suncatcher

Ok I asked for this one.we are more than FWB we have been together for 10 years. We have been through a lot together. He lost his leg, I was in a car accident , we have been there for one another thru many ups and downs. our relationship isn't based on sex tho we sometimes engage if we both desire it and I do encourage him to shower because since he lost his leg and is a drunk he doesn't make showering a priority as often as he should. I on the other hand shower daily . The bribe thing was meant to be more of a joke I said it once just the other night...we can have sex if we get in the shower it tuned out to be fun for both of us I lit candles put on Pandora and we scrub a dub dubbed along with a little four play not a big deal just fun. I don't feel like anyone was getting the short end of the stick (pardon the pun). I occasionally use his food card to get him a few groceries when I'm there. No different than I would do for a relative or friend if they needed items from the store. It's his money not mine. I also get myself a Starbucks at Kroger with my own money when I get his stuff. What does he do for me? He makes me laugh like no one else. He treats me good is never unkind and had never been abusive. He is a good person he loves his beer ...but he has been my best friend partner in crime (expression only we do not commit crimes) for 10 years. It is a mutual bond not one sided at least in my eyes.

suncatcher

And menopausal doesn't mean I never ever want sex it's just I want it less frequently not that it's anyone's business but I guess I made it everyone's biz when I posted it in response to a question. I will give honest answers but please don't twist them around to make your point. Thank you.

dandylion

suncatcher...this is a little of the topic...but, when you mentioned Kroger..it made me nostalgic. I grew up with Kroger stores , in West Virginia...I can still remember the smell of the 8o'clock ground coffee smell, in the store, when I went there with my mother, holding her hand.

biminiblue

suncatcher, I think you have a good handle on it. . .and like dandylion says you have a right to any type relationship you want. Obviously you are self-aware and you care for one another. That's all that matters.

suncatcher

Dandy I'm glad I brought back a good memory for you they are mostly super stores now but I love that they have a Starbucks in them!

Ladybird579

Am sorry if you thought I was twisting it around but I was going by what you had said on your previous post. I admire your honestly.

suncatcher

It's ok Ladybird. I've been doing quite a bit of reading on here and I do think some of my attitudes on alcoholism are leaning toward codependent rescuing enabling ...comparing alcoholism to cancer for instance. I know they are different. I actually read someone else's post that compared it to cancer ...almost like my higher power lead me to her post and I said wow I said that? I think deep down I can feel myself slipping. That's why I'm here. And I appreciate all of you for your patience and for reeling me back in when I need it!

suncatcher

I just had another conversation with him that probably fell on deaf ears but this is what I said. I don't believe your skin problem has anything to do with a nickel allergy or your laundry detergent. You are drinking so much alcohol and peeing so much that you are depleting your body of electrolytes, water and minerals and not replacing them. I have to ask you is the alcohol worth that much to you that you will suffer through all this? He said no then changed the subject. Told him it was painful for me to watch and I don't know how much longer I can watch him do this to himself.

suncatcher

He just asked me isn't there a water pill I could take? I said no water pills are used to take fluid off of people who have too much water ...you don't have enough water! You have to drink water instead of beer!

suncatcher

I think he wishes like hell he could stop. I told him there are places he can go to detox if he wants to. I said I know you love your beer but you have to love yourself more than you love your beer. Your body is crying out for help and you aren't paying attention. The seed is planted now we will see...

biminiblue

As long as you aren't expecting/waiting for the miracle.

And then the falling-at-your-feet adoration for your cleverness.

suncatcher

Lol no Bimini I know better. Hrs been on this road for a long time. I know he will most likely continue to self destruct. I can lead the horse to water but can't make him drink. This horse prefers beer lol thank you!

suncatcher

And I know I'm probably beating a dead horse by even trying!

suncatcher

Yep hes already on beer number 1 ...time to ride my horse off into the sunset now lol

AnvilheadII

we can't love 'em well, hon.

the only words that made a difference to me with my own drinking were heard the morning after my best friend had attempted suicide the night before and i knew that is what he was going to do WHEN I DROPPED HIM OFF at his apartment after a night of drinking and reds. he called to report he was still alive and said "I have to do something about the drinking" and I said, yeah me too. so i hit the shower, looked into the AA meeting schedule that just happened to me in my home, and off i went.

if you truly want to offer "help" - get him a meeting schedule and maybe even splurge for a Big Book. leave them with him. let him know there IS help. and leave it at that.

suncatcher

I was thinking about how I reacted to Ladybirds post yesterday. I know I may not always like what people have to say on here but some folks just don't sugar coat things and sometimes those are the posts that really get to the core. They may hit a nerve and at first they may make you defensive and angry ..especially if we are in full blown Codie mode. But with that being said I do know sometimes I need the tough words to take a step back and look deeper at myself ..at the situation and really delve into it. It's in those moments we can learn the most about ourselves sometimes. Ladybird, im sorry if I lashed out at you and felt attacked I know you did not mean it that way.

suncatcher

Thanks Anvil. Did your friend get help too? You said he attempted suicide ...I'm hoping it wasn't successful and he made it. I'm glad you made it and got help for yourself! He has been to meetings before long ago when they were court ordered after a DUI. He doesn't seem like he's ready yet and I know I can't love him well. I may still do as you suggest and leave a meeting schedule and big book with him just incase he reaches that point and decides to put them to use. Thank you.

AnvilheadII

he did....not thru AA, but thru intensive therapy. and he stayed sober for a time. and then not. he later had another suicide attempt, one that i actually intervened in (called the cops, multiple times in one night as they weren't getting it!). he survived that too, did more intensive therapy. our lives since diverged, so i have no idea what he's up to now.

i stayed sober for 7.5 years, and then relapsed for a long long time. got into crack and then finally go out. boy was THAT a cage match!

suncatcher

Good for you, Anvil! Too many never make it through but you did! I work on a psych unit and see many alcoholics and addicts struggle ...get rehab...go back to it and try again. Each individual has to fight their own fight. The side I'm on I can try to be supportive and lead people to resources but I can't do the hard work for them. In my job I'm not emotionally attached in my personal relationship with my ABF I am emotionally attached. Makes it harder to cope with it but that is where I have to fight my own fight and not let myself relapse into codependent rescuing and enabling. Like addiction it's a struggle of its own. But I'm working on it!

suncatcher

The detachment part I've got down. I think I still need to work on the rescuing enabling part. I probably do enable him in ways I don't even realize. And I hate to admit this but sometimes I even enjoy having a beer or two with him. Let's face it he can be rather fun to drink with and after a few long night shifts on the psych unit I am sometimes ready for a few cold ones myself. But I am not the alcoholic. I drink a few and I'm done. His drinking pals come over and we play darts listen to music and laugh and I indulge. I'm sure that's not helping him but he's going to do it wheather I'm there doing it with him or not. It's a catch 22. I know I could be a drill sergeant and nag him about his drinking and refuse to participate but what good would it do? So some say if you can't beat em join em...still I know that's not the healthy thing to do either. A tangled web.