going to meetings together? hitting up his required 3 today
I love the holidays as well. Esp as a sober alcoholic in recovery I'm discovering all the new fun things about it that aren't about extra time off work to be off my face.
My partner still drinks. A lot at times. My plans for the holiday period will not be reliant on him. I know that once we're back at school, gradually things will start to be advertised, and I shall be drawing myself up a calender of events to get involved with and enjoy. As a member of a happy and strong church community, there are always lots of additional roles to volunteer for. Last year I helped with the advent service as a welcome return - not exactly an important job, but it means that I felt part of things, and that I got to know women other people a but better (even if only to develop a nodding acquaintance ) which is important to me as I've only been here a few years and all my other 'adult' (hahaha) socialising had revolved around drinking. This year I'm going to volunteer to help with the lunches on Christmas day that the Cathedral organises for people who would otherwise be alone at Christmas - mainly elderly and homeless folk I believe. A few others from my AA home group did that last year and say that it was an amazing experience for them. No doubt my OH will go out drinking on Christmas day, and he can sleep some of it off and I'll give him some dinner when I return.
Re the codependency stuff. I am also codependent. It doesn't only affect our relationships with partners. It can affect all areas of our lives. Thing is, a bit like the AA stuff, a little acceptance and awareness goes a long way. Now I've done some work on it I can recognise why I feel certain ways and pause just long enough to think through my reactions so that I don't compound things. If you investigate the issue of codependency and do see that you have some codependent traits, in a way that can be a good thing, as there is so much support and information about this out there for people to draw on. This page has a good list of the patterns and characteristics of codependent people, and might be intresting to you (I look at it and could have fallen off my chair - I'm not quite a poster girl for it, but pretty close) Patterns and Characteristics 2011 - CoDA.org
PS one lady I know who now has some great recovery told me that she only came to AA because she was court ordered at first. While she had to go she hated it. She hated the people there. And then she relapsed and continued to drink for another few years. But then when she decided for herself that she WANT ED sobriety she had no hesitation in returning to AA, and said she knew that it was the place she knew that she could learn to get sober. I don't know if this gives you some hope or not really, as although it is positive NOW, it was hardly instant success. Although instantaneous success eludes most people in recovery. Recovery is more of a journey and often the journey is along a pretty bumpy old road.
Anyway. I wish you well.
My partner still drinks. A lot at times. My plans for the holiday period will not be reliant on him. I know that once we're back at school, gradually things will start to be advertised, and I shall be drawing myself up a calender of events to get involved with and enjoy. As a member of a happy and strong church community, there are always lots of additional roles to volunteer for. Last year I helped with the advent service as a welcome return - not exactly an important job, but it means that I felt part of things, and that I got to know women other people a but better (even if only to develop a nodding acquaintance ) which is important to me as I've only been here a few years and all my other 'adult' (hahaha) socialising had revolved around drinking. This year I'm going to volunteer to help with the lunches on Christmas day that the Cathedral organises for people who would otherwise be alone at Christmas - mainly elderly and homeless folk I believe. A few others from my AA home group did that last year and say that it was an amazing experience for them. No doubt my OH will go out drinking on Christmas day, and he can sleep some of it off and I'll give him some dinner when I return.
Re the codependency stuff. I am also codependent. It doesn't only affect our relationships with partners. It can affect all areas of our lives. Thing is, a bit like the AA stuff, a little acceptance and awareness goes a long way. Now I've done some work on it I can recognise why I feel certain ways and pause just long enough to think through my reactions so that I don't compound things. If you investigate the issue of codependency and do see that you have some codependent traits, in a way that can be a good thing, as there is so much support and information about this out there for people to draw on. This page has a good list of the patterns and characteristics of codependent people, and might be intresting to you (I look at it and could have fallen off my chair - I'm not quite a poster girl for it, but pretty close) Patterns and Characteristics 2011 - CoDA.org
PS one lady I know who now has some great recovery told me that she only came to AA because she was court ordered at first. While she had to go she hated it. She hated the people there. And then she relapsed and continued to drink for another few years. But then when she decided for herself that she WANT ED sobriety she had no hesitation in returning to AA, and said she knew that it was the place she knew that she could learn to get sober. I don't know if this gives you some hope or not really, as although it is positive NOW, it was hardly instant success. Although instantaneous success eludes most people in recovery. Recovery is more of a journey and often the journey is along a pretty bumpy old road.
Anyway. I wish you well.
Alicia - I think it's really great that you're posting and asking questions and listening and learning. You've gotten some real tough love here and I know some of it must be hard to hear, and you keep coming back.
So many of us are so deep IN our circumstances that when we post, it is sometimes easier for others to see the forest, when all we see is the leaves and bark and branches of the tree we are sitting under. Your last post reminded me of this video I saw. I do not intend it in a disrespectful way; I genuinely mean it with compassion and caring. We all belong to a club that NO ONE wants to belong to. I hope you can get a little chuckle about this video and take it in the manner in which it was intended.
Much peace and love to you.
(In case it doesn't post, you can go to youtube and look up "It's not about the nail")
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
So many of us are so deep IN our circumstances that when we post, it is sometimes easier for others to see the forest, when all we see is the leaves and bark and branches of the tree we are sitting under. Your last post reminded me of this video I saw. I do not intend it in a disrespectful way; I genuinely mean it with compassion and caring. We all belong to a club that NO ONE wants to belong to. I hope you can get a little chuckle about this video and take it in the manner in which it was intended.
Much peace and love to you.
(In case it doesn't post, you can go to youtube and look up "It's not about the nail")
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Oh. My. Goodness.
This is fantastic, thank you SO much for posting it. I can't believe I've never seen it before!
PS one lady I know who now has some great recovery told me that she only came to AA because she was court ordered at first. While she had to go she hated it. She hated the people there. And then she relapsed and continued to drink for another few years. But then when she decided for herself that she WANT ED sobriety she had no hesitation in returning to AA, and said she knew that it was the place she knew that she could learn to get sober. I don't know if this gives you some hope or not really, as although it is positive NOW, it was hardly instant success. Although instantaneous success eludes most people in recovery. Recovery is more of a journey and often the journey is along a pretty bumpy old road.
That might've been the first big surprise for me - finding out just how much I didn't know despite being raised with an addict father who achieved sobriety & having taken a couple of courses on addiction in college many (cough, many!) years ago. I barely even remember the word "Codependent" coming up - we just didn't know as much then as we do know. We didn't have nearly the access to shared experiences & information that we have since the internet broadened our horizons.
There is so much more to addiction than you can learn in just a doctor's visit alicia, and while you are committed to your ways you also aren't closing the door on new ideas altogether & that's the most important thing.
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I was fond of saying "I know you better than you know yourself!" I carried that around like a badge of honor--how well I presumed to know my STBXAH.
Then I started to realize how totally sick that was. The truth was that I may, or may not, have known him better than he knew HIMSELF. But I *certainly* knew him better than I knew MYSELF. And that was just fundamentally unhealthy.
Then I started to realize how totally sick that was. The truth was that I may, or may not, have known him better than he knew HIMSELF. But I *certainly* knew him better than I knew MYSELF. And that was just fundamentally unhealthy.
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Thanks for the attachment you added. I used it to speak with my Dr. Yesterday.
I love the holidays as well. Esp as a sober alcoholic in recovery I'm discovering all the new fun things about it that aren't about extra time off work to be off my face.
My partner still drinks. A lot at times. My plans for the holiday period will not be reliant on him. I know that once we're back at school, gradually things will start to be advertised, and I shall be drawing myself up a calender of events to get involved with and enjoy. As a member of a happy and strong church community, there are always lots of additional roles to volunteer for. Last year I helped with the advent service as a welcome return - not exactly an important job, but it means that I felt part of things, and that I got to know women other people a but better (even if only to develop a nodding acquaintance ) which is important to me as I've only been here a few years and all my other 'adult' (hahaha) socialising had revolved around drinking. This year I'm going to volunteer to help with the lunches on Christmas day that the Cathedral organises for people who would otherwise be alone at Christmas - mainly elderly and homeless folk I believe. A few others from my AA home group did that last year and say that it was an amazing experience for them. No doubt my OH will go out drinking on Christmas day, and he can sleep some of it off and I'll give him some dinner when I return.
Re the codependency stuff. I am also codependent. It doesn't only affect our relationships with partners. It can affect all areas of our lives. Thing is, a bit like the AA stuff, a little acceptance and awareness goes a long way. Now I've done some work on it I can recognise why I feel certain ways and pause just long enough to think through my reactions so that I don't compound things. If you investigate the issue of codependency and do see that you have some codependent traits, in a way that can be a good thing, as there is so much support and information about this out there for people to draw on. This page has a good list of the patterns and characteristics of codependent people, and might be intresting to you (I look at it and could have fallen off my chair - I'm not quite a poster girl for it, but pretty close) Patterns and Characteristics 2011 - CoDA.org
PS one lady I know who now has some great recovery told me that she only came to AA because she was court ordered at first. While she had to go she hated it. She hated the people there. And then she relapsed and continued to drink for another few years. But then when she decided for herself that she WANT ED sobriety she had no hesitation in returning to AA, and said she knew that it was the place she knew that she could learn to get sober. I don't know if this gives you some hope or not really, as although it is positive NOW, it was hardly instant success. Although instantaneous success eludes most people in recovery. Recovery is more of a journey and often the journey is along a pretty bumpy old road.
Anyway. I wish you well.
My partner still drinks. A lot at times. My plans for the holiday period will not be reliant on him. I know that once we're back at school, gradually things will start to be advertised, and I shall be drawing myself up a calender of events to get involved with and enjoy. As a member of a happy and strong church community, there are always lots of additional roles to volunteer for. Last year I helped with the advent service as a welcome return - not exactly an important job, but it means that I felt part of things, and that I got to know women other people a but better (even if only to develop a nodding acquaintance ) which is important to me as I've only been here a few years and all my other 'adult' (hahaha) socialising had revolved around drinking. This year I'm going to volunteer to help with the lunches on Christmas day that the Cathedral organises for people who would otherwise be alone at Christmas - mainly elderly and homeless folk I believe. A few others from my AA home group did that last year and say that it was an amazing experience for them. No doubt my OH will go out drinking on Christmas day, and he can sleep some of it off and I'll give him some dinner when I return.
Re the codependency stuff. I am also codependent. It doesn't only affect our relationships with partners. It can affect all areas of our lives. Thing is, a bit like the AA stuff, a little acceptance and awareness goes a long way. Now I've done some work on it I can recognise why I feel certain ways and pause just long enough to think through my reactions so that I don't compound things. If you investigate the issue of codependency and do see that you have some codependent traits, in a way that can be a good thing, as there is so much support and information about this out there for people to draw on. This page has a good list of the patterns and characteristics of codependent people, and might be intresting to you (I look at it and could have fallen off my chair - I'm not quite a poster girl for it, but pretty close) Patterns and Characteristics 2011 - CoDA.org
PS one lady I know who now has some great recovery told me that she only came to AA because she was court ordered at first. While she had to go she hated it. She hated the people there. And then she relapsed and continued to drink for another few years. But then when she decided for herself that she WANT ED sobriety she had no hesitation in returning to AA, and said she knew that it was the place she knew that she could learn to get sober. I don't know if this gives you some hope or not really, as although it is positive NOW, it was hardly instant success. Although instantaneous success eludes most people in recovery. Recovery is more of a journey and often the journey is along a pretty bumpy old road.
Anyway. I wish you well.
Glad it helped you as well. The Internet is a wonderful resource isn't it. I think I would have just suffered my whole life (from my alcoholic thinking and codependency) if I hadn't at least been able to read about it first. So much shame attached to all this stuff, but mostly due to lack of understanding. On everyone's part.
I hope you're feeling less raw today ☺
I hope you're feeling less raw today ☺
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Thanks so much for this. Resonates with me in terms of my husband sort of when we first met. He was much like your ex. But it also reminded me that when we met he was in therapy working on his coping skills and he was doing it because he recognized the problem and wanted to improve himself. Those poor coping skills left him vulnerable to using substances. And it Also reminded me of how much progress he has made over the years. And he has put in a.lot f work to learn and grow. I now you were speaking of your ex. But I do hope he has had some point of reflection and found some way to learn better how to manage life and its challenges. I'm sure it wasnt easy for you to make the break when you did but hope your doing ok now. All this reminds me too that life is a journey and we.learn as we go. Sometimes we can float through but at other times we have to work at it. Peaks and valleys.
I just wanted to comment on your wish that your AH suffer some of the powerlessness you feel now that he's been forced into meetings. My ex and I spilt a long time ago but I still remember that feeling of wanting him to feel unsure, to doubt himself as much I doubted myself when I was with him.
What I realized years later was that he was never really ok and that it was my lack of self-assurance that made him seem strong. My ex was smart, handsome and a trust-fund kid: he came across as bullet-proof and that was incredibly attractive to me given where I came from.
But after a few years together, it was clear his coping skills were limited. Life, even a relatively good one, isn't easy and my ex had a very hard time with ordinary disappointments. I made lots of excuses for why it was ok for him to be upset about things I’d make myself get over: bottom line I didn’t want to believe he wasn’t the amazing guy I’d married and he needed me to believe he still was. Truth though, he was a troubled, needy, immature guy with more problems than me and there was no place in our relationship for him to admit that. If you see a significant disconnect between who you thought you married and who you’re with now, chances are the man you see today is the guy he was all along. Figuring this all out is a long journey, my best to you.
What I realized years later was that he was never really ok and that it was my lack of self-assurance that made him seem strong. My ex was smart, handsome and a trust-fund kid: he came across as bullet-proof and that was incredibly attractive to me given where I came from.
But after a few years together, it was clear his coping skills were limited. Life, even a relatively good one, isn't easy and my ex had a very hard time with ordinary disappointments. I made lots of excuses for why it was ok for him to be upset about things I’d make myself get over: bottom line I didn’t want to believe he wasn’t the amazing guy I’d married and he needed me to believe he still was. Truth though, he was a troubled, needy, immature guy with more problems than me and there was no place in our relationship for him to admit that. If you see a significant disconnect between who you thought you married and who you’re with now, chances are the man you see today is the guy he was all along. Figuring this all out is a long journey, my best to you.
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Glad it helped you as well. The Internet is a wonderful resource isn't it. I think I would have just suffered my whole life (from my alcoholic thinking and codependency) if I hadn't at least been able to read about it first. So much shame attached to all this stuff, but mostly due to lack of understanding. On everyone's part.
I hope you're feeling less raw today ☺
I hope you're feeling less raw today ☺
Alicia - I like the post you wrote about yourself, I too love the holidays!
Maybe take some time and do those things you spoke about. take a walk and explore, hang your pictures. One thing I found myself doing when Rah relapsed and in his subsequent recovery for a while - I stopped doing those things. Especially when he was drinking. I was too nervous often to leave the house for what I might come back to.
In recovery, I found myself initially so "into" it that I also stopped doing things I loved. I think life was so serious then. I was certainly keen at watching my RAH and being sure he wasn't drinking. Lot of fear - that it wouldn't last - though in hindsight he embraced it (he had been sober many years) and I did not see anything indicative of not.
Its important to "get breaks" from it. The worry, and I know you do, you wouldn't be human if you did not.
I agree with the lack of coping skills as being a big part of addiction. Certainly was an issue with my RAH. Funny thing was he was quite capable of handling BIG issues. The daily irritations of life not so much, which occur more often than the BIG things. He has learned to handle them better. Much better.
I tell you though, If I called him today and said I had two tire blow out and my car sitting on the side of the highway he would have it handled in 5 mins. If I come home and say "What's for dinner"? There would be a 30 second delay staring in space then "WHAT? Dinner? Me plan dinner? What? Um....I don't know. Hmmm. Well, what do you think?" LOL.
Maybe take some time and do those things you spoke about. take a walk and explore, hang your pictures. One thing I found myself doing when Rah relapsed and in his subsequent recovery for a while - I stopped doing those things. Especially when he was drinking. I was too nervous often to leave the house for what I might come back to.
In recovery, I found myself initially so "into" it that I also stopped doing things I loved. I think life was so serious then. I was certainly keen at watching my RAH and being sure he wasn't drinking. Lot of fear - that it wouldn't last - though in hindsight he embraced it (he had been sober many years) and I did not see anything indicative of not.
Its important to "get breaks" from it. The worry, and I know you do, you wouldn't be human if you did not.
I agree with the lack of coping skills as being a big part of addiction. Certainly was an issue with my RAH. Funny thing was he was quite capable of handling BIG issues. The daily irritations of life not so much, which occur more often than the BIG things. He has learned to handle them better. Much better.
I tell you though, If I called him today and said I had two tire blow out and my car sitting on the side of the highway he would have it handled in 5 mins. If I come home and say "What's for dinner"? There would be a 30 second delay staring in space then "WHAT? Dinner? Me plan dinner? What? Um....I don't know. Hmmm. Well, what do you think?" LOL.
Every anniversary (AA, 24 years) I call an ex boyfriend who walked me to the door of my first meeting and said "you have to go in there alone" to thank him. If he hadn't I wouldn't have learned to put the focus entirely on my recovery.
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Sounds like me encouraging therapy and giving my husband the references supplied by my Dr. I dont plan on going with him to his sessions either. Hope he has as much success as you have had.
How did your ex get in the position of taking you to ÀA and dropping you at the door?
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Sorry, you dont have to explain the details. I was just curious. It would probably be hard for someone who was 2 years in recovery to date someone still drinking and maybe also going through early recovery not knowing how it would turn out for you, risky for his sobriety I would think.
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Yesterday my therapist gave me kinda questionable thoughts on continuing alanon meetings. I had got some very particular advice and opinions from him the lady that chairs the one meeting that is close to where I live. The Dr said she would see if there were any clinician led family support groups locally that I could try.
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