Beating a dead horse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Beating a dead horse
Same EXACT outcome from last time I laid it all out for him.
-Texting lovey dovey things all day. Asking how my day is etc.
-Left work on time, beat me home, clean house, take out trash, scrubbing bathroom etc.
-Didn't drink all day (and told me so) - I just gave him a hug. No verbal reply. (Later in the evening he did grab a beer, I excused myself for the night)
-Extra positive family involvement
The day after I told him what's up.
He is white knuckling it again. I want to see this snowball into actual progress, but I am obviously skeptical.
I know I need to proceed with separating so he can work on this solo.
I did not give him an answer one way or the other, to be fair, on wether or not he needed to move out. I think he thinks these small changes are going to be sufficient.
Please tell me that I am right. I need to stick to my guns, correct?
WHY DO I LOSE MOMENTUM. grrr.
-Texting lovey dovey things all day. Asking how my day is etc.
-Left work on time, beat me home, clean house, take out trash, scrubbing bathroom etc.
-Didn't drink all day (and told me so) - I just gave him a hug. No verbal reply. (Later in the evening he did grab a beer, I excused myself for the night)
-Extra positive family involvement
The day after I told him what's up.
He is white knuckling it again. I want to see this snowball into actual progress, but I am obviously skeptical.
I know I need to proceed with separating so he can work on this solo.
I did not give him an answer one way or the other, to be fair, on wether or not he needed to move out. I think he thinks these small changes are going to be sufficient.
Please tell me that I am right. I need to stick to my guns, correct?
WHY DO I LOSE MOMENTUM. grrr.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Later in the evening he did grab a beer
and there you have it. that is called STILL DRINKING. which is NOT a solution to your problems.
have you ever heard of the Cycle of Abuse?
Most abusive relationships display a distinct pattern, known as the Cycle of Abuse or Violence. Abuse is rarely constant but alternates between: tension building, acting out, the honeymoon period and calm.
Not all relationships follow the same cycle, and individual experiences vary, some stages - especially the honeymoon or calm periods, may shorten or be left out completely, especially as the abuse intensifies over a period of time.
Each stage of the cycle can last from a few minutes to a number of months, but within an abusive relationship, the following stages can often be pin-pointed:
TENSION BUILDING -
Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move
INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase
Any type of abuse occurs
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Or other forms of abuse as found in the power and control wheel.
HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase
Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims
CALM before the tension starts again.
Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change
(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)
and there you have it. that is called STILL DRINKING. which is NOT a solution to your problems.
have you ever heard of the Cycle of Abuse?
Most abusive relationships display a distinct pattern, known as the Cycle of Abuse or Violence. Abuse is rarely constant but alternates between: tension building, acting out, the honeymoon period and calm.
Not all relationships follow the same cycle, and individual experiences vary, some stages - especially the honeymoon or calm periods, may shorten or be left out completely, especially as the abuse intensifies over a period of time.
Each stage of the cycle can last from a few minutes to a number of months, but within an abusive relationship, the following stages can often be pin-pointed:
TENSION BUILDING -
Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move
INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase
Any type of abuse occurs
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Or other forms of abuse as found in the power and control wheel.
HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase
Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims
CALM before the tension starts again.
Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change
(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
YOU ARE RIGHT AND YOU NEED TO STICK TO YOUR GUNS.
thousand words....You KNOW what is going on! You know way more than he does! His bubble of denial is telling him that it will be alright as long as he gets you to stay. and, he knows with dead accuracy what your vulnerable areas are...what will "soften" you. He will pull out every bit of ammunition in his arsenal.
He cannot trust himself, even, because the alcoholic voice in his head is whispering lies to HIM!
But, you are not an alcoholic in denial...YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. You already know what the cost to you and the kids will be!
You lose momentum because you have not, yet learned to trust your own mind.
AND--I have a sneaking suspicion that you are still clutching onto some shreads of hope that he really "means it this time". that he will want the marriage so badly that he will stop drinking and the happy family fantasy will still come true.
The alcohol.lism is stronger than hum...because he is not at the point of being willing to do what it takes. He is not even close.
For yourself, I suggest that you make a list of the top reasons that you got to this po int, the last time...and...what has l ed you back to this point again.....
Keep it with you at all times. Read it a hundred times a day, if necessary.
The very last post that I wrote to you..on your last thread.
I think you missed that one...It is about courgage!
I would say..."Honey, pleas go back and read that"....
But, I can't! Why?...because several members on the forum are repulsed by southerners who use terms of affection ...like "honey".....lol..lol...
So, I will just say: "Thousand words, please go back and read that particular p o st about courage".
dandylion
thousand words....You KNOW what is going on! You know way more than he does! His bubble of denial is telling him that it will be alright as long as he gets you to stay. and, he knows with dead accuracy what your vulnerable areas are...what will "soften" you. He will pull out every bit of ammunition in his arsenal.
He cannot trust himself, even, because the alcoholic voice in his head is whispering lies to HIM!
But, you are not an alcoholic in denial...YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. You already know what the cost to you and the kids will be!
You lose momentum because you have not, yet learned to trust your own mind.
AND--I have a sneaking suspicion that you are still clutching onto some shreads of hope that he really "means it this time". that he will want the marriage so badly that he will stop drinking and the happy family fantasy will still come true.
The alcohol.lism is stronger than hum...because he is not at the point of being willing to do what it takes. He is not even close.
For yourself, I suggest that you make a list of the top reasons that you got to this po int, the last time...and...what has l ed you back to this point again.....
Keep it with you at all times. Read it a hundred times a day, if necessary.
The very last post that I wrote to you..on your last thread.
I think you missed that one...It is about courgage!
I would say..."Honey, pleas go back and read that"....
But, I can't! Why?...because several members on the forum are repulsed by southerners who use terms of affection ...like "honey".....lol..lol...
So, I will just say: "Thousand words, please go back and read that particular p o st about courage".
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"Please tell me that I am right. I need to stick to my guns, correct?
WHY DO I LOSE MOMENTUM. grrr."
comin from the alcoholic side, yes, you are absolutely right.
the heat would come on, and id ACT the responsable adult i should have, but with the wrong motive. things cool down and i would be back to being a drunken child.
you best stick to your guns.
why do you lose momentum?
could be because you see glimpses of what you want? maybe reminds you of when times were good?
WHY DO I LOSE MOMENTUM. grrr."
comin from the alcoholic side, yes, you are absolutely right.
the heat would come on, and id ACT the responsable adult i should have, but with the wrong motive. things cool down and i would be back to being a drunken child.
you best stick to your guns.
why do you lose momentum?
could be because you see glimpses of what you want? maybe reminds you of when times were good?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
HE IS ACTING. My ex pulled the same stunts as well...many many times, for years...and I bought them each time-until I didn't.. It's only temporary. Sorry to say but you will see the "real him" when you proceed-as a lot of people say here, you see an As true nature when you tell them NO and "if he gets sober after I left, good for me, if he doesn't get sober, good for me". YOU know in your gut what's going to happen it you back down and you know he's full of ****-otherwise you wouldn't be here! We have all been where you are right now. You are wise to go...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
He is white knuckling it again. I want to see this snowball into actual progress, but I am obviously skeptical.
You want him to be making the right snowball - pushing it uphill - working hard to build himself a better life....
but this tells me it's not THAT kind of snowball:
Later in the evening he did grab a beer
and your guts are telling you to get out of the way but you are hesitating
because hes standing there holding the snowball for a second to try and keep you right where you are.
You know what's happening here because of this:
Same EXACT outcome from last time I laid it all out for him.
(((HUGS))) I know how hard and painful it all is!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sure he NEEDED that beer. That isn't a defense, but it's reality. He cannot cope without it. He can't cope WITH it, either, obviously, but for an alcoholic, the drink is NECESSARY to feel anything approaching normal.
It really doesn't matter whether he "means" it--he's shown zero signs of seriously committing to it. And remember, he's also abusive. A sober abuser is often a more EFFICIENT, and EFFECTIVE abuser.
Please do not let yourself get derailed by these token gestures on his part. They are intended to get you off his back and to give up any thoughts you had of leaving.
It really doesn't matter whether he "means" it--he's shown zero signs of seriously committing to it. And remember, he's also abusive. A sober abuser is often a more EFFICIENT, and EFFECTIVE abuser.
Please do not let yourself get derailed by these token gestures on his part. They are intended to get you off his back and to give up any thoughts you had of leaving.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion 
YOU ARE RIGHT AND YOU NEED TO STICK TO YOUR GUNS.
thousand words....You KNOW what is going on! You know way more than he does! His bubble of denial is telling him that it will be alright as long as he gets you to stay. and, he knows with dead accuracy what your vulnerable areas are...what will "soften" you. He will pull out every bit of ammunition in his arsenal.
He cannot trust himself, even, because the alcoholic voice in his head is whispering lies to HIM!
But, you are not an alcoholic in denial...YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. You already know what the cost to you and the kids will be!
You lose momentum because you have not, yet learned to trust your own mind.
AND--I have a sneaking suspicion that you are still clutching onto some shreads of hope that he really "means it this time". that he will want the marriage so badly that he will stop drinking and the happy family fantasy will still come true.
The alcohol.lism is stronger than hum...because he is not at the point of being willing to do what it takes. He is not even close.
For yourself, I suggest that you make a list of the top reasons that you got to this po int, the last time...and...what has l ed you back to this point again.....
Keep it with you at all times. Read it a hundred times a day, if necessary.
The very last post that I wrote to you..on your last thread.
I think you missed that one...It is about courgage!
I would say..."Honey, pleas go back and read that"....
But, I can't! Why?...because several members on the forum are repulsed by southerners who use terms of affection ...like "honey".....lol..lol...
So, I will just say: "Thousand words, please go back and read that particular p o st about courage".
dandylion
thousand words....You KNOW what is going on! You know way more than he does! His bubble of denial is telling him that it will be alright as long as he gets you to stay. and, he knows with dead accuracy what your vulnerable areas are...what will "soften" you. He will pull out every bit of ammunition in his arsenal.
He cannot trust himself, even, because the alcoholic voice in his head is whispering lies to HIM!
But, you are not an alcoholic in denial...YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN. You already know what the cost to you and the kids will be!
You lose momentum because you have not, yet learned to trust your own mind.
AND--I have a sneaking suspicion that you are still clutching onto some shreads of hope that he really "means it this time". that he will want the marriage so badly that he will stop drinking and the happy family fantasy will still come true.
The alcohol.lism is stronger than hum...because he is not at the point of being willing to do what it takes. He is not even close.
For yourself, I suggest that you make a list of the top reasons that you got to this po int, the last time...and...what has l ed you back to this point again.....
Keep it with you at all times. Read it a hundred times a day, if necessary.
The very last post that I wrote to you..on your last thread.
I think you missed that one...It is about courgage!
I would say..."Honey, pleas go back and read that"....
But, I can't! Why?...because several members on the forum are repulsed by southerners who use terms of affection ...like "honey".....lol..lol...
So, I will just say: "Thousand words, please go back and read that particular p o st about courage".
dandylion
And I think terms of endearment are nice...but my grandpa is southern so there ya go. haha.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Later in the evening he did grab a beer
and there you have it. that is called STILL DRINKING. which is NOT a solution to your problems.
have you ever heard of the Cycle of Abuse?
Most abusive relationships display a distinct pattern, known as the Cycle of Abuse or Violence. Abuse is rarely constant but alternates between: tension building, acting out, the honeymoon period and calm.
Not all relationships follow the same cycle, and individual experiences vary, some stages - especially the honeymoon or calm periods, may shorten or be left out completely, especially as the abuse intensifies over a period of time.
Each stage of the cycle can last from a few minutes to a number of months, but within an abusive relationship, the following stages can often be pin-pointed:
TENSION BUILDING -
Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move
INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase
Any type of abuse occurs
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Or other forms of abuse as found in the power and control wheel.
HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase
Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims
CALM before the tension starts again.
Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change
(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)
and there you have it. that is called STILL DRINKING. which is NOT a solution to your problems.
have you ever heard of the Cycle of Abuse?
Most abusive relationships display a distinct pattern, known as the Cycle of Abuse or Violence. Abuse is rarely constant but alternates between: tension building, acting out, the honeymoon period and calm.
Not all relationships follow the same cycle, and individual experiences vary, some stages - especially the honeymoon or calm periods, may shorten or be left out completely, especially as the abuse intensifies over a period of time.
Each stage of the cycle can last from a few minutes to a number of months, but within an abusive relationship, the following stages can often be pin-pointed:
TENSION BUILDING -
Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move
INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase
Any type of abuse occurs
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Or other forms of abuse as found in the power and control wheel.
HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase
Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims
CALM before the tension starts again.
Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change
(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Please tell me that I am right. I need to stick to my guns, correct?
WHY DO I LOSE MOMENTUM. grrr.
WHY DO I LOSE MOMENTUM. grrr.
I think he thinks these small changes are going to be sufficient.
Same EXACT outcome from last time I laid it all out for him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The "finality" may look scary from here, but it is what finally brings a sense of PEACE. Sitting on the fence is darned hard on the tuches. Once you finally get OFF of it, you will be AMAZED at how much better you feel.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords...you know the guy at ringside, during a prizefight? the one that give the boxer water and bandaids, etc., between rounds...?
that is what we are doing for you.....patch you up...and, send you back in......lol...
and guess what? You have heart and you keep going right back at it.....
You are going to win this, as long as you don't give up.....
dandylion.
that is what we are doing for you.....patch you up...and, send you back in......lol...
and guess what? You have heart and you keep going right back at it.....
You are going to win this, as long as you don't give up.....
dandylion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion
thousandwords...you know the guy at ringside, during a prizefight? the one that give the boxer water and bandaids, etc., between rounds...?
that is what we are doing for you.....patch you up...and, send you back in......lol...
and guess what? You have heart and you keep going right back at it.....
You are going to win this, as long as you don't give up.....
dandylion.
that is what we are doing for you.....patch you up...and, send you back in......lol...
and guess what? You have heart and you keep going right back at it.....
You are going to win this, as long as you don't give up.....
dandylion.
THANK YOU ALL
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by dandylion
AND--I have a sneaking suspicion that you are still clutching onto some shreads of hope that he really "means it this time". that he will want the marriage so badly that he will stop drinking and the happy family fantasy will still come true.
dandylion
dandylion
I have been here for so long. Ultimately, when you have had enough, you do what needs to be done.
My xA doesn't even seem to care that I am moving out (or kicking him out). I personally am glad for that. If he loves alcohol so much and thinks he has it so rough now, then if it makes him happier to be without his kid and living with me, then so be it.
I have left him several times. The last time was for almost a year. He has been back for about 15 months. But this time, is the last time. I know that in my heart.
TW - when you know the time is right for YOU and you have just had enough and cannot fathom living life like you are, you will decide for yourself what is best.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
