5 Years of Codependent Recovery for Me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
5 Years of Codependent Recovery for Me
I can't believe it's been 5 years for me already. I can't believe the difference in my life from then until now, it's like being 2 completely different people. I've gone through changes & growth as a person in the past, pre-recovery, but this is the most dramatic, visible, whole-life change I've ever experienced.
You all know I've been on a personal mission over the last year & a half-ish - a point at which the focal point of my recovery changed. I've shared about that here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...uper-long.html
Things continue to go well for me in all areas. My workouts continue to be an integral part of my life, 4-5 times on average weekly. I went in for my annual checkups & it was all good-good-good. Normal, normal, normal - woohoo! I need to tackle dental next & that it always a known challenge.
DD is thriving - at 12 she's battling puberty pretty hard but otherwise she's excelling at just about everything. I can definitely see a reduction in her codie-like behaviors as time goes on – less looking to me for my reaction to a situation, more independent problem-solving & self-trust. She continues to thrive in children’s meditation & spiritual development classes.
RAH continues to do well! Still sober 5 yrs in & almost 3 since his relapse event. (IDK which he considers his actual sobriety date or that he cares about it in that way…. Like the # of days doesn’t matter so much as the just not relapsing at all part?) He’s still working a much more dedicated program than he did in those early days, settled into a weekly meeting that he loves & only ever misses it when he has a work conflict. I honestly can't remember him missing his meeting in at least a year or so....probably longer. He still struggles at times of high stress, but has put a lot more effort into managing that better over the last 6 months or so. We are both ever-aware of how his ADHD intersects with his alcoholism & also requires separate, active management. He is getting way more skilled & educated about managing our finances now that he's been actively involved for over a year. (I posted about that change here: )
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-not-long.html
Our communication gets better & better so long as we each stay accountable to our words & reactions. Neither of us is perfect, we have difficult days. We've both become professionals at recognizing HALT symptoms, not only in ourselves but in each other - which is like seeing a flashing neon sign that says, "Drop the Rope!! Now - do it!!"
We still struggle at having sober activities to do together, it's probably the one area that I'd like to see the most improvement in.... but at the same time it's often due to him working 2 jobs. We make sure that DD gets family time and dad-specific time, so that cuts into it too…. he’s come a LONG way this last year or so in rebuilding her trust & respect. He finally “got it” – it really is as simple as showing up every time, keeping promises you make, prioritizing things in her world – not once, not once per week, not when you get around to it. Trust is EARNED & children who have been hurt build walls around their hearts that take a long, long time to fully break through.
He has chronic back pain which he's not managing as well - but my recovery comes in useful here too & I often mentally add another H to HHALT for "hurting" & have learned to back off on trying to control that recovery as well, lol. Basically he’s happy enough to slow down & take it easy when he has time off & I’m ready to go-go-go. We are at completely different points health & energy-wise. He is REALLY missing out.
I’m still working our ACoA issues & probably will for a long time to come. It’s incredible how much I’ve just completely buried. Weird to think of all those memories I’ve suppressed. Setting long-term goals & cultivating my creativity are areas that I am working on, among other things.
Humbling myself into recovery is the greatest thing I have ever done for myself, no matter how many complicated parts of the path have been. I know enough now to recognize that I’m not especially broken, just one of many broken people walking this earth. I have experienced that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. When I focus on cultivating positivity in my life, it becomes abundant.
I’ve learned that setting boundaries not only teaches other how to treat me, but are also the beginning steps to self-respect. Maintaining them again & again converts that self-respect into self-trust & self-love…. like coal into diamonds, lol. When I honor myself, I trust myself. It’s no different than building a relationship with another person, really.
I’ve learned that very few of us get the gift of perfect circumstances to recover under – there IS no perfect time, date, place, support or program. The only common denominator is the Self – only *I* can stand up & decide to make changes. Only *I* can dedicate myself to working those changes every day of my life. Only *I* am responsible for my actions, reactions & behaviors.
It is impossible not to change as a person in recovery. It’s also impossible to avoid the ripples those changes create throughout the other areas of your life. Work, friendships, parenting, etc – every part of my life has been impacted.
Over this last year especially, I’ve learned that a person CAN live selfishly in a healthy way. Over the entire 5 years, I have never regretted a single moment or dollar spent on self-care or self-growth. Not one. I’ve never regretted creating time for fun & joy, even when I had to force myself to participate in the early days of recovery. Every bit of everything I've ever invested in myself during this process has paid me back tenfold+.
Just sharing my ever-long & rambling thoughts as I reflect over the last 5 years!
You all know I've been on a personal mission over the last year & a half-ish - a point at which the focal point of my recovery changed. I've shared about that here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...uper-long.html
Things continue to go well for me in all areas. My workouts continue to be an integral part of my life, 4-5 times on average weekly. I went in for my annual checkups & it was all good-good-good. Normal, normal, normal - woohoo! I need to tackle dental next & that it always a known challenge.
DD is thriving - at 12 she's battling puberty pretty hard but otherwise she's excelling at just about everything. I can definitely see a reduction in her codie-like behaviors as time goes on – less looking to me for my reaction to a situation, more independent problem-solving & self-trust. She continues to thrive in children’s meditation & spiritual development classes.
RAH continues to do well! Still sober 5 yrs in & almost 3 since his relapse event. (IDK which he considers his actual sobriety date or that he cares about it in that way…. Like the # of days doesn’t matter so much as the just not relapsing at all part?) He’s still working a much more dedicated program than he did in those early days, settled into a weekly meeting that he loves & only ever misses it when he has a work conflict. I honestly can't remember him missing his meeting in at least a year or so....probably longer. He still struggles at times of high stress, but has put a lot more effort into managing that better over the last 6 months or so. We are both ever-aware of how his ADHD intersects with his alcoholism & also requires separate, active management. He is getting way more skilled & educated about managing our finances now that he's been actively involved for over a year. (I posted about that change here: )
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-not-long.html
Our communication gets better & better so long as we each stay accountable to our words & reactions. Neither of us is perfect, we have difficult days. We've both become professionals at recognizing HALT symptoms, not only in ourselves but in each other - which is like seeing a flashing neon sign that says, "Drop the Rope!! Now - do it!!"
We still struggle at having sober activities to do together, it's probably the one area that I'd like to see the most improvement in.... but at the same time it's often due to him working 2 jobs. We make sure that DD gets family time and dad-specific time, so that cuts into it too…. he’s come a LONG way this last year or so in rebuilding her trust & respect. He finally “got it” – it really is as simple as showing up every time, keeping promises you make, prioritizing things in her world – not once, not once per week, not when you get around to it. Trust is EARNED & children who have been hurt build walls around their hearts that take a long, long time to fully break through.
He has chronic back pain which he's not managing as well - but my recovery comes in useful here too & I often mentally add another H to HHALT for "hurting" & have learned to back off on trying to control that recovery as well, lol. Basically he’s happy enough to slow down & take it easy when he has time off & I’m ready to go-go-go. We are at completely different points health & energy-wise. He is REALLY missing out.
I’m still working our ACoA issues & probably will for a long time to come. It’s incredible how much I’ve just completely buried. Weird to think of all those memories I’ve suppressed. Setting long-term goals & cultivating my creativity are areas that I am working on, among other things.
Humbling myself into recovery is the greatest thing I have ever done for myself, no matter how many complicated parts of the path have been. I know enough now to recognize that I’m not especially broken, just one of many broken people walking this earth. I have experienced that when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. When I focus on cultivating positivity in my life, it becomes abundant.
I’ve learned that setting boundaries not only teaches other how to treat me, but are also the beginning steps to self-respect. Maintaining them again & again converts that self-respect into self-trust & self-love…. like coal into diamonds, lol. When I honor myself, I trust myself. It’s no different than building a relationship with another person, really.
I’ve learned that very few of us get the gift of perfect circumstances to recover under – there IS no perfect time, date, place, support or program. The only common denominator is the Self – only *I* can stand up & decide to make changes. Only *I* can dedicate myself to working those changes every day of my life. Only *I* am responsible for my actions, reactions & behaviors.
It is impossible not to change as a person in recovery. It’s also impossible to avoid the ripples those changes create throughout the other areas of your life. Work, friendships, parenting, etc – every part of my life has been impacted.
Over this last year especially, I’ve learned that a person CAN live selfishly in a healthy way. Over the entire 5 years, I have never regretted a single moment or dollar spent on self-care or self-growth. Not one. I’ve never regretted creating time for fun & joy, even when I had to force myself to participate in the early days of recovery. Every bit of everything I've ever invested in myself during this process has paid me back tenfold+.
Just sharing my ever-long & rambling thoughts as I reflect over the last 5 years!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow, I cannot believe it's been five years FS! Thank you for sharing your journey. I always try to think of you when I am trying to figure out kind things to do to help me along in my own recovery. I really respect all the work and healing you have went through. What a wonderful success story!
I think it's quite common for couples to struggle to find that alone time, and not feel it's forced or odd b/c it had to be "created," if that even makes any sense. It's really easy to get caught up in the busy of life! I am so glad that you and your DD have created the time to recover from all you have went through.
You are right, there is no other way to obtain trust than earn it. It's something I have explained to my XAH many times.
Thank you for this post, and for all the motivation you create for so many members here at SR!
I think it's quite common for couples to struggle to find that alone time, and not feel it's forced or odd b/c it had to be "created," if that even makes any sense. It's really easy to get caught up in the busy of life! I am so glad that you and your DD have created the time to recover from all you have went through.
You are right, there is no other way to obtain trust than earn it. It's something I have explained to my XAH many times.
Thank you for this post, and for all the motivation you create for so many members here at SR!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
What an awesome update, FireSprite!
My RAH and I have made so many friends and even couples in our home group. It is so different than the drinking days where you find yourself alone and afraid to make plans because you never know when alcohol will rear its ugly head! It is truly a blessing. People who are not in recovery look at you strangely when you say how much you love AA.
I used to read here that recovery looks like recovery and you will know it when you see it. That's so true! It is truly a spiritual change.
Jaeger
My RAH and I have made so many friends and even couples in our home group. It is so different than the drinking days where you find yourself alone and afraid to make plans because you never know when alcohol will rear its ugly head! It is truly a blessing. People who are not in recovery look at you strangely when you say how much you love AA.
I used to read here that recovery looks like recovery and you will know it when you see it. That's so true! It is truly a spiritual change.
Jaeger
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Originally Posted by Jaeger 
My RAH and I have made so many friends and even couples in our home group.
Originally Posted by Jaeger
I used to read here that recovery looks like recovery and you will know it when you see it. That's so true! It is truly a spiritual change.
Thank you ALL for the support.
I could never be where I am without the chorus of voices here at SR & all of you who have taken the time to share experience & education. I feel genuinely blessed for having accidentally landed on this page all those years ago & for being able to lurk for months while I gained the confidence to step fully into my recovery & start actively posting. You have all helped me on this journey in so many ways!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Congrats, FireSprite! I have learned so much and been so heartened by your posts since I've been at SR. Words really can't express my gratitude for your kindness and for all the help you've given me, not to mention that you are the one who got me started with Brene Brown.
I feel sure the future will hold even better things for you and your family.
I feel sure the future will hold even better things for you and your family.
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