Originally Posted by
FireSprite 
And how are you different since all this, KTT? Where do you see those same kinds of changes in yourself? Are you more weary, surprisingly rested, carrying baggage under your own eyes or somewhere in between? Are you still feeling a bit of shock or getting more confident about your next steps? How are your DDs holding up as this proceeds?
I'm not-so-subtly trying to tell you to keep shifting the focus BACK TO YOU. It's not a habit yet so it's not going to just "happen"..... just one meeting with him shouldn't rock you so hard emotionally & the fact that it does is that lovely ingrained-codie side fighting it's way through because it seems loving & empathetic to CARE about what he's going through, right???
Sure, sometimes. And sometimes we need to remind ourselves that just 2 weeks ago you nearly had a heart attack waking up to the sight of him sleeping in your living room after he let himself into the house after you'd gone to bed. Or what he looked like just a few days before that when he couldn't lift himself off the living room floor & you all had to walk over him to handle your morning routines? Or what your DD's faces looked like when they confronted him about his drinking and laid down some of their own boundaries?
This is when you need to be stronger than EVER, my friend, trust me in this. Right now he is exactly where he needs to be and it is STILL catered to his 24/7 needs in a way; you couldn't have less control over any of it if you tried. Worrying about the changes in him - which will KEEP changing if he's really committed to recovery - is a gigantic waste of your time & energy. Huge. Crippling, Enormous.
It sucks that he chose this path, but HE did. Wishing you tons of strength in the coming days!!
Oh I am struggling and in codie overdrive. I know it and I can feel it! Sure I am reading and going to my meetings but I can feel a tug of war inside - one side wanting to let go and the codie side is driven by FEAR and WORRY.
So this morning on my daily walk I was so overwhelmed with worry and fear that I just said "Trigger - stop it, get it together", and then I prayed - just something I made up in my mind as I was walking. I just started to repeat over and over again....."Sweet HP, take all my worries and fill my heart with peace". I said this over and over and over and over again until I could finally FEEL the peace. Then I told myself "I am a survivor" (Thanks for that Dandylion !!) and then back again to my peace prayer. I did this my entire walk, which is only 15 minutes but I was able to bounce back.
Look, holidays are hard and this is hard for me and the girls. I will have my good days and my bad days, don't we all. This is why I come here to share - so I can get back on track. I have not forgotten a thing of how he looked and behaved but I can tell you to still see him looking the way he did - it just shook me.
We have a very long road ahead of us and I know it will be bumpy but I will do my best to stay focused on the right here and now and not the future or the past.
One last thing - just the other day a flashback to 15 years ago. AH and I were sitting in a counselors office when he was in the rehab facility... this guy was pretty awesome. I don't remember much but what I do remember is him showing AH and I a small broken wrench on his keychain. He asked us why would he carry a broken wrench, it does him no good. AH and I were a little baffled, just looked at each other and then the counselor told us "it is a constant, daily reminder that I cannot fix everything. " I believe my higher power wants me to remember this conversation as a reminder as well. That is how I took it anyway.
So thanks to everyone for your feed back!
