and when we were wrong promptly admitted it" - i think the unspoken other side is, and when it's ok, admit that too!

i'm in a spot right now where i'm struggling with some stuff and it's moving from an ongoing annoyance to an ISSUE. and i know i'm not really going about it all right, but i also am trying to defend some boundaries, and i'm losing ground. as much as i agree with the concepts of Detachment, Self Preservation and Boundaries, there are times when it's damn complicated and responsibilities won't allow me just to run off and "do me". and i have to admit, i'm kinda STUCK.

ack. so i think for me i need to loop ALL the way back around to that powerless and unmanageable stuff, cuz i'm not getting anywhere pushing this boulder uphill!!!!

dandylion

suncatcher....If I may ask you a question....If you all don't have sex and he lives with his dad....what kinds of supportive things do you do for him...that he "depends" on you for?
What would change if you removed the "boyfriend" thinking...label...and, was just a platonic friend of him and the family?
If you felt "free" to...would you still want to seek his company from time to time, or, would you like (secretly, to yourself) to move on and see other people in a male-female way?

In a course that I had once, a subject was brought up about ex partners remaining friends. They referenced some studies that had been done on this. Briefly, the result of the studies is that---some can, and, some can't...BUT, for the ones who could...it seemed that some time had to pass, as each went on with their separate lives....and, then, later, were able to still have friendship without further expectations of a romantic nature.....

I'm just saying.....

suncatcher

Dandy, in answer to your question, I support him by talking with his doctors at times because he struggles with understanding what they are telling him. He plays the " my girlfriend is a nurse and she understands this stuff better than I do" thing. I sometimes help him make appointments but he does drive himself to and from his therapy appointments. As far as the sex I am menopausal and not as interested in sex as I used to be. But we do occasionally have a little fun that way if he takes a shower that is lol I sometimes bribe him to get a shower that way as crazy as that sounds. Apologize if that's TMI. The other night he wanted to fooI around and I just said only if we get in the shower ...it's not a regular thing I do to get him to shower. I am happy he is my friend and in my life. I don't really feel like I'm sacrificing anything by maintaining a relationship with him. I do sometimes wonder if I will want a more fulfilling partnership with someone but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. I also helped him to get on disability and Medicaid. My best friend since 8th grade is also married to his brother. We are all like a big family not without its dysfunction of course. Her son is struggling with a heroin addiction. My cousin just died of a heroin overdose. We all just try to be there for one another . I would still choose to be his friend if I took the boyfriend equation out of it. In fact I think in my mind I consider myself more of a friend but we just label oursrlves bf/gf. I hope I didn't confuse you even more with my answer ��

suncatcher

Also to clarify we were at my house when he got a shower not at his dad's! Lol

dandylion

suncatcher...you have every right to have any relationship that you want, and to do it any way that you want as long as nobody is being abused......
My only reason for asking questions is to, maybe, help you discover what you truly want......and need...
Self examination, of sorts.....

suncatcher

Dandy I probably should have private messaged you with my response. I know I am probably going to hear a lot of Codey comments on this one. Ok so maybe I am and thus the reason I started coming here ...it doesn't go away over night it comes and goes like Firesprite said you get back in the boat. I know there are things I still need to work on. It's different when people on the outside try to get a clear picture. I can't paint a clear picture just bits and pieces. What's that we say here...take what you want and leave the rest? That's all we can do.

suncatcher

Thanks, Dandy. I appreciate your questions. Trust me, I have questions of my own. There are some things I'm feeling unsettled about. I'm not even sure what those things are yet. I'm taking personal inventory and reflecting. That has always lead to positive results in the past so I'm up for the task!

dandylion

suncatcher...I completely understand that you might have things that you would prefer to not discuss on an open forum.....
That applies to anyone....
that you are taking personal inventory is a good thing...something that we all need to do, from time to time.....

Ladybird579

So you have a friends with benefits situation were you bribe him with sex ( despite you saying you aren't that interested cos of menopause) if he takes a shower. You helped him get disability and Medicaid and you talk to his doctors and you said elsewhere you use his food card for him. I am not here to judge you over the fwb so do not think I am but this seems a very one-sided relationship in which he gets to drink and have sex now and then and basically have you supporting him. What does he do for you?