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Work in progress, right?!

Old 11-03-2016, 03:23 PM
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Work in progress, right?!

I was thinking about how far I've come in recovery.
Then, I was thinking about how far I have to go.

My bf and I are trying to establish ourselves as a domestic couple, instead of getting married to qualify for one of us going on the other's health insurance plan. The proof that's needed makes marriage sound easier, lol..

Anyway, he made mention of 'not ever wanting to get married again or combine finances with someone'. He's said this before and i know this but today I took it personal and made it about me and, in my head, was like, "Umm, really? Am I not marriage material here? So, you wouldn't want to marry me EVER? I'm fiscally responsible, come on dude!"
Then, the NOT crazy side of me (well it's cray cray in a different way anyway) was like, "sweetie, you yourself don't even want to get married either! You can't qualify for Pell grants for your son for college if you marry. Need to stay single for the next 4 years at least. AND, let's also go over the fact that you hate the word wife because it gives you the chills since you hear your XAH's whining about how unwifely you were for 20 years of marriage. You shuddered when the boyfriend mentioned opening up a checking account together and you had to think twice before letting him put you on his car insurance. SO......who's the one who's not ready for marriage dummy?"

Yep......that's my crazy in a nutshell! Honestly, I love my man and I love our life together with the kids and our home and I wouldn't change a thing. We're totally committed to each other and I'm grateful to him for so much as he is to me. It's just funny the dialogue that goes on in my little pea brain sometimes!
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Old 11-03-2016, 03:41 PM
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lizatola...I know a couple who are living as a "domestic partnership" so that she can be on his very good insurance plan. It didn't sound very hard to do...just to prove that they were living together as an intimate, committed couple.

I think you like the idea of knowing there is the desire, on his part, of lifelong commitment.....just, don't like the idea of marrying.
If this is true...and you would like a symbol or demonstration of his commitment to you---have you ever thought of having a commitment ceremony? Complete with a commitment ring (not a wedding ring!).
It is also a good reason to buy a pretty, new dress....
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Old 11-03-2016, 03:43 PM
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I think it sounds like you rationalized it and thought about it. Maybe the marriage thing will change with time. I can honestly say that I never want to get married or share finances with anyone ever again. Although, it kind of sounds like ... bitter? in a way? to say that. But, alas, I am bitter for many reasons.

I am sure more will come along with way more enlightening things to say than the above.
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Old 11-03-2016, 04:00 PM
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My bf was burned bad in his divorce. he says losing a half a million dollars was worth it but that he will never combine finances with someone again.

I was burned emotionally in a marriage AND financially so I can relate to his concerns. My XAH and I had a decent nest egg, equity in our home, and solid retirement savings already. yes, I got half but it was HALF of what truly was jointly there to spend in the future. It's a hard pill to swallow but both my bf and I feel that the cost was worth it to have the life we have today.

Dandy, I've thought about broaching a commitment ceremony idea with him eventually, especially if the kids start pushing us to marry. His youngest will often make reference to me being her 'stepmom' one day when 'you and daddy get married'. At some point we need to figure out something to include the kids on but also to let them know that we're committed to a future together as a family.
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Old 11-03-2016, 04:34 PM
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I don't know. If I had no assets going into the relationship I could see how I could honor the BF's request that we cohabitate but don't intermingle the assets "just in case". But we've a set of friends who did this after he had to give half his wealth from HIS business to his -ex in the divorce and now his live-in GF just gets Cadillacs and jewelry from him to prove his love and commitment (and she's become very resentful after 12 years). On the flip side, I had been dating my then BF (now husband) for 5 years and refused to cohabitate unless he was willing to commit long-term (e.g. Marriage since I sold my house to move into his). We both had our own houses, savings, jobs, 401k, etc. You really need to be on the same page and get you needs and fears out on the table.
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Old 11-03-2016, 04:48 PM
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Actually, cohabitation agreements aren't a bad idea, either. It helps ensure neither party feels taken advantage of. I think these days a lot of family law attorneys are familiar with them. Basically, they work sort of like a prenup does if you get married. A pretty good idea if you want to be sure you're both provided for in the event something happens. It can also protect you from "palimony" claims, etc. Might be worth discussing at some point.
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Old 11-03-2016, 04:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
I don't know. If I had no assets going into the relationship I could see how I could honor the BF's request that we cohabitate but don't intermingle the assets "just in case". But we've a set of friends who did this after he had to give half his wealth from HIS business to his -ex in the divorce and now his live-in GF just gets Cadillacs and jewelry from him to prove his love and commitment (and she's become very resentful after 12 years). On the flip side, I had been dating my then BF (now husband) for 5 years and refused to cohabitate unless he was willing to commit long-term (e.g. Marriage since I sold my house to move into his). We both had our own houses, savings, jobs, 401k, etc. You really need to be on the same page and get you needs and fears out on the table.
We both have assets to protect and I'm not OK intermingling our stuff right now because I don't want to pay for his kids college expenses nor would I expect him to help me pay for my son's expenses, either.

We keep making moves toward a further commitment towards each other and even today he said he'd be OK with me having POA on certain things to execute health directives, etc. I'm not even sure I'd go that far for myself yet.

We've only been together for 19 months (I think) and I need more time to figure out what I want and if I will want more from a man moving forward. Different story, but I'm still figuring out ME and it's not fair for me to ask him to commit to me if I'm not even sure I want a 'forever' type of commitment. Some days I'm wracked with fear and I'm ready to jump ship. Other days I'm so committed and in love that it makes my head spin. Maybe it's just pre menopause, lol? I just know I have some work to do on me and I'm ok with how things are today.

I just thought it was funny how my brain went in two totally different directions in the span of 3 minutes!
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Old 11-04-2016, 10:16 AM
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These issues can easily be alleviated with a pre nup.

You are still early in the relationship. Long term relationship without marriage has its downsides too. Big time if assets are accrued along the way.

With the ability to preclude financial ruin, and it commingling of assets befor the relationship started, perhaps somewhere down the line marriage would be an option if you both want it.
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