John

I am 14 years clean myself (and no I am not the husband from the post earlier,lol)and finally my spouse went to a long term treatment center for alcohol and crack addiction after relapsing 2 years ago. I stayed in the relationship but set boundaries(didnt live in the same house, wouldn't pick them up or take them to anyplace I knew drugs were sold, changed alarm codes, protected myself emotionally allot more but didn't start an alanon or coda program for fear that I would get the same thing that I am getting at this treatment center now. They are telling me that there is no future for us and to me this is a chance for a new beginning. They are not telling my spouse this. They are being very nasty and quite negative to me in the one session I have had in one month and no one will return a call, email, etc. The counselor told me that I was a "food source for my spouse" and they were a "parasite on me". Question: Why after all we have been through do the "experts" now say we need to split up? I am getting this from all sides. This program offers NO help for families they have "2 billable" sessions in a 3 month" program for the spouse. Please help!

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi John.
I don't understand counseling approaches either. Dino has been in counseling since May and nobody asked me nothin'! I actually think he is being treated improperly because they don't have the whole story. My charming addict has a lady counselor that I believe has bought his "poor me" routine. According to him, it's not the drugs, it's the circumstances. He is being treated with a primary diagnosis of depression instead of drug addiction. (That is, if I can believe Dino.) Boy, could I tell her a few things.
Congratulations on your own recovery, by the way! And, welcome to the forum.
We say it a lot around here... you're the only one who knows your own heart and what you are willing to endure. Nobody died and made the counselors God. We could speculate about their motivation, but that is all it would be. If you are determined to stay with your wife... tell them so. Tell them you want help dealing with THAT, not advice on whether to stay or go. If they are still negative... get your own counselor. Go to al-anon. Come here. No one will tell you you're wrong or stupid here. We'll tell you what we've been through, and what we think. Use what you can and throw the rest away. And remember to take care of YOU... it sounds like you have a handle on that.

Smoke

goodsearch

HEY JOHN,
greetings from the other end of texas, and from the wife of the "other" 14-year sober alcoholic.

i applaud you for sticking with your wife after all those years, and i disagree with the counseling approach just as smoke does.

in my case, jim and i only have 5 years together (i never knew him when he was drinking) and i am not willing to live in a dry drunk marriage. neither one of us wants to file divorce papers, but neither do we want to live together. we are both pretty stubborn.

hoorah for boundaries!! i don't know how i managed my life before i discovered the concept. hoorah for detaching with love. hooray for one day at a time.

keep coming back. i'll be interested to hear what happens to you.

marie.

mjna

i believe they seperate people because they feel they must not use cruches anymore. That the person has to learn to hold her/him self up on their own how ever i do not agree my sister go's to aa and their they say you n't do this alone they have family and sponcers.
i believe that its important to know that the people that you have hurt still love you.
i think that unless she is telling them that she can't be clean and still be part of your world that they are doing her a real injustice. i know how it hurts to feel like your not important after all you are hurting too.