Lilro

Oh and one more thing....

you are not the reason she smokes!

Poppet35

Thank you, the stopping smoking is coming from her not me at all. I've never pushed her to either stop smoking or drinking. I've wanted her to do it for herself.
Nothing I ever do is right or good enough. There's always a reason that she couldn't stop and that reason is usually connected to me.

Yes it is time to start thinking about me.

Poppet35

I can see your point. I need to want to get out of this, to get myself better. It's all words otherwise.
I need to stop focussing on her - I have apologised and tried to make amends I don't think I can do anymore. I have tried to accept my part in all this and told her in a heartfelt way how I have but one little thing blows the rest out of the water.
My book is coming soon and I shall drop my other books to read this one and hopefully a little shaft of light will come.

schnappi99

she .... she ... she .... she ... she .... she ... I'm angry .... I'm confused ... why? ... how long?

is exactly what I spent a lot of time doing also. The only way out for me was to learn to stop doing it. I needed a lot of Alanon work and study in AA, still do because the distance between then and now amounts to a few seconds of thought.

I'd like to propose an experiment Pop, pick one of your posts above, a paragraph of 5+ lines detailing her behavior and write another of equal length and tell us about things you like, things you do, things that you feel good doing - the only rule being this is about you only, no mentions of her or relationship.

Smarie78

Stop asking why she does it. Start asking why you allow it.

It's taken time but I have come to realize that there is NOTHING I can do or say to make my Abf respect me because he does not respect himself. He takes zero responsibility for everything including yes, quitting smoking. When he drinks he chain smokes in fact and when he has moments of sobriety I get to hear all the plans for quitting...and all the plans for our life together...all the plans for everything that will never come into fruition.

Don't go crazy asking why. You cannot rationalize the irrational. I still try to and always fail. I tried to this morning again and failed. The thing is, they are sick. They do not think the same way as other people. This is not to excuse them, but to acknowledge that unless they take their medicine (AA, treat comingling mental illness, etc.) they will remain sick.

Poppet35

Ok so here goes. I like to snuggle up warm in front of the fire with a coffee and a good book. I like to do logic puzzles. I enjoy spending some time playing computer games. I love swimming, be it the sea or the public pool. I enjoy dabbling in learning to sew. I love having some music on (of my choice) whilst I'm cooking. I love taking my kids to Cornwall ( a place my Grandmas lives and where i spent my childhood holidays. I love silence.

That's a really happy paragraph. That felt good to type.

Poppet35

It drives me crazy trying to figure things out. I sit there thinking how I don't understand what is happening and why she does what she does. Why wouldn't she let me take the dog out so she could have space, why did she insist on coming too. Why did I need to have to say "I'll take dog for a walk, so you can have time to read your book" .
Sorry. It's maddening. I try not to understand now just accept and try and find a solution.

Thank you for taking time to message - I hope you find your way in your situation too.

And yes the big question is: Why do I allow this?

dandylion

Poppet....what kinds of books do you like to read....?
What kinds of music do you like?.....(I note that you are in the UK...do you know who Van Morrison is?...He is my absolute favorite!!)....
You like to sew...do you also l ike to design clothes, etc.?

Would I be correct in assuming that you are, primarily, an introvert..?

dandylion

Poppet..."Why do I allow this?".......I would surmise that you are very co-dependent and have literally lost yourself and your own identity in this relationship.....

Poppet35

I've never thought of myself as an introvert as I am happy in social situations although I prefer a smaller group to a large group of people. Having said that I do rather prefer individual pursuits and am happy spending time with a good book. In fact I think that is probably my favourite thing to do. I would love a room full of books, a comfy chair and fire to sit by.

Hmmm...books - well I go through phases of reading a lot of non-fiction e.g. about North Korea, China, people's travels in Alsaka, Vietnam the jungle, environmental books and then I have phases of reading non-fiction and I like spooky/ghost stories and gentle thrillers, nice easy reading. (I'm in fiction mood at the moment).

With regards music I don't really have favourites I tend to just like music regardless of the artist, if it sounds jolly and I can sing along I love it - loving cake by the ocean at the moment and Tilted by Christine and the Queens. I have heard of Van Morrison and I'm sure I know some of his music - do you have a favourite track? My ultimate 2 favourite pieces of music are Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd, and Genesis - shoreline.

I am very much a beginner with sewing. I am currently doing battle with my sewing machine and cushion zips. I am not winning. I have 2 more cushions to do and I'm hoping the last cushion zip will have a straight line sewing it on. I wold love to make all my own clothes, unfortunately fabric is horribly expensive in the UK and makes making your own clothes a bit unaffordable. I envy all the sewers in the US, they seem to have access to amazing patterns and more affordable fabric. Do you sew? I have to be in a good mood to sew because I'm still learning and I get frustrated with myself.

Oh dear I waffled rather - thank you for asking me. I feel a little bit lifted by that. Thinking about me!

Poppet35

Dandylion I believe you are right. I do feel I have lost me in all this. I don't do so many things because the relationship is in turmoil. It never seems to be out of turmoil anymore no matter how hard i try I trip up.

At the start of the relationship I didn't want to lose her, I wanted to please her and make her happy so I don't think I was exactly the real me (but not in a bad way) I let my hair down, did things I wouldn't normally do. Im surprise i didn't lose my job as i took liberties which is not me at all. That is where is all started. And it was me that started it.

dandylion

Poppet.....lol...I have tried my hand at sewing, several times, but, found that I was short on the patience required... I would love to be proficient, though!
I did design my own clothes, lots of times...including my own wedding dress .....
I always have found it hard to find well fitting clothes, off the rack....
It is also easier to have flattering garments when it is possible to pick the right fabric and design...lol.....
Of course, I have always had to find a dressmaker....
It is a great idea to make your own cushions! They are soo expensive to buy...even the shoddy ones!

Van Morrison---you might try to start with his older work....Like "Into The Mystic" and "Tupelo Honey". He has made about 40 albums....
He was knighted this year...Now, he is "Sir van Morrison"....
He is from Belfast. I married a man from Belfast...and he didn't even know who Van Morrison was!! (unbelievable).......

I mostly read non fiction, also....but, I have always loved Charles Dickens! (I visited his home, once).......

LexieCat

Just think--if you weren't expending all this energy on this no-win relationship, you could nurture all those things you love doing. Nurture your kids and discover new things together (my kids and I love talking about books and music--and we both take each other's recommendations seriously).

And in doing that, there's a much better chance that eventually, when the time is right, you will meet someone who won't want you to be someone you're not. Who will love you for the amazing person you are in your own right.

schnappi99

Cool The 2nd half of the exercise is to go do some of that stuff. Freely invest your mind, body and spirit into it... let the hurt and confusion and be where it needs to be and you be elsewhere doing something else.

Poppet35

That currently is where all my brain power and effort goes to at the moment. I dont have much left for me.

I reckon i would do more of what i love even if it was reading and reading and reading.

Shes out at her mums and i feel peaceful altho a little on edge every time i hear a car. Its horrible but i don't want her to come home this evening. I just want to climb in bed and sleep.

dandylion

Poppet....if you "jump' every time you hear a car....that is definitely not normal.....
Can you see how much this relationship is negatively affecting your health?

Flavia2

Poppet - my husband used to say the same crap, that if it wasn't for me he wouldn't be drinking, he'd be happy and on and on. The when he moved out, still he would drink. He wanted it to be my fault, wanted to blame someone. I think he really believed it, too. Until he had to face up to the fact that it just wasn't true.

Love Cake by the Ocean!