gbriezy

Today was the first day of me being back in our apartment after our breakup. I've been staying at my parents for the past four days and I didn't tell him I was coming home. It's nearly midnight and he's still not here. I'm tempted to call him but he doesn't want to hear from me anyway. I'm sure there will be plenty of nights like this until he moves out at the end of the month but it's making me feel panicky and desperate. Is he out working? Drinking? With another girl? I hate feeling like this.

PuzzledHeart

My guess: If he knows about your job, he figured that you were coming back and he couldn't face you. Whether he's drinking or doing whatnot should no longer be your concern. Easier said than done, though.

My sister pulled this avoidance stunt all the time and expected everybody else to pick up the pieces. She would even recruit other people to pick up her daughters from my parents' place because she was too scared to face the questions they were asking.

The first night back can be so hard. You're not alone.

Kissedbyfire

Can't be easy love, and it's not going to be for a while.
Breakups are always hard, and when you're in a codependent relationship... I know it's hard. You think when your relationship ends they'll have this astonishing revelation and stop drinking and become a great guy and end up with a new woman and be everything for her that he wasn't for you- after you're the one who endured all the pain.
I'm hardly one to talk, my AH is 2 weeks sober and this is no cup of tea either. We have a lot of work to do and honestly, the quitting drinking part still isn't even at the starting line... when they're still drinking you pray for that moment and think it's the finish line and believe it's the beginning of something beautiful. That's the fairytale when you're codependent. But it's just a fair tale.
I have learned how broken he is, I am, and we are. It's hard.
If you've endured this for years, you have work to do, and your own journey of recovery.
Try to begin your focus on that.

Sometimes in life we're given half blessings. I truly want to believe that him choosing to breakup and leave is one for you. You're going to feel the pain of the breakup, but you will recover and lead a happier life. It's hard to see now when you're still living that codependent life. You deserve better. Remember that. ♡

LexieCat

Is there a reason you can't just stay with your folks till the end of the month? Might be easier if you didn't have to notice whether he's there or not...

Expanding

I shared a home with xabf for months and I was miserable. He wasn't staying there but it hurt knowing that he was never coming home. Once I moved out I felt sooo much better. Get out of there ASAP until he is out for good, you'll save yourself a lot of pain. It is certainly easier said than done but what he does is not your problem anymore. At some point this will feel like a RELIEF.

gbriezy

He can home around 2a. I don't think he was drunk. He of course went into the second bedroom. Is this how it should be? Absolutely no talking? Just existing until he's gone? It seems childish that he won't even acknowledge me and we still live together (obviously not talking about speaking at 2a). He's just exed me out completely and it hurts a lot.

I'm going to think about staying at my parents for the rest of the month but it would add 45 min to my drive, not including rush hour traffic. So I don't know.

Ariesagain

That's 45 minutes you can spend in traffic or entire evenings/nights/mornings/weekends you spend like this constantly wondering what he's going to do or say. And there's a real chance he will try to suck you back in, either by a charm offensive or by jealousy...he just might bring a date home.

It's your decision, but I'd choose your parents' house in a heartbeat, especially since it's only for a few weeks.

LexieCat

90 minutes a day commuting sounds a whole lot better than sixteen hours a day wondering where he is, what he's doing, why he's not talking to you. Really, which is a greater burden on your time?

gbriezy

Yea, you're probably right. I just hate having my life on hold. Also paranoid about what he'll take when he moves out. He's not going to have much of his own and I don't want to come back to find my couch, bed, coffeemaker etc. gone. I still want to have a discussion with him about what's going with him so I can do a little planning/shopping.

LexieCat

I'd suggest you speak with him as pleasantly and neutrally as possible and say something along these lines: "I don't think it's going to be comfortable for either one of us for both of us to live here till the end of the month. I'm going to stay with my folks until then, but I'd like to have an understanding with you about what you'd like to take with you when you move. "

Clearly, stuff that you brought with you, that you had before you moved in together, shouldn't be on the table. Things that you bought while you lived together kind of depends on whether they were personal and whether you were both contributing to living expenses. You don't have to get legalistic about it unless he makes ridiculous requests. It won't kill you to buy a new coffee maker. Negotiate the things you both lay claim to. And when you've agreed (and hopefully you do), write it up and both sign it. That way, there's no misunderstanding, and if he takes stuff he shouldn't you can file a claim in small claims court.

LexieCat

Oh, and one other thing. If you have stuff that is of irreplaceable value to you--photos, personal papers, etc., take those with you. Same for anything really valuable (jewelry, etc.).

And when you get back, have the locks changed. Be sure to let your landlord know, and provide them with a key.

gbriezy

This whole not speaking or acknowledging thing makes me feel like I did something horribly wrong that I should apologize for. Like I'm in the doghouse. That's probably why he's doing it. Or maybe he just doesn't want to get sucked back into our relationship either. I've never been an on/off person. I've never been good at holding grudges in my relationships and I've always regretted breaking up with him or my last boyfriend. I've always been the one apologizing and practically begging to stay in the relationship. I wish I was more independent. I bet it would feel so freeing to not feel like another person is so important to my self-worth.

dandylion

gbriezy....Yeah, for the rest of the month, I think it would be more merciful, for yourself, to stay at your parent's house. This environment is going to be very triggering for you....
I would think that living in a refrigerator box, at the edge of the woods, would be more preferable.....

Ariesagain

All the more reason to get out of there. You're going to get sucked back in.

No contact, especially since you're feeling weak right now. Write down a list of every incident and reason that you're ending the relationship, keep it on your phone, and read it over and over.

None of your possessions is irreplaceable. Your life is.

LexieCat

I wouldn't necessarily assume his not interacting with you is hostility toward you. Look, WE are recommending no contact with HIM. THAT isn't intended to be hostile--it's a matter of self-preservation. It could be that he thinks minimizing interactions between the two of you will minimize the chances of something's being said that one or both of you will regret.

Breakups are painful, no doubt about it. But you don't have to make it MORE painful for yourself by reading stuff into everything he says or does. Not everything is about you. It's probably at least as uncomfortable for him sharing living space as it is for you. Even if (and maybe especially because) he's the one who wants out.

Why not simply do what you can to minimize the chances of unpleasant interactions until you are able to go your separate ways?

gbriezy

Thanks LexiCat. You're right. It isn't all about me. Sometimes it's easier for me to just assume he's some cold hearted monster but I know that's not true. I'm really struggling with those abandonment feelings right now. I need to get out of here but I can't for a few hours. I have a meeting in the area and I'm getting ready. Then I will seriously consider staying at my parents house.

gbriezy

So I ended up going to my parents house last night to get away, but decided to head back this morning so that I could go to the gym and get a few more of my things. My exAB was at our apartment when I got home and we had a nice conversation -- like everything was normal, and then he starts venting about how the guy he hoped to room with in a new apartment was MIA and no longer answering his texts. This was a huge trigger for me. I was in denial during our conversation and this smacked me back into reality, and it hurt a lot. It's like he just thinks of us as buds now and he can share these sorts of life frustrations with me and expect a sympathetic ear. (Note: He didn't say this statement like he was trying get back together...just that he was irritated with his flaky friend.) I cried after he left for band practice. It really feels like he doesn't care at all, but then again maybe I'm just assuming too much about his feelings.

LexieCat

Sounds to ME like he's dragging his feet about moving. He's softening you up for a sad story about having nowhere to go.

The morning I kicked my last ex out of the house (he wasn't an alcoholic, but he was a jerk and a liar and I had just discovered he'd lied to me about his AGE--claiming to be two years younger than I, but actually five years older), something in me snapped. I was done. I said, you're getting your stuff and your lying ass OUT of here TODAY, and I'm staying home to make sure you do. He started whining about having "no place to go." I said, "Not my problem. Out."

And guess what--he packed up a bunch of stuff and got out. He went to a motel for a few days till he could find an apartment. He came back later to get the rest of his stuff.

It's AMAZING what people can do when their feet are to the fire.

LexieCat

So I'd suggest just telling him, wow, that's too bad, guess you'll have to figure something out because you're out of here at the end of the month.

Refiner

I agree with Lexie... But I have a different take that he is really just this big ole numb (and dumb, really) musician dude that doesn't have a pot to **** in and has to have a roommate to get by in life - playing down that you used to be said roommate helping him pay his rent. You're better off without this guy, believe me!