going to meetings together? hitting up his required 3 today

Old 08-20-2016, 05:48 AM
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going to meetings together? hitting up his required 3 today

As some know my husband is on probation as of recent and is required to show weekly participation in treatment for the next several months. Until he finds a new dr he can see every week that means meetings must be attended.

Hes doing all 3 today. He asked me to come along as they are open meetings. He is not happy but sort of resolved in he has no choice but hes taking responsibility to follow the agreement. Its a lot but I guess I will go to show my support and see what they are like. One is AA then another NA and he said hit up a 2nd AA inbetween to get it all done but lots driving inbetween.

I know a lot of you here use their programs. Do you attend with your spouses from time to time?

I'm a little excited because ive never been.
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Old 08-20-2016, 06:00 AM
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I wouldn't make it a habit to go to meetings with him, but I don't think it hurts to go to one here and there.

I can always peg the people who come in with their spouse clutching their hand and figure they won't be long for the program. Recovery involves a lot of work one oneself, and it's pretty difficult to do when you've got your significant other right there with you.

If I were you, I'd wait a few weeks before going to one with him. He needs to go without a "prop." You can certainly learn a lot at meetings, but if you want to learn about AA I'd go to a separate open meeting without him.
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Old 08-20-2016, 10:31 AM
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I'd agree with Lexie. There is something about having your spouse/partner/whatever with you in a meeting that closes BOTH of you off from really experiencing what is going on in the meeting.

It's like traveling alone versus going with someone else. If you have that comfortable person to relate to, you tend to go back to the "default setting" of engaging with him/her rather than the less familiar, perhaps anxiety-inducing situation around you. If you're by yourself, your are going to have to engage with the people you meet, even though they are strangers. And isn't that the whole reason you went, to experience something different and to learn and grow?

Not to mention that one of the huge things at meetings is to be totally honest in your sharing. It is difficult for the sharer to do this if what he/she says is going to cause blowback from the listener sitting right there beside them.

Let him start standing on his own 2 feet NOW. Going to meetings with him is going to make it all the more difficult to stay out of his business and mind your own side of the street (I say this as someone who attended a Buddhist-flavored recovery group w/her A in the early days--it was not a great idea...).
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Old 08-20-2016, 05:32 PM
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I'd be concerned that he had seven days to do three meetings, and left all to the last day.
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Old 08-20-2016, 05:56 PM
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Given how much he has tended to rely on his parents and you to do the heavy lifting for him in getting him treatment, this seems like a set up, conscious or not. If he takes you with him to three meetings in a day with a bunch of driving in between, that's a long tedious day, so see, how can anyone expect him to do this? Maybe you'll call the probation guy for him and get him out of some of it?

Not saying you would, but there's something that doesn't feel right here. He may be accepting this as punishment, more or less, but that's not the same as being open to the recovery process?

This is only supposition, of course...but recovery really isn't a date night kind of group activity. My husband and I talk about everything, but when I quit drinking this time I didn't say anything to him for months because I knew I had to do this on my own.

Hope things go well for you...
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Old 08-20-2016, 06:11 PM
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I go to a meeting yearly when my husband picks up a chip.

Other than that I have been with him a couple times like if we were out and he planned to go, and we just ended up going together because it worked in the schedule.

I can't imagine going with him on a regular basis. Its kinda a personal thing I think, I am not an alcoholic. I feel fine to be there on chip day otherwise I feel like what am I doing there? this is their personal business - I'm hearing things that are confidential.
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Old 08-21-2016, 02:51 AM
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Velma and Aries make good points. Doing three meetings in a single day isn't the same as going to a meeting every day or every other day. It's like taking three doses of antibiotics at once, when you're supposed to take them once a day. It does a lot less good than taking them as prescribed, and makes it all less effective because there's no time to digest and put what you learn into practice in between meetings. Of course, all of that is on the assumption he's got the slightest interest in staying sober, which would be debatable but for the fact that he's done everything conceivable to do things his way.

And yes, he's let everyone else navigate for him everything involved in this. Actually, he has no "skin in the game." Since everyone else has been doing everything FOR him, do you think he will blame himself next time he gets in a drinking-related jam? No, it will be your fault, his parents' fault, the program's fault, AA/NA's fault, the "system's" fault.

I think the more distance you maintain from his recovery programs the better.
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Old 08-21-2016, 07:25 AM
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Ladies, this is a little embarrassing to share. Its a real feeling I'm having and it was brought out more yesterday. I know it may be something no one can relate to. I think his may be related to the sense of powerlessness, loss of control I felt when my husband forced himself on me months ago plus how he seems go continue thinking of himself and minimizing me like the issue with birth control and asking him to take precautions.

going with him yesterday was ok. He got 3 attendances marked even though we didnt stay for the 3rd meeting. He saw others getting their attendance done and then leaving and the man told him he marks the attendance and would just as soon have people leave if thats all they came for.

Ok but here is my emotional issue. there is a part of me that feels good he is forced to do what he doesnt want. Go to meetings. There is a part of me that would also like him to sort of submit to this process, get a. Sponsor and have someone taking away part of his giant know it all, do what I want attitude. Something that he is forced to submit to. So he loses some control and see how it feels. In my head its the one reason I sometimes wish he was in sober living where he has do follow their rules And submit to testing.

I know this must be related to my feelings of having choice taken from me? I hope I dont sound just sick in the head. I'm not a vengeful person and I dont know where these thoughts are coming from if not from my own feelings somehow bottled up.
And maybe worse it feels like a turn on seeing him forced by the probation department.
I see my therapist this week. I love my husband and I want to make this all work but thoughts like this are not healthy or healing are they? Confused again by my feelings and mixed with why recovering addicts need structure or authority over them. Its not my place to wish it on him I know.
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Old 08-21-2016, 07:43 AM
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alicia, i think your blinders are coming off and you are really starting to SEE the person your AH is. and that he has yet to demonstrate one SHRED of remorse for ANYTHING.

part of the problem is that you have continued to soften the blow FOR him....when he was arrested, you bailed him against strong recommendations. you then made all kinds of arrangements FOR him to again soften the blow and get him into the cushy rehab of HIS choice. which he did not go to. when you were out of the home after he assaulted you, you had the opportunity to file an RO, but chose not to.

HE is doing what he has always done.....and now you are coming to the realization that you are powerless over any of this, and your life is becoming unmanageable. now is the time to start going to meetings for YOU......and to stay and listen and absorb. to start taking care of yourself first, NOT your AH. you don't have to worry about his RECOVERY because there isn't any.
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Old 08-21-2016, 07:49 AM
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I think what you are feeling is related to the fact that you are beginning to realize that your husband is not the person you wish he was.

He is just doing what he needs to do to maintain the status quo. He has no interest in recovery, in your feelings, in change. This is what the ACTIONS you have described are screaming, regardless of whatever WORDS he uses.

Anvil is spot on -- start engaging with recovery the way you wish HE was, and see what happens.
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Old 08-21-2016, 07:54 AM
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I think it's completely understandable...you haven't been able to control him, his parents haven't, the law really hasn't...and he's still gaming the system by cheating out of that third meeting. He is still not getting it and frankly, being six kinds of selfish ass in the process.

Two things...first, you intuitively understand that him paying lip service to recovery is meaningless. That's a perfectly good reason to want to see him humbled enough to take this seriously and at least appear to understand that he has hurt you and his parents badly.

Second...you're exhausted from doing all the work and constantly second-guessing yourself because he keeps minimizing his problem. Having a third party come down on him hard would mean you could stop doing both because it would be proof that this IS serious.

You may want to be thinking about your Plan B if he continues down this path. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't seem to care who he hurts...do you really "love" him at this point?

I'm sorry. This is so painful.
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Old 08-21-2016, 08:17 AM
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This has nothing to do with vengeance. He is doing what is totally predictable for him. The absolute minimum he feels he can get away with. And the bit about leaving because he had "permission" from the meeting leader? Total BS. Probation requires that he ATTEND the meeting, not that he get a piece of paper signed. The paper is only proof that he showed up. When I am the meeting leader, I won't sign papers until the end of the meeting, and if someone showed up fifteen minutes before the end, I'll refuse to sign it.

And if he were MY probationer, and I saw he fulfilled his "requirement" by attending three meetings in one day, I'd certainly know what I was dealing with. Someone who will screw up, probably sooner rather than later.

I hope you will start putting your energy into your own recovery and stop trying to manage or "help" with his. He is going to do what he is going to do (or rather, not do what he is not going to do) and you need to be in a position where you can take care of yourself when the sh*t hits the fan.
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Old 08-21-2016, 08:23 AM
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The other weird thing is my feelings dont have much to do with his recovery. Or thinking he needs meetings or a sponsor to recover. (I am hopeful he begins therapy once he can get on a drs calendar).
It really feels like its more about making him feel he is not in control of his own choices. Of course after what happened I do see myself making more little notes of anything that makes me feel taken for granted, ignored, minimized, or basically anything negative. I think its my emotions doing this too.

I will try to share this with the therapist and see if she thinks I'm certifiably crazy. I already dread my spot because she was encouraging we spend some time apart and thought inpatient rehab would do that for us. And she already was hard on me as to why I would continue marital relations until he works on his issues.
She asks tough questions and pushes me to think of my feelings. I need to see her more I guess.
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Old 08-21-2016, 08:29 AM
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I dont know about his probation stuff. He doesnt turn it in until wednesday but he wanted go get them all done. I dont think he was expecting to be told he could just leave the meeting. I heard the man tell him and it was like he would just as much prefer people dont stay and play with their phones and say they attended. If they dont want to participate then here you go and bye bye.
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Old 08-21-2016, 08:34 AM
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You're not "crazy" but I think you are in serious denial about what kind of person you are married to, and the prospects of his changing so he can be a good partner.

I think the reason your therapist is so insistent on your spending some time apart is that when he is there, all of your attention is on him--what he's doing, what will happen to him, how to make everything OK. I think she sees it's very hard for you to focus on what's best for YOU while he is around. He DOES control you. You kind of rationalize that what you are doing is so everything will be OK and that it's in your best interest to do that, but it actually isn't in your best interest--it's in HIS best interest (from his perspective). He is PLAYING you, just as he's played his family, the courts, his treatment professionals, etc. Sooner or later the courts won't tolerate it. I'm just worried about what happens to you in the meantime.
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Old 08-21-2016, 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by aliciagr View Post
Of course after what happened I do see myself making more little notes of anything that makes me feel taken for granted, ignored, minimized, or basically anything negative. I think its my emotions doing this too. ...

I will try to share this with the therapist and see if she thinks I'm certifiably crazy....

She asks tough questions and pushes me to think of my feelings. I need to see her more I guess.
Are you thinking that because it's "your emotions doing this," that somehow makes your noticing these things inaccurate or that means it's not allowed? Because from an outside perspective, those reactions are not only valid, they're healthy...and I'm guessing your therapist would characterize them the same way?

I'm glad you have her...she sounds like a good one.
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Old 08-21-2016, 10:46 AM
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I keep coming back to your thread to reply but then erase my reply. I want you to keep coming back for help and do not want to come off as too harsh. From this thread and your previous thread, it seems obvious to me that your AH is far from wanting recovery.

Several years ago my RAH got a DUI. Part of his "punishment" was attending meetings. I was ecstatic because I thought maybe then he would get the help he needed. The meetings only reinforced his idea that he didn't have a problem. He would come home and make statements about how messed up the others were. The meetings ended as fast as his card got filled. He stayed sober for 7 months but WAS NOT in recovery. I continued to stay with a few short term separations. I played the sick game to my own detriment and also to my kids. Please do not bring children into this mess. Take every precaution you can and keep coming back and reading about co-dependency.

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Old 08-21-2016, 12:25 PM
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Thank you for this. Yes Ive thought I have thought this. But then Ive also caught myself and say no hats not right exactly. I think of he truth might be in the middle. Some of it I'm opening my eyes to, but other small things I may be reading into. This is why I know I need help.

Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
Are you thinking that because it's "your emotions doing this," that somehow makes your noticing these things inaccurate or that means it's not allowed? Because from an outside perspective, those reactions are not only valid, they're healthy...and I'm guessing your therapist would characterize them the same way?

I'm glad you have her...she sounds like a good one.
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Old 08-21-2016, 12:34 PM
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Never. As a recovering alcoholic I can say it's a walk I had to make alone. I don't recommend it.
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Old 08-21-2016, 12:35 PM
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I think Id be good with some time apart for us, whole we worked on individual issues and maybe came together with sessions done jointly. But neither of us has any place to go. I have one person I stayed with before if it came to it. We can't afford a separate apartment with our house bills And he doesnt want a sober living and now Ive made that into some kind of punishment or weird mandatory forced submission on his part (at least in my mind) the best we could do would be separate floors of this house and limited interaction by us both consenting.

One other issue I have is its hard to think bad of someone who is such a hard worker and a good provider for us. Some of his behaviors and how he prioritizes and is responsible are so good. I know none of us are perfect though. We can be healthy in one area and broken in another.
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