Text from alcoholic ex
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Text from alcoholic ex
It's been two years since my ex alcoholic boyfriend walked out on me during my heart surgery. He has been texting lately telling me how remorseful he is for what he did and apologizing saying he his looking into getting help. I accepted the apology but told him actions speak louder than words. He never got help but he is a procrastinator He asked me to a football game like I would just suddenly meet up with him which I thought was weird after all the pain he caused. That's normal right to decline. Then a few weeks later I get nasty possibly drunk texts about how I'm a bitch. How he had a threesome earlier today etc etc. if your sorry for hurting me why do it again. I've wanted to block his number but I'm afraid that if he reaches out to me for help I will miss it. But I can't take much more. He did a similar thing on New Years before he apologized saying I was so ugly he had to imagine another women's face on me and that I'm boring in bed etc. I want this part of him out of my life but my friend said if I loved him I wouldn't be able to leave him. I'm just sick of it. I'm 37 and get enough abuse as a mental health nurse. I don't need his too but a small part of me still cares ugh
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Hi Charis, why are you still in touch? I know the reason you give is in case he reaches out for help, but he's your EX. I can promise you that if he really wants recovery it won't be because of you, but because he took the simple steps all for himself.
Maybe have a think about why you're hanging on. Is there some other reason? And for heavens sake, if your friend thinks you should stay with someone who abuses you, she needs her head examined.
You've got your whole life ahead of you; leave this loser behind.
Maybe have a think about why you're hanging on. Is there some other reason? And for heavens sake, if your friend thinks you should stay with someone who abuses you, she needs her head examined.
You've got your whole life ahead of you; leave this loser behind.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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chris78......your friend must have been raised on the pablum (a baby cereal) of Hollywood movies and cheap romance novels....lol.....
My dear...he is abusive. Abuse isn't just physical....the words he said to you can leave scars just as much as punches....In fact, I think they already have.....
You sound like you might be co-dependent. I suggest that you read "Co-dependent No More". It is practically the "bible" in these parts.
I think it will resonate a lot with you.....
As a mental health nurse...surely you know that if he ever did REALLY want help, that he is fully capable of getting it himself....those who really want help will do anything to get it.......
My dear...he is abusive. Abuse isn't just physical....the words he said to you can leave scars just as much as punches....In fact, I think they already have.....
You sound like you might be co-dependent. I suggest that you read "Co-dependent No More". It is practically the "bible" in these parts.
I think it will resonate a lot with you.....
As a mental health nurse...surely you know that if he ever did REALLY want help, that he is fully capable of getting it himself....those who really want help will do anything to get it.......
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Yeah, block him. Do you have visions of being the one to "save" him? Being a nurse in the mental health field, you're a caretaker by nature, I would assume, but it's one thing to be paid for your services, and another to have emotional entanglements clouding your judgment.
I've been sober for eight years, and been around AA since my first husband got sober 36 years ago, and I've yet to hear an alcoholic say he or she could never have gotten sober but for the loyal girlfriend/boyfriend who was there when s/he reached out for help. I HAVE heard people share that they finally got sober when the were left without friends or loved ones and realized their lives were in their own hands.
I've been sober for eight years, and been around AA since my first husband got sober 36 years ago, and I've yet to hear an alcoholic say he or she could never have gotten sober but for the loyal girlfriend/boyfriend who was there when s/he reached out for help. I HAVE heard people share that they finally got sober when the were left without friends or loved ones and realized their lives were in their own hands.
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No I don't have visions lol. I just wanted to be available if he asks me for help and feel guilty when I block him. But now I think is it worth it reading all those nasty texts in case one day he needs to know how to get help.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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What would you hope that a much loved friend would do in your situation?
My suggestion is, like others have said, to cut ties with this abusive man by blocking him and staying away, and work some on your own recovery from this relationship, and learn how to value one without the drama of abuse behind it (easier said than done sometimes). CoDa or AlAnon would be good places to reach out.
My suggestion is, like others have said, to cut ties with this abusive man by blocking him and staying away, and work some on your own recovery from this relationship, and learn how to value one without the drama of abuse behind it (easier said than done sometimes). CoDa or AlAnon would be good places to reach out.
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charis.....SERIOUSLY?........those nasty texts that you think are worth your reading....(gasp)...call you a "bitch"...says that you are so ugly he has to imagine another woman's head...that you are boring in bed...and how he had a threesome, earlier....
You think that your emotional pain is worth it?
so that you can show him how to get help......
Honestly, that sounds more like human sacrifice, to me.....
Please, please, read the book that I recommended.....
I really do think , like Lexie suggested, that you do see yourself as his "savior"....
do you really think that he is so addled and
mentally deficient that he doesn't know how to get help....?
I'll bet that any of the women that he had the threesome with would answer his call in the middle of the night....They could tell him to go to the E.R. or to go to an AA meeting....
You think that your emotional pain is worth it?
so that you can show him how to get help......
Honestly, that sounds more like human sacrifice, to me.....
Please, please, read the book that I recommended.....
I really do think , like Lexie suggested, that you do see yourself as his "savior"....
do you really think that he is so addled and
mentally deficient that he doesn't know how to get help....?
I'll bet that any of the women that he had the threesome with would answer his call in the middle of the night....They could tell him to go to the E.R. or to go to an AA meeting....
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If he really wanted your help, he wouldn't be sending you those nasty texts.
If he was really sorry, he wouldn't be expecting a response from you after he apologized. Because if he was truly apologizing and he was truly sorry, he would acknowledge that the rift he caused by his behavior could be irreparable. He wouldn't be expecting anything from you at all.
Your friend. Sigh. Did she actually say that you still need to be in touch with him? Geez Louise. OK, there are some people in my life that will always be in my heart, even though the relationship ended years ago. So yes, perhaps he'll never leave your heart and perhaps you'll always wish the best for him. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't block him.
And frankly, there's a reason why they don't allow doctors/nurses to treat family members. You're too close to the situation and your judgment can be impaired.
If he was really sorry, he wouldn't be expecting a response from you after he apologized. Because if he was truly apologizing and he was truly sorry, he would acknowledge that the rift he caused by his behavior could be irreparable. He wouldn't be expecting anything from you at all.
Your friend. Sigh. Did she actually say that you still need to be in touch with him? Geez Louise. OK, there are some people in my life that will always be in my heart, even though the relationship ended years ago. So yes, perhaps he'll never leave your heart and perhaps you'll always wish the best for him. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't block him.
And frankly, there's a reason why they don't allow doctors/nurses to treat family members. You're too close to the situation and your judgment can be impaired.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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As a fellow nurse myself and as I'm learning too...leave the "saving" to your patients and not to personal relationships. Ugh that's just plain hurtful and mean what he has said to you. Block him asap. If he wants to embrace recovery and show you one day he's a changed man he can figure out how to get in touch with you. In the meantime you don't deserve to be treated like this.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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What is it with the texting? Is it only me that see's a problem with it??? Does anyone ever pick up the phone and call anymore?? Ugh!!! It's way too easy to type things that you would never say if you were actually having a conversation, no??
Anyway.... I'm confused! What is it that you need to feel guilty about?!?!? Huh?
Typical alcoholic abusive behavior is what you are dealing with. Nothing more, nothing less. As for his threesome? Yeah, I doubt it, whiskey dick. Whatever.
Do yourself a HUGE favor. Block him. If he ever does find sobriety believe me, he will find a way to contact you if you are that important to him. It is not your job to HELP him. It's his job to HELP HIMSELF.
Big hug, I know it's hard. I also know that you deserve better, I'm sure of it!
Ro
Anyway.... I'm confused! What is it that you need to feel guilty about?!?!? Huh?
Typical alcoholic abusive behavior is what you are dealing with. Nothing more, nothing less. As for his threesome? Yeah, I doubt it, whiskey dick. Whatever.
Do yourself a HUGE favor. Block him. If he ever does find sobriety believe me, he will find a way to contact you if you are that important to him. It is not your job to HELP him. It's his job to HELP HIMSELF.
Big hug, I know it's hard. I also know that you deserve better, I'm sure of it!
Ro
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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You can't swing a cat without hitting some ad, or documentary, or website about how to get help for a drug or alcohol problem. He doesn't NEED you.
Look, if it helps relieve your (unwarranted) guilt, send him one last email with the subject line "Save this email"
Tell him you don't want to hear from him again. Tell him you are blocking his number, texts, and email address.
Tell him you do care what happens to him, so JUST IN CASE he decides he wants help with his alcohol problem, here's where he can find help. List AA (and any other recovery programs you know of), detoxes, rehabs, etc., and tell him if he decides to quit drinking it should be medically supervised, and if he ever has scary symptoms to call the ER, and list that number.
Seriously. I left my second husband when he went back to drinking after a near-death episode of kidney/liver failure (he recovered and was diagnosed with EARLY cirrhosis, and he would be fine if he never drank again). I realized I had done everything in MY power to help him, and at that point I placed him in the hands of his OWN Higher Power. I don't feel I abandoned him--I saved myself and turned him over to something much more powerful than I am.
This sort of nonsense can go on for years and years. It isn't "worth it" when he can find the help he needs very easily, without your assistance.
Look, if it helps relieve your (unwarranted) guilt, send him one last email with the subject line "Save this email"
Tell him you don't want to hear from him again. Tell him you are blocking his number, texts, and email address.
Tell him you do care what happens to him, so JUST IN CASE he decides he wants help with his alcohol problem, here's where he can find help. List AA (and any other recovery programs you know of), detoxes, rehabs, etc., and tell him if he decides to quit drinking it should be medically supervised, and if he ever has scary symptoms to call the ER, and list that number.
Seriously. I left my second husband when he went back to drinking after a near-death episode of kidney/liver failure (he recovered and was diagnosed with EARLY cirrhosis, and he would be fine if he never drank again). I realized I had done everything in MY power to help him, and at that point I placed him in the hands of his OWN Higher Power. I don't feel I abandoned him--I saved myself and turned him over to something much more powerful than I am.
This sort of nonsense can go on for years and years. It isn't "worth it" when he can find the help he needs very easily, without your assistance.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Big hug to you Charis this sounds tough.
I second what everyone else has said. If he decides he wants to quit and recovery, you absolutely should NOT be the one to help him. There are many many others out there who can and will help him.
Take care of yourself which for many of us is the hardest thing to do!
I second what everyone else has said. If he decides he wants to quit and recovery, you absolutely should NOT be the one to help him. There are many many others out there who can and will help him.
Take care of yourself which for many of us is the hardest thing to do!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
In earlier relationships, before I met and married XAH, I accepted some terrible treatment along those same lines, too. I had the misguided idea that enduring that abuse showed that I was a strong and worthy person. Well, maybe so, maybe no. What was missing for me was the understanding that, while I might be "strong and worthy" b/c I was able to endure such crap, the person dishing it out WAS NOT WORTHY OF ME. And so what would the point be in my continuing down that road?
I would suggest the same is true in your situation, charis.
I would imagine that in your professional life, you have to detach, you have to realize that the mentally ill person you're dealing with is doing the only thing he/she knows how to do. However, in your personal life, viewing someone that is supposed to be an equal, a partner, someone to work together with you to make a life, in that same light is a recipe for heartbreak and disaster. You seem to have understood this to some degree in that he is your X, but as others have said, the final and clean cut needs to be made.
This summed it up for me:
I would suggest the same is true in your situation, charis.
I would imagine that in your professional life, you have to detach, you have to realize that the mentally ill person you're dealing with is doing the only thing he/she knows how to do. However, in your personal life, viewing someone that is supposed to be an equal, a partner, someone to work together with you to make a life, in that same light is a recipe for heartbreak and disaster. You seem to have understood this to some degree in that he is your X, but as others have said, the final and clean cut needs to be made.
This summed it up for me:
I realized I had done everything in MY power to help him, and at that point I placed him in the hands of his OWN Higher Power. I don't feel I abandoned him--I saved myself and turned him over to something much more powerful than I am.
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I'm still hung up on what your girlfriend said.
I could be totally off base here, but it strikes me as highly inappropriate to tell a girlfriend "If you loved him you wouldn't be able to leave him". Not only is it horrible advice. It's judgmental.
You may want to think about limiting contact with her as well while you sort this out. It doesn't sound like she makes it any easier.
I could be totally off base here, but it strikes me as highly inappropriate to tell a girlfriend "If you loved him you wouldn't be able to leave him". Not only is it horrible advice. It's judgmental.
You may want to think about limiting contact with her as well while you sort this out. It doesn't sound like she makes it any easier.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
People can change but over time (years not days or months) and you can tell with a difference in their behavior. He may have the genuine desire and feeling but it makes no difference if there is no follow through.
I went back and forth like this with my AH and I am embarrassed for all the things I put up with. You have to ask yourself the hard questions like I had to...why do you feel you deserve to be treated like that? I was just as sick as he was for MANY years engaged in a toxic dance. If he really wants help, he will get it with or without you. I promise. Guard your heart.
I went back and forth like this with my AH and I am embarrassed for all the things I put up with. You have to ask yourself the hard questions like I had to...why do you feel you deserve to be treated like that? I was just as sick as he was for MANY years engaged in a toxic dance. If he really wants help, he will get it with or without you. I promise. Guard your heart.
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