Al-Anon for an atheist uni student ?
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Al-Anon for an atheist uni student ?
Hi there,
So a lot of people commenting on my earlier posts, and my therapist, have suggested that I go to Al-Anon. However, I'm really concerned about two things. I'd be really grateful for answers about your experience with these issues.
1- I am 100% atheist. I haven't had very positive experiences in faith-based support environments (although I have several religious friends and family members that are great and supportive). I get that I can also go to the meetings and mentally translate "God" by "strong feeling within myself", but it just feels like it would be extra emotional labor that I really shouldn't be putting myself through. I know they have a "take what you want and leave the rest" mentality.. I may give it a chance, but does anyone know of an atheist equivalent where I would be able to take more without having to constantly filter ? I've trying looking on the internet and can't seem to find any... I've also looked at previous forums discussing something similar on this site but haven't really found the answer I was looking for.
2- I'm really really self-conscious about seeing someone I know, which is normal, I guess, but still. The alcoholism in my family is a huge secret.
Thank you again in advance .. This is such a supportive website
So a lot of people commenting on my earlier posts, and my therapist, have suggested that I go to Al-Anon. However, I'm really concerned about two things. I'd be really grateful for answers about your experience with these issues.
1- I am 100% atheist. I haven't had very positive experiences in faith-based support environments (although I have several religious friends and family members that are great and supportive). I get that I can also go to the meetings and mentally translate "God" by "strong feeling within myself", but it just feels like it would be extra emotional labor that I really shouldn't be putting myself through. I know they have a "take what you want and leave the rest" mentality.. I may give it a chance, but does anyone know of an atheist equivalent where I would be able to take more without having to constantly filter ? I've trying looking on the internet and can't seem to find any... I've also looked at previous forums discussing something similar on this site but haven't really found the answer I was looking for.
2- I'm really really self-conscious about seeing someone I know, which is normal, I guess, but still. The alcoholism in my family is a huge secret.
Thank you again in advance .. This is such a supportive website
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
When I first started going to meetings, I focused a lot on what I didn't want and what I didn't agree with in a group. As time went on and I began to see the ways in which I could be helped by the sharing of ES&H (experience, strength and hope) at meetings, I got a lot less finicky about the specific way in which I was helped--I stopped caring if the rope being tossed to me to help me keep from drowning was red or blue, nylon or hemp.
Examples:
1) Virtually all meetings in my area end w/the Lord's Prayer. I am not Christian, or even religious, but acceptance is part of recovery; I accept that for most other members, this prayer is deeply meaningful, and I honor it.
2) Every meeting I've been to in my area ends w/what I've heard called "the Alanon cheer"--after saying the meeting closing and/or the Lord's Prayer, when all are standing in a circle w/hands joined, everyone pumps their hands up and down in unison and chants "KEEP coming BACK, it WORKS if you WORK it!" This used to annoy me to no end. I still don't particularly care for it, but again, with a few years of recovery under my belt, I do see the truth in those words and so I join in.
Also, different Alanon meetings will have very different flavors, partly b/c of the different formats (book study, step study, topic/tradition, etc.) and partly b/c people are different from other people. The first meeting you walk into may be a small group of mostly older women who have chosen to stay w/A husbands. The second one might be a larger group of mostly younger people w/a 50/50 split of men/women. In my area, there are also meetings that identify themselves as specifically LGBT. It all depends on where you feel most at home, and it may take a while to find that out.
Another thing that may help you w/Alanon is to do some reading before you go to that first meeting. Check Amazon for used books; they can be had for a very reasonable price. "How Alanon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics" is a good starter; so is "Paths to Recovery: Alanon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts." There are a number of "daily reader" type books available too. Marya Hornbacher's "Waiting: A Nonbeliever's Higher Power" might also be of interest to you, although it's not directly related to Alanon.
And there is the possibility that you may find all or most of the help you need here on SR. For me, recovery has meant a combo of SR and Alanon. Sometimes I leaned more on one, sometimes I leaned more on the other.
I don't think we can know in advance exactly what recovery will be, or what path or means we will use to get there. I've posted on a couple of other threads about this topic recently--what I needed to do was to just take the first step, and let the next one be shown to me in its own time. I didn't have to be able to see the ultimate destination, nor to see each and every step along the way, in order to begin my recovery. I'm betting you won't need to either.
You made a start in coming here to SR, and hopefully you're feeling encouraged enough to keep on taking those steps. You'll find your way, I'm sure of it.
Examples:
1) Virtually all meetings in my area end w/the Lord's Prayer. I am not Christian, or even religious, but acceptance is part of recovery; I accept that for most other members, this prayer is deeply meaningful, and I honor it.
2) Every meeting I've been to in my area ends w/what I've heard called "the Alanon cheer"--after saying the meeting closing and/or the Lord's Prayer, when all are standing in a circle w/hands joined, everyone pumps their hands up and down in unison and chants "KEEP coming BACK, it WORKS if you WORK it!" This used to annoy me to no end. I still don't particularly care for it, but again, with a few years of recovery under my belt, I do see the truth in those words and so I join in.
Also, different Alanon meetings will have very different flavors, partly b/c of the different formats (book study, step study, topic/tradition, etc.) and partly b/c people are different from other people. The first meeting you walk into may be a small group of mostly older women who have chosen to stay w/A husbands. The second one might be a larger group of mostly younger people w/a 50/50 split of men/women. In my area, there are also meetings that identify themselves as specifically LGBT. It all depends on where you feel most at home, and it may take a while to find that out.
Another thing that may help you w/Alanon is to do some reading before you go to that first meeting. Check Amazon for used books; they can be had for a very reasonable price. "How Alanon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics" is a good starter; so is "Paths to Recovery: Alanon's Steps, Traditions and Concepts." There are a number of "daily reader" type books available too. Marya Hornbacher's "Waiting: A Nonbeliever's Higher Power" might also be of interest to you, although it's not directly related to Alanon.
And there is the possibility that you may find all or most of the help you need here on SR. For me, recovery has meant a combo of SR and Alanon. Sometimes I leaned more on one, sometimes I leaned more on the other.
I don't think we can know in advance exactly what recovery will be, or what path or means we will use to get there. I've posted on a couple of other threads about this topic recently--what I needed to do was to just take the first step, and let the next one be shown to me in its own time. I didn't have to be able to see the ultimate destination, nor to see each and every step along the way, in order to begin my recovery. I'm betting you won't need to either.
You made a start in coming here to SR, and hopefully you're feeling encouraged enough to keep on taking those steps. You'll find your way, I'm sure of it.
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Seren, good job posting that link--I see that I posted in it myself, saying "oh, yeah, I'm going to save this link and then I can refer people to this thread"--guess that one got lost in the shuffle!
Thank you for thinking of it. It's such a good thread.
Thank you for thinking of it. It's such a good thread.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The main idea behind the "Higher Power" is not that a being in the sky will direct your life (obviously, some people already believe in such a God, and so that's the Higher Power they will naturally turn to), but rather that WE don't control the universe, or other people's lives (or even all the events that affect our own).
A lot of us have become control freaks in the interest of trying to manage someone else's alcoholism. And we spend a lot of energy trying to be perfect or whatever so the alcoholic won't drink.
The Higher Power concept helps us get "right-sized" and focus on what we CAN control--our own thoughts and actions. I tend toward the agnostic, myself, but there is power in prayer that goes beyond who or what may be listening. There is power in people asking together for good in ourselves and in the world.
I can assure you, though, you are unlikely to run into anyone who will insist you have a specific belief system. (Of course, there are all kinds of people in Al-Anon so you might run into the odd individual who does, but it isn't part of Al-Anon--it's just people being people.)
I think it's worth giving it a try. If you find you HATE it, after giving it a reasonable shot, you walk away.
A lot of us have become control freaks in the interest of trying to manage someone else's alcoholism. And we spend a lot of energy trying to be perfect or whatever so the alcoholic won't drink.
The Higher Power concept helps us get "right-sized" and focus on what we CAN control--our own thoughts and actions. I tend toward the agnostic, myself, but there is power in prayer that goes beyond who or what may be listening. There is power in people asking together for good in ourselves and in the world.
I can assure you, though, you are unlikely to run into anyone who will insist you have a specific belief system. (Of course, there are all kinds of people in Al-Anon so you might run into the odd individual who does, but it isn't part of Al-Anon--it's just people being people.)
I think it's worth giving it a try. If you find you HATE it, after giving it a reasonable shot, you walk away.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by daughter08 
...I've trying looking on the internet and can't seem to find any. ....
If you shop around the meetings in your area you will see that, as others have mentioned, there is a huge difference from one to the other just from the people who attend. Find one that is "good enough". Perhaps one where they don't say prayers at all, perhaps only the "al-anon declaration". Get to know the people there, let them know a little about you.
It may take a few weeks, maybe a little more, but once they feel comfortable that you can keep their secrets somebody will aproach you. Quietly. After the meeting, and tell you where you can attend a "closed" meeting, or sometimes they call it a "private" meeting. In some cities they are held in somebodies home, or at a school, or a police station. And yes, some of the private meets are 100% atheist, with no prayers of any kind.
Originally Posted by daughter08
... I'm really really self-conscious about seeing someone I know....
Mike
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
When 12-step says "God" I think "buddhism", which is my spiritual practice. The method has been quite satisfactory and I've not yet come across a conflict in either discipline. I concur with the above posts wrt the point of the higher power in whatever form it takes being something other than yourself and your reasoning.
There are secularized forms of the 12-steps out there, but I don't know what there might be with respect to the fellowship to go with. I find staying close to my alanon and AA fellowship peeps, staying close to the steps and the practice keeps the restless, irritable, discontent away. I know its out there because I can feel the serenity slip away and the mind get sticky on the usual topics if I am not careful & respectful.
There are secularized forms of the 12-steps out there, but I don't know what there might be with respect to the fellowship to go with. I find staying close to my alanon and AA fellowship peeps, staying close to the steps and the practice keeps the restless, irritable, discontent away. I know its out there because I can feel the serenity slip away and the mind get sticky on the usual topics if I am not careful & respectful.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hey d,
When we first join, no one is proud, to be member of aa or alanon. Over time we open our hearts, close our mouths and listen. I took a 15 year leave of absence from alanon. When I returned, I was like a sponge, I sucked up everything that was offered, as I was ready to hear what they had to offer.
After what seems like thousands of hours in alanon meetings, I am a Grateful member of alanon and proud of it. Between alanon, open aa meetings and sr, it saved my life. What I have learned in these/those walls is immeasurable. I use it in all facets of my life, it has truly changed me, I feel, for the better.
Open your heart, maybe you will get it this time, it works when you work it my friend.
When we first join, no one is proud, to be member of aa or alanon. Over time we open our hearts, close our mouths and listen. I took a 15 year leave of absence from alanon. When I returned, I was like a sponge, I sucked up everything that was offered, as I was ready to hear what they had to offer.
After what seems like thousands of hours in alanon meetings, I am a Grateful member of alanon and proud of it. Between alanon, open aa meetings and sr, it saved my life. What I have learned in these/those walls is immeasurable. I use it in all facets of my life, it has truly changed me, I feel, for the better.
Open your heart, maybe you will get it this time, it works when you work it my friend.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One of the other things to understand about alcoholism is that it isn't "logical" or "rational"--at least not in the sense that you can figure out how to manage it. It's still pretty much a mystery why some people have those moments of clarity where they can see what they are doing to themselves--and act decisively on it--and others don't.
Among the things you will learn in Al-Anon is how to let go in a healthy and loving way. That doesn't necessarily mean leaving the alcoholic or having no contact with him/her (though that's sometimes what winds up being necessary, depending on all the dynamics), but it does mean detaching emotionally at times, not taking the alcoholic's behavior personally as a reflection of your own value, making good boundaries for your own well-being. It involves a whole new way of interacting with other people and it can make for healthier relationships with everyone in your life, not just the alcoholic.
Among the things you will learn in Al-Anon is how to let go in a healthy and loving way. That doesn't necessarily mean leaving the alcoholic or having no contact with him/her (though that's sometimes what winds up being necessary, depending on all the dynamics), but it does mean detaching emotionally at times, not taking the alcoholic's behavior personally as a reflection of your own value, making good boundaries for your own well-being. It involves a whole new way of interacting with other people and it can make for healthier relationships with everyone in your life, not just the alcoholic.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
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D,
Anonymity was the topic at a recent alanon meeting and made me
remember how most people don't understand what these meetings
are all about. I think its natural not to want to see anyone you know,
especially the first few meetings, I felt the same way.
In the end though, your emotional health and wellbeing needs to
be the priority. It's a journey of discovery, and you will have "barking
dogs" along the way. Ignore them. For you it may be the prayers or
references to God. Don't let it interfere with your recovery.
What you will learn has the potential to change the trajectory of
your life. After all, I wonder how my life would have been different
had I known in my early years what I understand now.
This is too big to let prayers or fear of people finding out stop you.
Travel further out if you need to, but keep your eye on the prize - your
personal growth and understanding of the family disease of alcoholism.
Anonymity was the topic at a recent alanon meeting and made me
remember how most people don't understand what these meetings
are all about. I think its natural not to want to see anyone you know,
especially the first few meetings, I felt the same way.
In the end though, your emotional health and wellbeing needs to
be the priority. It's a journey of discovery, and you will have "barking
dogs" along the way. Ignore them. For you it may be the prayers or
references to God. Don't let it interfere with your recovery.
What you will learn has the potential to change the trajectory of
your life. After all, I wonder how my life would have been different
had I known in my early years what I understand now.
This is too big to let prayers or fear of people finding out stop you.
Travel further out if you need to, but keep your eye on the prize - your
personal growth and understanding of the family disease of alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
Honeypig, THANK YOU for that Marya Hornbacher book recommendation! I got it for my kindle, and I do believe that this book is part of what I've been searching for. I identify with so much so far, and I'm only in the first chapter. It's so interesting to me how things come up at just the right time sometimes... I actually have time now between semesters to delve, and I've been really wanting to explore the concept of spirituality without religion/god.
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