ScaredWife29

Thank you. I apologize for assuming that they were abusive. I am really glad your first husband got sober and stayed sober for all these years. That is very impressive. I hope your second husband can find his path to recovery. Alcoholism is such an awful disease

Also, thank you for your kind words about the fact that the "stigma" is overestimated. I know people may talk for a couple days, but true friends will hopefully be here and understand and will quickly forget about it. After this situation, I have realized that I cannot take anything posted on facebook at face value. It seems to all be fake. To everyone who doesn't know (which is the vast majority of my facebook friends), I must look like I am living such a blessed and blissful life traveling and living life to the fullest. They have no idea what fear and misery I live with daily. Facebook = Fakebook.

ScaredWife29

Thank you so much for the advice and support, KatieKate. I will certainly keep posting. I know there is a long journey ahead, whether I leave or stay. At this point, it is going to depend on how he reacts to the intervention. If this jolts him and is his wake-up call and he goes into rehab and really works hard to get sober and healthy, I may be willing to give him a chance. However, if this causes him to get vindictive/veangeful or he doesn't listen to his parents and doesn't get help, I will have to leave.

I just hate that the two relationships I have had in my life so far (both long-term) have been abusive and have failed. My ex boyfriend wasn't nearly this bad, but he was also abusive (emotionally, mostly, but never called me the names my husband now calls me) and cheated on me. I just always wonder if it is something about me that either attracts me to these abusive situations, hinders me from leaving when I should, or causes the abuse to happen. I keep wondering if I am the common denominator.

Katiekate

The behaviors of others are most certainly not your fault, that is all about them. Why you would try to take responsibility for their behaviors, as I have in the past, is all about my own co-dependency. Now I look back and wonder who was that woman in that relationship and feel so thankful for my recovery.

FeelingGreat

HI SW, your life does seem awful right now, never knowing what you'll be coming home to and walking on eggshells in case you set him off. I'm sure this isn't what you pictured for your marriage and future.
It sounds like his drinking is exacerbating an underlying mental condition. Even sober he would have to deal with that as well. An intervention might get him back to rehab, but he has a long way to go with treatment of his depression and other problems.
Don't feel you have to apologise for telling his parents. Considering what he's put you through, he should be apologising to you.
A's thrive in secrecy and many spouses actively co-operate in covering up. The last thing he wants is others to know what's going on because he might be under pressure to stop drinking. He doesn't want to do that.
All the best. You've planned what you can, and have support and I hope the outcome is what you're looking for.

LexieCat

You didn't cause the abuse--it doesn't work that way. It's never the victim's fault.

It IS worth considering whether you are overlooking red flags that might appear early on. Many abusers are overly attentive or jealous, which can seem flattering. It's also worth examining why you don't leave as soon as someone begins treating you badly. None of this makes it your fault, but it might help you avoid future bad relationships or end them more quickly.

ScaredWife29

Thank you. I guess I am afraid to be alone and he has provided financial support and is someone who I can go to places with. He is often kind, too. It is so hard to reconcile the person who can be so nice and giving to me with the troubled person who snaps at me over everything and calls me such awful names. I am just afraid to be alone and maybe stayed because I was hoping he would get better. But maybe there isn't that magic lightbulb moment. You are right that he probably has an underlying mental condition. He told me early on that he was diagnosed with Aspergers a child, but I think that may have been a misdiagnosis because he does not seem to have that. I think he may suffer from depression that is unrelated to me. And maybe living together and taking this big step of marriage is bringing a lot of that out. He doesn't deal well with emotions and he lashes out. I stayed and still stay because I believed I could help him and because I don't want someone to be unlovable just because they have a mental condition or emotional issues. I know logically, though, that unless he gets help, he can't be a good partner and things will progressively get worse. He is so kind and charming and plans for our future at certain times, while flipping a switch when angry and becoming incredibly cruel at others. It is hard to reconcile. He keeps saying he wants to divorce me, and yet he plans for future things with me and we recently bought a mattress.

I am afraid to be alone and afraid I will never love anyone else the same way. I am also incredibly sentimental and the memories and the "what ifs" and "could have beens" will haunt me for a long time to come

ScaredWife29

Thank you. I guess I am afraid to be alone and he has provided financial support and is someone who I can go to places with. He is often kind, too. It is so hard to reconcile the person who can be so nice and giving to me with the troubled person who snaps at me over everything and calls me such awful names. I am just afraid to be alone and maybe stayed because I was hoping he would get better. But maybe there isn't that magic lightbulb moment. You are right that he probably has an underlying mental condition. He told me early on that he was diagnosed with Aspergers a child, but I think that may have been a misdiagnosis because he does not seem to have that. I think he may suffer from depression that is unrelated to me. And maybe living together and taking this big step of marriage is bringing a lot of that out. He doesn't deal well with emotions and he lashes out. I stayed and still stay because I believed I could help him and because I don't want someone to be unlovable just because they have a mental condition or emotional issues. I know logically, though, that unless he gets help, he can't be a good partner and things will progressively get worse. He is so kind and charming and plans for our future at certain times, while flipping a switch when angry and becoming incredibly cruel at others. It is hard to reconcile. He keeps saying he wants to divorce me, and yet he plans for future things with me and we recently bought a mattress.

One good thing is that he is going to see a psychiatrist on Friday morning (the intervention is in the afternoon).

I am afraid to be alone and afraid I will never love anyone else the same way. I am also incredibly sentimental and the memories and the "what ifs" and "could have beens" will haunt me for a long time to come

Ladybird579

I am afraid to be alone and afraid I will never love anyone else the same way.

I felt like you but eventually I came to realise I was already alone. My abusive exah never loved me. No one could treat me like he did and pretend it was love. His drinking was separate to his abuse but exacerbated by it. He loved his drink. It was and still is the be all and end all of his life and he has lost everyone cos of it. After I left I felt unlovable, worthless and worn down. I came to understand I needed to love myself in order for others to love me. It's been a steep learning curve but 3 years on I am happy alone. I do things that make ME happy. I pay attention to me instead of him. I lost weight, took up hobbies I'd never time for and made new friends. Hopefully you won't love someone else the same way. It hasn't worked out well for you. At some point you will be able to love someone a different way..if you want too. You may come to enjoy being single. ( when I was told that on here I thought they were nuts lol) Being with someone does not mean you are not alone. I think you are seeing that to a certain extent.

My take on this is the same as many other posters. Get out of there and don't look back. He is dangerous and it is not your job to fix him.

CaptainM

Hi ScaredWife. You've received, and will continue to receive, really strong and wonderful advice from people who have been there, done that. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER than what you're settling for right now. You can do this, one step at a time and we'll help you however we can.

I am about your same age and left my soon to be X AH in the fall. You're not alone here. I totally get the "stigma about divorce" you referenced, but others are right - there really isn't. In fact someone told me something that I found sad/funny/true "you're not the first and you won't be the last." Divorce happens every day - for a range of reasons. I got to a point where I'd rather be alone than wish I was alone. Also - I found that taking a break from Social Media to be really helpful!

I'm also happy to hear you're in therapy for yourself. One thing my therapist told me that has resonated deep within me is that once you regain your confidence, the answers will become clear. This has been so true for me. It doesn't happen overnight, but each day you focus more on yourself your confidence will return.

Hugs to you from one 20/30 something to another. There's so much life left to live and we deserve to be happy.... not wrapped up in someone else's drama.

Oh! and the serenity prayer helps me a lot
Higher Power, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

aasharon90

In continuing from my last post I wanted to
add a few more thoughts after reading your
posts.

I understand worry and fear of the future. With
how I would financially survive by myself if I was
to ever divorce my husband of 25 yrs together.

We married in 82 had 2 beautiful children and
I entered recovery in 90 after about a 10 year
alcohol addiction. I became a stay at home mom
because that was what I always wanted to do
and be.

Yes we had bumps in our 25 yrs, but we hung
on with me in recovery and him a normal man
with no substance addiction.

When the children grew, matured going
into college our little nest became empty
and I began to do small jobs outside the
home to fill in the void while my husband
was devoted to his own job.

We are originally from Baton Rouge
but relocated to Houston when the
kids were young with a job transfer
and better school and opportunities.

That part of the move was positive
all the way around except I absolutely
didn't not like being away from my
hometown where I longed for familiarity
and my recovery support system/family.

For me, I gave it my best while living
in Houston, but my heart longed to
return home to B. R., La. So after the
kids went off to college I began applying
for a bank teller position, one I was doing
before I got married.

In applying I knew I was ready to leave
the marriage, not because of abuse or
anything like that, but felt we were
just living on different plains. Women
from Venus. Men from Mars kinda
thing.

Anyway....for yrs as I had contemplated in
wanting to exit the marriage I always wondered
how would I financially support myself since
I was always dependent on my husband for
so long.

Then I recalled how I left home at 18 into
my own apt with a full time job in sales before
becoming a bank teller supporting myself
financially till marriage.

I had no problem thinking about living
alone and possibly living on a sales job
or possibly a teller. However, it had been
yrs since I had been a teller and I knew
banking was more computerized than
it was back in the 70's and 80's which
would be a concern because I wasn't all
that smart with it.

Anyway...I applied in Houston with no
success until I got a nibble at the same
bank company I was at yrs ago. So, my
husband came with me to Baton Rouge
for the interview where I was accepted.

Emmediately he helped me find an apt.,
get transferred with furniture and pets
from Houston and settled in a few weeks
before starting my new job.

We both knew that the marriage was
over and I was happy to finally be independent
and on my own strong and secured for once
in my 25 yr marriage.

All those fears I once had was just that
because I did the footwork and followed
thru using my recovery guideline and my
Faith, I was and have always been taken
care of no matter what.

Abuse, I also understand because I am
an adult child of a sick parent growing
up and I survived it and have become
strong because of it.

Abuse, no matter if it is verbal, physical,
emotional whatever it is is not acceptable.
I don't care if the person is sick or not,
help is always available and we have a
voice to stand strong to against it.

We don't need to remain victim or held
hostage to someone abusive and sick.
Today there is so much awareness of
abuse and so much knowledge and help
available to all involved.

No one ever need to deal with any kind
of abusive behavior alone or by themselves.

With you coming here to SR or picking
up the phone calling for help, you are now
armed with tools and knowledge to protect
yourself from future abusive danger.

You don't have to live with it one more
day of your life. Stay strong, take care
of yourself, pray for those still sick even
if its a loved one.

When one person in the family is sick
with addiction or any other kind of illness,
it affects everyone involved. In marriage
we take those vows for better or worse,
thru sickness and health, but it would take
everyone to learn and heal together unless
violence and abuse is involved.

Whatever you decide down the road will
strengthen you but don't let it break
you down. Stay strong and focused on what
will be best for you.

To conclude my story, we did divorce peacefully
and both of us have remarried. Me 9 yrs living
a healthy, happier, honest, 26 yrs sober awesome,
life I could never have imagined in all my dreams
all because of Faith and a recovery program I
chose to live my life with one day at a time.

ScaredWife29

I am so happy that you have found happiness alone and I hope that I can get to that point, too, if I decide to leave him. The fear and uncertainty of the future is the thing that is most scary for me right now. You are right - I feel so alone with him often and it js one of the most hurtful feelings, as I pretend to everyone that I am happy.

ScaredWife29

Thank you so much, CaptainM! I am sorry to hear you are / were going through a similar situation. What helped you find the strength to leave? Getting divorced at 29 / 30 is so strange because it seems that most of our cohort are starting to get engaged and married and settling down. It feels so destabilizing to be one of the first of my friends to get married and to also get divorced... it feels awful contemplating going back to stage 0 (I know that is not a healthy way to think of this and I know that with time, my perspective will change). I also feel my biological clock ticking for kids, even though I know I am still very young. I feel overwhelmed by the thought of being divorced and single again on the verge of my 30s and living on the opposite side of the country from my family in a large, lonely metropolitan city while juggling a new and highly demanding job. Hopefully I will someday look back at this and smile or laugh.

But yes, how did you find the strength to walk away?

ScaredWife29

Thank you so much for your perspective! It really helps to see the perspective of all sides and to know that there is life and hope after a divorce, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

aliciagr

I know you havent been married long, but caught in one of your posts that his family said you might need to move out of the house for a while while he gets help. Was this his house that you moved into? Or one that you bought together? Something doesnt sit right with their statement in my opinion.

I went to stay with a relative for a while and it was sort of like you described you would need to do. It wasnt a lot of fun and I only did it because he was completely unstable and not safe to be around. He wouldnt have left the house and left me alone at that point. Trying to make him leave would have escalated his bad behavior and probably got the legal system involved. It wasnt worth it to me .

ScaredWife29

Just a general update:

I called the domestic violence hotline at lunch today (upon the suggestion of some of the forum members) and it was really helpful. I will call them again if I feel scared or need more opinions. The person on the line listened, was supportive, told me it sounds like a dangerous situation, and recommended that I give him space all of next weekend to gather his thoughts and decide what he wants to do. I'm going to let him contact me, and I hope to hear from his mother about how it went.

I also spoke to my aunt again, who said I can stay with her for as long as needed while I figure out my future, whether that is trying to find a new place or staying with her while he goes to rehab (if he chooses to go).

I am still very scared about his reaction once he finds out I told his parents. I am also very heartbroken that these may be the last couple of days we have together, as he may decide to leave me immediately upon finding out that I told his parents. I will try to hug him more and be nicer and sweeter these next couple of days. I am beyond heartbroken that I am in this situation with someone I am in love with and with whom I exchanged vows of forever less than a year ago.

ScaredWife29

We rent an apartment together and are both on the lease. His mother suggested that I might need to find another place to live while he goes to rehab if it is an outpatient rehab, as living with him might cause him to get triggered again. She suggested that I am one of his triggers.

I talked to my aunt about it today and she said I am free to stay with her for as long as needed. The only issue is that she has a full house already and the only space she has for me is a second bed in her room. I would feel terrible to impose on her and stay with her for more than a couple weeks or a month like that.

I hope I can figure out my situation too. This is causing me enormous amounts of stress.

What happened in your situation? Did your alcoholic SO get help and did you stay together afterwards?

LexieCat

Good for you, for making that call. The people who do that work are, indeed, fantastic. Don't hesitate to call them again. And if you called the Hotline, someone at your local shelter will be more familiar with the laws in your jurisdiction, which might be important if you need a protective order or want to discuss what's involved in getting one. Advocates ROCK.

And don't get too carried away being "extra sweet" to him. It's not like you're taking a puppy back to the pound. You're not being selfish or hard-hearted. Looking out for your own welfare is never "mean".

aliciagr

Interventions dont have to be like you see on that tv show Intervention., You can go about it saying you will walk out if he doesnt do this or this and he must decide right now, but you can also approach someone from more of a place of love and concern and offer to help with treatment and options. It really depends on how you all go about things, and he will respond to the way its done. I wish you luck with it. Hope it has a good outcome but it could get violent based on what you described, so be safe above all else.

LexieCat

Um, no, that's not how it's gonna work. First of all YOU aren't a "trigger" for anything. If she's so concerned about his welfare SHE can pay rent for a place for him. Sounds like she expects you to rent another apartment, when you're already legally on the hook for one. IF he refuses to leave, and you want to be apart, see a lawyer before signing another lease. At the very least, he should agree to have the original lease put in his name only, assuming the landlord agrees.

aliciagr

My husbands parents were involved (similar to what you describe in your situation). There was an argument and physical contact between them at one point and they called the police and filed a complaint against him. He was under the influence when the police showed up. So long story short, he was required to get treatment and filing of charges was suspended. We rushed him into a rehab and he hated it and did poorly and left. was very angry. But in the end, he did end up with a good addiction doctor and began doing therapy and it helped him. Charges were never filed and the judge applauded his therapy work. thankfully no criminal record. I never left home again but we did live as roommates in the house for a period of time while we worked on our marriage. Oh and I got into therapy too because he was physically abusive to me.. I talked to DV also early on, looked into various helps but ended up just sticking with therapy for myself. We are doing good now but are still working on things. He was using both drugs and alcohol. has some emotional issues he continues to work on, but no diagnosis of mental illness.