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Fear....

Old 12-13-2016, 10:13 AM
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Fear....

I really hate that I let fear drive me at times. Today is one of those days. I have a meeting tonight and hopefully I will have the opportunity to share.

Today is a trigger for me - my brother-in-law's birthday. He is no longer with us; however, he was killed about 3 or 4 years ago. His death was no accident. He was an alcoholic / addict as long as I have known him and when he lost his only child at the tender at of 16 he was at the point of no return. He was shot and killed by a police officer because he put himself in a situation to cause this officer to fire his weapon at him.

The anniversary of his death and his birthday was always another good "excuse" for my AH to lift his bottle to "honor" his brother. My fear today is knowing how easily that can happen. All he has to do is walk out of this facility....

I've prayed, I have read my books, I have prayed some more. I really can't wait to feel peace in my meeting tonight!

Thanks for listening.
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Old 12-13-2016, 11:08 AM
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This is from the book Conversations with God. I don't know if I believe that God spoke to the Author or not, but it doesn't matter....there are some brilliant sentiments within:

"Every human thought, and every human action, is based in either love or fear. There is no other human motivation, and all other ideas are but derivatives of these two. They are simply different versions --- different twists on the same theme. Think on this deeply and you will see that it is true.

This is what God has called the Sponsoring Thought. It is either a thought of love or fear. This is the thought behind the thought behind the thought. It is the first thought. It is prime force. It is the raw energy that drives the engine of human experience.

And here is how human behavior produces repeat experience after repeat experience; it is why humans love, then destroy, then love again: always there is the swing from one emotion to the other. Love sponsors fear sponsors love sponsors fear …

… and the reason is found in the first lie --- the lie which you hold as the truth about God --- that God cannot be trusted; that God’s love cannot be depended upon; that God’s acceptance of you is conditional; that the ultimate outcome is thus in doubt. For if you cannot depend on God’s love to always be there, on whose love can you depend? If God retreats and withdraws when you do not perform properly, will not mere mortals also?

…And so it is that in the moment you pledge your highest love, you greet your greatest fear. For the first thing you worry about after saying “I love you” is whether you’ll hear it back. And if you hear it back, then you begin immediately to worry that the love you have just found, you will lose. And so all action becomes a reaction --- defense against loss.

Yet if you knew Who You Are --- that you are the most magnificent, the most remarkable, the most splendid being God has ever created --- you would never fear. But you do not know Who You Are, and you think you are a great deal less. "

Basically....We can always strive to act out of love rather than fear because God loves us and everything is going to be OK no matter what happens because we are loved, we will handle it as needed, and we will move forward in the best possible way. <3 Peace to you (and your husband) today.
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Old 12-13-2016, 11:34 AM
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Peace, courage and healing to you today Knowthetriggers. I hope it is a good meeting.
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Old 12-13-2016, 11:54 AM
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i don't want to get all academic here or in any way diminish what you are feeling. but there are some fascinating theories out there about our emotions and what actually drives them.

Fear itself is not an instinct, it is a learned behavior/emotion. we learn from others over time HOW to react in certain situations. and make choices in how we feel about those situations.

for example, you put ME up on the 10 meter dive platform and there is no way, no how, i'm jumping off into the water. however a professional diver who has been trained believe in their skills to not let them die on impact, does not hold that same fear.

the sad experience of your BIL's death, followed by your AH's chosen response - to DRINK - has "taught" you to fear not only the outcome of the drinking, but what you see as the catalyst for that.
when in reality, your AH can and has drank on MANY other days, for a multitude of other excuses....um, i mean, reasons.
you could have the same fear over Tuesdays, football, weather forecasts, or a missed newspaper delivery.

as we unpeel the layers, we can ask ourselves - is it really even the drinking that is MY problem, my FEAR.............or the choices i might have to make in response????
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Old 12-13-2016, 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post

the sad experience of your BIL's death, followed by your AH's chosen response - to DRINK - has "taught" you to fear not only the outcome of the drinking, but what you see as the catalyst for that.
when in reality, your AH can and has drank on MANY other days, for a multitude of other excuses....um, i mean, reasons.
you could have the same fear over Tuesdays, football, weather forecasts, or a missed newspaper delivery.
^^This right here - this is what I had to remind myself of today. That no matter the circumstance when he made excuses to drink he did so for whatever reason. A conversation from a Halloween night long ago, "Why did you drink today?" His answer - "I don't know, it's Halloween" (yes that was his answer to my dad.... insert eye roll).

Even though I thought it, thanks for reminding me that any day for any reason if and when he wants to drink he can or he can choose not to drink. At the end of the day I need to make peace with myself this would be his choice.....
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Old 12-13-2016, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
This is from the book Conversations with God. I don't know if I believe that God spoke to the Author or not, but it doesn't matter....there are some brilliant sentiments within:

"Every human thought, and every human action, is based in either love or fear. There is no other human motivation, and all other ideas are but derivatives of these two. They are simply different versions --- different twists on the same theme. Think on this deeply and you will see that it is true.

This is what God has called the Sponsoring Thought. It is either a thought of love or fear. This is the thought behind the thought behind the thought. It is the first thought. It is prime force. It is the raw energy that drives the engine of human experience.

And here is how human behavior produces repeat experience after repeat experience; it is why humans love, then destroy, then love again: always there is the swing from one emotion to the other. Love sponsors fear sponsors love sponsors fear …

… and the reason is found in the first lie --- the lie which you hold as the truth about God --- that God cannot be trusted; that God’s love cannot be depended upon; that God’s acceptance of you is conditional; that the ultimate outcome is thus in doubt. For if you cannot depend on God’s love to always be there, on whose love can you depend? If God retreats and withdraws when you do not perform properly, will not mere mortals also?

…And so it is that in the moment you pledge your highest love, you greet your greatest fear. For the first thing you worry about after saying “I love you” is whether you’ll hear it back. And if you hear it back, then you begin immediately to worry that the love you have just found, you will lose. And so all action becomes a reaction --- defense against loss.

Yet if you knew Who You Are --- that you are the most magnificent, the most remarkable, the most splendid being God has ever created --- you would never fear. But you do not know Who You Are, and you think you are a great deal less. "

Basically....We can always strive to act out of love rather than fear because God loves us and everything is going to be OK no matter what happens because we are loved, we will handle it as needed, and we will move forward in the best possible way. <3 Peace to you (and your husband) today.
This is beautiful Firebolt - thank you!
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Old 12-13-2016, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by knowthetriggers View Post
^^This right here - this is what I had to remind myself of today. That no matter the circumstance when he made excuses to drink he did so for whatever reason. A conversation from a Halloween night long ago, "Why did you drink today?" His answer - "I don't know, it's Halloween" (yes that was his answer to my dad.... insert eye roll).

Even though I thought it, thanks for reminding me that any day for any reason if and when he wants to drink he can or he can choose not to drink. At the end of the day I need to make peace with myself this would be his choice.....

Not sure if you remember, but the only answer/reason I ever got from RAH about his relapse was that when the beer was offered , "it was already open. " .... that was his big "reason". Something I could have NEVER seen coming, no matter how long or how creatively I tried to predict it. Spending time worrying over it would only hurt *me* and robbed me & DD of *my* time & energy. Instead I paid attention to insulating us against his decisions so that if/when it happened I could flip easily to Plan B already knowing what my next baby steps would be - like having cash stashed for groceries, etc in case I needed to buy time between paychecks, accepting that his poor decisions aren't a direct reflection of who *I* am.

This is where my recovery has to support me, focusing on what I can control, what I can change, what I can heal & grow from. Hang in there!
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Old 12-13-2016, 01:02 PM
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tried and true reasons to use:

1) It seemed like a good idea at the time

2) What time is it?
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Old 12-13-2016, 01:37 PM
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My first husband often used to say (about just about anything that required an excuse): "Well, it was New Year's Eve and it seemed like a good idea at the time."

He used that as a line back when I first met him (and he was drinking) and it morphed into something of an inside joke--a line either one of us would use when no actual GOOD excuse happened to by lying around.

Certainly fits THIS situation...
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