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I saw AH this evening

Old 12-14-2016, 04:34 PM
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I saw AH this evening

I am pretty emotional at the moment. He looked, well, tired and beat down. He sounds better than he looks. When I speak to him over the phone I still see him as the man he was before all this happened. In person he is different, quiet, lost even more weight. I can tell he is not sleeping well from the huge bags under his eyes. I get this place is not a resort on the beach, it caters mostly to the homeless and convicts but he's there. Said it was the best decision he ever made.....

Anyway - I was just shocked at his appearance. I am so used to seeing him take pride in his appearance for work, church, etc. It's hard to explain but he looks way different.

I am not even sure if any of this makes sense at the moment. I think it's time for some reading and prayer. Just feeling overwhelmed....

Thanks friends....
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Old 12-14-2016, 05:03 PM
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The guy's barely done detoxing. No, he's not gonna look great. I looked like hell for a while after I quit drinking. You don't just turn bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after days or even weeks without a drink. In fact, you feel physically WORSE--most people have trouble sleeping. Their appetite is off (and a lot of alcoholics--even those financially well-off--suffer from malnutrition). Grooming is not at the forefront of his concerns right now, either.

In short, I don't think you can judge anything about how he's "doing" based on how he looks right now.
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Old 12-14-2016, 09:53 PM
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Hug to you KTT.
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Old 12-14-2016, 09:55 PM
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Prayers to you.
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Old 12-15-2016, 03:33 AM
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knowthetriggers.....Most people do lose weight when they stop drinking....because the alcohol is loaded with calories....
I know lots of people who are relatively quiet, when sober...and become quite chatty when they have a buzz.....
Like Lexie said...sleep disturbances are a common, common complaint...and, for lots of people it takes a few weeks to months to fully re-establish.....
About 6mo. is a good rule of thumb...for the brain, itself, to begin to resemble "normal", again......
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Old 12-15-2016, 06:23 AM
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Early days of sobriety are hard. No sleep, willing oneself not to drink. No one is at their best. I am glad he is not drinking and I hope he can keep it going. Peace.
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Old 12-15-2016, 07:42 AM
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And how are you different since all this, KTT? Where do you see those same kinds of changes in yourself? Are you more weary, surprisingly rested, carrying baggage under your own eyes or somewhere in between? Are you still feeling a bit of shock or getting more confident about your next steps? How are your DDs holding up as this proceeds?

I'm not-so-subtly trying to tell you to keep shifting the focus BACK TO YOU. It's not a habit yet so it's not going to just "happen"..... just one meeting with him shouldn't rock you so hard emotionally & the fact that it does is that lovely ingrained-codie side fighting it's way through because it seems loving & empathetic to CARE about what he's going through, right???

Sure, sometimes. And sometimes we need to remind ourselves that just 2 weeks ago you nearly had a heart attack waking up to the sight of him sleeping in your living room after he let himself into the house after you'd gone to bed. Or what he looked like just a few days before that when he couldn't lift himself off the living room floor & you all had to walk over him to handle your morning routines? Or what your DD's faces looked like when they confronted him about his drinking and laid down some of their own boundaries?

This is when you need to be stronger than EVER, my friend, trust me in this. Right now he is exactly where he needs to be and it is STILL catered to his 24/7 needs in a way; you couldn't have less control over any of it if you tried. Worrying about the changes in him - which will KEEP changing if he's really committed to recovery - is a gigantic waste of your time & energy. Huge. Crippling, Enormous.

It sucks that he chose this path, but HE did. Wishing you tons of strength in the coming days!!
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Old 12-15-2016, 08:29 AM
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Thinking of you and the kiddos. He's been poisoning himself for a long time, and cleaning up from that is difficult! No one knows what the future holds for him - that's between him and his HP, yes?!

Keep going to meetings and focusing on you. Sending you peace, strength, good vibes, prayers, all that. Be good to yourself, and (((HUGS))).
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Old 12-15-2016, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
And how are you different since all this, KTT? Where do you see those same kinds of changes in yourself? Are you more weary, surprisingly rested, carrying baggage under your own eyes or somewhere in between? Are you still feeling a bit of shock or getting more confident about your next steps? How are your DDs holding up as this proceeds?

I'm not-so-subtly trying to tell you to keep shifting the focus BACK TO YOU. It's not a habit yet so it's not going to just "happen"..... just one meeting with him shouldn't rock you so hard emotionally & the fact that it does is that lovely ingrained-codie side fighting it's way through because it seems loving & empathetic to CARE about what he's going through, right???

Sure, sometimes. And sometimes we need to remind ourselves that just 2 weeks ago you nearly had a heart attack waking up to the sight of him sleeping in your living room after he let himself into the house after you'd gone to bed. Or what he looked like just a few days before that when he couldn't lift himself off the living room floor & you all had to walk over him to handle your morning routines? Or what your DD's faces looked like when they confronted him about his drinking and laid down some of their own boundaries?

This is when you need to be stronger than EVER, my friend, trust me in this. Right now he is exactly where he needs to be and it is STILL catered to his 24/7 needs in a way; you couldn't have less control over any of it if you tried. Worrying about the changes in him - which will KEEP changing if he's really committed to recovery - is a gigantic waste of your time & energy. Huge. Crippling, Enormous.

It sucks that he chose this path, but HE did. Wishing you tons of strength in the coming days!!
Oh I am struggling and in codie overdrive. I know it and I can feel it! Sure I am reading and going to my meetings but I can feel a tug of war inside - one side wanting to let go and the codie side is driven by FEAR and WORRY.

So this morning on my daily walk I was so overwhelmed with worry and fear that I just said "Trigger - stop it, get it together", and then I prayed - just something I made up in my mind as I was walking. I just started to repeat over and over again....."Sweet HP, take all my worries and fill my heart with peace". I said this over and over and over and over again until I could finally FEEL the peace. Then I told myself "I am a survivor" (Thanks for that Dandylion !!) and then back again to my peace prayer. I did this my entire walk, which is only 15 minutes but I was able to bounce back.

Look, holidays are hard and this is hard for me and the girls. I will have my good days and my bad days, don't we all. This is why I come here to share - so I can get back on track. I have not forgotten a thing of how he looked and behaved but I can tell you to still see him looking the way he did - it just shook me.

We have a very long road ahead of us and I know it will be bumpy but I will do my best to stay focused on the right here and now and not the future or the past.

One last thing - just the other day a flashback to 15 years ago. AH and I were sitting in a counselors office when he was in the rehab facility... this guy was pretty awesome. I don't remember much but what I do remember is him showing AH and I a small broken wrench on his keychain. He asked us why would he carry a broken wrench, it does him no good. AH and I were a little baffled, just looked at each other and then the counselor told us "it is a constant, daily reminder that I cannot fix everything. " I believe my higher power wants me to remember this conversation as a reminder as well. That is how I took it anyway.

So thanks to everyone for your feed back!
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Old 12-15-2016, 09:51 AM
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It's amazing that we can just tell ourselves to STOP.

We get used to doing the same things over and over too - and when we see it, we can stop it. GOOD JOB, and thanks for sharing!!

I hope you guys have a good, peaceful Christmas!
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Old 12-15-2016, 12:05 PM
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I totally understand why that would have been a difficult meeting for you but it sounds as though you're managing to keep it all in perspective - I admire your honesty and strength. I hope the holidays are peaceful for you and the girls. I also like the mantras whilst out walking - I find that helps me too
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Old 12-15-2016, 12:13 PM
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knowthetriggers...I can tell that you are trying as hard as you can....and, that is what su rvivors do!!
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