going to meetings together? hitting up his required 3 today
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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When we just got married, when XAHB was sober (He remained sober for about 5 years after) - he was very chatty about AA, almost like a member of the cult, and insisted I go to the open meeting. I went. It was weird and I could not understand it. He kept insisting that I need to understand it, and I did not feel "qualified" to do so since I am not an addict. I would have preferred to keep out of his AA business - but he would come home and share stories about people (with names and all) - which creeped me out because some of them were pretty graphic and I knew those people and ran into them in community.
I'd rather not to know. Ex tended to over share information about people (I.e his brother, who I don't like, was cheating on his wife, who I do like very much (she still does not know), and now I am supposed to carry this information around....I never wanted to know and never asked
I'd rather not to know. Ex tended to over share information about people (I.e his brother, who I don't like, was cheating on his wife, who I do like very much (she still does not know), and now I am supposed to carry this information around....I never wanted to know and never asked
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Sometimes their asking you for participation in AA is manipulation, so you have to really ask yourself if that's true for you. It's the "I can't do it without you" story that is very easy for codependents to get sucked into.
In your situation, I agree with what the others have said: just do what YOU need to do for yourself and leave him to his own recovery. He truly doesn't NEED you for his recovery. People who recover draw on their own inner resources and rarely need props outside of AA or whatever recovery paradigm they've adopted on their own.
In your situation, I agree with what the others have said: just do what YOU need to do for yourself and leave him to his own recovery. He truly doesn't NEED you for his recovery. People who recover draw on their own inner resources and rarely need props outside of AA or whatever recovery paradigm they've adopted on their own.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
I know what you mean. I really have no interest in the lifestyle of the program. So far my husband hasnt expressed any positive interest in it, but yet he is forced to attend meetings currently for his probatuon.
I found the 1st meeting of AA interesting and mostly it was about not keeping secrets because they would lead you back to using. I guess that depends but know it was an encouragement to share feelings and probably discuss painful situations so they lose their power. These programs do have their own specific ideas of how addiction and recovery work.
I found the 1st meeting of AA interesting and mostly it was about not keeping secrets because they would lead you back to using. I guess that depends but know it was an encouragement to share feelings and probably discuss painful situations so they lose their power. These programs do have their own specific ideas of how addiction and recovery work.
Originally Posted by Nata1980 
When we just got married, when XAHB was sober (He remained sober for about 5 years after) - he was very chatty about AA, almost like a member of the cult, and insisted I go to the open meeting. I went. It was weird and I could not understand it. He kept insisting that I need to understand it, and I did not feel "qualified" to do so since I am not an addict. I would have preferred to keep out of his AA business - but he would come home and share stories about people (with names and all) - which creeped me out because some of them were pretty graphic and I knew those people and ran into them in community.
I'd rather not to know. Ex tended to over share information about people (I.e his brother, who I don't like, was cheating on his wife, who I do like very much (she still does not know), and now I am supposed to carry this information around....I never wanted to know and never asked
I'd rather not to know. Ex tended to over share information about people (I.e his brother, who I don't like, was cheating on his wife, who I do like very much (she still does not know), and now I am supposed to carry this information around....I never wanted to know and never asked
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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ive thought about this idea that recovery needs to be done alone. Ive heard it a lot when he was in the two rehabs he went to. my opinion is it doesnt really matter if you are with people you know at a meeting, make friends in the program , have a sponsor, have a therapist. There is no way to change the fact that only YOU yourself can change yourself or try new ideas. Like being alone in a crowded room. Still comes down to you in the end.
I think he the idea may be more about preventing a person from being distracted or less willing to accept the ideas of the program, they want a person to turn to the program for support. Like its a little manipulation to encourage only dependence on the group.
Someone said if they see a person coming with a girlfriend all the time its a sure sign they wont stick with the meetigs and engage. I cant help but wonder if its because people with more outside support are less likely to attach to the support system of AA. Of course Im sure some people are just young and in love and there is a big codependency, denial, enabling goibg on. The cant let my baby go through it alone and I will do his homework for him.
Im happy I went to see how they were he says its easier to go now then when they went in a group from the rehab or had in rehab meetings. i did try not to criticize anything to him or question things deeply becUse I mean if he hears enough and keeps an open mind he might find help here. Its true we were told when we moved and he left his old therapist behind, friends. He had no one here. If he had been involved in a group like AA then he might have found immediate support and stopped his slide sooner. Im sure all AA meetings are bazed on same ideas so regardless of where you attend you could walk in and find like mjnded people and support. But its up to him to pick his help. He could have also got a therapist or had his old therapist help him find one even prior to moving. He made mistakes.
I think he the idea may be more about preventing a person from being distracted or less willing to accept the ideas of the program, they want a person to turn to the program for support. Like its a little manipulation to encourage only dependence on the group.
Someone said if they see a person coming with a girlfriend all the time its a sure sign they wont stick with the meetigs and engage. I cant help but wonder if its because people with more outside support are less likely to attach to the support system of AA. Of course Im sure some people are just young and in love and there is a big codependency, denial, enabling goibg on. The cant let my baby go through it alone and I will do his homework for him.
Im happy I went to see how they were he says its easier to go now then when they went in a group from the rehab or had in rehab meetings. i did try not to criticize anything to him or question things deeply becUse I mean if he hears enough and keeps an open mind he might find help here. Its true we were told when we moved and he left his old therapist behind, friends. He had no one here. If he had been involved in a group like AA then he might have found immediate support and stopped his slide sooner. Im sure all AA meetings are bazed on same ideas so regardless of where you attend you could walk in and find like mjnded people and support. But its up to him to pick his help. He could have also got a therapist or had his old therapist help him find one even prior to moving. He made mistakes.
Originally Posted by SoloMio
Sometimes their asking you for participation in AA is manipulation, so you have to really ask yourself if that's true for you. It's the "I can't do it without you" story that is very easy for codependents to get sucked into.
In your situation, I agree with what the others have said: just do what YOU need to do for yourself and leave him to his own recovery. He truly doesn't NEED you for his recovery. People who recover draw on their own inner resources and rarely need props outside of AA or whatever recovery paradigm they've adopted on their own.
In your situation, I agree with what the others have said: just do what YOU need to do for yourself and leave him to his own recovery. He truly doesn't NEED you for his recovery. People who recover draw on their own inner resources and rarely need props outside of AA or whatever recovery paradigm they've adopted on their own.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No matter how much you care, you are NOT a recovered alcoholic. Which means you have little to contribute in the way of "how he gets better." Right now he is going to AA. He's just going through the motions. Sitting in a meeting for an hour, whether it's once a day or ten times a day, isn't what brings about recovery. It is working with other people in the program, it is working the Steps, it is rearranging your psyche.
So I think this whole discussion is somewhat moot. Unless and until he demonstrates some personal willingness--something he hasn't done up to now--to call this "recovery" is a farce.
The court system isn't requiring him to participate in a recovery program as punishment. It's a means for him to AVOID jail, if he is willing to address the problems that landed him in the court system to begin with. Believe it or not, some people actually GET the fact that their alcoholism keeps landing them in jams, and they go to meetings with a somewhat open mind and maybe something they hear at a meeting clicks with them. They can relate. They start to see how MAYBE the people who have gotten sober and have happy lives know what they're talking about.
With him, it doesn't sound like he's got one bit of interest in actually CHANGING--he just wants to check off the boxes of what's required so he can go back to status quo ante.
So I think this whole discussion is somewhat moot. Unless and until he demonstrates some personal willingness--something he hasn't done up to now--to call this "recovery" is a farce.
The court system isn't requiring him to participate in a recovery program as punishment. It's a means for him to AVOID jail, if he is willing to address the problems that landed him in the court system to begin with. Believe it or not, some people actually GET the fact that their alcoholism keeps landing them in jams, and they go to meetings with a somewhat open mind and maybe something they hear at a meeting clicks with them. They can relate. They start to see how MAYBE the people who have gotten sober and have happy lives know what they're talking about.
With him, it doesn't sound like he's got one bit of interest in actually CHANGING--he just wants to check off the boxes of what's required so he can go back to status quo ante.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Oh I agree. He isnt going to meetings with intent f using tools offered
I have never likes and disagree with the idea however that only recovering alcoholics or addicts can help.one anither., understand each other, support each other.
I know its a program belief and also meant to keep family out and again encourage only AA support.
It also draws to labeling oneself and saying your different no one but the people here understand you. Not your regular friends. Your wife. Just us. Keep coming back go us. I'm really ok with him not feeling this way about himself. But he does need therapy. I hope my Dr finds someone for him this week. I have an appt with her on my issues but maybe she will have follow up on that.
I have never likes and disagree with the idea however that only recovering alcoholics or addicts can help.one anither., understand each other, support each other.
I know its a program belief and also meant to keep family out and again encourage only AA support.
It also draws to labeling oneself and saying your different no one but the people here understand you. Not your regular friends. Your wife. Just us. Keep coming back go us. I'm really ok with him not feeling this way about himself. But he does need therapy. I hope my Dr finds someone for him this week. I have an appt with her on my issues but maybe she will have follow up on that.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You are completely misrepresenting the AA program. You can disagree with it, but please don't misrepresent it.
I'm just wondering, though. If he's not willing to change now, what makes you think he'll be any more openminded working with a therapist (who will also have the goal of getting him completely sober for good)?
I'd be the last to suggest that AA is the only way for everyone. BUT no matter what program of recovery a person pursues, there's a requirement of WANTING to change, if there is to be any hope of success. He can fail in therapy just as splendidly as he can in AA.
I'm just wondering, though. If he's not willing to change now, what makes you think he'll be any more openminded working with a therapist (who will also have the goal of getting him completely sober for good)?
I'd be the last to suggest that AA is the only way for everyone. BUT no matter what program of recovery a person pursues, there's a requirement of WANTING to change, if there is to be any hope of success. He can fail in therapy just as splendidly as he can in AA.
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I fail to understand whatever point you are trying to make. MY point was that you have all these theories about what works, and apparently, a plan to put that together for him. On what are you basing that? I've known hundreds of alcoholics in various stages of recovery. How many do you know? How have they gotten well?
I've never said (nor has AA ever said) that family and friends can't or shouldn't provide support to an alcoholic in recovery. What I've SAID is that you don't know enough about addiction--more than a recovered alcoholic, more than a treatment professional--to decide what he should be doing. And the "support" that an alcoholic in recovery needs is minimal. S/he needs not to be shot down or undermined. Most of the "support" is a matter of getting out of the way, because someone who is changing his/her entire life (which is what recovery requires) needs a lot of space to do it in.
But as I said, it's a moot point right now, because he's not doing anything but getting paper signed.
I've never said (nor has AA ever said) that family and friends can't or shouldn't provide support to an alcoholic in recovery. What I've SAID is that you don't know enough about addiction--more than a recovered alcoholic, more than a treatment professional--to decide what he should be doing. And the "support" that an alcoholic in recovery needs is minimal. S/he needs not to be shot down or undermined. Most of the "support" is a matter of getting out of the way, because someone who is changing his/her entire life (which is what recovery requires) needs a lot of space to do it in.
But as I said, it's a moot point right now, because he's not doing anything but getting paper signed.
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I understand you have years of experience in AA and Alanon. I'm not sure you realize your views are shaped by these programs and they offer one point of view especially on the role of relying on other recovering alcoholics for support, role of family and how what recovery looks like and even means. Its a whole program of specific ideas!
Your point is not lost on me. My husband was given opportunity in 2 different rehabs. One outpatient and one inpatient where he was exposed to 12 step and hey he didnt pick it up and run with it. Instead he complained he didnt like it. Someone wanting change would take whatever is offered is one line of thinking that exists. Now he has the opportunity to use meetings And hes blowing that off too. So hes not ready to recover.
But I'm not totally hard on him because although I want him to deal with the relapse, become strong in his recovery, and work on personal issues. I'm not trying to dictate how he does it and I'm not in the mindset he should have latched onto this wonderful program since it was offered err forced on him.
Im also making a distinction between force and free will. Even though I'm not a recovering alcoholic I have simple advice for him. Find a qualified medical doctor that you feel comfortable with, work with them to come up with a plan to help you. Believe in it and give it a good faith effort.
Therapy is what worked for him before and he was good with this support. He says its what he wants again. So Im supporting this. I'm leaving it to him And his dr once he has one to figure out what he needs.
I personally feel better with a Dr making recommendations than anyone else.
For now I'm going to hope that when he has the opportunity to use his free will and decide on his own course of action he will work at it willingly and be encouraged and motivated as he slowly starts feeling better and reaches his personal goals.
You could be right and he won't use use this help either. Time will tell. Right now he is back at work. So far no signs of using. Hes.got some attitude and there are some things things in our daily life I hope change with recovery and healing. But I'm going to hold onto hope for now.
Your point is not lost on me. My husband was given opportunity in 2 different rehabs. One outpatient and one inpatient where he was exposed to 12 step and hey he didnt pick it up and run with it. Instead he complained he didnt like it. Someone wanting change would take whatever is offered is one line of thinking that exists. Now he has the opportunity to use meetings And hes blowing that off too. So hes not ready to recover.
But I'm not totally hard on him because although I want him to deal with the relapse, become strong in his recovery, and work on personal issues. I'm not trying to dictate how he does it and I'm not in the mindset he should have latched onto this wonderful program since it was offered err forced on him.
Im also making a distinction between force and free will. Even though I'm not a recovering alcoholic I have simple advice for him. Find a qualified medical doctor that you feel comfortable with, work with them to come up with a plan to help you. Believe in it and give it a good faith effort.
Therapy is what worked for him before and he was good with this support. He says its what he wants again. So Im supporting this. I'm leaving it to him And his dr once he has one to figure out what he needs.
I personally feel better with a Dr making recommendations than anyone else.
For now I'm going to hope that when he has the opportunity to use his free will and decide on his own course of action he will work at it willingly and be encouraged and motivated as he slowly starts feeling better and reaches his personal goals.
You could be right and he won't use use this help either. Time will tell. Right now he is back at work. So far no signs of using. Hes.got some attitude and there are some things things in our daily life I hope change with recovery and healing. But I'm going to hold onto hope for now.
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I fail to understand whatever point you are trying to make. MY point was that you have all these theories about what works, and apparently, a plan to put that together for him. On what are you basing that? I've known hundreds of alcoholics in various stages of recovery. How many do you know? How have they gotten well?
I've never said (nor has AA ever said) that family and friends can't or shouldn't provide support to an alcoholic in recovery. What I've SAID is that you don't know enough about addiction--more than a recovered alcoholic, more than a treatment professional--to decide what he should be doing. And the "support" that an alcoholic in recovery needs is minimal. S/he needs not to be shot down or undermined. Most of the "support" is a matter of getting out of the way, because someone who is changing his/her entire life (which is what recovery requires) needs a lot of space to do it in.
But as I said, it's a moot point right now, because he's not doing anything but getting paper signed.
I've never said (nor has AA ever said) that family and friends can't or shouldn't provide support to an alcoholic in recovery. What I've SAID is that you don't know enough about addiction--more than a recovered alcoholic, more than a treatment professional--to decide what he should be doing. And the "support" that an alcoholic in recovery needs is minimal. S/he needs not to be shot down or undermined. Most of the "support" is a matter of getting out of the way, because someone who is changing his/her entire life (which is what recovery requires) needs a lot of space to do it in.
But as I said, it's a moot point right now, because he's not doing anything but getting paper signed.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Alicia....how about talking to us, some more, about yourself and the things that pertain only to you...?
Have you done anything on the suggested list of activities...or anything similar...LOL....
do you know where, in your childhood, that the seeds of co-dependency were planted?
There is a workbook by the author of "Co-dependency No More" ...that you can get on amazon.com...
I think you might find that fascinasting......
dandylion
Have you done anything on the suggested list of activities...or anything similar...LOL....
do you know where, in your childhood, that the seeds of co-dependency were planted?
There is a workbook by the author of "Co-dependency No More" ...that you can get on amazon.com...
I think you might find that fascinasting......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by aliciagr
Oh I agree. He isnt going to meetings with intent f using tools offered
I have never likes and disagree with the idea however that only recovering alcoholics or addicts can help.one anither., understand each other, support each other.
I know its a program belief and also meant to keep family out and again encourage only AA support.
It also draws to labeling oneself and saying your different no one but the people here understand you. Not your regular friends. Your wife. Just us. Keep coming back go us. I'm really ok with him not feeling this way about himself. But he does need therapy. I hope my Dr finds someone for him this week. I have an appt with her on my issues but maybe she will have follow up on that.
I have never likes and disagree with the idea however that only recovering alcoholics or addicts can help.one anither., understand each other, support each other.
I know its a program belief and also meant to keep family out and again encourage only AA support.
It also draws to labeling oneself and saying your different no one but the people here understand you. Not your regular friends. Your wife. Just us. Keep coming back go us. I'm really ok with him not feeling this way about himself. But he does need therapy. I hope my Dr finds someone for him this week. I have an appt with her on my issues but maybe she will have follow up on that.
IF you read the big book to understand what THE program is,,
you would agree,too.
HOWEVER
im reading more blame,deflection, and denial.
being supportive and understanding are 2 different things.
someone who hasnt walked in my shoes wouldnt understand nor would i listen to them on how to solve my problems.
but i apreciate their support while they are on the sidelines while I do the footwork.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
LOL...LOL...LOL..this has triggered a memory that I have...remembering my days as a mother of three kids who played on soccer teams (I was, also, on the first woman's team for our area).....
It was understood that the parent's role was to support.....BUT...the most dreaded parent of the kids and the coaches was the mother/father that got too INVOLVED. It did not help the kid...and it annoyed everyone else.
Support meant the "nurturing" things necessary for Young children....like---getting a good night's sleep/having the uniform on/ having some water available/ giving a ride to and from the games....
Too Involved was---shouting instructions to the kid from the sidelines. giving coaching tips to the coaches. Arguing with the referees or coaches about certain calls. trying to coach the kid at home. Imposing their parental goals onto the kid....pushing them,hard, to become a better or o utstanding player.
It soon became clear to all...from the kid to the coaches and other parents...which parents supported their kids--and, which parents had their own "special issues".......
I will admit, that since I played, myself...I had the impulse to shout warnings or instructions from the sidelines...I was swiftly and strongly discouraged from that....because the kids hated...HATED...hated that....
I was cured, pretty quickly!!
Now, before anyone goes all crazy on me, I am not saying that you husband is a child! I am just trying to give an example of support vs. over involvement.....
dandylion
It was understood that the parent's role was to support.....BUT...the most dreaded parent of the kids and the coaches was the mother/father that got too INVOLVED. It did not help the kid...and it annoyed everyone else.
Support meant the "nurturing" things necessary for Young children....like---getting a good night's sleep/having the uniform on/ having some water available/ giving a ride to and from the games....
Too Involved was---shouting instructions to the kid from the sidelines. giving coaching tips to the coaches. Arguing with the referees or coaches about certain calls. trying to coach the kid at home. Imposing their parental goals onto the kid....pushing them,hard, to become a better or o utstanding player.
It soon became clear to all...from the kid to the coaches and other parents...which parents supported their kids--and, which parents had their own "special issues".......
I will admit, that since I played, myself...I had the impulse to shout warnings or instructions from the sidelines...I was swiftly and strongly discouraged from that....because the kids hated...HATED...hated that....
I was cured, pretty quickly!!
Now, before anyone goes all crazy on me, I am not saying that you husband is a child! I am just trying to give an example of support vs. over involvement.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Alicia...from a very loving place....I propose that you could easily be the poster child of Co-dependency......lol....
by the way....the definition of co-dependency that I have found the most helpful it this: "Co-dependency is not so much about the relationship with another ---as it is about the lack of relationship with the self".....
I am speaking to you very candidly, I know.....I hope that you are not too threatended by it.....
this is how I would talk to my good girlfriend.....
by the way....the definition of co-dependency that I have found the most helpful it this: "Co-dependency is not so much about the relationship with another ---as it is about the lack of relationship with the self".....
I am speaking to you very candidly, I know.....I hope that you are not too threatended by it.....
this is how I would talk to my good girlfriend.....
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
To the OP - no, I do not & would not attend meeting with RAH unless it was a specific purpose (like an anniversary) because I do NOT understand what it means to be an alcoholic despite being immersed in addiction in one way or another for my entire life up to that point. I don't belong there.
As the wife of an AA member & someone who struggled with understanding the focus being on oneself in order to succeed at recovery, I completely disagree with your opinion of the program.
I actually feel like it's the opposite - that they DON'T focus on labels or forcing any direction on a person, leaving their recovery up them to define & work however it fits. (But hey, if a label fits why spend time arguing about the definition? That never leads to a solution......)
The steps are a loose framework that can assist someone to achieve more growth; there are no hard & fast rules to be in the program & they stress that every person should "take what they want & leave the rest" - meaning not every single thing about the program applies to every single person in the literal way it is presented. It speaks badly about no other recovery methods or program, continually encouraging people to "keep coming back" as a way of having a touchpoint with sobriety regardless of whether they have 25 years or are dealing with continual relapses. It is incredibly forgiving as far as programs go - I would offer that Weight Watchers is far more controlling of it's members than AA is.
What I "hear" from you alicia, is fear. What will happen if he doesn't NEED you once he can find help in the program (or somewhere else) & relates to someone other than you about all of this? Someone who is not a paid counselor that he can only see by appt, but someone that might become a part of his LIFE in a some kind of "social" way? What happens if he bonds with someone "like him"? Furthermore, what happens if he gets well & you have to change in relation to that? Just food for thought here...
You say you want him to just have a good therapist but YOUR therapist is referring him & YOU are going to check on that tomorrow. I'm pretty sure you said that your therapist specializes in addiction so this all has me scratching my head..... how can dozens of us see even just the hints of codependency in your minimal shares but someone who specializes in all of this that you have a one-on-one relationship with can't? Something isn't ringing true here.... more will be revealed.
ANY kind of significant life change requires self-motivation & determination to achieve the goal. There is nothing outrageous about expecting a person to get sober on their own, IMO.
Have you read up on codependency at all since joining SR alicia? I know it has been suggested repeatedly but I only ever see you post about your husband & the addiction side of this equation.
Originally Posted by aliciagr
I have never likes and disagree with the idea however that only recovering alcoholics or addicts can help.one anither., understand each other, support each other.
I know its a program belief and also meant to keep family out and again encourage only AA support.
It also draws to labeling oneself and saying your different no one but the people here understand you. Not your regular friends. Your wife. Just us. Keep coming back go us. I'm really ok with him not feeling this way about himself. But he does need therapy. I hope my Dr finds someone for him this week. I have an appt with her on my issues but maybe she will have follow up on that.
I know its a program belief and also meant to keep family out and again encourage only AA support.
It also draws to labeling oneself and saying your different no one but the people here understand you. Not your regular friends. Your wife. Just us. Keep coming back go us. I'm really ok with him not feeling this way about himself. But he does need therapy. I hope my Dr finds someone for him this week. I have an appt with her on my issues but maybe she will have follow up on that.
I actually feel like it's the opposite - that they DON'T focus on labels or forcing any direction on a person, leaving their recovery up them to define & work however it fits. (But hey, if a label fits why spend time arguing about the definition? That never leads to a solution......)
The steps are a loose framework that can assist someone to achieve more growth; there are no hard & fast rules to be in the program & they stress that every person should "take what they want & leave the rest" - meaning not every single thing about the program applies to every single person in the literal way it is presented. It speaks badly about no other recovery methods or program, continually encouraging people to "keep coming back" as a way of having a touchpoint with sobriety regardless of whether they have 25 years or are dealing with continual relapses. It is incredibly forgiving as far as programs go - I would offer that Weight Watchers is far more controlling of it's members than AA is.
What I "hear" from you alicia, is fear. What will happen if he doesn't NEED you once he can find help in the program (or somewhere else) & relates to someone other than you about all of this? Someone who is not a paid counselor that he can only see by appt, but someone that might become a part of his LIFE in a some kind of "social" way? What happens if he bonds with someone "like him"? Furthermore, what happens if he gets well & you have to change in relation to that? Just food for thought here...
You say you want him to just have a good therapist but YOUR therapist is referring him & YOU are going to check on that tomorrow. I'm pretty sure you said that your therapist specializes in addiction so this all has me scratching my head..... how can dozens of us see even just the hints of codependency in your minimal shares but someone who specializes in all of this that you have a one-on-one relationship with can't? Something isn't ringing true here.... more will be revealed.
ANY kind of significant life change requires self-motivation & determination to achieve the goal. There is nothing outrageous about expecting a person to get sober on their own, IMO.
Have you read up on codependency at all since joining SR alicia? I know it has been suggested repeatedly but I only ever see you post about your husband & the addiction side of this equation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Tomorrow I have my therapy session.
So far she hasn't expressed any concern over my having codependency but I will inquire into the subject.
So far she hasn't expressed any concern over my having codependency but I will inquire into the subject.
If someone told me I was sick the day I showed up here, I would have probably never come back. It took a few days of reading here and interacting before I could even comprehend that maybe i needed to deal with MY issues rather than XABF's.
Between the people we choose and surround ourselves with in life, our self sabotaging actions, and our ummm stubbornness in leaving unhealthy situations... most of us are as textbook of codependent as our problem drinkers and their patterns.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
My wife goes to meetings from time to time. She likes them and I appreciate her being part of my recovery. She enjoys meeting my buddies both male and female. It doesn't happen often probably a couple times a year
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
But I'm not totally hard on him because although I want him to deal with the relapse, become strong in his recovery, and work on personal issues.
Strong in what recovery? How is recovery to happen when even you say he’s not ready?
I think when you attend your therapy session you might share with your counselor the obsession you have with HIS recovery. How YOUR happiness and future are dependent on HIS recovery. How you are looking forward to therapy but the main focus is on getting a name/# from her for YOUR husband so that he can then attend the recovery of his choice, you know the one that worked so well before.
Strong in what recovery? How is recovery to happen when even you say he’s not ready?
I think when you attend your therapy session you might share with your counselor the obsession you have with HIS recovery. How YOUR happiness and future are dependent on HIS recovery. How you are looking forward to therapy but the main focus is on getting a name/# from her for YOUR husband so that he can then attend the recovery of his choice, you know the one that worked so well before.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by aliciagr
One other issue I have is its hard to think bad of someone who is such a hard worker and a good provider for us. Some of his behaviors and how he prioritizes and is responsible are so good. I know none of us are perfect though. We can be healthy in one area and broken in another.
You have used the phrase "forced himself on me" to describe one particularly terrible interaction with your AH.
Very recently, your husband essentially did the exact same thing by refusing to use birth control despite your request.
This is fundamental and abhorrent sexual abuse within a marriage.
This behavior is 100% completely separate and distinct from his addiction. After all, he was sober when he refused to use birth control.
Based on what you've shared here, it seems as though you experience pretty much every single "symptom" of co-dependency. Just because your therapist has not come out and labeled you a co-dependent does not mean you can't begin working your own program of recovery from co-dependency.
I am not a recovering addict. I have never been to an AA or an NA meeting. I do know, however, that most of the time when a spouse comes here for support and expresses distaste for AA, it is often because they are not comfortable with the fact that true 12-step recovery happens separate and apart from the spouse. In our worst co-dependent moments, we want to be knowledgeable about and involved in every single second of our spouses' recoveries. Absent any sort of recovery for YOU, you will continue to cling to needing to manage and know about everything that is going on with him. I was that person, too. I was the person who counted empty beer cans in the trash can. Who drove around our community looking for his vehicle parked in front of bars. Who went through his phone constantly. And all that behavior did was make me sicker, both physically and emotionally.
I wish you well, and I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. I hope you will be able to find a way to place your focus on yourself, and leave your AH to sink or swim in his recovery. You have no control over whether he does either. You can still love and support him emotionally without being intimately involved in his recovery.
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