why won't she take responsibility for herself
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
why won't she take responsibility for herself
She wants to quit smoking
Was supposed to do it for this Monday
Yesterday she didn't get up til noon and then insisted on taking dog out for long walk
She wanted to read her stop smoking book beforehand over the weekend but she hasnt - apparently because she hasnt been given time to
I told her she could have all of today as i would do all things that need doing bar going to her mum's. And still she hasn't been given time
She's had time to play on her ipad though
Her behaviour suggests she thinks its my fault
Why will she not take responsibility for the fact she hasnt made time to read the book
Its screwing my head again. Everything i suggest is thrown back at me. I know this isn't my fault. Why do i feel like she thinks it is.
Shes ill too with a horrible cold and I've done nothing but try to take care of her and on Friday night she threw that back in my face too because i keep saying she should take paracetamol to ease the symptoms. Thats me not listening abd thinking i know everything.
Was supposed to do it for this Monday
Yesterday she didn't get up til noon and then insisted on taking dog out for long walk
She wanted to read her stop smoking book beforehand over the weekend but she hasnt - apparently because she hasnt been given time to
I told her she could have all of today as i would do all things that need doing bar going to her mum's. And still she hasn't been given time
She's had time to play on her ipad though
Her behaviour suggests she thinks its my fault
Why will she not take responsibility for the fact she hasnt made time to read the book
Its screwing my head again. Everything i suggest is thrown back at me. I know this isn't my fault. Why do i feel like she thinks it is.
Shes ill too with a horrible cold and I've done nothing but try to take care of her and on Friday night she threw that back in my face too because i keep saying she should take paracetamol to ease the symptoms. Thats me not listening abd thinking i know everything.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Poppet--please don't take this too hard, but the question I would be asking is "Why won't Poppet take responsibility for herself?"
What does Poppet want? Has she made time for it?
You are only her victim if you choose to be. Her problems are exactly that, hers.
What does Poppet want? Has she made time for it?
You are only her victim if you choose to be. Her problems are exactly that, hers.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Another good question would be, "Why does Poppet think she will suddenly start taking responsibility for herself when she never has?"
This is an exact repeat of everything you've been posting about since you've been on the list. This is NOT new or surprising behavior on her part.
And, as usual, you are wracking your brain trying to figure out how you caused it, and how you can fix it.
See the pattern? Nothing changes if nothing changes.
This is an exact repeat of everything you've been posting about since you've been on the list. This is NOT new or surprising behavior on her part.
And, as usual, you are wracking your brain trying to figure out how you caused it, and how you can fix it.
See the pattern? Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If you know it is not your fault why do you CARE if she thinks it is?
Poppet. My friend. Nothing has changed since you first started posting. You are still just as engaged in this emotionally abusive dance as always. It is long past time to stop wondering about why she does what she does and instead focus on why you do what you do.
You cannot fix her. You cannot expect her to change so that you are more comfortable with your life. You cannot find wholeness and completeness from someone else.
Most importantly, you deserve much more than you are settling for.
Poppet. My friend. Nothing has changed since you first started posting. You are still just as engaged in this emotionally abusive dance as always. It is long past time to stop wondering about why she does what she does and instead focus on why you do what you do.
You cannot fix her. You cannot expect her to change so that you are more comfortable with your life. You cannot find wholeness and completeness from someone else.
Most importantly, you deserve much more than you are settling for.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
I'm sorry. I need to just vent a bit.
Apparently mondays date was a nice date and she'd have her mums to escape from me to if she needed to as her parents are away.
Shes pissed off i didnt give the weekend to her, that her stopping smoking wasn't important enough to me to drop everything for her this weekend.
I tried to say I'd walk dog but my suggested walk wasnt good enough even tho i tried to retract and say id do a longer walk. And because she didn't get yesterday she's not even bothered today.
I've tried to suggest she read her book over next 2 days, if there is another nice date she likes but she's just so hung up on my not dropping everything for her this weekend even tho she stood for ages in a shop whilst i looked at dresses (which was her suggestion not mine for a dress for her brothers wedding)
She doesn't seem to want to find a solution just go over how the opportunity is gone and i don't care enough.
Am i a horrible person? What do i do?
Ps I had no idea paracetamol was bad for alcoholics. I'm not suggesting medicine anymore as i got it thrown back at me.
I dont understand her at all
Apparently mondays date was a nice date and she'd have her mums to escape from me to if she needed to as her parents are away.
Shes pissed off i didnt give the weekend to her, that her stopping smoking wasn't important enough to me to drop everything for her this weekend.
I tried to say I'd walk dog but my suggested walk wasnt good enough even tho i tried to retract and say id do a longer walk. And because she didn't get yesterday she's not even bothered today.
I've tried to suggest she read her book over next 2 days, if there is another nice date she likes but she's just so hung up on my not dropping everything for her this weekend even tho she stood for ages in a shop whilst i looked at dresses (which was her suggestion not mine for a dress for her brothers wedding)
She doesn't seem to want to find a solution just go over how the opportunity is gone and i don't care enough.
Am i a horrible person? What do i do?
Ps I had no idea paracetamol was bad for alcoholics. I'm not suggesting medicine anymore as i got it thrown back at me.
I dont understand her at all
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Do you see that you will never be able to do the right thing with her? Can you accept that that is entirely about HER and her own insecurity and has literally nothing to do with what you do or don't do? The more you try to meet her expectations, the further she raises the bar. Is that how you want to live?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Incidentally, it's pretty clear she doesn't REALLY "want to quit smoking."
Back when I was still drinking, I used to get up on the weekends wishing the desire to drink had magically gone away during the night. Of course, it never did. This is the same kind of magical thinking she does with smoking, or anything else. She doesn't want to do the hard work, and she blames you for her own failure to do that.
Back when I was still drinking, I used to get up on the weekends wishing the desire to drink had magically gone away during the night. Of course, it never did. This is the same kind of magical thinking she does with smoking, or anything else. She doesn't want to do the hard work, and she blames you for her own failure to do that.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Poppet.....For a moment...just imagine that you were an alcoholic...deep into yourdisease---and asking the forum for help. You would be advised to get help for yourself---typically in a 12 step program and individual therapy....as the disease is controlling your life and will destroy you, if left unaddressed.
Poppet, you are in that same position, as a person who is exhibiting extreme co-dependency traits.
I am hoping ...as I am sure that others on this forum are...that you will have a moment of clarity where you will see the need to get help for your co-dependency.
You came here to vent...and, that was the right thing to do....There must be a part of yourself that is wanting to climb out of the private h*** that you are surely living in.
I hope that you will always come here....and, I believe that you need even more...You need the support of other living p ersons...on a daily basis....THE HUMAN CONNECTION OF SUPPORT GROUPS MAY BE THE MOST THERAPEUTIC AND HEALING ASPECTS!
I hope that that little voice of your TRUE self that is crying out for help will continue crying out so loud that the co-deoendent part of yourself will "hear" it....
There have been lots of people, here on the forum that lived the way you are for years, and years...5. 10. 20. 30, 40, years...I have seen written here.
You have the opportunity to stop the elevator of self-denial and misery and get off at any point!
Don't let the short-term pain of change deny you the joy you could have as you live out the rest of your life......
Keep coming...keep posting...keep reading....and, for the love of life, get help for yourself.....
Poppet, you are in that same position, as a person who is exhibiting extreme co-dependency traits.
I am hoping ...as I am sure that others on this forum are...that you will have a moment of clarity where you will see the need to get help for your co-dependency.
You came here to vent...and, that was the right thing to do....There must be a part of yourself that is wanting to climb out of the private h*** that you are surely living in.
I hope that you will always come here....and, I believe that you need even more...You need the support of other living p ersons...on a daily basis....THE HUMAN CONNECTION OF SUPPORT GROUPS MAY BE THE MOST THERAPEUTIC AND HEALING ASPECTS!
I hope that that little voice of your TRUE self that is crying out for help will continue crying out so loud that the co-deoendent part of yourself will "hear" it....
There have been lots of people, here on the forum that lived the way you are for years, and years...5. 10. 20. 30, 40, years...I have seen written here.
You have the opportunity to stop the elevator of self-denial and misery and get off at any point!
Don't let the short-term pain of change deny you the joy you could have as you live out the rest of your life......
Keep coming...keep posting...keep reading....and, for the love of life, get help for yourself.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you are in a NEVER WIN situation.....it doesn't matter WHAT the topic is, you will NEVER get thru to her. EVER. this has been going on for a long time, and you come back time and again as if it is all new to you and if you just say the right thing in the right way, she will wake up.
She's not Sleeping Beauty - she is someone who will continue to act hostile towards you, blame you for EVERYTHING.
there is a solution.
QUIT.
She's not Sleeping Beauty - she is someone who will continue to act hostile towards you, blame you for EVERYTHING.
there is a solution.
QUIT.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
I'm shattered this morning. She came to bed about 4izh and jut muttered and muttered, waking me and then of course my anxiety kicks in an prevents me sleeping.
She's convinced she dying and I don't give a hoot.
You're all right I need help. I tried reading co dependancy for dummies but it's very formal so I've ordered a book by melody beattie which sounds me human and relatable.
I must sound a bit mad, I know hi is what happens, he pattern o her behaviour yesterday evening was exactly th same as always. Her behaviour today will be too. I not know why I even though apologising and suggesting a solution would get heard.
If she wants to stop smoking so badly she should do it whatever.
I know I'm no responsible for he health, I are that she is clearly ill but she won't go to a Dr.
I bet you all knew I'd be back.
You're right, I'm always looking for the right thing to say or do. I hate having to think so hard all the time.
I've started bak thinking about a therapist, I'm always thinking of running away.
She's convinced she dying and I don't give a hoot.
You're all right I need help. I tried reading co dependancy for dummies but it's very formal so I've ordered a book by melody beattie which sounds me human and relatable.
I must sound a bit mad, I know hi is what happens, he pattern o her behaviour yesterday evening was exactly th same as always. Her behaviour today will be too. I not know why I even though apologising and suggesting a solution would get heard.
If she wants to stop smoking so badly she should do it whatever.
I know I'm no responsible for he health, I are that she is clearly ill but she won't go to a Dr.
I bet you all knew I'd be back.
You're right, I'm always looking for the right thing to say or do. I hate having to think so hard all the time.
I've started bak thinking about a therapist, I'm always thinking of running away.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
As a smoker, I think I need to weigh in on this convo.
Maybe she enjoys smoking. Did she smoke when you met her? It's funny, when I was going thru the chaos with my exabf my therapist told me it would probably be harder for me to quit smoking then for him to quit drinking. He may have something there.....
I myself quit smoking for 8 years. Yes, 8 years! You would have thought I'd be over it by then and would never pick up another cigarette. Unfortunately, most of my family are social smokers. I found out the hard way the I was not one of them. Oh how I wish.
What I will tell you is this. When/if I am ready to quit smoking again it will be for me and me only. Much like the addiction to alcohol, if I did it for anyone else I'd only be sneaky about it. As far as what other people say about my smoking? If they don't like it, there's the door..... ( of the house that I own ).
Hope that helps.
Ro
Maybe she enjoys smoking. Did she smoke when you met her? It's funny, when I was going thru the chaos with my exabf my therapist told me it would probably be harder for me to quit smoking then for him to quit drinking. He may have something there.....
I myself quit smoking for 8 years. Yes, 8 years! You would have thought I'd be over it by then and would never pick up another cigarette. Unfortunately, most of my family are social smokers. I found out the hard way the I was not one of them. Oh how I wish.
What I will tell you is this. When/if I am ready to quit smoking again it will be for me and me only. Much like the addiction to alcohol, if I did it for anyone else I'd only be sneaky about it. As far as what other people say about my smoking? If they don't like it, there's the door..... ( of the house that I own ).
Hope that helps.
Ro
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Brighton
Posts: 168
Originally Posted by Lilro 
As a smoker, I think I need to weigh in on this convo.
Maybe she enjoys smoking. Did she smoke when you met her? It's funny, when I was going thru the chaos with my exabf my therapist told me it would probably be harder for me to quit smoking then for him to quit drinking. He may have something there.....
I myself quit smoking for 8 years. Yes, 8 years! You would have thought I'd be over it by then and would never pick up another cigarette. Unfortunately, most of my family are social smokers. I found out the hard way the I was not one of them. Oh how I wish.
What I will tell you is this. When/if I am ready to quit smoking again it will be for me and me only. Much like the addiction to alcohol, if I did it for anyone else I'd only be sneaky about it. As far as what other people say about my smoking? If they don't like it, there's the door..... ( of the house that I own ).
Hope that helps.
Ro
Maybe she enjoys smoking. Did she smoke when you met her? It's funny, when I was going thru the chaos with my exabf my therapist told me it would probably be harder for me to quit smoking then for him to quit drinking. He may have something there.....
I myself quit smoking for 8 years. Yes, 8 years! You would have thought I'd be over it by then and would never pick up another cigarette. Unfortunately, most of my family are social smokers. I found out the hard way the I was not one of them. Oh how I wish.
What I will tell you is this. When/if I am ready to quit smoking again it will be for me and me only. Much like the addiction to alcohol, if I did it for anyone else I'd only be sneaky about it. As far as what other people say about my smoking? If they don't like it, there's the door..... ( of the house that I own ).
Hope that helps.
Ro
If you had firmly decided to stop smoking would you allow anything to get in the way. Would you belligerently not read the book you wanted to read, would you belligerently not stop smoking because your partner had messed up?
I read her stop smoking book to see if that would help me help her. Every time she fails she blames me. She points out that if I'm not around she can stop smoking (oh and drinking) but when I'm around she drinks and smokes. Is that me or is that her?
I know it's an addiction but am I really to blame?
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Incidentally, it's pretty clear she doesn't REALLY "want to quit smoking."
Back when I was still drinking, I used to get up on the weekends wishing the desire to drink had magically gone away during the night. Of course, it never did. This is the same kind of magical thinking she does with smoking, or anything else. She doesn't want to do the hard work, and she blames you for her own failure to do that.
Back when I was still drinking, I used to get up on the weekends wishing the desire to drink had magically gone away during the night. Of course, it never did. This is the same kind of magical thinking she does with smoking, or anything else. She doesn't want to do the hard work, and she blames you for her own failure to do that.
What is really frustrating is i did say I would take the dog out but she wouldn't let me, and now it's my fault she didn't read her book.
What I'm struggling with is how, she says she wants to stop but she now refuses to read the book and even think about stopping and all because I didn't let her read the book this weekend and this means everything I have said and done are all lies. And they aren't and I offered to take the dog out but she insists I didn't. I think I've been doing that "jade-ing" thing which is a disaster.
She blames me for her smoking and her drinking. I don't blame anyone but myself for my situation. I might have horrible co-dependency but I don't blame anyone but myself for where I find myself.
She's sometimes so unpleasant. I...read that "I" bought a computer with the boys maintenance money for the boys to do their homework on but she now has an issue with it being the boys computer and not called a family computer. But it was money that was for the boys and i always spend it on the boys. I don't see the problem. (sorry I just needed to get that out).
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Location: Brighton
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Originally Posted by TimeForMe
Poppet...
YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR ANY OF IT. Nor can you FIX any of it. She has been blaming you for everything. If she blamed you because it was raining out, would you go outside and beg the sun to come out?
YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR ANY OF IT. Nor can you FIX any of it. She has been blaming you for everything. If she blamed you because it was raining out, would you go outside and beg the sun to come out?
I know it's not my fault but when time and time again someone insists it's your fault they are smoking, they are dying you start questioning yourself. Could I have done more? Why didn't I just say it this way? And so on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
No my love. This had NOTHING to do with you. If she wanted to stop smoking she'd stop. If wanted to stop drinking she'd stop. If she wanted to read the book she'd read it. My point being, you can't make other people do something for someone else. They ONLY thing you could do is what YOU WANT to do for you. Why continue to bang your head against the wall?? She doesn't have a problem with the things she does, you do. With that being said, it's your move. How do you want to handle it for YOU? NOT HER, you?
Big hug. I know it's hard. It's time to start thinking about your wants and needs, no?
Ro
Big hug. I know it's hard. It's time to start thinking about your wants and needs, no?
Ro
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Poppet35
I have stood up to her and said it's not my fault in the past but she tells me how the relationship (we don't really have one anymore) is the cause and that when I'm not around she is fine.
I know it's not my fault but when time and time again someone insists it's your fault they are smoking, they are dying you start questioning yourself. Could I have done more? Why didn't I just say it this way? And so on.
I know it's not my fault but when time and time again someone insists it's your fault they are smoking, they are dying you start questioning yourself. Could I have done more? Why didn't I just say it this way? And so on.
If she were really willing and ready to change, nothing on EARTH would prevent her.
The same, incidentally, is true for you.
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