Sotiredofitall

Dh has asked me to go with him to one of his meetings. Tomorrow nite. I have previous plans and will be tired. Not even sure that I want to go to a meeting. He had no idea what they wanted me there for and frankly, I'm not sure I'm in the right headspace to go to one. How does everyone feel about attending the family nites and what should I expect? He said there aren't usually more than 3-4 people at any of the meetings. That seems more like a counseling session than a group meeting. ( If it matters, he has been attending for the last 3 weeks, three times a week.)

LexieCat

Is this a rehab meeting? Is he in an IOP program?

Totally up to you whether you go. If you think it might be helpful to know more about his program, it might be good to go to one at some point. Do they have multiple ones you could attend?

Sotiredofitall

Lexie, he enrolled himself in a 12 step outpatient program. He was pretty much forced to attend some type of program by work and this isn't the first go round of *I'm gonna do sober*. I'm done if this isn't something he sticks with. I'm not sure *I* want to invest any more of my energy into his recovery. I'm not sure of a lot, but I find myself very protective of my emotional self right now and feel I'm protecting the ground I've made by not sucking back into what hasn't been proven yet. I really haven't made myself aware of his program and he isn't one to volunteer much.
I'm hopeful for him that this is real, but I'm not living my life in that future. I also find myself pretty angry that work/money was the impetus for this change where family/relationship couldn't be. I realize I have a lot to work through regardless of what/where he is, but I'm not ready to work on anything resembling our relationship right now. I haven't figured out if there IS a relationship anymore. 38 years of being married to a stranger at this point. Not sure if anything I say makes sense right now. :-(

hearthealth

I'm not ready to work on anything resembling our relationship right now. I haven't figured out if there IS a relationship anymore. 38 years of being married to a stranger at this point. Not sure if anything I say makes sense right now.
So what do you want to do? We have options and it's ok if "not now" is the answer. My H came home after a four day business trip and I realize his own interest is to plan his day. We don't have a relationship. I'm walking around not happy, trying to go through the motions.Nothing changes if nothing changes. I get where your coming from if it helps.

Sotiredofitall

hearthealth--not sure what I want to do. I suppose thats why I'm doing nothing. :-( . I had pretty much settled into the creating my own life without him, doing occasional things with him when he remained sober. But I have been building my life without him as the focus, and I don't dislike it. He also has told me he believes he will die by May of this next year (his brother died at that age) Not sure if that was the alcohol talking or him as he was drinking in secret (or so he thought). I have to say I didn't know how much he was drinking, so he surprised me on that.Now, I don't believe anything much that he says, so his recovery is even suspect. I thought I could just wait and see with this latest info, but as I said, not sure I want to be involved at this point. I've decided to not attend at this point. I had other plans for my day (babysitting new grandson for the day) so I'm just moving forward with my plans.

Refiner

Meh - you already had plans and will be tired to-boot. Tell him that and maybe next time. That's what I would do.

dandylion

sotiredofitall.....I say to do what you want to do.
If he wants to get sober...if that is his top priority...he will get sober no matter what happens....

LexieCat

Totally OK.

FWIW, most people who get sober don't do it for a single reason. There may be a single incident that brings about the "moment of clarity"--in my case it was being so sick from withdrawals at work that I had to have someone drive me home. Was that single incident WHY I got sober? No--it was just one of the "nevers" that happened to open my eyes to the fact that my drinking was causing things to happen that I didn't believe could ever happen. It made me look at the OTHER things that were going south in a hurry.

So maybe this was his moment of clarity and he will now SEE (or at least see more clearly) the damage in other parts of his life, including his relationship. No guarantees, of course, but it certainly isn't out of the realm of possibility.

But it's just fine for you to stay out of it at this point.

Maudcat

Speaking for myself only, I would far rather take care of and play with a new grandbaby and go home basking in their love glow than go to family night. Babies smell so great! I too hope for your spouse's recovery, Sotired, but good for you for crafting your own life.

maia1234

I agree with everyone, been there done that. After 38 years together, I could only imagine the crxp he has pulled and all that you have been through.

Tell him you are attending your own meeting; that you need to attend, because of his "addiction". haha!!

You attending or not attending is not going to jeopardize is sobriety. You don't have that power.

Good luck in your decision, you are not wrong in either choice you make.