Alcoholic Husband and Intervention - In need of advice

Old 03-07-2017, 11:40 AM
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Alcoholic Husband and Intervention - In need of advice

Hi everyone, this is my first post on this site and I am in desperate need of advice and support. My husband of almost a year (we have been together for 4 years) is an alcoholic. We are both in our late 20s. I am planning an intervention soon and I need advice. Please read the background and intervention plan below:

Background:

My husband and I have been married for less than a year (about 10 months) and he is an alcoholic. We were together for over 3 years before we got married and were engaged for 15 months. We also lived together for over a year before we got married. I didn't fully know he was an alcolic until October 2016 (5 months ago), when we had already been married for almost half a year. However, last February 2016 (about 2-3 months before our wedding), my husband started acting erratically when I came home after he was alone for more than a few hours. He would stumble, slur his words, get really irritable, and eventually started getting very verbally abusive. He would call me a monster, ugly, stupid, the most terrible person ever, unworthy of love, etc. He also started acting psychotic unexpectedly. He would accuse me of the craziest things, like conspiring with the neighbors to spy on him or having horrible motives against him. He even once punched a hole in our door during one of his fits. I asked if he was drinking and he vehemently denied it. At that point, our wedding was only a few months away and everything had been planned and paid for and the invites were all out. I chalked it up to wedding planning stress and decided to get married to him anyway. We had been living together for a year at that point and had been together for a few years and I thought I knew him well.

After the wedding, the verbal abuse continued (even once during the honeymoon). When we got back from the honeymoon, he would once again act erratic and psychotic after he was alone for a few hours. He continued to vehemently deny that he had been drinking. I was so confused and had no idea what was happening. We started couples counseling in June 2016 and it was not helpful. He started seeing a psychiatrist but only went to one or two sessions before stopping. It got really bad and this kept happening every week for the next several months.

Then, one night in early October 2016, he told me had something to tell me. He told me that he HAD been drinking all those months and had been hiding it. He said he was very sorry and he never wanted to drink again. He said this because he was having a really bad withdrawal (he had drunk heavily the day before but did not drink that day and his body was withdrawing from it; he was shaking and his hands were clammy) and he was worried he would die. I stayed up all night to make sure he didn't have to go to the ER. He has a history of alcoholism in his family (aunts, cousins, and maybe even his mom, who has not touched a drop of alcohol in 2 decades). He also used to drink an inordinate amount of alcohol in his college days and early to mid-20's, but all socially, so I guess it was more acceptable. Now, he always drinks alone. When he finally admitted to me and stopped lying, it felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulder because I finally knew what was going on. Little did I know that my troubles were only beginning.

We talked about it in couples counseling the next week and he admitted he was an alcoholic and he started an outpatient rehab program for about 2 months, several nights a week (until January 2017). He didn't end up finishing his rehab program (he quit the last week of it) because he was convinced that the other alcoholics were much worse than him (he has a successful job and hasn't gotten a DUI) and he didn't need rehab or AA and he would just stop drinking and could do it on his own. The very next week, he started drinking again and heavily playing video games (he also has a video game addiction, but that is another matter). 2 weeks later, after a weekend where he drank a whole bottle of vodka (17 shot equivalents) over 2 days, he once again had a bad withdrawal and he promised himself and I that he would not drink. He didn't have much of an action plan except he planned to call and tell his parents about his alcoholism so he would have more people to keep him accountable and he would start going to AA. He never called his parents and he went to one AA meeting before starting to drink again. At first he rationalized it as only drinking beer and only having 2 beers at a time. Within a few weeks, he was back to drinking 6+ beers in a night and also drinking hard liquor again.

The situation has gotten untenable. If he is home alone for any stretch of time, he will drink and I will come home to him being very verbally abusive. He also often picks a fight and leaves to get a hotel room (he never tells me where he is going) just so he can drink some more. He has done this countless times (at least 15 times in the past 6 months alone). Even if I am super nice and get him dinner and am nothing but sweet, he will start emotionally abusing me and will go get a hotel for the night when he is drunk (just so he can drink more). It has gotten to the point that I can no longer make plans and go out with friends because I am too afraid to leave him alone because he will drink. It is inevitable. My life is being destroyed. I am a very social and outgoing person, and I feel like I cannot have a life anymore because he will drink if he is alone. He also works at home one day a week so he inevitably will get drunk that day and I come home to him being very drunk and mean. He constantly tells me he wants to divorce me and I am the cause of his drinking. I have been to some al anon meetings, but it had made me feel more hopeless seeing how miserable alcohol makes other loved ones of alcoholics.

I am only 29 years old. This is not the life I want to live, but I do love him so much and wish he would stop doing this to himself and me. I want to have kids someday (my plan is to have them in my mid-30s) and I also have a high-powered career and want to be successful and happy in life. His alcoholism, denial, epiphanies, and relapses are really dragging me down and taking over my life. I have had to get individual therapy due to the stress and pain from this situation and have been seeing a therapist for about a year. Even if he does get sober, he could always relapse and there is always that fear. I don't want to look back at my life in 10, 20, 30, 40, or hell 50 (because this is how young I am while dealing with this) years and regret it. I love him and made a vow and want to help him, but I do not want to throw my life away in the process.

Intervention:

A few weeks ago, I came home after he was working at home for the day. I got him dinner and was very sweet to him. He was drunk when I got home and he yelled at me, verbally abused me, and went to get a hotel room. The next morning, he came back and apologized to me and said he needs to see a psychiatrist because he is probably clinically depressed. He made an appointment (it is supposed to be this Friday; he said the psychiatrist didn't have an earlier appointment).

Then, 2 weeks later (this past Friday), I once again came home to him being very drunk. I had gotten him dinner and was very nice to him. He once again got mad for no reason, verbally abused me, yelled at the top of his lungs at me, and went to get a hotel room (he had gotten a hotel room last Tuesday as well). He always cabs to the hotels and thankfully does not drive while drunk (as far as I know). At that point, my heart broke. At the advice of my family and a few friends (who know about the situation), I called his parents and told them all about his alcoholism and behavior. I feel bad that I went behind his back to tell them without his knowledge, but I felt I had no choice. He had said some suicidal things earlier in the week and I was very concerned. This situation is not sustainable and it is only getting worse. My family urged me to tell his parents about the situation, in case it got worse. I agreed - if he did something to himself or someone else while drunk, I would never be able to forgive myself for not telling his parents.

His parents were deeply upset to hear about his alcoholism and were very supportive of me. His mother, who has a lot of knowledge about alcoholism because she has been dealing with her alcoholic sister for decades, told me that I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I can't cure it (the 3 C's). Together, we came up with a plan to stage an intervention for him. The intervention is supposed to be this week and they said they would try to bring an AA professional to it as well. They live several hours away and will drive here for it and it will surprise him. I am so happy his parents support me and want to help him. I couldn't have asked for better in laws to have in this situation. But I am afraid he will feel betrayed that I told them and will be defensive and very upset. I know that if I were in his situation and the roles were reversed, I would want him to involve my parents, especially if I had remotely wanted to tell them about it in the past, and it was a matter of life and health. But he likely won't see it that way and he may turn on me and hurt me for this. He hasn't ever physically hurt me, but he has punched a hole in our door and has also gotten frighteningly close to my face with a really contorted, angry face as recently as yesterday (and this was while sober, but I know heavy alcohol use has long-lasting effects on the brain and mood, even while the person is sober).

Also, after I planned this intervention, the next day, my husband (who does not yet know that I told his parents) once again regretted drinking and said he would get help. He has said this several times before and never followed through. I can't believe him anymore. I know this intervention may be necessary for him to have more support around his sobriety. My heart breaks every time he relapses after having an epiphany.

Logistically, how do effective interventions work? I am so scared and worried about this and the future. He has put me in a terrible position. My family lives across the country and I have only my aunt and a few friends here. I feel scared. He has depression, anger issues, alcoholism, and is very volatile when upset. This isn't who I thought I married. We had the most beautiful wedding ceremony and reception last year and I was so excited for the rest of our lives and our "always and forever." Alcohol is ruining everything.

Any suggestions or advice? I feel so broken. Thank you in advance for your support!
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Old 03-07-2017, 11:57 AM
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hello and welcome. very sorry for what brings you here.

in order for an intervention to have any chance for success, all parties need to be on board with the actions and consequences they will take IF the alcoholic refuses treatment. it should ONLY be handled by a trained professional, who can remain neutral and unemotional.

you are right. he is not the man you thought you married. he deceived you. he is abusive, psychotic and volatile. while you don't want to hear this i'm sure, you likely have grounds to get the marriage annulled. that may be your only option in order for YOU to have a happy addiction free life. you are in danger of being physically hurt. if you have this intervention, and he says NO, i would NOT go back home with him. he's already punched holes in things and come "dangerously" close to your face. his rage may be uncontrollable.

please give strong consideration to what you are really dealing with here and the level of danger you are in.
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Old 03-07-2017, 12:01 PM
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Stay safe. Get to a safe place- where he is not. He needs to deal with his addiction. He uses you as his carer. Once safe and he shows signs of improvement? You do not want to become co-dependent.
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Old 03-07-2017, 12:10 PM
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Interventions like you see on TV are not usually successful. The ones on TV are done with a professional interventionist - someone who has been trained and who works closely with the rehab into which the addict will be placed at the time of the intervention. Many hours of family therapy precede those TV intervention attempts. The rehab is already lined up and paid for. The family has to be 100% on board with hard boundaries.

AA doesn't do this. It could be that an AA member will talk to him outside of the intervention, but pretty doubtful that any AA member would lay down ultimatums or even be at an intervention like you see on TV. AA is about attraction, not promotion. It's more like church than rehab. Members are not paid and no one shows up at interventions to run things. There are no "AA Professionals." AA members know that it has to be the addict's idea and that attempts at controlling an addict are futile.

This is a touchy thing, and especially with a violent man like your husband. I would call a Domestic Violence hotline and make a plan to get out long before I would be worrying about an intervention. You are in danger.
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Old 03-07-2017, 12:28 PM
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Hi, and welcome.

I've worked in the field of domestic violence professionally for a very long time, and abuse and alcoholism are two SEPARATE issues. Even if the abuse becomes worse when someone is drinking, abuse generally comes from a sense of entitlement--that he has the right to control you and what you do. I seriously doubt you are going to achieve your admirable goals for your life as long as you are married to this man.

Interventions are exactly as the others described--conducted by professionals, and not AA members (who are willing to talk with someone who is willing to listen, but won't force any issues).

I'd put any thoughts of this imminent intervention on hold for now, and make your first call to your local women's shelter or to the National Domestic Violence Hotline to talk with an advocate. The advocate won't try to force you to do anything you're not ready to do, but she can help you assess the level of danger you might be in, help you work up a safety plan, and discuss your options to escape the violence.

Even if he's "only" been verbally abusive to this point, verbal abuse often escalates to physical abuse.

Please take care of your own safety first.
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Old 03-07-2017, 12:43 PM
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August 10th wee hours of the morning I
rolled in from a club under the influence
of alcohol, had another argument with
husband then told him I would just leave
this world and his response was to just
go to sleep.

When he left the room I grab a bunch
of pills downed with alcohol and off to
bed I went never giving thought to my
kids last day of bible school that day.

Never thinking about the consequences
of my actions and how it would affect my
family.

That morning, my 2 babies, 3 and 6 tried
to wake me without success. Then, in a
far distance I heard a bell ringing which
in turn was my phone ringing next to my
bed.

I awoke, grabbed the phone with my
motherinlaw asking where I was with
the kids. My response was with a slurred
voice barely able to speak then hearing
her yelling for me to get up and out of
the bed.

So I did, staggering to the bathroom to
throw up as much as I could that was in
my system so I could get moving.

Before I knew it my husband was home
trying to haul me to the car to take me
to the hospital to get my stomach pumped
but fought him off with every ounce of
strength I could till he backed off.

Before I knew it the house was quiet.

Then not long after that there was
2 officers in my kitchen as my husband
told me that they were there to take me
to the hospital to get evaluated for my
state of mind and taking those pills.

I didn't have much choice at that moment
before I was escorted by the officers to the
back seat of their car. To get there I had to
to first pass both my father in law and husband
as they stood at the back door. In passing both of
them, I glared at them both and told them with
so much hatred in my voice and daggers in my
eyes that I hated them both and off I walked.

After getting in the car, I felt so much anger,
resentment, like a common criminal, yet
vunerable to where I wouldn't hurt a flee.

No little ol me.

After I arrived, where, I had no idea, i
did speak to a phyciatrist and they wanted
to keep me over night for further evaluation
the next day.

I was scared, yet I did what was asked of me
as I prepared for the night. After eating supper,
I remember walking around where other
patients were feeling sad and scared as I
watched them shuffle across the floor, mumbling,
hugging the wall....just sad....and thinking that
I surely wasnt that far gone as they were.

Sure enough, the next day I passed all their
test given and was told I just had a drinking
problem or in other words, addiction to a
toxic substance, alcohol.

Whew, I said to myself. So the next step
was that they wanted me to remain in
rehab for 2 weeks learning about my
addiction and receive a program of recovery
I would learn to incorporate in all my
affairs once I returned home.

Those first 2 weeks I learning, getting
the fog cleared and opening my mind to
healthier ways to live my life without the
dependency of alcohol.

At home, my husband removed all the
alcohol out of the home and my kids were
both being taken care of so I could focus
on the task at hand in rehab.

2 weeks came and they told me my time
was up but was not ready to return home
because they believed I would surely drink
again and wanted to send me to a halfway
house further away from my babies for 6
weeks.

I begged with them to let me stay were I
was and would do whatever I needed to
do to complete a 28 day instay with a 6
week outpatient aftercare program before
I was released and they did, thank God.

August 11, 1990 was my first full day
sober and is still my sobriety birthday
some 26 yrs later.

I took what they taught me and did
what ever I needed to do all to the best
of my sober ability to get off that merry
go round of addiction insanity and made
some healthy changes in my life one day
at a time to get me where I am today.

Healthy, Happy, Honest and Free of my
addiction to alcohol.

This is my experience with rehab and
am one of many who have found success
in living a life of recovery and hope it
will be of some help to you.

It was my family who sought help for
me when I wasn't capable of getting the
help I so desperately needed in my life
at that time.

For them, I am grateful because without
their help I'm sure I would have continued
on killing myself if not succeeded by now
as sad it may sound.

Alcoholism, addiction is a sickness, illness,
disease that affects everyone involved.
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Old 03-07-2017, 12:50 PM
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Great advice here please listen. You need to have plans in place, not just people in place. As was mentioned, what facility will he immediately go to this weekend after the intervention should he agree? What about his job and a medical leave of absents? Insurance? A lot of things need planning first, before all of your words. What are your own ultimatums and are you fully prepared to carry them out? Are you prepared to leave, do you have some place else you can stay? What about finances, a lease/mortgage, monthly expenses? Will you manage them on your own?

He has a history of sayings words……he knows he’s an alcoholic, he knows he needs help YET he’s not grabbed on long enough to any of opportunity don’t be surprised if he doesn’t want the help after the intervention but be very prepared for the anger, the hostility and rage.

Your safety is first and foremost, please take that seriously! Also please go back to al-anon and please stick around here even if you “feel” there is no hope for him or the marriage there is so much hope and a happy future for you, if you allow it.
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Old 03-07-2017, 12:50 PM
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I'm in agreement with everyone else - I'd pull the plug on the Intervention and focus on educating myself about addiction to clarify exactly what I was dealing with here. Rushing too quickly into your next steps could equate to an escalation in his anger/violence & use when he finds out. It's important to understand for instance, that his video game addiction & alcohol addiction ARE related, not separate issues they way it may seem on the surface.

Addiction is so much more than the person's drug of choice - in fact, it's hardly ever about the substance itself & always about finding ways to numb ourselves away from the realities & stresses of life. Many people suffer cross addictions - alcohol, drugs, sex, food, gambling, gaming, workaholism.... it all stems from the same basic dysfunction.

Interventions also rely heavily on the participants' willingness to follow through with whatever tough-love approach they agree on ahead of time. If it's something you are determined to go through with, make sure you understand what boundaries you intend to verbalize ahead of time, make sure you are READY to do what you say & walk your talk. If there are no boundaries or ultimatums issued during the Intervention then it's just a discussion, not an intervention at all. Are you prepared to insist on a specific course of treatment or recommend a facility or program for him to start immediately? It's important to know ahead of time what your expectations around all of this are & exactly what your Plan B is for if/when he doesn't see it the same way. Do you just go back to the same ole, same ole? Are you willing to move out until he's ready to commit to sobriety? Logistically, interventions have a very low long-term success rate from everything that I've read. I would really, really suggest not wasting your time.
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Old 03-07-2017, 12:52 PM
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Dump this man and run. You are in for a world of pain, chaos and insanity if he is unwilling to quit drinking. Even if he is, he may not embrace full recovery and may wind up being a dry drunk. Anvilhead is right. Leave him now while you still have your sanity. Have your marriage annulled and move on with your life. I cannot stress this enough.
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Old 03-07-2017, 01:51 PM
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I would also have major red flags going up as to all the nights spent in hotel rooms--are you certain that is where he is going and if he is alone? I say this from experience, my STBXAH started a pattern of leaving to "get away" from the stress & I never thought about him being with anyone else (who would have him in that state?) Boy, was I wrong. I'm only saying this for your protection--you don't need to add an STD to the chaos and heartache. Praying for you!
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Old 03-07-2017, 03:06 PM
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My husband was also volatile when he was drinking & using drugs. Its good you know to leave when you feel threatened.

I think an intervention is a good idea. But I will say that I would not leave this just to relatives who are in AA and think this might be all he needs is a rehab and induction into that program. I would be leary of an intervention unless you have worked out a proper treatment, and check with insurance issues and all that stuff.

Do research on rehabs in your area, outpatient and inpatient. I suggest looking for one that has a medical component and uses therapy as the core treatment, Look for one that can handle dual diagnosis because some of what your saying could be just alcohol or could be also something more severe mixed in like bipolar.

My husband did poorly when put in inpatient rehab and he was forced to go along with AA program. He ended up leaving and since found help by doing therapy. But inpatient can be good for a person to get some distance and be removed from the presence of alcohol.

You need to live. I love my husband and we are working on our relationship since he is now in therapy and stable. But I couldnt stay if he continued in the crazy, unpredictable, threatening, abusive way that it was for a while.

But there is a lot of help out there, but look for medical professionals first who can help figure out what is going on. He can always end up going to meetings if he chooses but I wouldnt put all my eggs in that basket with the severity of signs like suicidal threats, and previous failed attempts in AA.

Please be careful and know there is hope for him, and for you. But it may be a rough journey. You cant lose yourself and become weak. You will serve yourself, and him the best if you are sure to care for yourself so you can always think rationally, even when he cant.

Its good you do have lots of family support just dont let them snowball things, make sure your insights are heard and respected.
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Old 03-07-2017, 04:39 PM
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This.

This guy is a danger, liability, and needs to get his sh@t together.

You say you want kids? Imagine having kids with him - he will be no help but impediment. Even if he is sober - you will always be wondering if he is driving your babies around drunk. And he is abusive and violent.

This is in his current state. Alcoholics do recover, most through series of sobriety and relapses.

Where do you want to be in 5 years?

IMO - interventions don't work. He needs to be placed in hands of higher power.

Originally Posted by NewRomanMan View Post
Dump this man and run. You are in for a world of pain, chaos and insanity if he is unwilling to quit drinking. Even if he is, he may not embrace full recovery and may wind up being a dry drunk. Anvilhead is right. Leave him now while you still have your sanity. Have your marriage annulled and move on with your life. I cannot stress this enough.
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Old 03-08-2017, 01:40 AM
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Thank you for all your responses!

I am scared and did not even realize that this situation is that bad to have to potentially call the domestic abuse hotline I guess when you are in it yourself, you can't see all that clearly. This whole thing is weighing so much on me. And I just started a demanding and challenging job a few weeks ago. I am thrilled to be at this new job and it is going to be wonderful for my professional career progression, but it also takes a lot of my energy. Another thing is that I hoped to move back to my home state to be closer to my family and friends, but I will have to stay at this new job for at least a year or two before I can move on. I feel lonely where I currently live, on the opposite coast and thousands of miles away from most of my family and friends. I was hoping to wait to be able to move back home before I decided whether to divorce him, but the situation got so bad (the abuse, his suicide threats, etc) that I had to call his parents and tell them what was happening.

A part of me wants to tell him myself that I told his parents. I think a part of him might know that I have told them or would imminently tell them, based on some of his comments this week. I feel like he is going to feel so betrayed when he finds out I told them, and it may lessen the blow if I am the one to tell him instead of finding out when his parents show up at our door on Friday. But it may also lessen the impact of the intervention. I would also be afraid of him hurting me in that moment.

His parents still want to come and intervene on Friday. At this point, there is no asking them not to do that, even if I wanted to. They are determined. His mom is coming alone (she wants to do it the "kind" way and his dad has a tendency to blow a gasket over things) and is bringing an AA professional and asked that I not be there during the intervention. She also told me that we may have to live apart for a while if he does outpatient rehab and asked if I could move out for a month or two (I am not sure where I would go for that short a time; I do stay with my aunt sometimes, but their house is so full that I often sleep in a second bed in her bedroom and I hate encroaching on her personal space like that). Even though I feel cut out of the process, I am still glad I told his parents. They had to know and I don't regret that. I also couldn't deal with the heartbreaking cycle alone. It is up to them to figure out the details and see how professional or structured the intervention will be. It doesn't seem like I have much input anymore. I probably opened up Pandora's box. He will probably trash me to his parents and accuse me of things and begging them to help them divorce me.

I am afraid he will tarnish my reputation to his family out of spite, even though I know that should be the least of my concerns right now. That still worries me. I care what they think of me. And I still want to work on this marriage in a healthy way.

My plan is to pack up all my valuables today (Wednesday) and take them over to my aunt's place on Thursday and to go to work on Friday and straight to my aunt's place from there. I guess I will then wait to hear from my mother-in-law to see how it went or hear from him (I am pretty certain he will be livid).

He was very nice to me last night and apologized and said he wants to be better. My heart broke knowing that in just a few short days, he will know I told his parents. In some ways, he is not a good partner. He is verbally abusive, out of control when drunk and angry, and not entirely supportive (he gets upset at me for being stressed about stressful situations, while expecting me to listen to him vent and be supportive when he is stressing out). He also does have good qualities - generous, loyal (I doubt he would ever cheat, but some people would say he is 'cheating' on me with alcohol), funny, has similar views on morality and politics (though he often hates talking about serious issues), etc. I am still very much in love with him, even if he constantly yells at me and tells me he hates me and wants to leave me. Maybe I am codependent I have a low self-esteen (even though I carry myself well and act confident externally) and grew up in a somewhat unhealthy environment, so it is hard to know how to stand up for myself, especially in romantic relationships. I have only been with two people, an ex boyfriend for 3 years and my husband for 4 years. My ex cheated on me and constantly made me feel lower than him. My husband was relatively good to me until he became verbally abusive and heavily drank.

I know I didn't cause this, but I sometimes wonder if the stress of our relationship and marriage led him to drinking. But then again, no one is forced to drink. Even if our marriage caused him to drink, he chose to drink instead of deal with the issues in a healthy way. He chose to break his vows. He chose to abuse me. He is also pre-disposed to being an alcoholic. He has a strong family history of it and he heavily drank socially while in college and into his mid-20s. He has always had a lot to drink. I just have never dealt with alcoholism in my family or among my close friends, so I had no idea I had to be aware of the signs.

A part of me wants to move on and knows I could be happier with someone else who is more patient, kind, takes an interest in my interests, is more supportive, and who would never abuse me in any way and who is not alcoholic. That part knows this is not healthy. But I am also afraid to be alone. I am afraid of the judgments from people who were at my wedding or saw me post all the lovey dovey photos on facebook. I am afraid I will never find someone else and will miss him forever. I also am afraid to leave too soon without trying harder to help him. I know logically I can find someone else (I'm told I am beautiful, intelligent, educated, etc) and I know that the pain of heartbreak goes away (I don't even think about my ex bf anymore and he is ancient history), but this is still heartbreaking.

Also, how does one get a marriage of 10 months annulled? I read up a bit about it, but it looks like I would have to show he was too drunk / incapacitated to enter into the marriage. He was not drunk on our wedding day (even though I didn't know he was an actual alcoholic at the time, I knew he had a tendency to drink at social occasions and specifically asked him not to drink more than 2 drinks that day). Are there are other grounds for annulment?
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Old 03-08-2017, 03:08 AM
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You are doing the right thing by having your bags packed and ready to go. I would not worry what his family thinks of you because they are going to be able to see right through him. If they understand anything about alcoholism they are going to know he is going to try and blame everyone but himself. I am so glad you are getting out. I would look into an annulment as well. You have to do what is best and safest for you. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. We care...thoughts and prayers with you.
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Old 03-08-2017, 03:38 AM
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ScaredWife....A good idea to be elsewhere....as he is sure to be angry, if he refuses help. Even if he goes to a rehab facility, and you go back to the house...people can leave rehab, and, he could always show back up...angry...

This is why you should definitely get in touch with a worker at the dv center, and let them guide you in your decision making....Take all the help you can get...

I am curious....since you have been going to a therapist for a year, and you have been married for only 10 months...did the therapist ever ask you about abuse or talk to you about it?
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Old 03-08-2017, 04:23 AM
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Good Morning Scaredwife, I don't post often anymore but I do come to the forum and read and sometimes a story really hits me deep inside. Yours is one of those stories and I have to say that your situation sounds so scary. Your husband has a lot of work to do on himself , he has a long journey ahead , and chances are, if you stay , you will probably be a target of his rage and his violent , unacceptable behavior.

You also have a journey ahead of you, a journey of your own recovery , this forum is an excellent place for you to be, the members here care, they have incredible insight and experience , and I know they will be here for you for a long time if you want to do some of your recovery here. Sometimes when we are confused and scared it is best that we listen to and act on the loving experience of others.

Your situation sounds so intense and very dangerous, I think it is best that his parents are going to handle this, and what is important is that you are in a safe place to begin to focus on your own recovery so that you are able to move forward in your own life and realize that a relationship with this man will just continue to traumatize you, his recovery will be years and years in the making, if he so chooses, you have no control over it, but yours is right in the palm of your own hand and hopefully your priority.

You are a smart and wonderful woman and you deserve this time to recover and live the life that makes you happy. As co dependents one of the most difficult lessons we learn is that the only life we can change is our own, it's the greatest gift we can give ourselves.

Keep posting if you can, I know that the members here will be concerned and at the ready to help in anyway they can.
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Old 03-08-2017, 04:26 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
ScaredWife....A good idea to be elsewhere....as he is sure to be angry, if he refuses help. Even if he goes to a rehab facility, and you go back to the house...people can leave rehab, and, he could always show back up...angry...

This is why you should definitely get in touch with a worker at the dv center, and let them guide you in your decision making....Take all the help you can get...

I am curious....since you have been going to a therapist for a year, and you have been married for only 10 months...did the therapist ever ask you about abuse or talk to you about it?
Thank you very much. I am planning to call the DV hotline during my lunch break today to assess the level of danger I might potentially be in. I can't believe I am in this situation. I can't believe that it has come to this. Yes, my therapist does talk about abuse with me. She doesn't want to sway my decision either way, but she does tell me that I can leave and get help whenever I want.

I feel like this may be my fault, even though logically I know that no one can "cause" abuse. I had a lot of trust issues early on (my ex bf cheated on me and also abused me, plus I had a somewhat unhealthy environment growing up) and maybe my husband felt constrained or hurt by them. Maybe I expect too much from him and maybe I am too critical. I wish I could go back and be a better partner I know everyone tells me I didn't cause the abuse, but I can't help but feel guilty.

I am sure he will throw me under the bus and turn his parents against me and will likely leave me for me telling them. This situation is beyond awful and my heart breaks every day (and is starting to physically hurt as well).
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Old 03-08-2017, 04:50 AM
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There's no such thing as an "AA professional"--maybe it's some ACTUAL professional who works with alcoholics?

Believe me, you didn't cause any of this--the drinking, the abuse. Nobody knows what causes alcoholism, but it isn't stress. Some people seem to be alcoholic almost from their first drink, while others work up to it. But either way, it's not a result of a stressful environment.

I lived with my second husband for only about 10 months before we separated, and I divorced him the next year. He'd gone back to drinking after a BRIEF period of sobriety (following an incident where he almost died when his liver/kidneys shut down due to drinking). I'd been married to an alcoholic before, and knew enough about it to know I didn't want to go there again. There is no shame in admitting that things did not work out as you'd hoped. None. And how much better than to waste five or more years of your life dealing with fear and misery.

After you've gotten some guidance on safety issues, I strongly suggest you consult a lawyer. You need to know how to protect yourself legally/financially until you decided what you want to do. I wouldn't give up that great job if you can possibly help it. I don't know whose name is on the lease/deed of your home, but depending on where you live, you might be eligible for a protective order that would allow you to remain in the home while he has to go elsewhere. It would also prohibit him from having any contact with you. Just an option to keep in mind as you are thinking about what you want to do.

I'm glad you have an aunt nearby.

Try not to worry about what his family thinks. You're right--he may throw you right under the bus and claim you're crazy, there's nothing wrong with him. If he does, that tells you a whole lot about the prospects for a future with him right there.
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Old 03-08-2017, 05:03 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
There's no such thing as an "AA professional"--maybe it's some ACTUAL professional who works with alcoholics?

Believe me, you didn't cause any of this--the drinking, the abuse. Nobody knows what causes alcoholism, but it isn't stress. Some people seem to be alcoholic almost from their first drink, while others work up to it. But either way, it's not a result of a stressful environment.

I lived with my second husband for only about 10 months before we separated, and I divorced him the next year. He'd gone back to drinking after a BRIEF period of sobriety (following an incident where he almost died when his liver/kidneys shut down due to drinking). I'd been married to an alcoholic before, and knew enough about it to know I didn't want to go there again. There is no shame in admitting that things did not work out as you'd hoped. None. And how much better than to waste five or more years of your life dealing with fear and misery.

After you've gotten some guidance on safety issues, I strongly suggest you consult a lawyer. You need to know how to protect yourself legally/financially until you decided what you want to do. I wouldn't give up that great job if you can possibly help it. I don't know whose name is on the lease/deed of your home, but depending on where you live, you might be eligible for a protective order that would allow you to remain in the home while he has to go elsewhere. It would also prohibit him from having any contact with you. Just an option to keep in mind as you are thinking about what you want to do.

I'm glad you have an aunt nearby.

Try not to worry about what his family thinks. You're right--he may throw you right under the bus and claim you're crazy, there's nothing wrong with him. If he does, that tells you a whole lot about the prospects for a future with him right there.
Thank you so much for this advice and support generally. I definitely plan to keep my job and stay there as long as possible before I make the decision to move back to my home state. I hope to move back within a year or two, but for now I have to think of the short-term.

My husband has anger issues stemming from childhood to begin with. He was on anti-depressants by the age of 7 and it sounds like his whole childhood was troubled. He is extremely emotional and cannot stand anything sad or emotionally charged. He is a kind person when he is not mad, but he is frequently mad, so everything goes out the window.

Even though we have traveled and had our fun times, the past year has been utter hell. I gained 30 pounds since our wedding and it is very noticeable. My skin has broken out in acne like a pre-pubescent teenager's. My eyes are more sunken in and people have noticed I look really tired and different. But I still keep posting a ton of photos on facebook and no one except my family and the few close friends in the know could even begin to guess that this is happening.

I know I need to leave, but I am not completely financially secure and feel so alone here.

I think the intervention may make the decision for me and he may choose to leave me. He certainly threatens it several times a week. Hopefully his parents will understand that the trash he talks about me is coming from his alcoholism and anger.

I am glad you got out of your abusive marriages. I hate how stigmatized divorce is. And I feel like I will be a laughing stock for divorcing after just a year when I posted so many lovey dovey things.
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Old 03-08-2017, 05:09 AM
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Just to be clear, none of my relationships involved abuse. My first husband got sober the year before we got married, he never drank again, and we are still good friends. He's been sober 37 years. Our divorce had nothing to do with alcoholism--it was just a bad "fit." The second husband was kind and funny, but a seemingly-hopeless drunk who could not hold a job and was likely to die of alcohol-related causes. It was not a viable marriage.

And I think you are way overestimating the "stigma" of divorce. Most people barely think twice over whether someone is divorced. Your friends might initially be surprised because of what you posted, but EVERYONE puts their "best face" on Facebook. Don't ever believe everything people post about themselves and their lives is true.
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