Ladybird579

I don't think your MIL knows much about addiction. Threatening to leave will make no difference. It will not make him stop. NOTHING will make him stop unless he decides too and he is nowhere near that point and probably never ever will be. Interventions rarely work even on willing addicts and he wasn't even asked. He is not a child. He's a grown man and responsible for himself.

You need to focus on yourself and put yourself out of harms way before this gets any worse and believe me it can get a lot worse. You state he is abusive when sober so even if he did stop he is still abusive. His abuse is a separate issue as I have said before. I see no reason to change your plans to move out. The more you put up with the more he will do.

Ladybird579

I also feel my biological clock ticking for kids, even though I know I am still very young.

I had my first child at 30 and 6 more by 37 lol. You have loads of time to have children.

FeelingGreat

It sounds like you wanted this brought out in the open SW, whatever the outcome, just to precipitate a crisis.
It's harder to make a decision based on what's best for you, but I'm sure you'll get there if he continues with the abuse and drinking.
You're right - his parents won't be much help is this, and it's not their role. I'm sure they support you, but it's hard when they see their son struggling, and possibly they don't have the heart for a confrontation.

Ariesagain

Live your life. Go out to see your friends. Do the things you would do if you weren't trying to babysit him to control his drinking.

Be ready for what is likely to happen and above all, stay safe. If there's any question in your mind that he's drinking, don't go home.

Sending you strength and clarity.

LexieCat

I would rely on your DV professional to help you put a safety plan in place, in the event he finds out or you want to leave but fear his reaction. Or he is abusive to you again. As I think I mentioned, you might be able to get a protective order, which would require HIM to leave and allow you to stay put.

Your mother in law sounds quite controlling. OTOH, you are turning to her for support, which may not be your best option. She's going to have his interests above yours.

Personally, I think this "intervention" was poorly planned and if it isn't well-executed it actually can do more harm than good.

Just remember, though, that it may progressively become harder to leave. A "permanent" plan for separation doesn't mean you have to divorce instantly (although, of course, you can). But you'd have a safe space and breathing room while you figure out what you want to do. Check around for places that have a 6-month lease, or even month-to-month. The logistics may SEEM overwhelming, but they really aren't. I managed to move out, stay with my brother for a few days while I found a new place, and get totally moved in the space of about two weeks. I stayed at my new apartment for about 8 months or so till I moved back across the country (alone). It worked out fine.

LexieCat

Just one other consideration, too. Your leaving would in no way interfere with his ability to get sober. He may CLAIM that it would, but that's manipulation. The space would give both of you a chance to focus on your respective recoveries. I'm skeptical that he's serious about getting sober at this point, but whether he does or doesn't drink, separation might be the best thing for both of you.

tomsteve

quite a few times when I was in active alcoholism I played the, "if you leave i'll__________________________________."
never once did I keep any of my promises about stopping drinking. never once did I keep the promises that I would change( actually, I did change,though- I sunk deeper into alcoholism).
eventually, every single woman I used that line on, and all of the empty promises, decided to stop being a hostage and left me.
the action that helped get me sober?
my ( by then ex) fiancé tossing me out after a rip snortin drunk.

for those women that left me or tossed me to the curb, I will always feel it was the best move they ever made. I was only going to drag them down with me.
there was nothing but gloom,dispair, and agony on the way down,too.

atalose

In my opinion, I think this intervention was your catalyst for stepping out of this marriage without actually having to say you want out because you are scared to say that. Nothing wrong with being scared but that fear is keeping you stuck in an unhealthy and potentially volatile environment.

You took the time to move the material things that mattered to you most, you got them out of harm’s way………now it’s time to work on you making yourself just as valuable as those other items and getting out of emotional or physical harm’s way.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries…..setting them then sticking to them. Make one of your boundaries that if he verbally abuses you one more time, you will leave because you no longer will tolerate unacceptable behavior.

LexieCat

THIS. Absolutely, this.

There's nothing "courageous" about staying in a miserable, dangerous situation. There is something very empowering, though, about facing the IMAGINARY fears--the ones about what people will think of you, that you can't make it on your own, etc. , for the sake of making the best move for yourself and your future.

hopeful4

I have been talking about just this in counseling right now Lexie. The realization that I have these imaginary fears about what may happen, what people must think, etc, and it blows up in my mind and almost takes me over. I am trying to learn how to control that. I did not even realize it did this so badly until more recently.

My counselor is tied to a domestic violence program, and for this topic, that is a very good thing.

Hugs.