Cityboy

Background- I was the alcoholic father until 14 months ago. Have always spent time with him, but worry that I may have been a little verbally abusive at times, mostly just in a non-understanding and non-supportive way. Spent a lot of time not being able to see much past my own problems.

My kid is nearly 18. We are on decent terms for a dad and 17 year old boy I suppose. I worry about him so much that I have a lot of anxiety. He is overweight, scratches his face to the point of keeping sores, and barely cares to do anything other than play on his phone. I have tried to talk with him about it, but have had only limited luck.

Suppose that I'm looking to hear thoughts from those who have been through a similar situation.

nez

My thoughts would be, to be the role model that you would want for yourself.

Hawkeye13

Has he had access to counseling with a therapist familiar with alcoholism and family alcoholic issues?

That would be very helpful in processing emotions.

trailmix

Well I don't know that my situation is that similar but I did have an alcoholic Father.

First of all, he really does need counselling, the way he is acting is so far from normal and getting him set up now with that counselling will help him to have a good life going forward.

Having an alcoholic parent (or any kind of dysfunction) in a family produces different results, there are so many variables. My Father never did give up drinking, although he wasn't drunk each and every day, when he wasn't drinking, generally he was either silent or grouchy. He was not supportive or unsupportive - he was just there. We were never close.

It did have an effect on all of us - alcoholism affects everyone around it. The more support you can be for him now the better, I hope he will accept some counselling help.

Cityboy

Thanks for the responses.

I've looked into some local family therapists. They are only making appointments for remote sessions, which seemed as though it would not be as helpful. Maybe I should just try a zoom session and see how it goes.

ladyscribbler

I just want to say, it's likely that his memories of the relationship are different than yours. I grew up in alcoholic/codependent households, and there are things that my parents don't remember at all, or much differently. My brother and I had the same parents, and some of our memories of the same events are also very different.
My dad eventually quit drinking (got caught at work, apparently). My brother had a conversation with him about it. Our dad said something like, "You should be happy I quit drinking; I don't know what I ever did to you kids." I know you're not trying to minimize your son's experience, because you're here asking for guidance, but it's important to understand that your perspective is likely much different than his.
All the best to you and your family.

SparkleKitty

If remote sessions are what you can get right now, my suggestion is not to wait. The sooner you begin to deal with this as a family, the better.

mylifeismine

I second the other posters and also believe alateen is very helpful
in conjunction with therapy (with an alcohol/addition educated therapist).
It may take a few alateen meetings before he finds one that "fits"
but it will be invaluable in helping him understand. There are zoom
meetings and maybe some in person now.

Sleepyhollo

This very much, he is almost 18 so he’s pretty much just known you as an alcoholic growing up. Once my ex and I went to marriage counseling after his rehab I realized how much he didn’t remember of our relationship and some things were very important and he has no recollection. He also tried to blame his lack of relationship with her on my speaking a different language with her when he is around. One that he speaks and understands ok mind you. I guess he needed to blame it on something other than where the blame really was....with him. He really wasn’t present for her the first 8 years of her life. Sure he did stuff with her from time to time but mostly I did all the child care and he was always tired and dunk. She was 8 when we divorced and luckily she doesn’t really remember his being drunk as that, just him being cranky and tired all the time. He’s been clean since she was 6.5 so she doesn’t remember too much other than him working and being tired and grumpy « because of work ».

Your son however more than likely has very distinct memories of you not being present emotionally even if you were physically. One thing they talked about when my now ex was in rehab is that is like a tornado for family, damaging and destroying everything in its path while the alcoholic is sleeping through all of it. Then they get clean, the tornado is gone and the alcoholic is wondering where all the damage came from because they don’t remember their being a tornado destroying everything. Your family remembers every little detail of how your drinking affected them. You probably don’t remember a lot of it at all so now you’re wondering why everything is not just hunky dory now that you are clean because you are clean after all (and congrats on the sobriety!) so everything should just be great.

Your probably really underestimate the damage it has done to those around you especially your son during his developing years. Doesn’t mean that cannot get better but it will take time and counseling for both of you. Even if he says he is fine he clearly is not. And that is nothing to be ashamed of for him, he has no fault in growing up with an alcoholic father. And even if he is almost 18 he may still think that he somehow has some blame in your drinking.

He is genetically predisposed to addiction. One of the biggest predictors of whether kids become addicts or not is whether or not they learned how to communicate and express themselves emotionally growing up (which when they grow up in a dysfunctional family is unlikely to be the case, heck I grew up without addiction but it was still dysfunctional and I didn’t learn how to communicate well or express my feelings which is how I ended up being a codependent ). It is never too late to learn but it will require time and therapy. He does not have healthy coping skills from the sounds of it and he won’t be able to learn them without help.

if you can find the documentary pleasure unwoven, I highly recommend watching it, both you and your son. It explains alcoholism very well in laymen’s term. It was done by a recovering physician.

You’ve been sober form14 months and that is really great. But that doesn’t mean that everything is going to be fine for everyone else as far as your relationship with them. They suffered a lot and you probably don’t quite understand how much. They probably also suffered mostly in silence which is a huge burden.

i was never one for therapy because after all I was strong and tough (because I never learned show to express my emotions). But really I was a codependent mess who put myself last always. Therapy really helped me a lot. I did weekly therapy for 2 years and never realized how much I needed it until I started. It helped me change myself. Therapy isn’t for wimps (guys often think that). In my opinion everyone would benefit from therapy. Many of us grow up without the right tools/coping skills/ learning how to set boundaries, even when no addiction is involved. Your son needs help processing and expressing his feelings. I hope you can help him realize that it would be good for him. And even if therapy in person is nicer, doing it online doesn’t make a huge difference.i have been doing online the last few months ( I still go every 6 weeks or so for « maintenance « ) and it works just fine.

Cityboy

Thanks again for all the replies.

I go for a physical day after tomorrow and I'm going to ask if they have an in-network family therapist.

Cityboy

I'll add that my kid just started going back to school in person within the last couple of weeks, since the pandemic started, and I can definitely tell a positive difference in his whole demeanor as a result.

There are definitely things related to my decades of drinking that could stand to be sorted out though, with my kid and wife, and with myself.