suncatcher

Jaeger thank you ...I know you are probably right. Most of the time like now when I'm at his house I'm in my little room by myself taking a nap or on my phone. He's out there drinking and I'm not. I'm reaching that point too. Especially since things are getting worse.

suncatcher

I do spend more and more time not drinking with him ...I stay home while he stays at his house and drinks. Or I drink iced tea while he drinks his beer. Sometimes if I feel like having a beer I will have one Lord knows there is plenty in the fridge. But I do understand what you all are saying. It's not a good idea and I should not continue.

AnvilheadII

i wasn't talking about some random lung cancer patient waltzing into the smoking area asking for a light.....i was talking about a LOVED ONE diagnosed with a fatal illness.

here's the dilemma as i see it.....

one the one hand we are asking the person to STOP drinking, because it's killing them. we might go so far as to BEG them. we tell them on a regular basis what WE think about THEIR drinking and how much we want them to STOP.

to then turn around and drink with them is hypocritical.

remember back when i said i got into crack? that was with my current SO. i took a stand on quitting way before he did. I made a declaration of sorts - NO MORE, DONE, FINIS. i could not then in good conscience go back on my word. nor could i ever smoke HIM again, because i adamantly and passionately wanted him to stop.

few years later at one of his BD bashes, unbeknownst to me, he had "invited" our old dealer. and so at the party downstairs they were all doing lines. had my car not been blocked in the drive i would have left the premises. as it was, all i could do was stay upstairs away from the "fun" and NOT participate. (i will say i wasn't exactly meek and quiet about it either). just for me, i couldn't be ok with it. i couldn't participate in the very thing we'd fought so hard to get away from. and i could not stand to watch hank change before my eyes once he took that first line. geeked, tweeked and peeked. ugh.

suncatcher

Anvil I do get it. I would not smoke around a loved one such as my mom if she had lung cancer. I do not beg and plead with my a to stop drinking as I take a sip of my beer. I know he has been an alcoholic since before I met him. He's not going to stop until he himself wants to stop. I don't badger him or nag him about his drinking. I did say i think his skin issue is due to the drinking but that's all I've said. I've let it go. Hes been drinking since I said he was on beer number one earlier. I haven't had a beer with him today. Drinking coke and water and what you said earlier about the overweight thing I could stand to lose some weight. I enjoy food and do tend to eat more when I'm under stress. I wouldn't like someone constantly badgering about my weight while sharing a pepperoni pizza with me or a box of doughnuts. I do get what you are saying. I'm being honest about me drinking with him sometimes because I think it should be known. I'm not trying to put myself on a pedestal and say I'm this angel who never drinks and poor me is stuck with this alcoholic who drinks like a fish. That is not the case. He drinks sometimes I join him but lately I'm seeing that's not a good thing. It's a codependent alcoholic dance I'm in. I accept him for who he is he accepts me for who I am. In many ways we are good to each other but I know his alcohol intake will probably be the death of him and nothing I can do to change it. I've stopped worrying about it and stopped talking to him about it long ago until this morning when I mentioned it to him. I know there are things I need to figure out. I appreciate your thoughts and walking me through the process.

dandylion

suncatcher...I am not judging you!

To try to help you with your question (if I can...lol). You ask if your drinking with him is THE problem.... As I see it...in this particular situation, the sticky wicket is that you have a special relationship with him....caring about him a lot...
So, you may feel some guilt or complicity, if you ask him to try to quit and you drink with him.
If I were you (and, I am not)....this is what I might do...I would tell him that you feel like you are giving him "permission" and reinforcing his drinking by joining him.....so, from henceforth, you will play darts and drink coke,,,regardless of what everybody else is doing. It shouldn't bother you too much to pass up the beer. on those nights, since you are not an alcoholic. Yes, you might rather drink with the guys, but, this would be an effort because of how much you care..and, to keep your own conscience clear...
In a way, it is self care for yourself....

this is only an idea that I am spitballing with......

suncatcher

Dandy that is mostly what I do anyway with the occasional what the heck I may as well have one too beer lol. And I don't mention the drinking and explain why I'm not drinking. He would just shrug and keep on drinking. I'm not even trying to send a message to him by not drinking. It's really so far beyond that with him. I think some may have the idea that I am pleading with him to stop drinking while I continue to drink with him. I really don't talk to him about it. I talk to you all if I'm feeling crazy about things going on but as far as he knows I'm concerned about his skin and aware drinking is making it worse but other than that it's not an issue. But you do have a good point and I could opt to just stick to coke and iced tea all the time and not go for that what the heck attitude at all. Thank you for not judging. I do come clean with my actions as well as is and I expect I'll get feedback but that's what I'm here for. I know I'm a work in progress lol . Thank you for your thoughts

dandylion

suncatcher.....Actually, I was thinking about YOU....my suggestion was to keep your conscience clear...IF, it is , in fact bothering you.....I know that you aren't pleading with him.....
You have to be comfortable with yourself......and, only you know how you are feeling, or thinking, on this......

suncatcher

Oh im sorry dandy I thought you were saying I should tell him why I'm not drinking ...I'm sorry I got mixed up. Yes I understand now. I feel bad saying this but I really don't feel guilty for having the occasional beer while throwing some darts with the guys. Maybe I should? Or maybe subconsciously I do and that is why I stick to coke or tea most of the time. It is worth looking into. Right now he is buying me dinner but I'm driving to go get it since he's been drinking ...good thing I stuck to coke today I'm hungry! Lol I know here I go again going to get him food and probably enabling but it is ribs again thank you for your thoughts.

LexieCat

Drinking with him is a form of enabling. It's like picking up alcohol for someone who's an alcoholic. Yes, they could go buy their own--it's not as if they can't, or that by not buying it for them we are somehow preventing them from drinking. But WE don't have to be COMPLICIT in it.

Speaking of complicity, think about it this way (I was a prosecutor, so I know about "accomplice liability"). Suppose someone is standing next to you and there is a loaded gun between you. The person next to you gets very angry with a third party, and says, "Hand me the gun, so I can kill this m-f." Now, the person next to you is perfectly capable of picking up the gun himself and shooting the third party. He doesn't NEED you to hand him the gun. And, in fact, you believe he will shoot the third party, whether you hand him the gun or not.

You are under no legal obligation to stop him. If you don't lift a finger and he shoots the third party, you're in the clear, legally speaking. You haven't done anything to assist. OTOH, if you hand the other person the loaded gun, and he shoots the third party, you are liable as an accomplice--just as if you'd pulled the trigger yourself. Or if you said, "Yeah, shoot him," same thing. Encouraging the other party is a form of complicity, too. I've prosecuted people for encouraging someone else to commit a crime, even though they didn't participate directly, in the sense of handling the weapon or directly harming the victim.

This isn't a perfect analogy, obviously, but it's something to think about. Are you subtly saying, "It's OK, drink up," when you drink with him?

dandylion

LOL.....If you are comfortable with how things are, and how you are handling yourself....fine.....
lol...I was just trying to help you toss around your ideas....
You just need to be comfortable with you.....that's all

suncatcher

Yes Lexie I think I do see what you mean here. While I'm not ready to walk away from him I think choosing not to drink with him ...not even that occasional one ..is the right choice. And like Dandy said I can at least keep a clear conscience. It is part of the next transition. I detached now I can take another step by not drinking with him. I really didn't give it much thought before but since he is in bad shape ...worse than before.. I can see that drinking with him is not the caring thing to do for him or for myself. This is why I am honest and why I felt the need to say yes I do / have drank with him. I like coke and iced tea with extra lemon more than beer anyway thank you all. You have given me a lot to think about and I am not going to drink with him anymore. I won't have to explain why.

suncatcher

Dandy I do appreciate you tossing around ideas with me. You and Firesprite and Lexie and all the folks here have always offered good thoughts and advice to me. I am grateful for all of it I hope my last post didn't sound snarky I really didn't understand the first one and thought you were saying I should tell him why I wasn't drinking lol I'm just trying to digest all the ideas ..along with the ribs he got for dinner lol

suncatcher

We don't always realize all the ways we enable but when I stop and think...yep I do enable ...I wouldn't be here if I didn't. You all have been very helpful to me these past few days. I've taken something I needed to hear and think about from each response.

Ladybird579

No need to apologise. I do tend to shoot from the hip . I didn't feel attacked tho. I like a healthy debate and you made me think too.

Ladybird579

Have any of you drank with an alcoholic even if you yourself were not an alcoholic?

No judgement from me and yes I drank with my exah many times. Partly cos I figured if we were sharing he wouldn't drink so much but he just bought more. lol. He always drank way more and for way longer but the upshot of this was he didn't see he had a problem cos he didn't understand that I wasn't addicted and he was. It cleared the way for him to carry on cos in his mind he was the same as me. When I stopped drinking with him he moaned I was boring but he never stopped himself.

suncatcher

I think I was drinking with him for the same reasons, Ladybird. To hang out with him and share a beer or two as a way of connecting with him and hoping he would stop when I stopped but like you said he continued to drink long after I stopped and started way earlier. Its just losing its appeal all together. I can still enjoy his company without drinking but even that just isn't as fun anymore. I guess it will either run its course and I will stop spending as much time with him or will continue to visit him on occasion. It's kind of something I'm trying to decide.

dandylion

I think that in a relationship that is losing it's appeal in an intimate romantic kind of way...there is a line in the sand that we cross....when we realize that we are spending time with them...not because we feel drawn to---but, we feel we are obligated to.... We know, inside, when we feel it.....even if we don't admit it to o urselves.......