Matt0408

Be upfront with him, and in a calm manor express your concerns

LexieCat

Um, yeah.

That'd work.

Sheesh.

amy55

You're getting a lot of good advice here. I'm just thinking about how you are feeling now, and the emotional toll this took on you.

I know how I felt. I felt like I was just punched in the stomach, I couldn't breathe, to think and feel like I was with someone for so long, and they could treat me either like I didn't exist or that I didn't matter.

I only bring this up because many times I did know logically what I had to do. I did have to go through the emotional damage that it did to me each time.

I think this is an important thing for you to think about, because we really do need to be ready to leave. Emotionally and physically.

I just think you need a hug tonight.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) and more (((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

gbriezy

He definitely needs a roommate to get by. In our city (and specifically our neighborhood, which he loves and won't leave), he won't be able to afford his own place unless his parents supplement him. When he made the comment about his flaky friend, I got emotional and said something along the lines of: "Well maybe you shouldn't have made such a rash decision to move without even discussing it with me, etc." My tone was terrible and bitter. Maybe he's trying to give me a sob story to stay longer, but I'm not sure. His ego is definitely way too big to say "I'm sorry. I made a mistake I want to stay!" I should probably be glad for that, but it's still really painful.

gbriezy

Thank you Amy. It's so hard to walk away when you've spent so much time together. I'd love to be the type of person who can just strongly walk away when things aren't right, but I'm not. It's something I need to work on. Reading all of these stories of people who have put in a lot longer than I have really does give me pause. Do I want this same dysfunctional relationship 20, 30, 40 years down the road?

Nata1980

I like the way you are thinking - is this where you want to be in 5 years, kind a like interview question. About breakups - yes they are hard, no contact is a great help!

Agree with everyone, no contact for now, set a firm date, he is out after that.

If he starts whining about flaky friends/hard life/whatever - you can say - look, I feel for you but I need to move on and you are out.

I had hard time "kicking out" my XAH - my ex MIL still says I kicked him out. Well he was drinking, and I have a child. It was a safety issue. There is always a mission, sober living homes, what have you - provided he is sober.

amy55

I was married for 27 1/2 years. I don't think you want to go there. When someone can cut you off like you don't exist, and you keep trying and trying, until your last desperation and plea to them is can you just treat me like I am a human being !!!! This is where it goes to.

The reason I am posting to your thread is sometimes when we leave, we may feel that they will finally understand that they are losing us. Then we go back, time after time again, and each time we do it gets worse. I don't want you to go through that.

There are many logical things that we can do, but sometimes that void that we feel in ourselves control what we do, instead of logic.

I think during this time that you have before the apt is actually really gone, spend it getting some emotional support. Have you ever considered a DV support group? You may say why, I'm not being abused. I'll say to you that being with someone who does not show emotional feelings, is somewhat emotional abuse. Feeling like you don't matter is emotionally abusive. Perhaps he just doesn't have any empathy. Can you live with that? If you are thinking of having children, do you want them to grow up with someone who lacks empathy?

Now, I don't know him, and I don't know you. It's just that some of the things that you talk about are some of the things that I also went through.

So, some more ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) for you

amy

gbriezy

I've considered Al Anon, but not a DV support group. There has been DV in the past. It's something that comes to a head a couple times a year. It's always been a grey area for me because there have been times when I've pushed him or smacked him before in frustration/anger. In response, he's always been much more intense and volatile. I'm much smaller than him (5'3"), so I'm the one who's left with bruises and pain after these situations (I filed a police report once, years ago), but I always feel like I'm certainly a contributor -- whether it's my inability to just walk away after he gets crazy or I'm actually the one who gives the first shove. I will say though that there's something that happens to him when he's extremely angry -- his eyes look wild and he thrusts his tongue at his front teeth. He's completely out of control. When I see that face, I try my best to walk away, but sometimes it just makes me want to hit him for being so threatening. It's messed up.

Not that I'm trying to absolve myself from all blame (I'm ashamed, in fact), but I will say that in my relationship prior to him (which lasted about 4 years and we lived together), there was absolutely never anything close to violence/physical abuse from either me or him, so I don't think it's natural to me. I have no family history of it. My exAB however, was physically violent with both of his exGF's. Not sure the degree of violence, but I know it occurred. I saw an old Facebook message once from the young cousin (like 13 years old) of his exGF saying that he would kill my exAB if he ever touched her again.

After being in this relationship for as long as I have, I think my sense of what's okay and what's not okay is completely messed up. I lose my temper more. I'm less patient. I'm less kind. I have a lot more guilt. I allow myself to lose control more often.

LexieCat

In my work, we train cops and prosecutors about the "predominant aggressor" (who is generally the only party that should be arrested during a police response). A big guy doesn't need to physically harm a small woman to defend himself from a push or a slap. Not that pushing and slapping are OK--it isn't--but that doesn't constitute "abuse" in the same way as an assault that causes physical harm does, or even pushing/shoving with the intent to control one's partner.

It's very common to "normalize" or rationalize abuse. It never hurts to talk with an advocate or counselor, or to participate in a support group for survivors. Sometimes it can be very helpful in terms of opening your eyes to what's really going on.

amy55

gbriezy, I need to thank you for opening up like that.

I found that the hardest thing for me to do was to talk about things that were going on, because I, like you, felt like I was the guilty party. I was ashamed to talk about my part in the things that happened. There was this night I slapped my ex many, many times. I told him that if you call me a b!tch one more time, I'm going to slap you. He did call me that over and over again. I finally walked away from him, and I blamed myself for being abusive.

There was another time. He didn't come home from work, so I locked all the doors, even the garage door. We didn't use keys, we just came in through the garage. So he came home at 2 in the morning. Was banging on all the doors, I told him to go away that he was drunk. I finally unlocked the door, and he grabbed me by the throat and threw me out on the deck and locked me out. I also thought that was my fault.

I'm also 5'3. My ex was 6'4. So yes, I feel like I started most of the fights, but then I think back and I think I was trying to state boundaries, but didn't know how to do it. I am not saying that it was OK for me to slap him. Perhaps, I should have walked away, but sometimes we find that walking away is not the answer because they follow you and follow you,, and as they are following you they are trying to push every button that you have.

The thing is, we go through these things, and we just want the fighting to stop. We aren't really thinking about ourselves anymore. We just want the fighting to stop. We want those awful words to go away. We want to feel that we are loved. So we start to accept any crumbs from them that might feel like love, and that they care, and that you matter. Then we start to accept more and more with each fight. We know that it doesn't feel good anymore, but we just keep wishing that it will.

I think it is really good that you are reading about other people on here. I know that when I was in my abusive marriage, things people told me about their lives didn't seem right to me, but I couldn't see it in my own life.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

letitend

Gbriezy, I am in a similar situation to you. It has taken me THREE times to leave the A. The last time we broke up, I was done with him emotionally and physically. I felt pity for my kiddo that his dad might be living on the street. I also was dating too much, too fast and ran into a bunch of losers from online dating (YES - I said it). So, my theory was at least he loves his kid and can help me out with our son. Well, here I am over a year later, getting ready to move myself, because I cannot live with him anymore. The dude has been sober about 3-6 months in almost 10 years.
I have to say that he has been on 'better' behavior the last few weeks as in he hasn't got tossed as much as he had been the last 14 months. However, I realize he is trying to butter me up and 'prove' he can be someone I know he isn't. I know he isn't because he hasn't even acknowledged to himself that he has a problem with alcohol and he understands that it has caused some major problems in our lives. I also acknowledge that I have let myself be used for almost a decade. I didn't care that he didn't care. And for myself, that is not acceptable. I need to recognize what all the other people in my life recognize about myself, that I am a GOOD person and I deserve to be happy. Someone else can't make me happy.
This guy sounds like he doesn't care. He sounds so much like my xAbf from your posts. I am not sure what you want out of a relationship. I am not sure if you feel like a relationship has to define you, or that others will make you happy. I used to. Now, I know though, that this time is definitely different. I am not all hung up on trying to 'find Mr. Right'. I need to deal with myself first.
I hope that you can find that inner spark of yourself, your inner strength. You sound smart, responsible and so full of love and light. I hope you know that you deserve to shine and that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is your partner, not a grown man-child.